You slowly stirred as you regained consciousness, bringing an unfortunate end to the awesome dream you were having about you and George Washington fighting off an alien invasion, all while riding on a robotic t-rex and banging blue alien hotties together.

Life is suffering.

You attempted to sit up, only to find yourself unable to move. Hands, head, legs, dick, you couldn't move anything. You couldn't see a thing either, nor could you feel anything, save for a pounding headache. Your memory was pretty hazy as well, and you couldn't seem to recollect much of anything, let alone how you got in your current situation.

You struggled to recall something about yourself, or at least figure out how you wound up in this dark abyss, but no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't remember a single thing. Well, there was one exception; Your unwavering love and admiration for the booty.

Finally, something came to you. A name.

Your name was Anonymous, or Anon for short. Across the galaxy, you were known and feared by the title Anonymous, Destroyer of Cunts. Women wanted to be with you, and men wanted to be you.

Well, you liked to pretend that was the case.

As you remembered your name, more details about yourself began to come back to you. You lived in Ponyville, in a cheap one bedroom apartment. You were one of the few humans in town (the other two being a volunteer janitor named Scruffy and a Cuban midget named Paco who was always getting into trouble) and worked at Sweet Apple Acres as an 'Apple Picker/Sorter Specialist'.

You also, on occasion, worked the streets when you needed to make some extra change. Mares love that hot monkey dick.

Everything started to come back to you, but you couldn't seem to recall exactly what you were doing in this seemingly endless void of darkness.

Were you dead or something?

Did you divide by zero?

Did it finally happen?

Oh wait, your eyes were closed.

Your eyes shot open as soon as this realization hit you, only to be met with blinding, flourescent white, that ache at the back of your head intensifying from the intense light. You reflexively attempted to shield your eyes, but found that you were restrained. You glanced down to see what was immobilizing you, and saw that you were bound to a chair.

You grimaced and tried to fight through the headache. You struggled to recall exactly how you managed to get in this situation, but everything was a blur. The only detail you could remember was everything suddenly going black as you were making your way home with this one mare and Big Mac-

!

SHIT.

You shot your head about frantically as you searched for your bro, your eyes having adjusted to the light and allowing you to examine your surroundings. You appeared to be in a grimey, run down bathroom, surrounded by sinks, urinals, and bathroom stalls, with a single television in the middle of the room. You briefly speculated how ponies could actually use a urinal, but you quickly banished those thoughts. There are more pressing matters at hand. Your bro was no where to be seen.

Once you got free, it'd be your duty to find-

Oh no, wait, he was actually right next to you.

You glanced over to your right and spotted Big Macintosh, bound in a chair just like you. He's awake, calmly staring at the wall in front of him, appearing only slightly annoyed.

“Yo bro, you all right?”

He glanced your way and nodded. “Eeyup.”

“Know how we got in here?”

“Eenope.”

“Fuck.” You leaned back in your chair and heaved out an exasperated sigh. To think, you could be at home getting drunk off your ass and watching hardcore Germane dungeon porn right now.

!

The television suddenly flickered to life. Through the heavy static, you spotted the silhouette of a pony leering at the two of you.

“Would you like to play a game?” They asked with a raspy voice. Their voice reminded you of a stereotypical villain from an overrated movie series.

Your sleep was violently stolen from you by a rythmic knocking emenating from your apartment's front door. You groaned lowly as you sat up, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes as you glanced over to the clock that hung from the nearby wall.

It was half past noon.

"God dammit. It's too early for this shit."

You hopped up from your living room floor, where your ass had drunkenly passed out the previous night after a long night of partying hard and booty hunting. You glared over at the front door, like it had just insulted your bro and knocked your beer out of your hand, before you waded your way through your collection of empty beer bottles covering the floor and flung the door open.

"Hi Anon!" Three voices sang in unison, the loudness of their shrill cry almost making you cover your ears.

You glanced down at the three fillies that stood at the door, who looked up at you with expectant smiles. "I don't want to buy anything," you muttered, before leaning in and whispering, "Well... if you have the Krabby Patty secret formula, I'd be more than willing to take it off your hands..."

"You're so silly, Anon. We don't want to sell you anything," the white filly of the three - Sweaty Belt, if you recalled correctly - said, which completely shot down your hopes and dreams.

How you gonna put a nigga down like that?

"Yeah dude," the crippled pony, Scottaloo, spoke up, "we were wondering if you could help us find our cutie marks."

You stood back up and looked over the fillies - who were now giving you the saddest puppy eyes you have ever seen - with a raised brow.

"Nope."

You slammed the door on them and made your way to the bathroom.

After having pissed up a storm, you exited the bathroom, only to hear more pounding at your front door.

You walked up to the door. "Who's that knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door?"

You opened the door, expecting more kids trying to sell your secret formulas.

Or Mormons.

Or, even worse, Jehovah's Witnesses.

Those fuckers were persistant.

Wait, nope. It was just your bro's hot sister, Applejack.

"Howdy, A-" She s stopped her greeting mid-sentence, her eyes widened as she took in the sight before her. "Uh, Anon, you got wood."

?

You glanced down, and sure enough, you were at full mast. It would appear you forgot to put clothes on, once again. I mean, who could blame you? Everyone loves to feel the breeze between their knees.

"Huh... so I do..." you responded, before you gave the mare your attention once more, "So, what's up?"

"Well... uh..." the stetson sporting mare attempted to avoid your morning wood, but it seemed to follow her everywhere she looked, "Big Mac sent me to come-"

"HAH!"

She raised a brow at your behavior, but continued. "He sent me to come tell you to meet up with him at the farm. He's a bit busy with work at the moment... though, I don't see how invitin' you over is gonna help him any..."

"Aight, I'll be right over." You moved to head back inside, but noticed Applejack stayed in place, completely incapable of taking her eyes off your wood.

"You wanna come inside or something...? I swear it doesn't bite." You wiggled your eyebrows at the mare as you shot her a toothy smirk.

Somehow, the mare's eyes widened even more, her mouth agape as she took in your offer.

"SeeyalaterAnon," the flustered mare said in one breath, before she quickly made her exit.

You watched her flee, your soldier refusing to stand down as you took in her majestic booty as disappeared off in the distance.

You hated to watch her leave, but you just loved to see her-

"NICE COCK YOU GOT THERE, BRAH!" Lyra, one of your homies, called out as she was passing by, interrupting your internal ramblings about the booty.

"THANKS BRO!" You returned the call.

"WE STILL ON FOR TONIGHT, BROSEPH STALIN!?" She inquired, making her way over to you.

"HELL YEAH, BROSEIDON! I'D NEVER LEAVE A BRO BEHIND!"

"NO BROS LEFT BEHIND, BRAH!"

"FUCK YEAH!"

The two of you gave each other a chest bump; the only way true bros should greet each other. It got a little weird when your tip hit her in the stomach, but you were bros, so the two of you couldn't give less of a fuck.

"Catch you at the Salty Sailor tonight, brah. I'm gonna drink you under a fucking table," she asserted with a smirk.

"Bitch please, you can never keep up with me. I am the champion of alcoholism, my friend."

"Whatever you say, brah. Catch you on the flip."

The two of you waved good bye to each other before she continued on her way.

Damn, today felt like it was gonna be a good day. Hell, you doubted you'd even have to use your AK.

After you threw on some Apple Spice and pounded down a cold one, you exited your shitty apartment and began to whistle dixie as you casually walked away.

"NICE COCK, ANON!" Your landlord called out to you as you walked out your front door.

!

You looked down, and realized you forgot to throw some clothes on.

"Shit."

You made your way back inside to fix your mistake and throw on some stylish duds, before you left your apartment behind once more.

As you strutted your stuff through Ponyville, you earned the attention of one of the fillies from earlier. She quickly galloped over to you, probably about do or say something that was really gonna fuck with your feng shui.

"Howdy Anon!" she greeted as she trotted up alongside you. You recognized her as Big Mac's youngest sister. You couldn't quite remember her name, though you figured it probably started with Apple.

You pondered this for a few moments, before you remembered her name.

"APPLEBUMM!" you exclaimed as the answer finally came to you.

She looked at you, confused. "Uh... I'm sorry? My name's Apple Bloom, Anon."

"Fuck," you grumbled under your breath, "What's up little homie?"

"What's up? The struggle is what's up."

You regarded the little earth pony with a raised brow. "The struggle?"

"Yeah! The girls and I need to discover our special talents so we can get our cutie marks. Only... it's not going so well."

You stopped and took a knee so you can be at eye level with the small filly. "You're going about this all wrong, young one."

"I am?"

"Yup." You nodded sagely. "Taking a shot in the dark with every little thing you can think of isn't gonna get you anywhere."

Apple Bloom raised a brow in confusion. "Then how will we get our cutie marks?"

You smirked. "You don't gotta wait, just go get a couple tats on your ass so everyone will think you’ve got your cutie mark. Hard work won't get you anywhere, lil' dude. Only shortcuts and being lazy." You tapped your noggin with a wink as you stood back up. "I mean, that's how I took on life, and look at me now." You took a step back and held your arms open wide, so that the little filly could bask in your glorious perfection.

She merely smirked, though. "But Anon, you live in a bad apartment and always smell like booze. I don't think I've ever seen you sober."

"And I couldn't be happier," you declared with a big ass smile as you messed with the filly's mane. "Listen to my advice, kid. You'll go places."

"I'll consider it. Thanks Anon, see ya round!"

You smiled to yourself as you watched her wander off. You're such a great role model.

Not really. Quite frankly you shouldn't even be allowed near kids. Your advice will probably get somebody killed. That is, if it hasn’t already.

You kept on truckin’, greeting anybody you came across like the Fonz. Most ponies looked at you strangely, but a few, likely other followers of the Fonz, responded in kind. That one clusterfuck of animal parts guy even magicked up a leather jacket, a pair of sunglasses, and some greasy hair, before he trailed off into a long "ayy" as you passed each other by.

He was a pretty cool guy.

"ANONYMOUS!"

!

There was no mistaking that voice.

You spun around towards the source of the shrill cry and pointed a finger towards the creature who dared try to put a stop to your dicking around. "I KNEW YOU'D FOLLOW ME HERE, JANITOR! I HAVE SOME NEWS FOR YOU FATTY, THERE AIN'T NO HOT POCKETS IN EQUESTRIA!"

"W-what?" The purple alicorn you pointed at stuttered out, "It's me, Twilight!"

You soon calmed down and let out a sigh of relief, before shooting the mare a toothy grin. "Well, that's a relief. You're a buzzkill, Sparklebutt, but at least you're not a janitor on the internet."

"I'm not a buzzkill!" She protested, as she crossed her hooves and pouted, doing her best to avoid eye contact with you.

"Bitch please, the last time I invited you to a party, you ended up ticketing everybody ‘cause the party went on past curfew."

"There's something called noise ordinances, Anonymous!" Twilight responded as she leered at you. "You should be mindful of others."

"Everybody within a block’s radius was there, Sparklebutt." You pointed out with a smirk.

"The law's the law, and as a princess, it's my job to enforce it. And stop calling me Sparklebutt!" She cried as she grew more and more flustered every second she was around you.

"But the way you react is soooo cute!" You retorted in a baby voice as you pinched the princess's fuzzy cheeks. "How could I resist?"

She pushed you off of her and cleared her throat. "We're way off topic, Anonymous. You haven't been in for your weekly friendship sessions for almost a month now."

You groaned and rolled your eyes. Sparklebutt and her fucking friendship sessions... they are so fucking boring, just you and her spending hours studying and talking about feelings. She doesn't even let you drink to spice things up.

"Shit's just not for me," you said flatly with a shrug.

"But Anon, you promised you'd do it! It was something we agreed to do when you first showed up in Equestria."

"Yeah, well, they're boring as hell. Unless you wanna ditch the talking and reading for partying and bar fights, I'm not going."

Twilight went quiet as she scratched her chin in thought.

Moments later, she lightened up, apparently coming to a decision. "Alright Anonymous, clearly my ways aren't for you. So I'll be willing to give your ways a chance, so long as you learn something about the magic of friendship."

"FUCK YEAH, BRO! LET'S GO GET TURNT-" You halted your cheer as you remembered the reason why you weren't already at home, sitting around in the nude, drinking beer, and shitposting on Ponychan. Your compadre was still awaiting your arrival. "Gotta take a rain check on that friendship session, Sparklebutt. Next time, though!"

"B-but," she protested as her lips began to quiver.

Damn, you actually kinda felt bad...

BUT NO MATTER, YOUR BRO AWAITS.

"Igottagothanksbye!" You exclaimed in one breath, before you skipped off in the general direction of Sweet Apple Acres.

You made your way up the familiar path that led up to Sweet Apple Acres with a skip in your step. Besides your shitty apartment and the Salty Sailor, this was one of your favorite places to come to. Well, unless you were on the clock. Work fucking sucks.

Gotta get that change though.

You looked about as you got closer and closer to the distant farmhouse. This was actually where you first showed up in Equestria, where you somehow awoke in the middle of the orchard after a long night of partying back on Earth. You then met the stallion who would end up being your best bro, who originally mistook you for a thief and knocked you the fuck the out before you even knew what was happening.

Good times.

As you approached the farmhouse, you spotted the Apple family's matriarch in her rocking chair on the front porch. "Yo Granny!" You greeted her as you walked up to the porch.

"Yer late!" She hollered.

You regarded her with a raised brow. "Dude, it's my day off."

"DAY OFF?! Boy, back in my day..."

As she trailed off, you took this opportunity to move on and made your way towards the barn. She typically forgot that she was even talking to anybody, anyways.

You searched about the barn, but despite your efforts, you found no sign of your bro anywhere.

"About time you showed up—" you heard Applejack comment from behind you— "and with pants no less! I'm impressed."

You turned around to face the mare. "You don't even wear clothes. Why do you care?"

A small giggle escaped the mare's lips. "Cuz' your dangly bits don't retract like a stallions, sugarcube."

"Gross." You grimaced as she stuck a tongue out at you playfully. "Do you know where Big Mac is?"

"He's out working in the-"

"WHAT?!"

"I said, he's out working in the-"

"WHAT?!"

"COULD YA STOP DOING THAT?!" Applejack demanded, growing tired of your Lil’ Jon impression.

"YEEEEEAH!"

She released a frustrated sigh. "Big Mac's workin' in the western orchard."

"OKAY!"

"You're a strange one, Anon."

"WHAT?!"

"I said you're a- forget it. See ya round, Anon."

"BYE NIGGA!"

You waved good bye to the orange pony, then began to moonwalk in the general direction of the western orchard. It's difficult to pull off on the uneven dirt path, but you’ve already started, and don't want to disappoint the spirit of Michael Jackson.

Besides, you got skills. Bitches love skills.

About ten minutes into your journey, your ears picked up the sound of hooves bucking against bark, soon followed by the sound of apples clattering against the wooden collection containers. You looked all around you, but you were unable to catch sight of the large red stallion that you called your bro.

!

You moonwalked straight into said stallion, causing you to topple over and bring the stallion down with you. You begged the good lord Jackson for his forgiveness as you tumbled to the earth, your ever stylish moonwalk being brought to a premature end.

"Anon! What in Sam Hill are you doing?!" He demanded as he shoved you off of him.

You briefly wondered how a pony would know that phrase, but you chalked it up to the writers being too lazy to make up a ponified version.

"What am I doing?! Nigga, I'm stylin’ on you! That's what I'm doing—" you answered, before you sat up— "Check this out." You leapt up from the ground and began to moonwalk away from your compadre. "WOAH! SHAMONA!" You did a spin and grabbed your nuts, then thrust your hips forward. "HEEEEEHEEEE!"

You pause, looking to Big Mac for approval. He gave you a deadpan look, before he placed a single straw of hay in between his teeth.

"Weirdo."

"Yeah, but I'm your weirdo, buddy."

"Whatever ya say, Anon," he responded, likely as he asked himself why even bothered to hang out with you. His features softened as a small grin crossed his muzzle. "Ya pumped for tonight?"

"Of coursh!" You proclaimed with a slight lisp, like a certain mask wearing big guy would.

His smile widened slightly. "Would ya mind helpin' me with these apples?" He patted the bushell of apples nearest to him. "Ya know, so we can get out of here quicker?"

"Sure bro, I lift." You grabbed a couple bins and left the rest to your compadre, before you made your way back to the barn with your homie right behind you.

As the two of you ditched your load in the barn for you to sort when you eventually got back to working, Big Mac's big-booty-toting sister trotted in.

"Howdy Big Mac! You finished for the day?"

"Eeyup," he responded as the two of you turned towards her.

"Good to hear. You and Anon gonna go do something?"

"Eeyup."

"So what are you guys gonna do?"

"Oh, you know—" you spoke up, helping out your reserved friend— "go to the Salty Sailor with Lyra, get wasted, cause some bar fights, and engage in debauchery with some young, promiscuous mares. Typical Saturday night."

"Sounds like you guys have a pretty decent evening ahead of you," Applejack commented with a grin. "Mind if I tag along? I’ve been feelin’ a bit cooped up, ya know?"

"I don't know AJ, trouble just loves to find us..." Big Mac warned.

The mare pouted. "I'm a grown mare, I don't need you babyin' me none. I can handle myself."

"She'll be fine, homie," you assured your bro. "Until I drink her under a table, that is."

The mare regarded you with a smirk. "Is that a challenge?"

You returned the smirk. "Maybe."

"You don't know what your gettin' yourself into, Anon." She winked at you, causing your pants to abruptly tighten. "I'll catch you two there."

With that, she made her exit.

You bit into your bottom lip as your watched her go. God damn! That booty was something that deserved to be worshipped. It was basically perfect in every way, after years of toning from her work on the farm.

One day, you would conquer that booty. You promised yourself this. You've seen, felt, and fucked many booties, but that's the booty you'd gladly spend the rest of your life with.

"Uh... Anon," Big Mac spoke up, interrupting your fantasies of growing old with Applejack's ass. "Are ya starin' at mah sister's flanks?"

You shot the stallion an incredulous look, like you were a certain balding, baseball bat wielding comedian. "Nigga, who doesn't stare at that ass?"

You and your bro hung around the farm while you waited for the evening to come around, drinking a shit ton of cider and putting your creative minds together to create an official 2014 Ponyville Booty Power Ranking list.

"Anon, why is my sister number one on this?"

"Shut up, we're in the middle of a time skip, bro."

"A what?"

As the two of you put the finishing touches on the official 2014 Ponyville Booty Power Ranking list, you glanced out the window and noticed that the sun had began to set.

!

"OH SHIT!"

You launched up from your seat like a crazy loonatic, which earned a confused look from your bro.

"What?"

"IT'S TIME!"

Big Mac shot his gaze to a nearby clock, before he turned his gaze back to you and calmly nodded.

"Eeyup."

You ran towards the door and did a front flip through it. You narrowly avoided crushing Applebloom as she wandered in... only to land face first like a dumbass.

“Hey AB,” you greeted the filly as you looked up to her from your position on the ground. "You decide take my advice?”

“Well, uh—” she began as she shuffled around awkwardly— “I tried to get a tattoo, but they told me I was too young to get one.”

“Bullshit!” You bellowed as you rose up from the dirt. “Go in there, lay your balls out on the table, and tell them to fucking do it.”

“But Anon, I don’t have any balls!”

“Not with that attitude you don’t.”

You patted the small filly on the head and walked past her.

...only to stop in your steps.

She failed you. This bitch needed to learn a lesson.

“HEY APPLEBUTT!”

She turned towards you, and you flipped her off. She grimaced and turned back away to leave.

“No, no, I’m just kidding, c’mere, AB.”

As the filly turned back around, you jumped back, grabbed your crotch, and thrusted your hips forward.

“HEEEEEEEEE!”

Apple Bloom’s eyes widened in shock as you span in place and began to bust a move, Micheal Jackson style. You danced like a skilled monkey for a good five minutes, as you dazzled the small filly with a flurry of moonwalking, pelvic thrusts, spins, and flips.

Damn you’re good.

You stopped and wiped the sweat from your brow, before you pointed to the filly. “You just got served!”

The filly’s smug expression turned to one of horror as she took in these words. As her lips quivered and her eyes began to water, you turned away from the crying filly and faced your bro.

“You ready to get out of here, bro?”

“Eeyup.”

“Let’s fucking roll.”

You jumped onto your bro’s back, pointing in the general direction of Ponyville. “Onwards, my steed!”

Big Mac looked back at you, his face displaying a mixture of anger, shock, and confusion. “...Anon, mind tellin' me why you’re on my back?”

You laughed at his reaction, much to his dismay. “Cuz I’m the one who’s always dragging your drunk ass home. Now… FORWARD!”

“Get off me, Anon.”

“Ugh... fine! God, you’re no fun.”

After much dicking around, you and your compadre finally made it to Lyra’s apartment.

There was much rejoicing.

As it so happened, her apartment happened to be right next to yours. For some reason, you always forget the two of you are neighbors. Probably because rampant drinking kills brain cells.

You knocked on the door and casually stood back as you waited for the mare to answer.

“Who's that knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door?” You heard Lyra call out from the other side of the door.

“I just said that this morning, you crazy bitch!”

The door unlocked, and the aquamarine unicorn mare exited her tiny apartment with a goofy grin on her face.

“WAAAAAAAZZUUUUUUUUUUP?!” She exclaimed, extending her hooves out to you.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP?!” You responded in kind, before you gave your female bro a bro bump, followed quickly with a bro hug.

Satisfied with your greeting, she turned towards Big Mac. “Yo, how ya doing Mac?”

“Fine.”

“You pumped for tonight?”

“Eeyup.”

“You’re certainly very talkative tonight—” she commented as she slung a hoof around the stallion’s neck— “aren’t ya?”

Big Mac sent a glare the mare’s way. “Ever get tired of bustin' my balls, Lyra?”

“Nah,” she responded as she shook her head. “Not really.”

The red stallion’s glare faded and morphed into a grin. “Ya done?”

“Yeah, just about. Let’s get the fuck outta here.”

The three of you left behind the apartment complex and began to make your way into town. As you and your comrades strutted your stuff through Ponyville, you found yourself engaged in an intellectual debate with the one mare in your party. A debate that would surely go down in history as the greatest debate of all time.

“I’m telling you, Twilight’s clearly the kinkiest princess. Those librarian’s are always into kinky shit because they’re so pent up.”

“Bullshit. Twilight might be a pent up virgin, but Cadance is the Princess of LOVE. I would think the Princess of Love would know how to please a stallion.”

“That may be true, but you can’t beat a mare who spends a decent portion of her time reading erotic novels and watching porn for ‘studying purposes’.”

“LOVE DUDE, LOVE!”

You rolled your eyes and glanced over to Big Mac. “You got anything to add to this?”

He looked at you with a raised brow, before he shook his head.

“Come on, bro, I know you have something you can throw in.”

“Well…” he began to say, “I have to say you're both wrong. Truly, the kinkiest princess title belongs to Princess Luna.”

“How do you figure that?” Lyra asked.

“Experience.”

Oh yeah, Big Mac gets around. It’s like he swam around in some toxic waste that gave him ultra pimpin’ powers. There wasn’t a single mare out there that wouldn’t fall for him. Including princesses.

“Alright man, I’ll bite,” you spoke up. "How was it?”

“She’s a fan of tentacles,” he answered, with a shudder.

“Dude, is your ass okay?” The aquamarine unicorn inquired.

“Eeyup… it was just... really slimey.”

“Was the ass fat?” You asked.

“The ass was fat,” Big Mac confirmed with a nod. “Greatest flank I’ve had the pleasure of sharing a bed with.”

“...not as good as your sister’s ass, though.”

“Anon, I swear to-"

“Oh yeah, dude!” Lyra suddenly jumped in on the action. “Bro, Applejack’s ass is so fucking cash.”

“Fuck, I’ve seen some asses in my day, and her ass is like a piece of art. Great tone, great hips, and she’s got that hip sway that just makes you wanna sit back and watch that ass all day long. Unf.”

“It’s the perfect ass," the mare said with a sagely nod.

“I want to use Applejack’s ass as a pillow and take a nap." A perverted grin spread across your lips as you thought of the sensation of resting your head on Applejacks plush rear end.

“I want beat on her ass like a set of drums.”

“I want to cum inside-”

“Guys, could ya stop talkin' about my sister like that?”

The two of you fell silent due to Mr. No Fun Allowed.

For like two seconds.

"Applejack's ass though," you blurted out with a stupid grin.

"Unf!" Lyra replied.

"UNF!"

"UNF!"

"UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNF!"

"Dear Celestia... come on guys, how would ya'll feel if I talked about your sister's ass in front of ya?"

"Meh, I wouldn't care."

"I have a sister?"

"...just... please?"

“Fine… but only because we’re here,” you say as the three of you approach the Salty Sailor. “We can continue this based-tier conversation when we get some booze in our system.”

Big Mac rolled his eyes and decided to just drop it, having figured it wasn’t worth the effort. The three of you filed into the bar, ready for all of the heavy drinking, bar fights, and drunken sexual deviance that would soon follow.

It was just another Saturday night here in Ponyville.

You and your companions wasted no time making your way over to the bar. The three of you took your seats at a trio of unoccupied stools and flagged down the bartender.

“Ayyy!" Salty trotted up to the three of you with a friendly smile.

“Sup Salty? How’s business?” You asked.

“Same as always. Fucking greedy merchants are up my ass about some non-existent debts and trying to ruin everyone’s fun.”

“Those mother fuckers…” Lyra grumbled under her breath.

“Sucks bro,” you commented.

“It’s a good thing the mayor is a regular here,” he said with a conspiratorial wink as he pointed out a grey-maned mare that sat down the bar from you. She was piss drunk and passed out over the counter, an empty glass laying on its side beside her. “But enough about those big snouted greedy bastards, what are you guys going to be up to tonight?”

“The same thing we do every Saturday night, Salty. Trying to take over the world,” you answered with a mischievous grin.

“He means we’re gonna get wasted,” Big Mac spoke up.

“And fuck bitches,” Lyra added.

“Fuck yeah! We’re gonna get turnt the fuck up!” You declared, raising your glass towards the ceiling.

“FUCK YEAH!”

“Eeyup!”

Several fist and hoof bumps were shared between the three of you as Salty looked on with a mix of both amusement and disgust.

“So, what can I get you guys?” He asked.

“I dunno, whatever the readers imagine us drinking. As long as it isn’t weak shit.”

“I don’t know if the audience could think of something that’d be able to match your alcoholic desires, Anon,” Lyra pointed out.

“Fuck!”

Luckily, that wasn’t the case. With some effort, you and your two amigos had downed enough alcohol to get sufficiently shitfaced. This lead to some interesting conversation.

“Honestly dude…” you said, your hand waving absentmindedly in the air. “The most important thing in the universe - to any person who isn’t a complete scrublord that is - is…” You paused and glanced over to the red stallion beside youbro, who just stared at his glass of who knows what. “Hey, are you even listening to me, bro?”

He looked up from his glass and glanced over to you. “Huh?”

“I said, are you even listening to me?”

“Eeyup.”

“So, do you know what it is?”

“Um… is it the heart… or apples?”

“Geez,” you muttered as you massaged your temples. “You don’t understand a thing, you tree kicking fuck.” Before he could respond, you continued on. “It’s the behind, the flank, the ass, you dig? Guys don’t realize the charm of the behind are those who are at the kindergarten level.”

You leaned against the bar and slammed your fist against it. “It’s time the ass gets the respect it deserves.”
Big Mac gave you a look. “We don’t need to always talk about the booty, Anon.”

“Psssh… I can’t help that I’m a slave to the booty, bro. Your sister’s booty especially.”

“We could always talk about boobies,” he suggested.

“Dude, horse boobs are tiny as hell and boring. But horse ass… fuck dude, I honestly haven’t seen any poor quality ass since I got here.”

Your bro remained silent for a few moments, before looking at you with a raised brow. “So… ya haven’t heard of Milky Way?”

You blinked. “Milky Way?”

The stallion gave you a look. “You filthy casual. How have ya not heard of Milky Way? She’s all over the Ponynet.”

“Why do you guys name everything after ponies?”

“Don’tcha try to change the subject on me, bruh.”

“Dear Celestia, don’t you two talk about anything but ass?” Lyra hiccupped as she finished her fifth consecutive cider. She eyed the two boys with a harsh look. “There’s more to a mare than an ass or a set of tits. Consider other lovely things, like personality.” As she said this, she placed a hoof on her chest and raised her nose in the air.

You and Big Mac just glanced at each other, giving equal glances of what-the-fuckery. As soon as you had looked back at her, though, the mare began cracking up with a deep, snorting laugh.

“Hahaha, who the fuck am I kidding? You can’t fuck a personality! Am I right or am I right, boys? Let’s drink to it!”

With a chorus of “Ayy’s!”, you all tilted back and obliterated what remained in your glasses.

“Mm, speaking of asses,” Lyra spoke up as she wiped her muzzle clean. “Who the hell wants to go to Canterlot tonight?”

“Canterlot? Pssh…” Big Mac rolled his eyes.

“You trying to say something, big guy?” Lyra demanded with a glare.

“I know a much better place than Canterlot. Something underground, exclusive, loads of fun. All the booze and loose ponies ya could ever want.”

You shot the stallion a questioning glance. “Why haven’t you brought this place up before?”

He shrugged. “Nopony asked.”

“Shit, I think you’re onto something, bro. Anything else special about this place?”

“Well… I know a mare there that’ll do anything for twenty bits—” he leaned in and whispered—“Anything.”

“Whelp!” You exclaimed as you slammed your hand on the table. “I’m sold! When do we start?”

“Woah, woah, woah!” you heard a voice say from behind you. You turned around, and caught sight of Applejack moseying up to the bar, a moderately sized cider in her grip. She pulled up a stool and sat her plump rump behind down on the stool next to yours, her arrival prompting an abrupt tightening of your pants. Unf, that booty!

“What’s this I hear about an underground club?” She sipped on her cider and raised her eyebrows, eyeing your gang one by one.

“Apparently, Mac here can get us into an underground club. You should totally go clubbing with us!” Lyra exclaimed as she turned back around after ordering a couple more beers.

“Clubbing? Like the thing you do with seals?” She asked with an eyebrow raised. “Isn’t that illegal?” Applejack looked about cautiously, before she leaned in and whispered as loud as the bar din would allow. “I went fruit bat clubbing once. It was amazing. But don’t tell anypony I said that.”

“No, dude. Clubbing, like a nightclub. With loud music, probably drugs, and lots of booze. Oh, and a ton of ponies looking to hook up,” Lyra explained with a wide smile.

AJ scratched at her chin for a moment. “Hmmm...”

“Yo, fuck this!” You declared as you downed the rest of your drink. “Fuck all this thinking shit! Let’s just go fucking do it, man!” You rose from the bar as you pointed towards the bar’s emergency exit. “Assemble fuckers, the night’s wasting away! Let’s go do something exciting!”

“Hell yeah, Anon!” Big Mac rose with you before he brought you into a drunken brohug.

“HEY HOMIES, LEMME GET IN ON THAT SHIT!” Lyra exclaimed as she downed the rest of her cider and hopped up from her stool before she too joined in on the brohug. “I’m so fucking in, by the way!”

You looked over to the orange mare still seated at the bar. “So Applejack, you in, or what?”

“Eh, what the hay?” Applejack said with a shrug as she got up from her stool. “I suppose I’ll tag along with you guys.”
APPLEJACK HAS JOINED YOUR PARTY!

As this announcement rang throughout the bar, you stared at the mare expectantly, who just stood there awkwardly in response.

“Uhh…”

“He wants you to get into the brohug, bruh,” Lyra pointed out.

“Join us, Applejack. Make us whole,” you slurred out as you beckoned the mare towards the three of you.
She shrugged and approached the three of you, before joining your embrace.

“One of us,” you whispered.

Several seconds into the brohug, she suddenly flinched. “H-hey, who touched my flank?!”

“It totally wasn’t me—” you lied— “it was probably Lyra.”

“Yeah, it was probably me.”

You stared at the unicorn, and your bro sense connected in a split second of understanding.

“Bro.”

“Brah.”

“Broooooooooooooooooo.”

“Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.”

“What are they doing?” Applejack asked her older brother.

“Shush,” he hushed her before he joined in. “Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.”

“Brooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”

“Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.”

“Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.”

“Can we go now, please?” Applejack inquired, suddenly becoming very concerned for her mental health.

“Yeah, I think we’re done here,’ you responded.

“THE BRO RITUAL IS COMPLETE, IT’S TIME TO BRO DOWN!” Lyra announced before the four of you broke up and made your way to the exit.

“HEY!” You heard Salty call out from the bar. “WHO’S PICKING UP THE TAB!?”

“Send it to the princesses, they pay for all my shit!” You shouted back before stumbling your way through the emergency exit, setting off the bar’s fire alarm.

The bar keep shrugged, unbothered by the blaring ringing as he absentmindedly polished a glass as he watched your party follow you out the building. “Whatever man, as long as I get my bits.”

Princess Luna sat at her throne, having just started her nightly duties, allowing her sister to get some well-deserved rest.
Unlike her sister’s daily duties, however, her nightly duties mainly involved her sitting around on her ass drinking tea and the occasional spiked coffee. Except for the occasional monster hunt and drug addict looking for somebody to rant to at 3 AM, nothing happened at night.

Well, that wasn’t necessarily everything that happened at night. Like clockwork, a piece of parchment popped into existence before the princess of the night, which she caught with her telekinesis. She opened the scroll and skimmed the contents.
It was a bill. An unpaid bar tab from everypony’s favorite human, Anonymous, that was being left to Equestria’s taxpayers to pay.

She shrugged and approved it for payment. She didn’t quite understand why Celestia had the Equestrian taxpayers pay for every single bill the human immigrants had sent to them, but that was none of her business.

Besides, Anonymous was pretty bro-tier.

“Dude, this is so fucking boring,” Lyra moaned as Big Mac lead you and the rest of your party through the streets of the Ponyville downtown area.

“Cut it with the whining, sweetheart,” Applejack responded, shooting the unicorn a glare.

Lyra’s head sank down as she sighed. “This sucks…”

You glanced over to the mare. “Well… I guess sometimes you’re better off dead...”

She met your gaze and gave you that look, knowing full well what you were trying to do. “There’s a gun in your hand and it’s pointing at your head—”

“You think you’re mad, too unstable—” you sang along with the mare.

“Kicking in chairs and kicking down tables—”

“In a restaurant in a West End town—”

“Call the police, there’s a madman around—”

“Running down underground to a dive bar—”

“In a west end town!”

“IN A WEST END TOWN, A DEAD END WORLD—” the two of you sang in unison— “THE EAST END BOYS AND WEST END GIRLS-”

“We’re here!” Big Mac announced, which brought an abrupt end to your musical number.

You glanced around and found yourself in front of Ponyville’s town hall, much to your confusion.

“Yo, you sure?” You inquired as you shot him an unconvinced look. “A government building doesn’t seem like the place for an underground club.”

“Ya’d be shocked, Anon,” he responded as he approached the building and knocked on the wall.

Actually, his knocks turned into a catchy beat.

“Yo, dude, was that Funky Town?” You asked.

“Shush.”

“Dude, that was totally Funky Town!” Lyra confirmed.

“Fuck yeah, man! I love that song.”

“Keep it down, guys, I-”

The wall shifted, immediately shutting up the red stallion. The wall rolled back, revealing a large doorway, guarded by a particularly large stallion.

“Yo, Big Mac, didn’t expect to see you here, normally you call in before you show up,” the bouncer said to your bro. “Are you here for business or pleasure?”

“Pleasure.”

The large stallion now noticed the rest of you standing behind Big Mac.

You flashed him a shiteating grin and a thumbs up, an action Lyra tried to replicate, only to remember she had no thumbs.

“Uh…” he began, giving the red stallion an incredulous look. “You don’t get to bring friends.”

“They ain’t my friends,” he responded. “They’re my bros.”

Applejack cleared her throat behind her brother, annoyed.

“...and sister…”

The bouncer nodded. “No bros left behind, Big Mac. The first commandment of the Bro Code.”

The red stallion hung his head. “All right guys, I guess-”

“Hence why I’m letting you in, you idiot. Really, you didn’t see where I was going with that? It was pretty obvious.” He rolled eyes before he motioned you all inside. “Oh, and don’t worry, no charge for them.”

Big Mac nodded his thanks and pushed in past the bouncer, waving the rest of you to follow. After you tipped the stallion (but not too much, because you knew you needed to keep the poor poor) and clapped in light of recent events, you followed your bro inside, the rest of your party close behind.

As your party entered the club, your eardrums were nearly blown the fuck out by the sheer volume of the music.

Smashing.

“Ayy Big Mac!” You heard a voice call out over the loud club music.

You scanned the room for the source of the voice and spotted a white mare with a mane of varying shades of blue trotting your way.

You didn’t know why, but she struck you as over-hyped.

The two of them flashed each other a series of what appeared to be gang signs before they embraced each other.

“Yo dude, good to see you again,” the mare chirped as she broke away from him.

“Eeyup.”

“Are these your friends?” She asked, motioning over to the rest of you.

“Eeyup.”

“Yo!” She exclaimed as she turned her attention to you and the others. “I’m Vinyl, nice to meet you guys.”

“Vinyl? You mean like DJ PON-3?” You inquired.

“Guilty as charged!”

Your suspicions of her being over-hyped were just confirmed.

“Damn, I love your shit!” You lied hardcore.

“Yo, thanks man!” She flashed you a mile-wide smile before turning back Big Mac. “Yo dude, my college roommate’s at the bar. You should totally go buy her a drink or something.”

“I dunno… kinda came here to hang out with my bros.”

“Nah man,” you spoke up, “go get some booty. We’ll go hit the dance floor and meet you at the bar. Besides, dancing was never really your thing, anyway.”

“But-”

"Dude, seriously?” Lyra asked with a deadpan expression, before motioning widely at the bar. “Go get some! It’d go against the Bro Code if we cockblocked you.”

“But so would choosing hoes over bros,” he pointed out.

“That only applies when we don’t give you permission, bro,” you retorted. “You’re good to go, brah. Go get you some poon-tang.” 

“All right…” the red stallion looked over to his sister with a raised brow. “Ya wanna chime in?”

Applejack shook her head. “Nah, it isn’t my place,” she responded. “Besides, Anon and Lyra here can keep me company.”

“Yeah man, I can take care of your sister here,” you said as you wrapped an arm around the orange mare and shot your bro a toothy grin.

He shrugged. “All right guys, if ya insist. Just don’t get in any trouble, ya hear?”

“Awesome!” Vinyl cheered. “Come on dude, I’ll introduce you to her.”

She grabbed your bro by the foreleg and pulled him away, leaving only you, Lyra and Applejack.

Oh well, it was good to be the center of attention once more.

“Yo… Anon…” You heard Lyra whisper to you, which was loud enough to hear over the music, somehow.

“Sup?”

“What was with that little fangirl impression back there?” She asked as she gave you a look. “You and I both know you hate her music.”

“Because that booty game is easily the best in the room, bro.”

“But the Official 2014 Ponyville Booty Power Ranking says that-”

“I KNOW WHAT IT SAYS, brah, but I can’t outright speak the truth in front of present company, can I?”

“Nah, I don’t mind,” Applejack said, weaseling her way into the conversation. “What are ya’ll discussin’?”

“Who would win in a fight between Mr. Rogers and Jesus,” you replied quickly, dodging the bullet. Lyra nodded in approval in response to your quick thinking.

“Now that there is an interestin’ one…” she trailed off as she rubbed her chin in thought. “I mean, Mr. Rogers is a secret badass, but would it be enough to take on Jesus’s kung-fu grip action? I dunno Anon, but it keeps me up at night…”

You blinked as you looked at the orange earth pony like the first time you gazed upon her glorious ass.

She caught your stare and examined you with an inquisitive glance. “Anon, are ya-”

“Can I, like, marry you or something?” you blurted out.

You instinctively reached for your pockets, expecting spaghetti to be flowing freely out of them.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Smooth,” Lyra commented, a smirk across her face.

“Nothing. Sorry, you just said something really awesome.”

She giggled. “Shucks Anon, your gonna make me blush.”

You caught Lyra silently clapping out of the corner of your eye in response to your recovery. You’re starting to feel like you’re in the Matrix with all the bullets you’re dodging.

Maybe you were.

“How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real?” You blurted out.

“What?” Applejack cocked her head at you, looking at you as if you just told her you ate ass. You’re certain marinara was flowing steadily from your pockets now. Not even a steady supply of garlic bread could mop up this mess.

Thinking on your feet, you quickly corrected yourself. “I said, are you into dancing?”

Smooth.

“Are ya asking me to dance, Anon?”

“My name’s Neo,” you corrected her, voice grim.

“Huh?”

“Sorry, just fucking with you.”

Sweatingman.jpg

“You're a strange one, Anon.”

“Yeah, I get that a lot.”

“Ya didn’t answer my question.”

“Oh yeah… yeah, I guess I am asking you to dance. But I have one question for you first…”

“What’s that?”

“Do you know how to safety dance?”

“Of course I do… though it really isn’t that safe…”

“What’s life without a little risk?”

You grabbed the two mares and pulled them onto the dance floor. As you pushed through the crowd, you waved over to the DJ. He waved back, before he replaced the current vinyl with a fresh one.

Soon after, the familiar opening beat of Safety Dance blared out of the speakers.

“Anon, how the hell did ya manage to set that up? You were standing there the whole time.”

“In the Matrix, anything is possible,” you replied sternly.

“What?”

“DANCE BITCH!”

Using the skills that were blessed upon you by Michael Jackson, the Patron Saint of Dance, you safety danced to your heart’s content. Your two companions attempted to keep up with your flurry of movements, but they were truly no match for your expert dance skills.

“We can dance if we want to!” You sang along to the lyrics as you danced.

“We can leave your friends behind!” Lyra chimed in.

“Cuz if your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance-” Applejack sang with that adorable accent of hers.

“Well, they’re no friends of mine!” You finished.

“Yo, dude, I just got a sudden case of deja vu,” Lyra commented.

“Considering how lazy and uncreative the writers are, this scene was probably stolen from an earlier work,” you pointed out.

“Wouldn’t surprise me.”

The three of you continued to dance drunkenly to your heart’s content throughout the night. With your combined efforts, you dazzled the entire dance floor. Some ponies even cheered you and your merry band of bros on.

Damn, it’s felt good to be gangster.

“Yo guys, I’m getting kinda tired of dancing,” Lyra spoke up. “Wanna hit the bar?”

This was, of course, blasphemy. It was written in the Book of Ayy that anybody who dared interrupt the routine of an individual blessed by the Patron Saint of Dance before he/she finished was to be struck down on the spot.

However, while the Book of Ayy is a holy and sacred text, there was no text more holy and sacred than the Bro Code. The Bro Code conflicted with this, because if a bro asked you to do something, you were supposed to agree to it, or at least politely deny it if the favor was not within your tastes or an impossible task for you.

Besides, you’d gladly sin for your bro, regardless.

“Sure brah, I’m sobering up anyway,” you answered.

As you made your way off the dance floor, you felt something brush up against your side. You glanced down and spotted Applejack at your side, looking up at you with a smirk.

“Ya still have yet to drink me under a table, partner.”

"If you feel like dying of alcohol poisoning, you’re welcome to try to beat me.”

Applejack hmphed. “Were it so easy, Anon?”

You and your companions moseyed your way over to the bar. As you approached, you spotted Big Mac sitting on his lonesome. You hopped on the stool next to him and slapped him on the back. “Sup brah?”

“Nothin’ much, Anon,” he replied, morose.

“Where’s the mare?”

“Bathroom.”

Applejack hopped on the stool beside yours, much to Lyra’s annoyance. “Anon, I’m callin’ ya out.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I think you're all talk, sugarcube. Ya’ve been talkin’ big all evenin’, but you’ve yet to drink me under a table like ya said ya would yet.”

“Maybe because I don’t want somebody to go to the hospital just because they’re prideful.”

“You’re underestimating me, Anon.”

“Am I?”

“Ya sure are.”

You gave the mare a look before you slammed your fist down on the bar.

“Yo! Bartender!”

The stallion who was manning the bar made his way over to you.

“What can I get you?”

“Two shots of bourbon, single tab, keep it coming.”

“Right away.”

“About time ya showed some balls, Anon,” she commented with a smirk as she watched the bartender pour out your drinks.

“I showed plenty to you this morning,” you retorted with a smug grin.

“Touche.”

The two of you simultaneously drank down the liquid inside your shot glasses, before placing them down on the bar. The bartender did his job well, refilling both shot glasses immediately.

You made a mental note to tip him fifty percent like a real American hero.

“I hope you’re ready for a night in the hospital,” you commented to the country mare. “You’re going to need your stomach pumped after this.”

“Right back at ya, Anon.”

You eventually lost count of just how shot glasses you have downed in the past… well, you lost track of how long this has been going on. By this point, you didn’t even care who won, you just wanted to see Applejack give up.

Unfortunately, she just wouldn’t quit. She kept pace with you well.

The two of you downed yet another round of shots and placed the glasses back down on the table.

“Don’t you guys think you’ve had enough?” The bartender asked.

“No!” You both shouted in unison.

He shrugged as he poured out another round. “Whatever, I’m not the one paying for your medical bills.”

You looked over to the mare beside you. This was going nowhere, just getting you more and more drunk. While there was nothing wrong with that, it wasn’t yielding you any results.

You needed to ask yourself, what would Black Jesus do in this situation?

Probably shoot hoops or something to do with big booty hoes, now that you thought of it. You didn’t really see how-

Of course! The answer was so obvious!

“Yo, Applejack,” you slurred out. “Did I ever tell you have a really nice ass?”

She hiccuped. “Nah.”

“Well, you do.”

She chuckled. “Thank ya kindly, Anon. Your posterior isn’t half bad either.”

“Haha, yeah.”

Wait, what?

“Wait, what?”

The mare didn’t respond. You glanced towards her, and found Applejack slumped over the bar, snoozing lightly.

“Huh, I guess I win.”

You mentally high fived yourself, before turning towards Big Mac. “That chick come back yet?”

He shook his head no.

“Damn shame, brah.”

“Eeyup.”

As these words left Big Mac’s mouth, the nearby mare’s restroom doors flung open, and out stumbled a gray, black maned mare. She snuffled a hoof under her nose violently as she moseyed over to the bar.
She hopped up to the stool beside and flashed your bro a toothy grin. “Hey babe.”

“Ya took a long time,” he commented as he took a drink like he didn’t give a fuck.

“Well, I had a lot of blow,” she snapped back at him, before she shot a glance over to you. Her eyes rolled up and down you as she eyed you like a piece of particularly well-marinated meat. You felt a slight tingle in your groin at the gesture.

“So who’s your friend, baby?”

Big mac put his drink down and wiped his mouth. “This here’s my bro.”

You felt your inner alpha pulsating inside you as you extended your hand out to the mare.

“My name is Anonymous, but you can call me Anon, baby,” you said as you took the mare’s hoof in your grasp. She shook it gently and giggled a little at your debonair attitude. “You a local around here?”

"Oh, no. I just moved here. I’m living with Vinyl.”

You barely caught what she was saying, though. Between her fantastic hip-to-flank-ratio, that elusively seductive Cockney accent, the copious amounts of alcohol that flowed through your liver, and the fact you were pretty sure there was a tiny dragon dancing on the bar in front of the three of you, there were plenty of distractions to pick from. You were barely paying attention to the words coming out of her mouth as you fought to control the raging erection in your pants.

“...And I really can’t say how that got stuck in there. But I digress. Can I buy you two darlings a drink?”

“Huh? Oh, oh yeah. Of course you can, baby,” you cracked a toothy grin as the mare indicated the order to the barkeep.

“My name is Octavia,” her smile elicited yet another throb from your crotch. “But you can call me tonight’s lay.” She batted her eyelashes seductively at you as you practically willed your pants not to rip into shreds.

“Excuse me, but I thought Iwas your date tonight, miss,” Big mac said vehemently over the gray mare’s shoulder.
She cocked an eyebrow at the stallion.

“You are, silly,“ she said as she batted her eyelashes at him and ran a hoof down his cheek. “But I want both of you tonight. Am I understood?”

“No,” Lyra responded as she penetrated her way into the conversation.

“I want the big guy and the hairless monkey here to double team me,” she explained, pointing a hoof to you, Big Mac, and her crotch. “It’s not that hard to understand.”

“I know, I was just being ironic.”

“Right,” Octavia said as she rolled her eyes, before she glanced back to the two of you with a raised brow. “So, what do you say, boys?”

Big Mac, with an eyebrow raised, glanced at you with a look of pure bro understanding.

It was a look you had never seen in your life, but you knew it perfectly well, regardless. It was a glance that held a million words, but only one true meaning. You knew what this meant. You were ready for this. You had trained your entire life to be the ultimate bro.

Big Mac’s gesture was obvious, and you knew you wouldn’t let him down.

You gave him a nod that emphasized your devotion to the Bro Code. Regardless of how weird it might get, you would catch a bullet to help this stallion get some.

‘It’s not gay if it’s in a three-way’, was all that the nod said. And it was all that needed to be said.

She smiled as the drinks came up, before she handed each one to its respective owner and winked at the pair. “Bottoms up, boys.”

You tipped the drink up to your lips, letting the bitter liquid wash your sorrows into the abyss. But the liquor tasted… off. With a firm hoof, though, you felt as Octavia pushed at the bottom of your glass, forcing you to drink down to the last drop. It would have been kinda hot if you weren’t already about to choke on the harsh mixture.

You immediately realized why the liquor tasted the way it did as you gulped it down, and from the looks of it, so did your bro.

“Dude, you totally drugged this, didn’t you?” You asked the gray mare with a hiccup.

“W-what?!” She responded, immediately going on the defensive. “No I didn’t! I didn’t even touch your drink. The bartender made them.”

“Don’t bullshit me, man. I know what roofies taste like. One of the many things you do as a member of the Church of the Fonz and a follower of the Bro Code is build up an immunity to roofies by ingesting it.”

She just stared blankly at you, likely unable to comprehend what you just said.

“Now come on,” you said as you hopped off your stool. “Let’s go drop off these two at my place so they can sleep off their drunkenness while we engage in debauchery at your place.”

“Aw!” Lyra moaned, as she clearly didn’t want the night to be over yet.

Octavia remained silent as she responded with a mere nod.

Frankly, the way she had acted crept you out, but that booty game was off the charts. It would definitely qualify as at least number seven on next year's edition of the official Ponyville Booty Power Rankings, or even as high as number four.

You shrugged it off and decided that ass was worth it, even if sticking your dick in a crazy bitch was a terrible idea. You grabbed the passed out country mare and slung her over your shoulder, before you started towards the club’s exit.

“Have a good time, guys~!” You heard Vinyl call after you as your party left the building.

“DP, DP!” You, Big Mac and Lyra sang together. “GOOD FOR YOU, GOOD FOR ME!”

Your party took a shortcut through the dark, spooky alley that lead right to your apartment complex. Ordinarily, you’d avoid this place because you were sure that there were some skeletons lying in wait to ambush and spook you to death, but that booty game was ridiculous enough to risk it.

“Keep an eye out for traps,” you warned your party as you kept your eyes peeled, knowing death was likely just seconds away.

“Wait, I thought everybody who lurked on Ponychan is into traps?” Lyra asked with a raised brow.

“Fuck off back to your shit-tier random board, bro,” you growled at her.

As the three of you glanced about for traps and spooky skeletons in an empty alley way like perfectly sane individuals, you failed to notice Octavia fall behind you and grab a sizeable piece of rubble from a nearby trash can.

Before you knew what was happening, you were on the ground, your head pulsating with pain. You glanced at Applejack, who had fallen to your side when you were hit, before looking up to where you bros stood as you faded in and out of consciousness.

Everything seemed like it was moving in slow motion. Your senses heightened as you felt warm blood trickling from your head and unto the cold cobblestone road.

Big Mac looked at where you had fallen and turned to react, only to receive a blow to the back of the head like you assumed you did. His body fell to the ground like a mighty tree, giving a heavy thump as he impacted the ground.

Lyra looked on in utter shock, unable to fight or flee. She moved her mouth to either speak or shriek, only to suffer the same fate as Big Mac. The blow knocked her off her hooves. Her eyes rolled back into her head as she collapsed.

Applejack did nothing because she lay passed out about two feet away. What a bro...

As your vision blurred between reality and darkness, you could make out Octavia closing on your party, all of you helpless to stop her in your current states.

'Never stick your dick in a crazy bitch’, you made as a mental note before everything faded to black.

“Yo bro, you all right?”

He glanced your way and nodded. “Eeyup.”

“Know how we got in here?”

“Eenope.”

“Fuck.” You leaned back in your chair and heaved out an exasperated sigh. To think, you could be at home getting drunk off your ass and watching hardcore Germane dungeon porn right now.

!

The television suddenly flickered to life. Through the heavy static, you spotted the silhouette of a pony leering at the two of you.

“Would you like to play a game?” They asked with a raspy voice. Their voice reminded you of a stereotypical villain from an overrated movie series.

“NO THANKS, BRO!” You bellowed at the top of your lungs. You pushed your legs against the ground and launched yourself up into the air, before the flimsy chair beneath you crashed down hard. You fell on your ass with a curse as the flimsy chair broke from the impact.

Good thing you never skip leg day, because only plebs work out only their upper body.

Now freed from your bonds, you rose off the ground and made your way over to your bro.

“How you holding up, dude?” You inquired as you worked on untying his bounds.

“The back of my head hurts…” he grumbled with a shrug.

“Yeah, you got knocked the fuck out, bro.”

“So did you, Anon.”

“Bite me.”

You had no trouble freeing yourself from your binds. Not shocking, considering the fact that hooves aren’t very good knot-tying implements. Go figure.

“Damn, this is too fucking easy,” you murmured as you slapped your bro on the back and signalled it’s time to book it the fuck out of there. With hot heels (and hooves), you both turned toward a long hall, yelling in retarded, exasperated joy.

‘This is way too easy,’ you thought to yourself. Just as soon as the thought fizzled out of your head, a cord ripped at your ankles and you felt the world fly up at you.

“Fuck!” You cried as the hardwood floor filled your vision. “Not the face!”

Big mac tumbled on top of you. You groaned as stars spun around your vision. As you shook yourself from your dazed state, you heard the clop of hooves overhead. A pained groan escaped your throat, before you turned to look up.

A menacing smile lit up in the dim light.

“That’s not how we play the game, silly. But something tells me this game will be much, much more fun!” A voice taunted you from the darkness, tinged with a Cockney accent. Anger swelled in your chest as you watched Octavia step into the light. A sadistic grin spread across her face.

Big Mac roared defiantly as he jumped off of you and faced down with the deranged mare. His foreleg pawed aggressively at the ground as he glared daggers at her.

With a snort, he charged towards Octavia. She cackled as she held a knife out towards him. As he closed the distance between the two of them, she slashed wildly at him. Just before the blade could slice up your bro, he sidestepped her strike. Before she could react, he turned about and bucked her square in the jaw; the impact sending the crazed mare flying.

“That’s for tellin’ us we’re gonna get laid and then tryin’ to kidnap us, you fuckin’ bitch!” He bellowed. He then turned towards you and spoke in a calm tone. “Let’s make like a tree and get the fuck outta here.”

Ignoring Octavia’s gurgling coughs, you picked yourself up off the floor and bolted down the hall, with your compadre close behind. At the end of the long hall, you spotted a door rimmed by a crack golden of light.

Freedom!

However, just as you grabbed for the door handle, you heard Big Mac shout behind you.

“Wait! Anon, AJ! And Lyra! We can’t leave my sister behind. Or a bro.” Despite the blood-matted mane hiding much of his face, you could catch sight of an expression equal parts determination, pain and exhaustion.

“...oh yeah, almost forgot about them.”

The Bro Code demanded no bro be left behind, and you had to help your bro to find his sister, too.

Plus, that booty game was too ridiculous to leave behind.

“Let’s go get em, bro!” Big Mac declared as he threw a hoof into the air.

You nodded as you mirrored his pose. “FUCK YEAH! LET’S DO THIS SHIT, BRAH!”

You both fell silent as the pair of you stood there, the bravado quickly being sucked out of you as you both realized how out of your depth you were.

“So, uh… what do we do?” Big Mac stared at you with an unsure expression.

“I dunno, dude—” You scratched your chin in thought, looking to the ceiling for answers—“Maybe we should-”

!

You both flinched as the scream of a chainsaw starting up echoed down the hall.

“OH SHIT, SHE’S SENDING PATRICK BATEMAN AFTER US!”

“What!?” Big Mac shouted, unable to get your reference. You merely rolled your eyes and called him a newfag under your breath.

Another ripping sound of the chainsaw broke you out of your stupor and you backed up to the door. “Look man, we gotta do something. Something… drastic.”

“That’s more your department, Anon.”

“Oh, yeah…”

As the sound of the chainsaw grew louder, closing in on your position, you quickly came up with a plan off the top of your head. You unfastened your belt and pulled down your zipper, before you let your pants fall to your ankles.

“...Anon, what are ya doin’?”

“Something drastic.”

In the dark's gloom, you spotted Octavia as she stepped into the light, her eyes glowing as bright as her crooked smile. The chainsaw growled in her arms like a rabid predator.

“Anon, WHAT ARE YA DOIN’?” Big Mac screamed as he backed into the wall behind him, his eyed wide with terror as he stared down the crazed mare bearing down on the two of you.

You were cool, though. A calm breath escaped your body, and clarity focused itself in your mind.

You knew what to do.

“Trust me, bro, I’m a level five wizard. I got this.”

Vigorously, and with much gusto, you began spanking the half-chub that any normal male would have received from watching a smoking hot mare bare down on him with a deadly gardening implement. As you reached terminal hardness, you stepped towards the crazy mare, your fist a blur from the sheer speed of your stroke.

“Is this what you want!?” You shouted as you waddled with your pants around your ankles towards the pony. “Come and get it, bitch!”

With a grin, you realized your stupid idea was working. A large grimace spread across Octavia’s face as she watched you waddle over to her, idly stroking yourself as you approached her.

“What the fuck?!” She cried in shock, backing away as you moved towards her. You closed in on her at the end of the hallway, a mere couple feet apart from each other. She had lowered her chainsaw, which puttered in her hooves. Once you had gotten close enough, though, you began spinning your erection wildly.

“To impress a chick, do the helicopter dick! HELICOPTER DIIIIIIIIIIICK!”

With a shriek of pure horror, Octavia turned around and bolted across the long living room as you bunny hopped behind her.

“Go, Big Mac! I’ll scare her off, go find AJ and Lyra!” And with that, you plunged, dick-first, into the dark of the maniac’s house. You wondered why she would have a massive male restroom in her house, but frankly, you weren’t one to give much of a fuck about stuff like that. There were more important things at hand.

As you crept down the carpeted halls, you stroked yourself habitually, your other hand feeling along the wall for any landmark.

“Aha,” you muttered to yourself as your hand brushed against some round and metallic. You wrapped your fingers around what you assumed was a doorknob and twisted it, before pushing the door forward, its hinges squeaking as it swung open. You tiptoed into the room, searching for a light switch. After a quick search, you found one along the wall beside the doorway. With a clack, the lights popped on and you saw a room full of urinals. They were brand new, some even covered in sheets of plastic.

Dude, what with this bitch and urinals?

Better yet, why do ponies have urinals? How would they even use them? It seemed like it’d be rather uncomfortable for a quadruped to use one.

You shook these thoughts away. These were questions for a later time.

You glanced about the room, searching for anything out of the ordinary.

You know, whatever that means in this situation.

!

Amongst the piss ghosts, you spotted an aquamarine mare, who looked up at you. She took you in, then glanced down at erection, which you were still idly stroking.

She blinked, before a grin spread across her face.

“Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?” She asked, batting her lashes at you.

“I think you mean; aren’t you a little fat for a stormtrooper?” You retorted, gyrating your hips to bounce your pride and joy around in Lyra‘s face.

“Haha… references…”

“Yeah…”

“...”

“...”

“NICE COCK, BRAH!”

“THANKS BRO!”

“WE REALLY GOTTA STOP MEETING LIKE THIS, BRAH!”

“YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT, BRO!”

“SO WE GONNA GET OUTTA HERE, OR WHAT, BROSEPH?!”

“FUCK YEAH, LET’S GET GOING, BROSEIDON!”

The two of you shared a tight, bromantic embrace, which got kinda awkward when you stabbed Lyra in the stomach with your member. She just shrugged it off.

“Put that thing away.”

“I can’t, it’s my secret weapon. Against her.”

“Oh, you mean the psycho bitch? So did she fuck you guys or what?” You shook your head mournfully. Lyra shook along with you, face stern. “A damn shame. I’d rail on that flank all night if I could. But the hot ones are always crazy brah... and besides, I like cock too much.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Woah dude, I didn’t know you were gay.”

“What? Oh... fuck you.”

The rattling sound of a chainsaw starting up again piercing the silence stole your attention. Your eyes shot to the door as everything in your being screamed at you to run.

“Come on, we gotta get the fuck outta here!” You shouted, grabbing Lyra’s hoof. With a shout of surprise, she galloped up behind you as you ran out the door.

“H-hey, buy me a drink first, will ya?!” Lyra called out from behind you, her hoof still held tightly in your grasp.

“Now’s not the time!”

Back in the hallway, you heard the scream of Octavia’s chainsaw roaring behind the both of you.

“I’m going to snap that dick of yours off and deep freeze it so I can enjoy it on a sweltering summer’s day, fuckface!” Octavia’s shrill screech rang out.

“Dude, what in the fuck?” Lyra questioned, suppressing both a laugh and a slight shout of fear.

“Fuck. So much for Operation Yankee-Doodle Dandy. Let’s go, bro!” You wrangled up your pants, tucking your boner in the waistband and cinching down your belt. “Cheese it!”

The two of you skedaddled away from the terrifying noise, rushing past the dark and into the cold static light of the first room.

“Where’s Big Mac and AJ?” Lyra inquired, raising an eyebrow at the television in the room's corner amongst even more urinals. She mouthed a big “What the fuck?”

“Dunno, he’s probably getting his sister out… or rubbing one out,” you answered with a shrug. “One of those two. It’s what I’d do.”

“Hopefully not both.” Lyra grimaced at the mental image.

“What the fuck, bro?” You laughed at your friend’s perverted mind.

A gigantic crash made you both jump, and you turned towards the sound. Your eyes strained to see in the murky darkness, but your ears heard the clatter of hooves clopping against the floor all too well.

Finally, a form walked from out of the shadows. Matted, black hair fell in the mare’s face, and only a gruesome smile was visible. Slowly, she lifted the chainsaw in her hooves above her head as she ripped at the start cord. With a squeal of mechanical life, the chainsaw jumped awake and revved high and loud.

“HERE’SSSSSS TAVIE!” Octavia bellowed, before sprinting towards you and Lyra, her chainsaw flailing wildly in-hoof as she screeched like a banshee.

“Oh, fuck!” You both cried. You dove out of the way at the last second. With a crunch, the chainsaw landed on a urinal behind you and shredded it to dust. Whipping her head around, Octavia screamed at you again, and lunged after Lyra. Too shocked to move in time, the chainsaw’s blade contacted her shoulder. In a moment of shock, you saw Lyra go down in a spray of blood and wide, golden eyes.

“Oh no, bitch! Nobody fucks with my bro but me!” You exclaimed, enraged, before lowering your voice to a barely audible whisper. “N-no hetero.”

Furious, you bore down on the pony, jumping at her from behind and grabbing her by the neck, choking her.

You soon realized this was a terrible idea.

Octavia turned from surprised to downright angry as you tried to hold her in a chokehold. Straining under your weight, she brought the chainsaw up over her and tried to hit you with it from behind her head. You realized this just a tad too late.

“Ah fuck…” you breathed as the chainsaw came down in your arm, and in a moment of startling pain, you dropped back to the floor with a guttural shout.

Fuck, that hurt like a bitch.

Scrambling to get away from the insane mare, you slid yourself backwards on the floor, wincing every time you put pressure on your injured arm.

Your back hit the wall. A small gasp escaped your lips.

This was it.

You were truly fucked.

Blood seeping from the gash in your arm, you looked around, frantic to find something to throw or defend yourself with. Nothing was around, save for a stack of urinals and the clothes on your back. As you saw Octavia bearing down on you step by step, you got desperate. Grabbing off one of your shoes, you hurled it at her. With an audible thunk, it hit her squarely on the forehead.

“Ow!” She shouted, dropping her chainsaw to the ground as she put a hoof up to her aching temple. The chainsaw sputtered and died on the floor. “That really hurt! I’m gonna have a lump there, you idiot!”

You can’t believe that worked. You’re trying your best to avoid giggling as you watched your stupid plan play out.

Octavia put her hooves wide, outraged. “Who throws a shoe, honestly?”

As the crazed mare continued to bitch at you, a hulking mass moving about in the shadows stole your attention, lumbering towards the two of you.

“Uh,” you spoke up, looking at the mare with a raised brow. “You don’t get to bring friends.”

She blinked, looking at you as if you were the crazy one. “What friends?”

“BONK!”

Octavia collapsed to the ground after receiving a nasty blow to the back of her head. As she fell to the ground, knocked out cold, the mass in the shadows walked out into the light.

“Dammit Anon, ya nearly gave me away!”

The large red stallion approached you, an unconscious Applejack on his back and a blood-splattered Louisville slugger tight in his grip.

How he got one in Equestria was beyond you, but you couldn’t give less of a fuck.

“BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Now’s not the time for broship, Anon,” he said, putting a stop to your moment. “That comes later.”

“Bullshit,” you spat out. “It’s always the time for broship.”

“Yeah dude,” a third voice spoke out. “According to the Bro Code, broship never ends, not even after death.”

!

You turned towards the source of the voice and spotted an aquamarine unicorn mare grinning at you.

The same unicorn you just watched get cut down by a crazed chainsaw-wielding bitch.

“Sup cunts?” She asked, before she raised a curious brow at you. “Yo Anon, you aight? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

OH FUCK, YOUR BRO WAS A GHOST.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THEY KILLED LYRA!” You cried to the heavens before you fell to your knees. “YOU BASTARDS!”
Lyra blinked.

“I’m... dead? Anon, I-” A strange look overtook Lyra’s face. “AWESOME, I’M A GHOST!”

You suddenly realized how fucking outstanding that was. “FUCK YEAH, I HAVE A GHOST BRO NOW! AIN’T THAT SOME SHIT?!”

“FUCK YES! DUDE, I’M TOTALLY GONNA WATCH YOU MASTURBATE FROM THE CEILING!”

“HAHA, WHAT THE FUCK?!” You snorted out. “That sounds pretty fucking hetero to me, bro.”

“N-no hetero?” Lyra asked, her face going red as she quieted down.

“No hetero.” You confirmed with a nod.

“You two are weirdos,” Big Mac commented.

“But we’re your weirdos, bro,” you countered with a smirk. Lyra nodded in agreement with your statement.

“I know,” he responded with a smile. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

After a round of circlejerking and taking turns teabagging the unconscious mare that was just trying to kill you with a chainsaw, you and your merry band of bros left that urinal filled hellhole behind.

Fucking urinals, man. You’d never look at them the same.

“So... I’m not a ghost?” Lyra inquired as the three of you walked out of Octavia’s house

“Nah.”

“Eenope.”

“B-but… how else will I fuck with ponies and watch them masturbate?” She inquired.

“Dunno—“ You gave her aquamarine horn a flick as you eyed her cheekily—“Magic?”

“Hey hey hey!” She slapped your hand away, her cheeks darkening. “Don’t touch my thing!”

“Why not?” You inquired, clueless.

“Because Anon—” Big Mac spoke up—"If ya knew anything about foreplay with a mare, ya’d know that horns are really sensitive.”

“Oh… OH!” Smooth Anon. Real smooth.

“No hetero?” Lyra asked.

“No hetero,” you confirmed with a nod, before turning your attention to the rest of your party. “So you guys down to get shitfaced and try to forget the haunting memories of the horrific experience we just went through?”

“Anon, don’t ya think it’s a bit early to be drinking?” Big Mac asked as he glanced at his watch, “It’s six in the morning.”

You gave your bro deadpan look. “The early bird gets the worm, Big Mac.”

“Ya don’t even like tequila.”

“Shut up, I’m trying to be clever.”

Big Mac shrugged, before shooting a glance back at Applejack, her unconscious form still slumbering on his back. “I need to get her home anyway, Anon. I’ll catch ya two later.”

You and your unicorn companion looked on with tear-filled eyes as Big Mac separated from the two of you and trotted in the general direction of Sweet Apple Acres.

Once the two of you were alone, you turned towards your female bro with an inquisitive look.

“Wanna head back to the apartment and turnt?”

“I would love to go back to the apartment and get turnt the fuck up with you, Anon,” she responded to you with a pleasant smile.

“FUCK YEAH!”

The two of you skipped merrily to your shitty apartment, thoughts of cheap booze and convincing your hot MILF landlord to get wasted with you dancing through your mind.

Your living room blinked in and out of your vision as you awoke the next morning. The events of the last couple days were just a distant blur to you now. The copious amounts of vodka that you ingested with your bro and landlady did a number on your short-term memory.

You briefly wondered if you scored last night, but a quick investigation of your bed revealed no hot MILFs. Just a lightly snoring aquamarine unicorn. You played around with the idea that maybe you scored with Lyra, but quickly banished those thoughts. You don’t bang your bro, that’s just not how shit works.

Besides, you technically couldn’t score with your bro. It’d be nothing more than an extreme case of bromance, like a brojob.

Choo choo.

You sat up in bed, rubbing your throbbing head before grabbing a leftover can of beer off your nightstand. You took a sip from it, relishing in the sensation of the flat swill pooling in your mouth and running down your throat.

After taking a moment to put the can back where you found it, you threw the covers off of you and rolled out of bed—

—only for you to slip on a discarded handle of vodka and fall on your face. “Fuck!” You rubbed your aching face and took a moment to check for any signs of a nosebleed before rolling on your back.

Instead of finding yourself looking up at your ceiling, two golden irises hidden behind messy aquamarine bangs flooded your vision as you found yourself staring into Lyra’s bloodshot eyes. “Nice one, Anon,” she commented with a sly grin.

“I totally fucking did that on purpose,” you responded, before you jumped up to your feet. The world spun around you in a wash of cheap distilled liquor and sleep deprivation.

You burped a little and straightened up.

“Classy,” Lyra said, a discerning eyebrow raised high on her face.

You gave her the finger before shooting her a questioning look. “Hey uh, bro…”

“Yeah, Anon?”

“Did we, uh, you know, do the horizontal tango last night?” You took a sip from your beer.

“Uhmm no. You wish, loser.” Lyra giggled a little and blew a raspberry at you.

“Cunt,” you muttered into your beer before finishing it one go.

“Asshole,” she fired back, a playful smirk on her face.

“Bitch.”

“Pussy ass.”

“Cock-juggling thunder cunt.”

“Super faggot.”

“Hey, now you’re going too far! I like coochie, bro.”

“Who said anything about you being gay? Are you saying anyone who's gay is a fag, dude?”

“Shut the fuck up.” You flicked the unicorn’s horn, eliciting a yelp from her. “If I didn’t rail your nasty ratchet ass last night, tell me I at least got to go balls-deep in my hot as fuck landlady.”

Lyra laughed aloud and rolled off the bed.

“I’m not telling,” she waltzed out, her flanks bouncing seductively as she vacated the room.

“FUCK,” you cried, throwing your empty can across the room in anger.

Seeing as your bro had left your room, you wandered into your bathroom. You stretched out, brushed your teeth with vodka, and downed a swig of toothpaste-

Wait, you fucked up.

After spitting out the mouthful of toothpaste, you went to work brushing your teeth like somebody who isn’t a complete fuck-up. As you maintained your dental hygiene, the bathroom door flung open and in waltzed Lyra with a spring in her trot.

“Sup cunt?” You inquired through the foam spilling out of your mouth.

“Sup homo?” She shot back with a coy smile.

“You’re looking awfully chipper for somebody who should be hungover,” you commented as you spat into the sink. You turned towards Lyra as you waited for the swill to wash down the sink. “What’s up?”

“Well, if you must know—” she responded with a singsong voice—“I just heard from the weed Dude, and he said he would throw in a little extra today.”

You raised a brow at the mare as you turned the shower on. “Weed dude? Don’t you mean the weed man… or the weed stallion?” As the bathroom filled with steam, you dropped your boxers and hopped into the shower.

“Nah, he prefers being called the weed ‘dude’, or just The Dude when he’s off the clock. Oh, and he’s a minotaur, not a pony,” Lyra responded as she hopped into the shower behind you. She glanced down at your groin region. “By the way, nice cock brah.”

“Thanks bro,” you responded, not paying attention as you let the water wash away both your hangover and the weekend’s grunge. You paused as you realized what was happening and gave the mare a curious glance. “Yo, what the fuck? Why are you getting in the shower with me?”

The mare froze up.

“I… uh…”

You raised a brow at her behavior.

“...I want to help save money on the water bill?”

She looked up at you with an uncertain, pleading expression, a nervous smile frozen on her face.

Seems legit.

“Ah. Thanks, bro!” You chirped happily.

Shit was looking up for a nigga.

“Ain’t nothin’ but a G thang, brah,” she responded, waving off your thanks. “Although, I have a favor to ask of you.”

“Shoot homie, anything for my bro.”

“Can you hand me the Apple Spice?”

“Sure,” you responded as you reached over the pony to grab the bottle from the opposite end of the show. “Hey, this isn’t hetero, right?”

“Nope!” She replied, shaking her head. “No hetero.”

“Cool,” you said as poured a dollop of Apple Spice into your off-hand, before you tucked the bottle in between your arm and worked the soap into your hair. You paused and shot her a questioning glance. “So, are we seriously ripping off the Big Lebowski?”

“Come on brah, it’s a minotaur based on The Dude." Her tone was high pitched and excited, her eyes alight with joy as she spoke. “I doubt anyone would care about something as awesome as that. Besides, there’s already a Dude rip-off in town, remember? Hangs out by the bowling alley?”

“Yeah, I know who you’re talking about. You make some fine points, bro.”

“I know I do, brah,” she replied with a grin. “But yeah, I’m pretty excited, I haven’t gotten a good hit in a minute.”

“Four twenty blaze it yolo,” you added as you flicked Lyra on the nose. You didn’t really give a fuck, weed wasn’t your really thing. That said, you figured you could get a good laugh out of watching Lyra get baked out of her dome.

“This shit is good, though. Purple Magic.”

“If I wanted purple magic, I’d go over to Twilight’s house.“ You smiled cheekily at Lyra. “You stoner.”

“Please Anon, I’m not even anything close to a stoner. I just smoke every once in a while.”

You rolled your eyes as you thought of her massive collection of pot leaf-covered clothes, bong and special edition copies of 'Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle’. “That’s what they all say, bro.” You were about to drop the subject and hand your shower companion the Apple Spice, but the slick bottle slipped out of your hands. “Shit,” you muttered and bent down to reach for it.

Just as you had grabbed for it, you felt a hoof smack your ass.

!

“OW FUCK!” You exclaimed in shock as you jumped from the impact. You turned around and glared daggers at Lyra, who was tearing up as she tried to hold her laughter in. “The fuck bro?”

“SHOW YOUR CRACK, GET WHACKED!” She burst out finally.

"YOU BITCH!” You exclaimed with a pointed finger. “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"

After a few moments of retarded laughing, she wiped the tears off her eyes and smiled. “Sorry bro, I had to. Golden opportunity.”

“Right,” you muttered, before handing over the bottle of Apple Spice. “Here’s your fuckin’ soap.”

“DON’T DROP DA SOAP, NIGGA,” you heard Bill Cosby’s advice ring through your head as you rubbed your pained ass. You should have listened to his wisdom.

“Uh, Anon, do you have a loofah in here?” Lyra asked, shaking you from your thoughts as she grabbed the bottle from out of your hand with the use of her telekinesis.

“A what?” You replied as you rinsed the soap off your face.

“A loofah. A rubby thingy. A washcloth? Something?”

“Hold on.”

You leapt out of the shower and opened up a cabinet, reaching inside to grab something.

You pulled your arm out and produced a large, floppy dildo.

“...”

“...”

“...the fuck, dude?”

“Hey, mare’s love toys, bro.”

She rolled her eyes. “Do you have anything that I could use to wash myself?”

You shook the dildo before her with a giant smile.

“That isn’t a sex toy?”

“Nah. I have my hands, bro. I use them,” you said as you hopped back into the shower.

Lyra sighed, looking dour. Her face lit up though, almost instantly.

“Anon?”

“Yes?” You said, rinsing the soap from your upper body.

“Could you…. wash me?”

She stared you back at you with a pair of half-lidded eyes as wiggled her rump seductively. Raising an eyebrow, she bit her lip as she eyed you down.

You shrugged and put the razor you were about to use aside. “Sure homie,” you responded, before commenting with a smirk. “You know bro, this is pretty fucking hetero.”

“Oh shut up,” she said with an embarrassed giggle.

She turned all the way around and magicked the bottle into your hands. As you reached for it, you ensured you tightly this time. With a squeeze, you dribbled the sweet sweet nectar of the Gods onto your bros back and mane. Putting the bottle back in its spot, you started lathering the Apple Spice up into her coat, starting at her shoulders.

“That good?” You asked after a little while; you had already reached down to her hips

“Oh… yes, that feels wonderful.”

“Cool,” you said absentmindedly. You were so busy thinking about what you would get up to today that you hadn’t even noticed that Lyra’s reply had ended with a low moan. As your distant thoughts drifted to ideas of the booty and what bar you would get kicked out of tonight, your leg nudged up against Lyra’s marehood.

She let out a startled, high-pitched yelp in response.

“Whoops. My bad. What the fuck was that noise, dude?” You chuckled at the mare’s outburst.

Lyra merely blushed heavily. “N-nothing. You’re not done yet, don’t stop.”

“Right,” you said, starting to get bored. As you finished the valley of her hips, you peaked and began on her flank. Smirking, you came up with an idea.

“Hey bro?”

“Y-yeah Anon?”

“REVENGE ASS SLAP!” You shouted at the top of your lungs and, cocking your hand back, open-hand slapped the pony ass right in front of you. Before she could even voice an objection, your hand collided with her right buttock with a loud crack.

Lyra jumped a foot straight up in the air with a screech. “ANON, YOU FUCK! GET THE FUCK OUT!”

“But this is my bathroom-”

Before you could protest further, you found yourself shoved out of the room; the door slamming shut behind you. You spun around to force the door open, but it was too late. The door locked with a subtle click.

“Fuck you, bro! How you gonna do your homie like that?” You shouted as you banged on the door. There was no response to your errant knocking, so with a flip of the bird to the door, you prowled around your room for an old towel to dry off with.

Luckily, you stumbled across one. After drying off and tossing on some boxers, you said fuck it and opted to just play some vidya games.

Half an hour later, Lyra emerged in a swirl of steam from the bathroom, looking refreshed. You looked over to the mare with a grunt.

“‘Joint showers to save water’ my ass. You’re paying my next water bill, bitch.”

“Anon, you get all your money from the government,“ she pointed out.

“Oh yeah,” you replied, clicking absentmindedly on your controller. “Oh baby, a triple!” You exclaimed as the little shits playing on the other team cried and cursed as your grenade killed them all.

“Nice brah. So, what’s on the agenda for today, dude?” Lyra asked, flopping down on the end of the bed.

“I was planning to fill condoms up with mayo and throw them at ponies in the town center, then blame it on that one retarded pegasus who fucked up my package last week,” you responded casually, taking a swig from a nearby handle of vodka.

She gave you a look. “I was about to go out to meet up with the weed dude. You wanna tag along?”

You tossed your Xbox controller out a window and turned to face her. “I would love to go meet the weed dude with you.”

She grinned. “Cool. Just don’t mention anything about his rug.”

“Why?”

“He’s very emotional about it.”

After downing a few shots and chowing down on a nutritious breakfast of slightly burnt strawberry poptarts, you back flipped into your room to put some clothes on.

“I’m gonna be stylin’ on bitches today!” You declare to yourself.

You tossed on some faded jeans and your nice scorpion jacket, a jacket that immediately made its wearer a real human bean and a real hero. You examined yourself with a mirror.

“I’m missing something… aha!”

You retreated into the closet and grabbed your pair of GAR glasses. You donned the oversized orange, triangle shaped sunglasses, before examining yourself in the mirror once more.

"I'll be back," you said with your best Arnold impersonation, before flashing the mirror the double thumbs up. You were ready to be seen in public.

You promptly left your room and marched into your living room, where your aquamarine unicorn bro was kicking back on your couch, dicking around with an unnecessarily floppy dildo.

...where the fuck did she get that dildo from?

You shooed away these thoughts and ignored the dildo as you presented yourself to the mare, striking a pose before her. “Yo homie, check me out! Do I look fresh, or what?” You inquired.

Lyra turned her attention away from the dildo and glanced your way. She immediately broke out into laughter.

“Dear Celestia, you look like the autistic lovechild of the anime and television boards of Ponychan!” She got out through her hyena-like laughter.

“Fuck you bitch, I’m stylin’ on your ass.”

“Whatever you say, man. Whatever you say.”

She hopped up from the couch and threw the dildo to the floor (which subsequently exploded), before approaching the front door.

“Let’s go get some fucking weed,” she said.

“Bitchin’.”

She threw open the door and the two of you burst out of it, you looking like a real human bean and a real hero, while Lyra…

She wasn’t wearing anything, like usual.

l-lewd

The two of you strutted your stuff through Ponyville, earning the ire of those who were jealous of your swagger.

“They see me rollin’,” you sang.

“They hatin’,” Lyra fired back at you with a grin as she picked up on what you were doing.

“Patrolling they tryin’ to catch me ridin’.”

“Tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty—” the two of you sang together—“Tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty, tryin’-”

“HEY!” Somebody called out.

You stopped dead in your tracks and immediately looked towards the source of the interruption, expecting some punk ass to be standing there eagerly awaiting a beating. Instead, there stood a brown, long haired minotaur, sporting a pretty kickass pair of shades and a brown bathrobe.

“Nice shades, man.”

“Thanks bro,” you responded as your mood did a complete 180. You flashed the minotaur a thumbs up, which he returned with gusto. You could tell this dude was a cool guy.

“So, broski, you have my grass?” Lyra asked the minotaur after glancing around the area a few times.

“What grass?”

“The weed, Dude.”

“Oh yeah… yeah man, I got it.”

The minotaur produced a baggie and handed off to the unicorn as Lyra produced a small sack of bits. After they swapped items, they tucked away their little treasures, both parties content.

“Always a pleasure, Dude.”

“Yeah man, nice seeing you.”

“Peace, Dude.”

As you walked away from the meetup, Lyra practically hopped next to you as you meandered your way back towards her place.

“Uh, bro?”

“Yeah, Anon?”

“You do realize MJ isn’t illegal in Equestria. Like, there're dispensaries everywhere around here. Why don’t you just go there?”

“Because you got to support your local entrepreneur, you know what I’m saying brah?” Lyra gave you a look which you got all too often. “And besides, the weed dude throws in a lil’ extra sometimes. Lame ass dispensaries don’t.”

“Right,” you replied, not giving a fuck as you watched a particularly big-bootied mare bounce her way past the two of you. Unf. Dat ass.

Having procured Lyra’s Mary Jane, the two of you made your way back to her apartment with a skip in your step. You were really looking forward to watching her trip balls and lose her-

?

“Yo nigga, I thought we were going to your place?” You asked with a raised brow as you realized the two of you were standing outside your apartment.

The aquamarine mare shot you a confused glance. “What are you talking about, man? We’re roomies.”

“Since when?”

“Since, like, forever man. For some fucking reason, you always seem to forget this.”

“But in the last chapter-”

“Nobody cares, us being roomies is cool,” she cut you off with a stern look.

You shrugged it off. “Whatever, as long as my shit doesn’t smell like skunk when you’re done.”

She rolled her eyes at your comment as she opened the door and trotted inside, her grin growing exponentially larger the closer she got to her much sought after high.

“Dude, you don’t understand how long it’s been since I got a hit,” she exclaimed happily as she tossed her weed on the counter and began digging around in the cabinets. You assumed she was looking for a needle or something along those lines to inject her marijuana with.

“For someone who’s supposedly not a stoner, you seem pretty excited,” you commented with a smirk. “You’re like me when I haven’t had access to booze in an hour.”

“Shush,” she hushed you. “Your near crippling addiction to alcohol doesn’t even compare to me smoking weed once in a while.”

“Yeah, well, that’s just, like, your opinion, man,” you retorted with a pout.

She ignored you and continued to dig through the cabinets for whatever the hell she was looking for. You shrugged and plopped down on the couch.

“Shit!”

“What?”

“I’m out of cigar paper…”

“So?” You raised a brow. “Can’t you just eat it, bro?”

“Yeah, but I’d need to make cannabutter, and I don’t have brownie mix. Do you?” She inquired.

“Of course I have some, bro. Bitches love brownies.” You hopped up from the couch and moonwalked your way into the kitchen. You did a spin, grabbed your dick and snatched a box of brownie mix out from your stash. While you’re at it, you grabbed some vodka too. You weren’t kidding about that whole hour thing.

You tossed your bro the box of brownie mix, twisted the lid off your handle and drank down a mouthful of the stuff. Ah, Vodka. As the Russians say, it’s good for soul! At least, that’s what you thought they said.

“Uh… Anon? How do I make this?”

“Read the instructions, retard. Git gud,” you said, your mouth full with straight 40 proof vodka.

“Aight dude, thanks,” Lyra replied sarcastically.

“No problem man, anything for my bro,” you said as your reached over and gave her a quick scratch behind the ears. Bitches love ear scratches. Especially Lyra.

“Do you want some?” She inquired as she pushed into your hand, prompting you to scratch harder.

“Nah man, just do a homie a favor and cook me a separate batch,” you responded as you pulled your hand away, much to her disappointment. “I’m gonna play the vidya, come get me when you’re done so I can laugh at your ass when you’re losing your fucking mind.”

“You don’t exactly understand stoners, do you?”

“So you admit! Fucking knew I was right.”

Lyra let out a slight giggle. “Fuck you, brah, go play your vidya.”

“FUCK YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!”

You flipped Lyra the bird, grabbed your vodka, did a 360 and 0moonwalked into the bedroom.

After what seemed like forever, you finally grew tired of waiting for your bro and turned off your Xbox, before you made your way out of the bedroom.

!

Shit, almost forgot.

You returned to your bedroom momentarily and grabbed your trusty handle of vodka, before vacating it once more. Shutting the door behind you, you walked into the living room and stood in the center, your thumbs laid upon your belt to show that you were the one in charge.

“Where’s my brownies, bitch?!” You demanded.

You heard a chuckle emanate from the nearby couch. You glanced towards the source to find Lyra kicking back on the couch, two empty trays filled with brownie crumbs sitting on the coffee table.

“BITCH, DID YOU EAT MY BROWNIES?!”

She lazily looked up at you with reddened, glazed over eyes. “Wait, what?”

“I said... BITCH! DID YOU EAT MY FUCKING BROWNIES!?” You repeated yourself.

“Yeah, man.” Her tone was a few octaves lower than usual, her words coming out slurred.

“BROOOOOOOOOO!”

“Hmm?”

“WHY’D YOU DO IT?!”

She shrugged. “Dunno… felt like it, man. I was feeling snackish, brah.”

“NOT COOL BRO, NOT FUCKING COOL!” You angrily stomped your way into the kitchen and grabbed two six packs of beer from the fridge, before you made your way back into the living room. “I’m going out, try not to eat anymore of my shit.”

“K.” She watched you as crossed in front of her and approached the front door. “Bye Anon!” She called after you with a lazy wave.

“Peace dude!” You replied with zero animosity as you exited the apartment.

Knock…

Knock…

Knock…

You stood at the front of the Apple family homestead, the two six packs sitting on the ground beside you, awaiting a response from the home’s inhabitants.

After a minute of you tapping on the door, there was still no response.

Fuck.

In a desperate effort to find someone to bro down with whom wasn’t stoned out of their mind, you stepped up your knocking game, slamming on the door with all your might.

[knocking intensifies]

“Anon, what are ya doin’?” You heard a voice ask you.

You turned towards the origin and found little Applebloom staring up at you with inquisitive eyes.

“Knocking, of course. What’s up little homie?” You replied.

“Oh, ya know, kid stuff,” she responded casually.

“Cool, cool,” you said, before raising a brow at her. “Say, are you old enough to drink?”

“I’m like nine, Anon.”

“Oh yeah, fuck. Then could you tell Big Mac to get his ass down here so he can chug these six packs with me?”

“I’d love to, Anon, but he’s bedridden. He’s got a severe case of the blues,” she answered, an amused grin spreading across her face as she said this.

“God dammit,” you said as you absorbed this news. “Whatever, I’m going to go chill in the orchard. Peace out, little dude.”

“Later Anon!” She answered before she wandered off.

You grabbed your six packs, did a 720, and made your way towards Sweet Apple Acres extensive apple orchard, intent on drinking yourself into a coma.

“Uh… Anon?”

Your eyes flickered open as you were awoken by the soft sound of Applejack’s Southern drawl, your vision being dominated by her concerned face.

Honestly, not a bad way to wake up, even with your head pounding from a massive hangover.

“Yo?” you responded, before you flashed the mare a questioning glance, “did we fuck or something?”

She chuckled as she smirked at you. “Nah, ya haven’t wined and dined me nearly enough.”

“Oh.”

Fuck.

You shook off your sleep, and after glancing about, you found yourself leaning against an apple tree in the middle of Sweet Apple Acres.

“Huh,” you muttered out, before turning your attention back to your bro’s big booty-toting sister.

“What are ya doin’ out here, sugarcube?” she asked.

“I’m on the hunt for Dio Brando, obviously,” you responded as if this was common knowledge.

“Huh?” she cocked her head in confusion.

“WHERE IS DIO?! WHAT IS DIO’S POWER?!” you demanded from the orange earth pony.

“Uh huh,” she cracked a smile at your crazed ramblings and gazed past you, spotting a collection of empty beer bottles, “Don’t ya think it’s a little early to be drinking, Anon?”

“I like to get an early start,” you responded casually, as if you weren’t a severe alcoholic.

The mare rolled her eyes. “Ya need help.”

“Hey man, I don’t judge your crippling addiction to apples and apples accessories, so don’t hate nigga,” you said as you willed your collection of beer bottles out of existence and rose up from the ground.

“Don’t ya be talkin’ smack bout’ muh apples!”

“Damn, you really do have an apple problem. You should consider going to rehab,” you brought your hand up to your chin and scratched it in thought as you said this, “...could you even get into rehab for an addiction to apples? I wonder…”

The mare flashed you an annoyed look.

“...tough crowd.”

Applejack slugged you on the shoulder. “Apples are nothing to joke about, Anon.”

“Apples are very serious business,” you said with a sagely nod.

She ignored your attempts at busting her lady balls. “All jokes aside, Ah’m glad you’re here. Ya got anything going on tonight?”

“Oh my, are you asking me out, Miss Applejack?”

She snickered. “Just answer the question.”

“Well, I WAS planning to walk around town with my balls hanging out and express to everybody I run into about how ballin’ I am, but I’m sure I can make some room in my very busy schedule to do something with you.”

A grin spread across her face. “In that case, Ah have a huge favor to ask ya.”

“I am the bone of your sword.”

“Ah beg your pardon?”

“Nothing, continue.”

“Well, Ah need to deliver a cart of apple pies ta Canterlot for some festival, but Ah need somebody to go with me, and Big Mac or any of the girls are available at the moment. Seeing how yer here and all, Ah figure ya could lend me a hoof… or hand, Ah guess.”

“HMMMMMMMM,” you hmmed as you scratched your chin as you thought this over, “I would say yes, but I don’t exactly work for free. You’re going to have to contact Hot Pocket-san if you want somebody to do it for free.”

“Heh, no worries Anon, ya will be rewarded handsomely for yer help.”

“Hoofjob?”

“If ya can get me drunk enough, sugarcube,” she responded with a chuckle, “nah, Ah was thinking more like we could hit up the festival and Ah could pay for the booze.”

Your eyes lit up like you were a child in a candy store, or a janitor inside a 7-11 with free Hot Pockets. “FUCK YEAH BRO! FREE BOOZE IS BEST BOOZE!”

Applejack smiled at your reaction. “Ah assume that means yer on board?”

“Of course!”

“Glad ta hear it! Now let’s go load up the apples and we can hit the road.”

“Awesome. Dibs on being in charge of music.”

“Anon, Ah know ya said ya were in charge of music, but can ya please-”

“SHUT UP BITCH, THIS SHIT’S MY JAM!” you declared as turned up your tunes to MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE, causing your generic smartphone to blast out the hit song, “Nigga Nigga Nigga”.

“Nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga,” you sang along with a big grin on your face, “I’m 100 percent nigga.”

You noticed AJ wasn’t singing along with you, and was staring at you with an unamused look.

“Fine… excuse me for trying to brighten up this boring as hell trip,” you said with a sigh.

“Ah have no problem with music or singing along, but if we’re gonna do it, we gotta do it right,” Applejack chided.

“What are you talking about?” you demanded as you stopped in your tracks and turned towards her, “‘Nigga Nigga Nigga’ is a classic that defines a generation of innocent youths who didn’ do nuffin’. How could you not like it?”

Fuck, you really wished you had Lyra with you right now.

“It’s just not-”

“P-por favor señor y señorita, could you two please stop arguing?” a third voice grunted out, interrupting the two of you.

“Shut up Pablo!” the two of you shouted at the Cuban midget in unison.

“Ay Dios mío…” he grumbled under his breath, before he went back to focusing on pulling Applejack’s apple cart along.

“Why’d you even bring me if you were gonna have fucking Pavlo carry the load?” you asked as the two of you continued walking, “I thought I was gonna get some sweet gains out of this while you sat back and mired them.”

“Thanks for noticing-”

“Shut the fuck up manlet,” you grunted.

“Well, three reasons actually. One, Ah need somepony- somebody in your case, to keep me company on the hike. It’s a long way to Canterlot, as Ah’m sure ya know.”

“But you have me-”

“Ya don’t count,” she interrupted the Cuban.

“Shut the hell up Pablo, you’re out of your element,” you threw in.

He dropped his head and stared at the ground like the beta he was.

You’d feel like a dick, but manlets aren’t people, so it’s okay.

“Now, where were we before we were rudely interrupted?”

“Two, yer a pretty cool guy, so Ah figured it’d be nice to do somethin’ together,” she continued.

“Well, I already knew that, as nobody can resist my charm,” you said with a cocky smirk, “What’s the third reason?”

“The third reason is Ah need a hot piece of ass to accompany me to the festival,” she responded, returning your smirk.

“So this is a date?” you teased.

“Ah guess ya could say so,” she responded to your teasing with a giggle.

“For tree fiddy I can write and illustrate a doujin about the two of you,” the cuban midget offered.

“Shut up Pablo,” AJ shut him down.

“Yeah Pablo, shut up,” you displayed your dominance to the manlet as you utilized your maxed out stealth skill to slip him your contact info without your companion noticing.

A doujin about you and Applejack sounded so fucking cash.

“Speaking of that Anon,” the mare interrupted your self-insert doujin fantasies, “Ah have another favor to ask of ya.”

“You want to team up and collab on a doujin, huh? I gotta be honest, that sounds pretty sick, but I’m much too lazy and incompetent to-”

“Ah’m not talking about that, Ah was talking about what ya said about dates.”

“Oh, okay. Continue,” you said as you gave her your full attention.

“Ya see, Ah have this ex up in Canterlot who’s kinda creepy,” the mare looked rather unnerved as she spoke, “Any time Ah end up in Canterlot she’ll always be followin’ me round making this really creepy noise and never leavin’ me-”

“Wait, hold up, she? You mean like a chick?”

“Yeah.”

“So you’re a lesbian?” you inquired, your hopes and dreams of conquering that booty fading.

“Nah, it was just a phase for the most part, though Ah don’t see anything wrong with a lil’ bump and grind,” she responded with a shrug.

“Noice…” you said, your hopes and dream about da booty not only returning, but intensifying.

“Noice,” Pablo said, only to shut up after receiving an angered glare from you.

“Noice,” said two passing stallions.

“Noice,” said the talking raccoon sitting at the side of the road.

“Noice,” you said again so you could be the center of attention again, “so what were you saying?”

“Uh… anyways, Big Mac normally joins me, but the events of last weekend left him bedridden with a serious case of the blues-”

“Yeah, same thing happened to me,” you interrupted her as you rubbed your aching balls, “but you don’t see me staying in bed and opting out of helping you out... though it’s mainly because that booty game is off the hook.”

The mare gave you an annoyed look.

“Shit, totally didn’t mean to say that last part, I must still be shitfaced… you have an amazing ass, by the way.”

Her annoyed look turned into a grin as she took in your compliment. “Years of apple bucking and kick boxing do give a mare some nice tone.”

“You don’t need to tell me twice. I’m pretty sure that ass is tight enough to bounce a quarter off of…”

You paused as you thought over an idea that popped up in your head. “Hey… make sure to stay away from me if I’m drunk and have quarters on hand.”

“But aren’t ya always drunk?”

“...good point. Okay, avoid me if I have quarters in my inventory.”

“Okay Anon, Ah’ll keep that in mind,” she stated with an amused grin, “anyways, since Big Mac isn’t here, Ah need you to take his place.”

“Well, wasn’t me hanging out with you already the plan? And what does this have to do with dates?”

“Hush sugarcube,” she shushed you, “Ah was just gettin’ to that.”

“Alright… so what’s the next step of your master plan?”

“Well.. Twilight suggested that if Ah show up to Canterlot with a coltfriend, it might scare off my ex, or even help her move on.”

“Uh huh…”

“So… uh…” the orange mare chuckled awkwardly and rubbed the back of her neck, “Ah kinda need ya to pretend to be my coltfriend. Since yer the only one Ah can really trust with this… and yer really the only guy who’s probably even available anyways.”

Ouch.

“Don’t worry, I can pretend to be your bae… and more, but that comes later.”

“Ah don’t really have anything to pay ya with, besides paying for booze and the inn that we will very likely crashing at this evening. Ya okay with that?”

You gave her a look. “You’re asking me if I’m okay with free booze and having a big booty-toting mare hanging on my arm all day long when all I really have to do is be there and be me? Even if you’re just pretending, it’s still a pretty sweet deal. I’d have to be gay to say no.”

She gave you a hopeful look. “So ya will do it?”

“What do you think?” you asked rhetorically, “So this is like that one episode of Space Dandy, right?”

“H-huh?”

“Nothing. I’m in.”

“Great! But Ah do have to lay down a few ground rules, though.”

“Fuck you, I don’t do rules. Rules keep a nigga down, stop oppressing me.”

“Anon…”

“Fuck, fine. But I’m not happy about it.”

“First off, no kissing.”

“Shit, I thought you wanted this to be believable,” you gave the mare a look.

“Ah know, and it will be, but we gotta have boundaries, Anon. We’re only pretending, ya know?”

“Me? Boundaries? Surely you jest.”

“Nah, Ah’m completely serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”

“AYE YI YI!” the two of you heard Pablo cry. You turned around to see the midget on the ground, writhing in pain with his back bent backwards at an unnatural angle.

“Dear Celestia!” Applejack cried out in shock as she took this in, “Get up Pablo, Ah don’t pay ya to lie around the job.”

“But señorita, my back! I think I broke my back!”

Manlets, they never learn.

“That’s it, no Subway for ya!” she said, only to be responded to with cries of pain, sorrow, and agony, before turning towards you, “Anon, ya mind getting this for me? I’ll give Pablo’s Subway.”

“No, please senor! Don’t take my Subway!” he begged of you.

You ignored him, because manlets aren’t people.

“Yeah nigga, I can help you out. I need to make up for all the gains this cardio is killing anyways,” you said as you kicked the writhing Cuban aside and took the cart, “glutes for the sloots.”

Unbeknownst to the two of you, something lurked in the nearby forest, watching as the two of you left the crippled manlet behind and continued along the path

“Jiiiiiiiiiiiiii~”

After the death of many gains, you and the orange earth pony who accompanied you finally wandered into Canterlot around sunset.

You paused, taking a moment to take in the city and it’s sights, as well as it’s fashionably dressed citizens. The streets and buildings were decorated with a myriad of bright and colorful decorations for the festival. The castle that towered over the city was decorated in a similar fashion as well, and-

“This is so fucking gay,” you commented, interrupting the narrator.

“Cheer up, Anon,” Applejack spoke up, slugging you in the shoulder, “there’s plenty of booze round these parts, especially during the festivals.”

“Alrighty then,” you did your best Ace Ventura impression as your eyes lit up with childish glee, “booze when?”

“Booze soon,” she promised as she turned towards the apple cart you were dragging around, “Ah just need to drop off these apples and we’ll be good to go.”

“FUCK YEAH, GET HYPED NIGGA!” you cheered, earning you glares from the nearby nobles.

Like you gave a fuck.

Applejack grinned at your stupidity, before she looked about in an attempt to figure out where the two of you were going.

!

There she was, watching the two of you from a nearby alley. A white mare with a long mane that was clearly dyed pink, obscured by the shadows.

“Jiiiiiiiiiiiiii~” she jii’d as she watched the two of you intently from her obvious hiding spot.

The orange mare shrunk back and clung onto you, much to your surprise.

“You wanna get some dinner first?” you joked unknowingly, looking down at her with a smirk.

“Now’s not the time for kiddin’ round, Anon…” she muttered, motioning over to the alley. You looked where she was motioning, and spotted the stalker hidden in the shadows.

“Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~”

You immediately felt unnerved upon hearing the universal chant of a yandere.

A yandere was a whole level of crazy that was even too crazy for you. Yet, for some reason, a lot of your fellow /a/utists actually fantasized about having a yandere follower.

Fucking retards.

Ignoring the stalker bitch, you turned back to Applejack, who looked like she was about to have a panic attack.

“Don’t worry about it, she’s harmless,” you said as you slung your arm around the mare.

That was a lie, of course. Anyone who knew anything about yandere knew they were emotionally unstable.

They also had a tendency to snap and try to kill the object of their obsession.

“Come on, let’s go drop these apples off and do something,” you urged her.

“Okay…”

After the two of your dropped off the apples, you made your way towards the castle, where much of festivities were taking place. Shit was very gay, to be frank, but with a booty like the one accompanying you and a very large amount of booze in your system, you were sure you would be able to enjoy yourself.

You fetched a couple overpriced beers from a vendor and walked over to your companion, who still appeared to be unnerved by the earlier incident.

“You cool, nigga?” you inquired as you handed the second beer over to her.

“Yeah, Ah’m just peachy, Anon,” she responded, snatching the bottle away from you.

“That’s a lie, isn’t it?” you took a seat on a nearby unoccupied bench and took a sip of your beer.

“Gee, how’d ya figure that one out?” she plopped down beside you and took a large drink from her bottle.

“Male intuition, I guess,” you said with a shrug, “just relax, man. Drink some booze and have some fun, that’s why we’re here, right?”

She answered your question by taking another large drink from her beer.

“Honestly Anon, the only reason why Ah agreed to stick around for the festival is for ya. Ah owe ya free booze, after all.”

“As much as I appreciate the thought, you look pretty shitty right now. I don’t mind heading back to Ponyville and hitting up Salty’s instead.”

The mare shook her head. “Nah, it’s too late now. Bandits travel the roads at night, so unless ya wanna end up stabbed in back, ya best hunker down for the night.”

“Fuck that bro, I can take some fucking bandits!” you declared as you flexed and showed off your gains, “WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO WHEN THE HULKSTER RUNS WILD ON YOU?!”

Applejack cracked a smile for the first time since you guys arrived in Canterlot. “Yeah, and Ah imagine with my kickboxing experience, we’d be a force to be reckoned with.”

“Especially with legs like those,” you motioned to her large, muscular rear legs with a growl, “I’d hate to be on the receiving end of those. I don’t imagine I’d get up again after taking a hit from them.”

A small giggle escaped AJ’s lips. “Shucks Anon, yer gonna make me blush.”

ALPHA MODE, ACTIVATE.

“You look cute as fuck when you blush.”

You noticed Applejack’s orange cheeks turn slightly pink as you said this.

“Anon… Ah… uh… heh…”

Aw fuck, you left this bitch speechless.

“What?”

She blinked, before looking off to the side with an intensifying blush. “Nothing, forget Ah said anything.”

The mare took a drink from her beer and leaned back against the bench with a content sigh. “Ah’m sorry about being a bit of a buzzkill, Anon. Ah should really be trying to enjoy myself, not having a panic attack over some crazy ex. It’s not like Ah get much time to have fun anyways, what with the farm and all...”

“Make the time, then,” you said, “life can’t be all work and no play. You gotta get down and party, nigga.”

“Easier said than done,” she responded.

“Bullshit man,” you spat out, “Big Mac can handle some extra work. Hell, I can work more if it’d make a difference.”

“Ya would?”

You nodded. “I have a moral obligation to help my bros out, and considering you’re pretty bro-tier, I guess you qualify. Even if that means taking a break from being me and working for once.”

Before you could react, you felt a pair of hooves tightly wrap around your midsection.

“Yer a sweetheart, ya know that?” she said, looking at you with a sheepish smile.

“I have my moments,” you said, before you returned the embrace.

…?

“Hey Anon… what’s that poking into my stomach…?”

“Don’t worry, it won’t bite. Not much, at least.”

“...ya have teeth down there…?”

You were about to tell the mare how silly that would be, but you were rudely interrupted by the last thing you wanted to hear.

“Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~”

God fucking dammit.

Applejack’s eyes widened as she also picked up on this, holding you tighter out of fear.

It’d be adorable, if it wasn’t for the fact she was crushing your fucking ribcage.

You shot your head towards the source of the noise, and spotted Applejack’s crazy ex standing just a mere couple feet away from you, a crazed look in her eyes.

Well shit.

“Get off of her…” she growled.

“Go fuck yourself, you bitch ass nigga,” you responded, squeezing the mare currently crashing your ribs even tighter, “this here’s my waifu. There are many like her, but this one is mine. Get your own.”

Wordlessly, the mare slowly began to stalk towards the two of you, that crazed look in her eyes growing worse by the second.

“Applejack, let go of me,” you ordered.

“No…”

“Please?”

She shook her head.

…

Fuck.

You rose up from your seat, the orange mare still clinging onto you, and presented yourself to your challenger.

The yandere grinned as she took you in.

“So the hairless ape doesn’t want to fuck off?” she inquired, before a maniacal chuckle escaped her lips, “Don’t worry my love, when I dispose of this insolent dog we can be together! Forever~”

You felt the pair of hooves that were crushing your ribs loosen their grip and detach as AJ separated from you. The mare looked over the crazed mare just feet away from you, then glanced up to you worriedly.

“Anon, Ah-”

“Don’t about it, I got this,” you interrupted her, “I have a foolproof plan on how to stop this bitch.”

“Oh? And what is your master plan?” you heard the yandere inquire, “Let me guess... you're going to kiss her in hopes it will drive me to insanity or something, right? Hah! That only worked in Space Dandy, that won’t work in real life.”

“No, my master plan is to- wait, you watch Space Dandy?”

“Of course, who doesn’t watch Space Dandy?”

“I know, right? It’s fucking amazing.”

“It’s truly the best little girl chinese cartoon out there.”

...

“...we’re getting off topic.”

“Agreed.”

You cleared your throat. “To answer your question, no, my plan isn’t to kiss Applejack. No... that comes later.”

You began to walk towards the yandere as your cracked your knuckles. “No, my master plan is much simpler... I’m just gonna smack the shit out of your ratchet ass.”

The crazed mare scoffed. “You think that you can beat me? Bitch, I’ll rip out your fucking throat and then feast on your bones. Today, you’re going to fucking die! Do you hear me?! You’re going to fucking-”

You had enough of this bitch.

You jumped up into the air, brought your knees up to your chest, and kicked out with all your strength. Your two feet made contact with the mare’s chest, the devastating blow sending the mare flying.

She landed a dozen feet or so away from you and collapsed as she impacted the ground. She groaned in pain, clutching her chest, before she sat up and stared at you. A mix of fear and shock was displayed on her face.

“W-what the f-fuck?!” she stammered out.

You began to approach the fallen yandere. “OH YEAH! LOOK AT YOU! YOU WERE POPPIN’ ALL THAT GOOD SHIT A SECOND AGO!”

“S-stay back!” she cried as she began to back away from you.

“THEN YOU GOT KICKED IN YOUR CHEST! YOU BITCH ASS NIGGA!”

The mare clambered up to her hooves, before she began to turn tail and run.

“NOT SO FAST, NIGGA!” you shouted as you grabbed her by the tail. You pulled her up the tail into the air and held her at eye level.

“P-please don’t hurt me!” she begged, “I’ll do anything!”

“Anything?!” you bellowed.

She shook her head violently in agreement.

You stared into the mare’s frightened eyes. “Don’t you ever, ever, EVER fuck with my waifu ever again. Or I’ll come back here and slap you silly. We clear?”

“C-crystal!”

“Good,” you said as you dropped the mare. She fell on her rump, looked up at you once, before she got up to her hooves and fled for her life.

“THAT’S RIGHT, YOU BETTER RUN! BITCH ASS NIGGA!” you shouted after her.

Boy, you sure loved nigga moments.

Wait, can you even have a nigga moment with a horse when you’re white?

You shrugged off this fact, since you generally didn’t give a shit. Besides, there were more pressing matters at hand.

Seeing that the yandere was now gone, you turned around and began making your way back to Applejack.

“I don’t think she’ll be fucking with you anymore,” you stated to the orange mare.

“Yeah… but did ya have to be so rough?” she inquired with a raised brow.

“You don’t understand nigga moments, do you?”

“Nah, not really.”

“All you need to know that wouldn’t have went down any other way,” you said as you patted the mare on the head reassuringly, “Although… I suppose maybe she was bluffing and maybe kissing you might’ve worked.”

“W-what?!” she stammered out in response, her cheeks turning a rosy shade of red.

“Oh nothing~” you responded in a singsong voice, “come on, you owe me some booze.”

As you tried to coax the mare into following you, you noticed that your antics how drawn quite the crowd.

“Huh…”

You eyed the large crowd that surrounded the two of you.

“Dafuq ya’ll looking at?!” you shouted at them.

Immediately after you open your mouth, a group of Royal Guards broke through the crowd and marched towards you.

“Freeze! You’re under arrest!” the lead guard declared.

“What?! What the fuck for?!”

“Aggravated assault and disturbing the peace.”

“Oh... well fuck me sideways...” you muttered, before you were tackled by a couple of Royal Guards.

After Applejack and a few other witnesses explained the situation to the guards, you were let off with a slap on the wrist.

Fuck the police, always trying to put a nigga down.

After being brutally oppressed by THE MAN, the two of you decided to say fuck it and head to the inn Applejack made reservations at.

“Ah’m gonna go take a shower, Anon,” your companion told you as two of you entered your room.

“Aight nigga, you have fun with that.”

As she made her way into the bathroom, you fell backwards onto your room’s bed with a sigh, majorly bummed you weren’t able to drink yourself into a coma like you assumed you would’ve been able to.

Life fucking blows sometimes.

Oh well, at least you got to spend time with the booty of your dreams. Big booty always makes shit better.

You shrugged. You guessed today was an acceptable day.

You reached for your emergency flask, as you felt a major need for a drink. The night wasn’t over yet, so-

!

“WHAT THE FUCK?!”

YOUR EMERGENCY FLASK WAS GONE.

You desperately began to pat yourself down, hoping that perhaps you placed it in a different pocket other than the usual one like a fucking retard, but found nothing but a few quarters.

...why the fuck do you have quarters in your pocket?

WAIT, THAT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER BECAUSE YOUR BOOZE IS MISSING.

“OH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG!” you exclaimed, before you dived off the bed, hoping that you may have dropped the flask somewhere on the floor.

While you were crawling around on your hands and knees in a desperate attempt to find your lost booze, Applejack wandered out of the bathroom.

She spotted you crawling around on the ground, looking under basically everything that was movable for your missing item.

“Ya… uh… ya looking for somethin’ pardner?” she inquired, perplexed by what she was seeing.

You shot your head up and looked at the mare as soon as you picked up her voice.

“Why is the rum gone?” you asked her.

“Huh?”

“The rum! Why is the rum gone?!”

Applejack watched on as you went into the fetal position and began to rock back and forth, asking yourself repeatedly why the rum was gone.

“Ah don’t have any rum, but Ah got some Applejack Daniel’s if yer up to sharing,” she said.

This got your attention.

“FUCK YEAH NIGGA!” you cheered as you raced over to the mare and pulled her into tight embrace, “Homies looking after homies, that’s what it’s all about, man!”

The orange earth pony giggled at your enthusiasm and returned the embrace.

“Ah’ll go fetch the bottle from luggage, then we’ll get plastered. That cool?”

“Bitchin’.”

It wasn’t long before you lost track of how many shots you did with your bro’s big booty-toting sister. By now, the once full container of Applejack Daniels was down to only a quarter of it’s full capacity, and two of were both heavily shitfaced.

The two of you downed yet another round of shots in unison, before you slammed your shot glass

“Another!” you slurred out as you shook your shot glass in front of the mare.

Much to your dismay, however, the mare didn’t pour you another shot.

“Hey Anon… Ah have a crazy idea…”

“Is it crazier than the reason why kids like cinnamon toast crunch?” you asked in a deadpan tone.

“Huh…?”

“Nothing, continue.”

“Well… uh… heh…”

“Come on gurl, spit it out.”

She took a deep breath. “Anon, ya wanna do body shots?”

You blinked, not quite believing what you just heard.

“Could you repeat that please?”

“Ah said… do ya wanna do body shots with me?”

OH FUCK!

YOU’RE IN NIGGA! YOU’RE FUCKING IN!

2KFUCKING14 YOU MADE IT!

“I would love to do body shots with you, Applejack,” you responded calmly, despite how you felt on the inside.

“Let’s take this over to the bed, then.”

OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK-

You briefly wondered if you were a bad enough dude to tame this booty.

Of course, in your heart, you knew you were.

“Ah got some limes and salt hidden in my luggage somewhere, give me a sec would ya?”

“Yeah man, take your time.”

You jumped onto the bed as your companion made her way over to her luggage.

Turning your head to her, you began to watch as she walked.

As always, it was entertaining to watch her ass bounce and wiggle with every step she took.

It got even better when she lowered the front of her body to stick her head in her bag.

AW SHIT!

LOOK AT DAT BOOTY!

10/10

Absolute perfection.

Leaning in for a closer look, you observed Applejack’s backside like a hawk watching it's prey.

Unsurprisingly, for someone who spent basically every single day working on a farm, her butt had a lot of muscle to it. They made it look shapely as hell. You were honestly surprised at how an ass with so much muscle could still be so circular and inviting. It was something you just wanted to pry apart with your bare hands.

Those flanks were the best you’d ever seen, to bury your face in between them would be to drink from the fountain of the elder gods themselves. So round and squeezable, yet so capable of wrecking your shit; the perfect combo for a perfect booty.

All in all, if you could put her ass into words it would be something like…

YES. Just. Fucking. YES.

If she would’ve just moved her tail a little…

...No such luck.

Fuck.

Wait a second…

You remembered something from earlier as stared into the mare’s ass.

Something that you realized that wanted to do ever since you laid eyes on that glorious postier of Applejack’s.

You also suddenly remembered why you carried quarters on you at all times.

Reaching into your pocket, you fished out a trio of quarters. You picked one out of the small pile, put the others aside, and took aim.

With precision accuracy, you tossed the quarter across the room. It flew true and impacted against Applejack’s perfect derriere. The quarter bounced off her ass and, after getting some surprisingly nice air, landed a couple feet away from Applejack.

You were in awe, as broscience (the best kind of science, as regular science was for fucking nerds) just confirmed that AJ’s ass is tight as hell right in front of you.

“Anon, did ya just throw something at me?” the subject of your experiments inquired, not even bothering to dig her head out of her luggage to look at you.

“Yeah, I threw a quarter at your ass to test how tight it was. You know, for science,” you responded casually.

“Oh, alright then,” she responded.

It wasn’t long before she backed away from her luggage, a bag of lemons, a container of salt, and some premium brand tequila in her possession. Carrying said supplies in her teeth, she began to trot over to the bed you were currently lying on.

“So do you ordinarily pack shit for body shots or something when you’re out of town?” you asked out of curiosity.

She stopped dead in her tracks. “Well… uh… to be honest, Ah kinda planned for this to happen. Ah thought it’d be fun to do with ya, ya know? Heh…”

…

You suddenly felt the tightness in your pants intensify beyond what you’ve ever experienced. Hell, your pants weren’t even this tight when you laid your eyes upon Applejack’s ass for the first time.

As the great sports-poet Tony Kornheiser once said… IT’S TIME!

Applejack hopped up onto the bed and crawled next you, before she dropped what she was carrying in between the two of you.

“We can’t exactly do body shots with yer clothes on, Anon,” she mare pointed out to you.

“L-lewd.”

In two swift motions of your hands, your shirt and pants came off, leaving you in your underwear.

Wait, should you be wearing these?

...No. What would make you think that, you dipshit?

You ripped off your last piece of clothing, leaving you completely naked.

Hell yeah.

As fast as you could, you grabbed the salt, and headed to AJ’s position. It looked like she already had the lime in her mouth and ready to go. You leaned over her, and began to sprinkle the salt in a trail up the mare’s neck.

Not even bothering showing any restraint, you dove in, licking the salty powder from her coat. After that, you moved up to Applejack’s face, ready for the chunk of sour, green fruit. Lowering your face to hers, you took the lime from her mouth, intentionally letting your lips linger against hers.

Before you could get too into it, you pulled away, chewing the lime up, and downing it with a shot of tequila.

“WOO!” you cheered immediately after you swallowed, “That was fucking awesome!”

“Now it’s yer turn, sugarcube.”

Oh lawdy.

Applejack hopped off of the bed, making way for you to lie down. This was something you took little time doing, almost crushing the bed from jumping onto it. You reached over to grab a slice of the lime, but were met with thin air.

“Yo AJ, you know where the-”

You were cut off when the sour fruit was jammed in your mouth by an orange hoof.

That was pretty fucking rough.

Unf.

The farm pony remained silent as she sprinkled salt in a trail from just below the beginning of your pubic bone, up to your belly button.

OH FUCK YEAH.

A moist sensation suddenly took you off guard as AJ touched her tongue to the start of the trail, and moved up at an agonizingly slow pace. It travelled up your body, leaving a thin path of saliva in its wake.

Sweatingman.jpg

When Applejack was done with that, she moved herself up, coming eye to eye with you on the bed. After staring at you for a few seconds, Then, she leaned in, opening her mouth much wider than it needed to be. Your own mouth was covered completely as the mare stuck her tongue into your mouth, grabbing the lime and pulling it out.

The two of you separated, leaving a string of spit connecting your faces for a split second.

One thing was for certain...

Applejack was definitely into this. Perhaps even as into this as you were.

“Damn son,” you commented.

It was time to kick shit up a notch.

It appeared that Applejack had the same idea as you. You rolled off the bed, opening it up for her to take. This time though, instead of lying on her back, she laid on her side, giving off an amazing view of dat booty. You watched as the orange pony took a lime slice and slipped it in between her two ass cheeks.

Dong near maximum expansion.

Next, she grabbed the salt and put it on one of her ears, then looked at you with a sultry expression.

Who were you to deny such an offer?

Kneeling down, you looked over the mare. This time instead of placing your tongue on the salt, you put the tip of her ear in your mouth. Slowly, you moved your mouth down her ear, nibbling at it as you lapped up the salt.

You swore you heard a moan come from your partner as you did this.

All too soon, the salt was gone, but that meant you could move on to the next part. The BEST part. Still crouching by the bed, you moved down her perfect body, stopping at the booty you worshipped so much. For a while, you stared into the abyss that was Applejack’s ass, taking some time to appreciate being able to look at it so closely without repercussion.

Eventually, you couldn’t take it anymore, and you dove in, refusing to take any subtlety in your action. A low grunt was heard upon your connection.

Apparently, you weren’t the only one enjoying this.

With your face pressing in and your lips spread across the landscape, you stuck your tongue out to grab the lime, mirroring her earlier action. Thrusting out, your taster connected with something warm and soft, and it sure as hell didn’t taste like a lime.

While you were trying to contemplate what you just did, you heard Applejack let loose what almost sounded like a squeak.

The fuck? Applejack didn’t seem like a squeaker to you.

OH WELL, THIS BITCH’S SQUEAKING WAS ONLY MAKING YOUR PENIS HARDER.

You kept your tongue trailing up her moist slit before hooking it behind the lime and pulling it into your mouth. Applejack’s moans were a signal that you had done a good job.

Chewing a now slightly apple-tasting lime, you moved away from the glorious applebutt and took a shot.

It was your turn again, so the pony rolled off of the bed, allowing you access.

Once again, you hopped onto the bed, sprawled and grabbed a lime piece.

This time, you set the slice on top of your chest, flexing your PECS OF STEEL to hold it in place. A sense of pride swelled in your chest as you saw Applejack’s eyes widen as you did so. You poured salt from your belly to your chest muscles.

Bitches be mirin’.

“Come git sum!”

Unsurprisingly, AJ listened without hesitation, hopping up on the bed and pinning you down. Sloppily, she began to lick up the salt, leading up to your tightened chest. You were somewhat surprised when she buried her face in your chest and ripped the lime from your walls of steel.

With a triumphant grin, she chewed up the food, took a shot of tequila, and swallowed.

“Yer turn, Anon…”

"Kickass!"

It was getting really hot in here at this point; you were getting curious as to what was going to happen next.

The cowpony jumped to the bed, landing on her back and grabbing a lime in the process.

Wonder where she’s gonna-

Applejack moved her hooves to between her back legs. When she removed it, you could see half of the lime sticking out of her vagina.

OH FUUUUUCK-

Then, she spread the salt from her inner thigh, all the way up to her already wet cunt.

In the words of the wise Senator Ron Paul… IT’S FUCKING HAPPENING.

You hopped up to the bed, pinning her down much like she did with you earlier. Hastily, you ate the salt off of her leg, slowly but surely getting up to her pussy.

The time came quicker than you expected, and your nose bumped into the halfway protruding fruit.

You really wanted to savor this moment.

“Anon, don’t just stare at it!” she cried, growing impatient, “Eat it!”

Dammit.

Oh well, there was no way you could ever deny her request.

With all due haste, you put your mouth against her sopping marehood. The lime was only a secondary objective at this point. You sucked the lime out, chewed it, and swallowed it; all while keeping your mouth against her folds. After that pesky obstruction was out of the way, you slipped your tongue into her hot tunnel.

“A-ah!”

Something bumped against your nose, leaving a massive, wet, sticky spot. It did this repeatedly as you licked. Deciding to see what was up, you noticed your partner’s clitoris winking out of her vulva.

This was a confusing feel, but you decided to keep on trucking regardless.

You lapped up as much of Applejack’s juices as possible. Ironically, they were a great way to wash the lime and tequila down.

Soon enough, licking the inside of her wet tunnel got a bit stale, and you began to wander out to different regions. As much as it gave you conflicting feelings, you ended working towards the pony’s winking clit. After taking a quick breath to prepare yourself, you gave it a lick once it popped out.

“AAAH!”

This mare was a yeller, that’s for sure.

Not to mention, licking this thing wasn’t all bad, either.

Minutes passed as you ate out Applejack. it didn’t take too long for you to find a good pace for going at her genitals. You’d lick up, down, and inside, then linger on her clitoris.

Suddenly, your work was briefly interrupted when the strong earth mare wrapped her legs around your head, pressing you into her pelvis even harder.

This did not deter you, though. You pushed onward, determined to bring Applejack to orgasm.

As it turned out, you really didn’t have to work much longer, as her grip on your head tightened to the point of almost breaking your neck. As she did this, a massive torrent of sticky mare juice poured over your face.

“Ah… hah… Boy Anon, your fingers ain’t the only handy tool on ya…” Applejack panted out.

“Shut up bitch, I know it,” you responded casually from down under before you pulled away, wiping away at the juices covering your face.

Applejack worked her way onto her hooves, grabbing you by the arm.

“Ayy gurl, what the fu-” you began to say.

You were flipped to your back and pinned down on the bed by the surprisingly strong farm pony.

“Anon… Ah didn’t get the chance to properly thank ya for earlier…”

“NANI?!”

She lifted her body into the air, positioning her sopping wet cunt just above the tip of your penis.

It was finally happening. You were going to fuck AJ.

Long have you fantisized about this.

However, just as she was about to slam her pussy down onto your throbbing cock, she fell forward. With a heavy thump, Applejack collided with your body, unconscious.

...well fuck.

You laid there in the nude, completely shitfaced, covered in vaginal juices, and being drooled on by your bro’s lightly snoring little sister.

Honestly, it wasn’t a bad way to end the day.

Not bad at all.

“...what in the name of fuck is that smell? And why the hell do I feel so fucking sticky?”

You rubbed your eyes and attempted to sit up, but a mass on your chest prevented you from moving.

You looked to see what was holding you back and spotted Applejack sprawled out on top of you.

“Na... ni?” you asked nobody in particular in confusion.

As you spoke, Applejack stirred in her sleep. A small yawn escaped her lips as her eyes fluttered open, before she glanced up to you.

“Mornin’ sugarcube…”

You blinked as you began to absorb the situation you had found yourself in.

“Yo… did we fuck or something?”

The mare gave you an inquisitive look. “Ya don’t remember last night?”

“Hardly,” you responded, struggling to remember what happened last night through your pounding hangover, “I just remember getting shitfaced with you after we got in.”

“Oh…”

“Why?” you asked, “Did something happen last night?”

Applejack seemed to hesitate for a few moments, as if she was thinking something over in her head, before she shook her head. “Nah… nothin’. We just drank a shit-ton and passed out on each other, Ah guess.”

“Well fuck...” you said with a sigh.

Why’s it so hard for a nigga to get some? Fuck, these blue balls are bitch.

...though, for some reason, they weren't nearly as bad as they were the previous day.

Odd.

“Would ya feel better if we grabbed some waffles before we head home?”

Your eyes lit up as you flashed her a grin. “Yes, I would love some waffles right about now.”

The two of you got out of bed, checked out, and started the day off right with some motherfucking waffles, before heading back to Ponyville.

Of course, the moment you got home, you drank yourself into a coma, as usual.

Life was pretty fucking good.

It was early in the morning when you began to awaken from your drunken slumber. Your vision was flooded with a bright light, which had caused you to stir. The sunlight’s attempt to break through your closed eyes was met with a muffled grunt as you adjusted your position on your mangled bed, trying to fight the hangover that pounded at your magnificent dome. Your objective was set. The latest short term goal in your odd little life would be a simple, yet challenging task. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, was… to close those fucking blinds so you could get some more sleep.

The clock at your bedside confirmed your thoughts about the earliness of the day.

12:40 PM.

Nobody gets up that fucking early.

Oh well, the sooner you got that done, the sooner you could sleep, you decided. The muscles in your body tensed as you forced yourself to your side, your head pounding all the while. Eventually, floor met feet for the first time that day.

With a manly roar of defiance against your aching legs, you got up, and began to stumble your groggy ass over to the window. It took two straight minutes of fumbling with the damn things, but you eventually got the bastards closed, shrouding your room in the darkness you so desired. After dragging yourself back to bed, you leaned forward and set your body on a collision course with your mattress.

“GAH..! Jesus... fuck…”

You forgot about the damn hangover. Fuck it, maybe the pain would make you pass out, and you could just save this shit for later.

At least, that’s what you were hoping UNTIL THE FUCKING KNOCKING STARTED.

“God damn fucking Mormons...”

You figured they would eventually just go away, so you decided to ignore it.

One minute passed.

Then two.

Then six.

Jesus fucking Christ, these niggas were fucking persistent.

As much as you wanted to continue to ignore the knocking, the noise ended up causing your bro to stir as well.

“Anon… go get the fucking door,” Lyra muttered groggily.

“God fucking dammit...”

You couldn’t believe you were about to give in to the unwelcomed visitor at your front door.

This was really unlike you.

Then again, if you could just get up and rough this asshole up a bit, you could sleep again that much sooner.

It didn’t take you nearly as long to crawl out of bed and traverse across the treacherous land of your house. Upon arrival, you grabbed your trusty nine-iron from the pile of blunt objects stacked in the corner next to the exit of your house.

Wait…

This wouldn't do.

Putting back the golfing equipment, you brought out something that was much more effective.

The best blunt object of them all.

In one swift motion, you ripped off your underpants, letting your pride swing in the air.

Fuck. Yes.

Now THAT’S a weapon. You didn’t care if it was some bunch of filly scouts out the door, the laws here could stuff it up their ass.

Fuck da police.

“DONG EXPANSION POWERS, ACTIVATE!”

With your soldier on point, you grabbed the door handle, twisted it, and ripped the fucker open.

“I DON’T WANT ANY FUCKING SAMOAS!”

You awaited the shriek of terror from whatever unfortunate soul that had decided to knock on your door. However, the pleasing scream of shock and disgust was never heard.

“Anon, put that thing away! Behavior like this isn’t necessary!” cried a feminine voice coming from just a bit below you.

OH SHIT, THE JANITOR'S HERE TO STOP YOUR FUN! FOR FREE!

Wait a second... janitors aren't chicks...

You glanced down and spotted Twilight standing at the door with an annoyed expression.

“C’mon Sparklebutt, you know you like it!”

You wiggled your hips around for emphasis, letting your cock flail about as if you were doing the silent helicopter dick.

Bitches love the helicopter dick.

However, the purple pony reeled back in disgust, clearly appalled by your actions.

“Seriously, that’s disgusting! And stop calling me Sparklebutt!”

Deciding to lay off for a bit, you stopped your gyrating and spoke up.

“Well, excuuuse me, pr-” you didn’t even have a chance to finish before the annoyed princess stopped you.

“No, no terrible references to terrible shows, either,” Twilight said with an annoyed look on her face.

Well, somebody had a two foot long dildo stuck up their ass.

“Alright alright. What’s up?” you asked your visitor.

The mare paused, seemingly not able to look you in the eye. Obviously you knew what the problem was, but that doesn’t mean you were going to fix it. With a shit eating grin, you awaited a response.

“Nothing, huh? Why are you here then?” you inquired, still getting quite a kick out of the whole thing, “I bet you just wanted to see me naked, you perv.”

“N-no! N-nothing like that, it’s just… I uh… I can’t…” Twilight stammered as she tried to look everywhere but your body, “Anon, I came over to get you started on your lessons…”

Lessons? What did she-

Oh.

That shit.

She continued, “Today, I’m going to have you go over to speak with one of my friends. Her name is Fluttershy. I figured that maybe seeing as she was able to reform Discord, that she’d be able to help you, too.”

Wait, reform? Was this some master plan to brainwash you into becoming some mindless drone whose only job would be to fit in a politically correct society?

No way would you go through with that.

“I don’t need reforming, Sparklebutt, I’m perfect as is,” you said as you grabbed a nearby can of beer and chugged it down, finishing it off with a loud belch, “besides, I got more important things to do anyways. Like being ironic.”

“It’s either that, or I give you a ticket for public indecency. And don’t get me started on the fine for inappropriate exposure around royalty,” Twilight said with a tinge of smugness to her voice.

This bitch.

“Ugh, fine…”

You moved to leave your shitty apartment, but you were halted by a magical barrier.

“Stop right there! I’m not letting you leave your apartment without any clothes on.”

“Bitch, nobody stops me from streaking,” you declared as you struck a pose that showed off your genitals even more, “I love to feel the breeze between my knees in the morning. It's an essential part to starting my day.”

“Cry all you want, but it’s not happening, Anon.”

“Fuck, fine! It’s not fair! Why do you horses get to walk around naked and I don’t?” you demanded.

“Because we have retractable genitals and you don’t,” Twilight pointed out in a matter of factly way.

“Gross, didn’t need to know that, Sparklebutt,” you said as you began to make your way back inside.

Before you could get all the way in, you saw the two halves of your boxers begin to glow a reddish purple as they floated off the ground and began to reform before coming over in front of you. You put your hands out and caught them as the magic faded. Looking at them, you noticed that they were as good as new.

You snorted.

“Thanks.”

About a minute later, you were fully dressed and ready to do whatever dastardly plan the princess/librarian hybrid had in store for you. By the time you made your way back to the living room, you saw that Twilight had invited herself in and was sitting on one of the chairs at your kitchen table. You’d be kind of miffed, but realize you probably would have ended up letting her in at some point anyway.

“So, what’s the next step of your master plan?” you asked as you placed yourself on a seat opposite of her.

“Well, I was thinking about having you go over there and just talking to her,” she said as she went over some papers she had brought with her.

“So, this is the quiet, possibly insane one that lives by the forest, right?”

Twilight hit her face with her hoof before she responded. “Ugh… I guess you are partially correct. She is quiet, and lives near the forest, but quiet and crazy aren’t-”

“FUCKING AWESOME, I LOVE CRAZY!” you exclaimed, interrupting the mare.

This time, the alicorn slammed her head onto your table.

“Hey, watch that horn of yours, Sparklebutt. You'll take somebody's eye out with that.”

You heard Twilight’s muffled voice speak to you. “Just get out of here before I decide to just ticket you instead…”

“Go ahead and ticket me, bitch,” you said as you rose and began to make your way towards the door, “I get all my money from the government anyways.”

You arrived at the door and kicked that shit open, stepping out of the way of the exit.

“Go on, you first. Age before beauty, after all!”

An agitated grunt was your only response as the darkly colored mare makes her way past you.

“Oh, and Sparklebutt?”

She paused and looked back at you.

“Nice ass,” you stated with a smug grin.

For a moment, you swore you saw her lower eyelid twitch. Then, she just sighed, rolled her eyes and kept her pace.

The day was bright and clear as you walked the streets of Ponyville, which betrayed how you felt at that moment. Your mind still felt like it was shrouded in a haze of alcohol and bad decisions. Honestly, you would have rather been doing anything else but this. It was almost like having to do community service.

What’s it with the police always trying to put a nigga down?

Oh well, there’s much worse things than hanging out with some mare who sounds like she desperately need to get laid, like picking up trash, or scooping up horse shit.

You shrugged, deciding that you might as well get this shit over and done with. The sooner you got back to being passed out drunk in your shitty apartment, the better.

As you ranted to yourself inside of your head, you didn’t really notice yourself arriving at what looked to be a cottage covered in grass and plants. Whoever lived here clearly has never heard of property upkeep.

The place also smelt heavily of animal feces as well.

“This bitch better not be one of those crazy animal hoarding chicks...” you muttered to yourself disgusted.

This day just kept getting better and better.

You forced your way up to the front door of what you then assumed to be an oversized toilet. Raising your hand, you turned it around and used your first two knuckles to knock on the door. As you waited, you went over the possibilities of what was in store for you today. All you were really supposed to do was hang out with this Fluttershy.

Hopefully her house wouldn’t stink as bad as it smelt outside.

To your surprise, you heard the doorknob twist, and the door unlatched. A single teal eye was all you could see through the crack.

“Ayy gurl, where the big booty hoes at?”

The eye behind the door widened for a second, looking surprised at your question.

“U-um… What..?”

This bitch deaf or something?

You backed up from the door and widened your arms.

“WHERE ARE THE BIG BOOTY HOES?!”

A near inaudible squeak was your response.

“WHAT?!”

The occupant of the house seemed to shrink back a bit, even though you could hardly see her.

“I-I don’t know what y-you’re talking about…” she uttered in a quiet, high pitched voice.

“WHAT?!” you inquired once more, putting your hand up to your ear.

“I s-said I-I don’t know what you m-mean…” the mare just barely spoke.

“OKAY!”, you lowered your hand and approached the door, “Sparklebutt sent me to play male escort or something for the day.”

The door remained slightly open as you got your next response.

“Escort..? But I’m not going anywhere…”

You blinked.

This bitch serious?

“Eh… fuck it, it doesn’t matter. Sparklebutt sent me over for something to do with the magic of friendship or something else along those lines.”

The door seemed to open up a bit more, revealing more of Fluttershy’s eye.

“Oh… Twilight sent you..? She DID mention something about sending a visitor over…” said the quiet voice.

“Yeah, some advance notice would have been nice, but whatever,” you stated, still a bit pissed that you were forced into this, “so you gonna let me in, or am I gonna be standing here all day? Standing here’s killing my gains, bro.”

“Well… I’m not so-” she began to say before getting interrupted.

“Great, sounds good, bro,” you said as you grabbed the door and swung it open.

The pony let out an “eep” as you ripped the door from her grasp and walked inside. Shockingly, the smell wasn't that bad inside of the cottage, even though you could see a few bird cages and mouse holes in the walls.

You looked down at the sole member of the household, just now getting your first view of her up close. A yellow pegasus with a pink mane and butterflies on her ass.

Her ass…

This spoke to you. It required closer inspection.

You tried to get a closer look, but her body seemed to turn to face you no matter where you went.

This was definitely going to be a difficult task.

It was time to try a classic trick.

“Yo, what’s that out the window?” you inquired as you pointed your finger at one close by.

“Hm..?”

Just as you desired, the pale mare turned to look out the window that your outstretched digit was faced at.

HAHA, TIME FOR BOOTY!

You leaned in closer, taking in the full view.

Her flanks were round, and filled in at just the right places, though a bit slender altogether. Either way, they were a great shape that just begged to be squeezed.

“I don’t see anything…”

“Keep looking, I’m sure you’ll find it eventually.”

“Oh… okay…”

Another test was in order. Looking could only do so much.

“Holy fuck, is that a black widow?” you asked in mock alarment.

Quickly, you stretched out your fingers and swatted at her ass. After all your years as an expert on the booty, a quick swipe was all you needed to judge how good this booty was.

It had just enough cushion to ripple on impact, but enough firmness not to be totally fat.

Yes, this is something you could get into. This was a booty; not nearly as good as Applejack’s, of course, but something you’d love to stick your dick in nonetheless.

Humorously enough, after you slapped her, the shock of the action was enough to make her flip out.

Flip out the window, that is.

The fuck was this bitch’s deal?

You leaned out the window, investigating the scene.

“I-is… Is the spider o-okay..?”

This bitch.

You reached into your pocket, grabbing a black wad of lint and holding it out. You figured she’d be too dazed to tell the difference.

“Don’t worry, Spider Bro’s aight.”

The delirious pony looked back up at your hand with an oblivious smile.

“Oh… Thank goodness…”

After helping the frightened mare back inside and cleaning her up, you found yourself alone with her in the cottage’s living room.

You liked where this was going.

“Do you have any booze?”

“No…”

“God dammit.”

You fished your emergency flask out of your pocket and took a swig from it. “Alright, what exactly am I here for?”

“W-well, um.. I haven’t really… thought of anything yet…”

A bit of an irritated expression crossed your face.

“O-oh, but if there’s something you want to do, that would be fine, too..!”

A mischievous smile spread across your face.

“Cool,” you said as you perked up, “Fluttershy, today, I’m going to teach you the magic of broship and how to be a bro yourself. Because the magic of friendship is some gay nigga bullshit."

The pegasus looked at you inquisitively.

“Broship..?”, she spoke in a curious tone.

You reached inside of your scorpion jacket’s and produced a small book. “This is the Bro Code, the most important piece of literature ever written.”

You handed it to her, and began to recite what it contained from memory. “Broship is the bond between two or more individuals that goes beyond friendship. Broship is a spiritual bond, a kinship. Someone who is your bro is basically your sibling, as the name suggests, just without any blood relation. Get what I’m saying?”

“I… guess so…” Fluttershy responded, still taking in the information.

This might be harder than you thought.

“Here, take a drink,” you said, offering your flask to the yellow pegasus, “it will purify you of your sins.”

She leaned in a bit closer, taking a careful sniff.

“Are you sure this is okay..?” she said, backing off a bit.

“It’s more than okay! Forty proof straight vodka is a necessity for a bro’s survival,” you answered, holding the container a bit closer.

After what looked like a massive debate in the pony’s head, she took it in her front two hooves, and took a small sip.

“Come on, you lightweight! You can take more than that,” you said, tilting the flask up further to allow more booze to pour into her mouth.

She struggled for a bit, but managed to swallow what you emptied down her throat. The mare let out a few high pitched coughs, eventually calming down enough to breathe normally again.

“PRAISE THE FONZ!” you cried before you took your flask back and took a swig from it, “You feeling it now, Fluttershy?”

The mare spat a few times, trying to clear her mouth of the aftertaste. “Um… Sure..?”

“Here, drink some of this,” you willed a can of Baja Blast into existence and tossed it to the mare.

God, you loved being a Gary Stu.

Being the dirty coward she was, all she did was cover her face with her hooves as it bounced off her skull.

“...Right… Just… drink that.” you deadpanned.

The pony did as she was told, picking the metal can off of the floor, and positioning it to open it up. Grabbing the tab by her teeth, she cracked the seal, only to be assaulted by a fountain of fizzy liquid.

Seriously.

Fucking seriously.

Even though this was wearing on your patience, you still burst into laughter.

“Looks like you got something on your face, dipshit.”

You kind of expected Fluttershy to react a bit more mopey at what just happened. What you didn’t expect, though, was for her to start giggling with you.

“Hehehehe… I wasn’t expecting *HIC* that…” she slurred out.

“NOBODY EXPECTED THE SPANISH INQUISITION EITHER!” you declared.

Then it registered to you. She hiccuped.

Fucking lightweight.

Either way, IT WAS HAPPENING.

“This feels pretty good…” said the now drunken pegasus.

“FUCK YEAH BRO!”

You gave yourself a congratulatory pat on the back for corrupting this once innocent mare. Your bros would be so proud of you. What the ponies here said (well, you liked to imagine they did) was true: Nobody could resist your charm.

“Yeah… brooo…” Cheered the timid pony, her hooves slowly flailing in the air.

Unexpectedly, Fluttershy got to her hooves, swaying a little as she steadied herself. She approached you, staggering a bit. You half expected for her to fall into you, but when she was only a few inches away, she stopped. With surprising dexterity, she got up on her hind hooves, brought out her front hoof, and pressed it against your nose.

“Hehehehe… Boop!”

This bitch was gonna give you a fucking heart attack.

“Anon… Hehe, I bet you can’t find me!” She giggled out, flying away to some unknown location.

Nigga be leavin’ you here like you were nothing.

“God dammit.”

AND SO BEGAN THE HUNT FOR THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME: THE BOOTY.

You drank some more from your flask before giving chase. The last time you saw her, she was heading upstairs.

How she didn’t fall as she climbed was beyond you.

“Swiggity swooty, I’m coming for that booty!” you bellowed as you hopped up multiple stairs at a time.

Now, if you were a drunk pony, where would you hide..?

!

You quickly undid your pants and took a peek inside.

Nothing….

What a disappointment.

Where else…

After many a minute of thinking, you just decided to aimlessly wander through the house until you found the hidden booty of the animal cottage.

It felt like an eternity as you searched for your yellow acquaintance.

“FLUTTERSHYYYY, COME OUT AND PLAA-AY!”

“N-no…!”

Oooh, a fighter.

You liked that.

Plus, she had just given away her position.

With all the speed of a drunken Kenyan, you ran to where you heard her voice emanate from.

“Here I come, Butterbutt!” you yelled at the top of your lungs.

“Y-you won’t catch me!” She squeaked out.

That statement was just enough to lead you to where she was hiding. Rounding the corner of the hall, you spotted the doorway to Fluttershy’s bedroom. You stepped in, slowly looking all around. It really wasn’t a challenge to find her when you did. From under her bed you could see a plump pony ass and a pink tail sticking out.

FUCKING NICE!

Kneeling down, you put a hand on each of her flanks, and began to pull.

“O-oh my..!”

You had her right where you wanted her. The booty was yours. You pulled back, slowly exposing more and more of her body.

“YES, I’VE GOT YOU NOW!” you bellowed triumphantly.

“N-no! Lemme go..!” whined the pegasus as she squirmed around in your grip.

And then, with an unexpected amount of force, she pushed off of your chest and broke free of your grip.

“It’s your turn now, Anon!” Fluttershy slurred excitedly.

“Well shit...” you commented, before you exited the room.

The yellow mare turned around, covering her eyes. You would have started looking around for a hiding spot sooner, but you were distracted by the big ass pointing right at you.

“One… Two… Three…”

Oh fuck, she was counting.

You looked around, trying to think of a spot to hide. This place was unfamiliar to you, so you’d have to act quick to find a spot before she finished. Quickly, you stumbled down the hall and back downstairs. There weren’t many places to hide here that weren’t obvious. In fact, ALL of these places were obvious. Not much time was left. Around you was a broom closet, a crawlspace, and a bunch of other places that wouldn’t hide you for more than a few seconds.

Looks like it was going to have to be the closet. You were hoping for something so much better.

Fuck it, why do you even give a fuck?

You opened the door and stepped inside, surrounding yourself in darkness. Hopefully there weren’t any skeletons in here. You really didn’t wanna get spooked.

About a minute passed, and you were still unsure about any skeletal presence. Then, an idea came to mind.

If you wanted to avoid the skeletals, you’d have to BE the skeletal! It was time to unleash your master plan.

You are Anonymous, destroyer of cunts. Or as you like to call yourself right now, Mister "Pull a Trigga on a Nigga" Bones.

It was a really good thing you were able to will a skeleton suit onto your body. You were certain if you didn't, a skeleton would have come out of hiding and spook you.

“Aaanon… Wh-where are you..? Please, I’m kind of s-scared…” You heard a shaky voice from the other side of the door.

Ohboyohboyohboy.

Your muscles tensed as you heard Fluttershy’s hoofsteps got closer.

Dis was gon’ b gud.

Closer and closer she came, until finally, she was in front of the door. Through the space between the door and the floor, you could see her shadow; it had stopped right where you needed it to.

Without a moment to spare, you bursted out of the door, in all of your boney greatness.

“OOGABOOGABOOGA!” you yelled at the unexpecting mare.

She fell over like a fainting goat.

“YOU JUST GOT FUCKING SPOOKED, NIGGA!”

You began to dance around in your skeleton suit.

Fluttershy remained as stiff as a board.

Heh, stiff.

“Relax nigga, it was just a joke!” you claimed as you began to take the mask of your skeleton suit off of your face.

“A j-joke..? Oh.. thank goodness…” sighed Fluttershy.

The pegasus got back to her hooves, still sufficiently drunk enough to have trouble in the process.

She eyed you curiously.

“Are… are you really a skeleton, Anon?”

“No… but there’s a skeleton inside of me.”

You suddenly rushed towards Fluttershy and grabbed her, holding her up to your face. “THERE’S A SKELETON INSIDE YOU RIGHT NOW!”

She giggled in your grasp.

“Anon, that tickles..!”

That was quite a surprise, seeing as how drunk she was.

“Oh really now?”

With a near sadistic grin, you laid the small pony down on her back, and began to bury your fingers into the sides of her belly.

“Eehehehe… ehEEEHEE! S-S-STOP!”

You began to laugh along with her as you kept up your finger attack.

“No can do, bro! You’re stuck here with the twat tickler until Sparklebutt gets here!”

The entire time this was happening, you had to dodge incoming hooves to various parts of your body.

“Jeez, bitch, watch where you’re swinging those things, will ya?” you grunted, moving your lower half away from an incoming kick to the nuts.

“O-only if you let go of m-me… b-b-bitch!” Fluttershy cursed.

Oh. She done it. She done GOOFED.

“FLUTTERSHY, WE NEED TO COOK!”

You let go of her midsection, and moved down to one of her still kicking hooves.

“Cook...?” she asked, panting.

Another grin adorned your face once you got ahold of a hoof.

“Yeah… my fingers are the fire, your hoof is the beaker!”

And then you began to tickle her hoof. Fluttershy’s laughter roared up again, only much stronger. Her laughs echoed throughout the large room; something nobody around here would expect from such a quiet personality.

The pony’s normally pale yellow face was slowly getting redder as her laughs put more strain on her. To follow up the previous metaphor, she was almost literally coming to a boil.

“Nnngh… A-anon… I-I… I think I’m going….”

Fluttershy’s face got redder and redder, and her laughs began to get mixed in with moans. Beads of sweat formed on her forehead as she gritted her teeth, and finally, with one last high pitched squeal, you felt a burst of sticky hot liquid hit the hand holding her leg.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!”

THIS. FUCKING. BITCH.

“Oh no… Oh no oh nooooo…”

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK DID YOU DO?!”

“Anon, p-please! I didn’t mean to...!”

This was seriously unbelieveable. Sure, you heard of people getting off on weird things, but that was ridiculous.

“P-please... Don’t be mad…”

You weren’t mad, just surprised. But you’d be damned if you couldn’t say your hand smelled quite a bit different now.

“Fuck! You could’ve at least bought me dinner first….”

At this, Fluttershy’s terrified expression cracked. It began to change from that of horror to one that was on the verge of bursting out into laughter.

Turns out your observation was spot on, as she began to chuckle at your comment. This laughter seemed to be quite contagious, as you began to join in.

The absurdity of the whole situation was just too much to handle.

“You know, it’s funny,” you began to muse as you regained control of yourself, “Big Mac said the other day I didn’t know the first thing about foreplay with a mare, and here I am, making you cum like it’s nothing. He can eat a dick.”

“W-well…” The timid mare started. “You… y-you did do good. You found out my… um… my…”

You looked at her in confusion.

“Spit it out. Your what?”

Her cheeks returned to the red that they were when you were tickling her.

“You found... my fetish… and you didn’t even know...”

“FUCK YEAH- wait, what?”

The only response you got was a nod.

“Cool. That’s really fucking cool, man. Victory drink?” you inquired, pulling out your flask.

The two of you sat up, deciding to sit on the floor.

You took the first drink, then handed it over to Fluttershy, who was much less hesitant to grab the flask this time around.

The next few minutes were spent just making small talk as you both drank from what seemed to be a bottomless container of booze.

It was robably just the magic of Broship at work.

“Anon, I came to check on- what’s that smell?”

“Oh, sup, Sparklebutt?” you asked, propping yourself up against Fluttershy as you noticed the purple alicorn enter the cottage

“Hello Twilight,” the yellow mare greeted on cue.

There the two of you sat, drinking alcohol while sitting in a puddle of mare juice. You were still a skeleton from the neck down, and Fluttershy was drunk off of her ass.

Any sane being to walk into the room would most likely have a mental breakdown trying to figure out just what the fuck was going on.

And yes, Twilight was right. There was one hell of a smell. You had no idea how you would explain that her friend just so happened to have a tickling fetish, and you just so happened to invoke it.

So you said what any person would say.

“What’s really good, bitch?” you inquired.

Nailed it.

The look on the purple alicorn’s face was priceless.

“Y-y-y-you… did you just… I can’t… WHAT?!”

“Bitch, did I stutter? What’s real fucking good?” you asked once again.

“Yeah bitch…” Fluttershy slurred out, “stop being so rude and answer the man.”

“See, you’re getting it. Congratulations,” You congratulated the yellow pegasus with a hand in the air, and Fluttershy reciprocated with a few vague waves of her hoof. You figured that was good enough, and turned back to the venting pony at the door.

Twilight’s eyelid started to twitch as her mouth hung agape.

“Anon, what did you DO?! I mean, look at this! Fluttershy is drinking, you’re dressed in some bone suit, and I’m almost certain that’s vaginal secretions you’re both sitting in!”

“Yeah, and?” the two of you asked in unison.

“I can’t believe this… I leave you alone for one hour, ONE HOUR, and you manage to completely corrupt my friend! Do you not know what the magic of friendship is? You know what? Don’t answer that. I’m sure you don’t…” Twilight fumed.

“What’s all this about the ‘magic of friendship’, man? That's fucking gay, bro, it’s all about the magic of broship.”

“Broship… oh no, Fluttershy, don’t tell me he’s brainwashed you with this gunk, too…”

Brainwash? That’s just downright offensive.

“Not at all, Twilight… Anon is great! He’s a real bro.”

“You can’t be serious. You must be playing some kind of joke, right?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “I'm telling you, Anon’s cool, Twilight.”

You took two of your fingers and ran them through the fluid on the floor.

“Here, you wanna test and see for yourself?” you said as you held your hand out, “Use your fancy lab equipment and tell me this ain’t real!”

A single sniff was all she needed to push her over the edge. Her eyes rolling into the back of her head, Twilight promptly fell to the ground with a thud, unconscious.

Bitchin'.

“Yo Fluttershy, hand me that marker over there, will ya?”

She nodded, and walked over to the table that the permanent marker you pointed out was lying on. After grabbing it, she tossed it to you.

You uncapped the writing utensil and walked over to Sparklebutt. Thirty seconds later, she had a crudely drawn ballsack just under her horn.

“There, now you really ARE a dickhead!”

Fluttershy began to laugh hysterically at this.

Joining along with her in the fun, you spoke up, “Hey, you wanna have a go at this?”

She nodded enthusiastically with a big grin, so you tossed her the marker.

Today was gonna be a good day.

Twilight awoke in her bed with a start, breathing heavily.

She didn’t remember falling asleep in her bed at all. Looking around, she saw that nothing was out of the ordinary.

Maybe she just passed out while doing research again.

“So, maybe that was all just a bad dream…” she said to herself, slightly relieved.

Resigning herself to the possibility, she eased out of bed, heading to her mirror to brush down the bedhead she was sure she had by now. Arriving at the vanity, she used her magic to pick up her hairbrush, only to drop it in complete shock.

“What in the..!” exclaimed Twilight.

On her face was a number of black marks, all in one recurring shape.

Horse cocks.

Absolutely fucking everywhere.

“B-but how..?”

Memories of her “nightmare” flashed back through her head. The mare’s muscles tightened as anger built up within her.

“ANOOON!!”

You began to leave your shitty apartment when you suddenly got a massive erection.

“Heh, looks like someone’s thinking about me.”

“OH YEAH, I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE!” you declared to the world as you moonwalked blindly through the streets with your hands shoved down your pants, keeping your junk company, “WOAH OH!”

You had no clue where you were going. One moment you were enjoying a hearty breakfast of beer and Captain Crunch, and the next moment something deep inside you told you to moonwalk in a random direction.

Figuring this was the Fonz trying to lead you to a reward for your faithfulness to your bros, you decided to listen to your gut and start moonwalking.

“Anon?!” you heard a voice exclaim in shock from behind.

You turned around and noticed Sparklebutt grinning at you.

“Good, you’re right on time!” the princess said as she beamed at you, “Let’s get your friendship lesson started!”

“Shit.”

In your insane quest for what you assumed would be some top-tier booty, you had somehow ended up wandering into Twilight’s castle, and much to your usual shitty luck, you just happened to wander in when she had planned on the two of you meeting to discuss “feelings.”

You briefly wondered why the Fonz had forsaken you, but you put aside those thoughts, realizing you desperately needed to get out of this situation.

“Look, Sparklebutt, I appreciate the effort you’re giving here but I was kind of in the middle of something.”

“What do you mean?” Twilight asked with a slight smile on her face. “You arrived right on time for your appointment. I was pretty much convinced I would have to come and track you down to even get you near my place.” She waved a hoof to you and turned.

“What appointment?” you said as you followed her. Looking around, you admired all the trappings of the Princess’s castle. A little homo for your tastes, but you’d let it slide in the meantime. You raised an eyebrow as your eye caught the mare’s big bodacious booty bouncing bountifully before you. Just a little heft on top with a gradual taper through her thighs; the way she held up her tail seemed like it drew your eye in. Her tail bounced along, swishing lightly upon the inside of her thighs; that was just the cherry on top.

UNF

“Your friendship appointment, Anon.”

“Huh?”

“You made it, like, the second day you arrived here. It’s court appointed.”

“Cops trying to keep a nigga down, just because he’s brown!” you cried as you jumped onto a nearby couch.

Holy shit.

This is one comfy ass couch.

“Anon, you’re not remotely a shade of brown.”

“Check your privilege, shitlord!” you cried, trying to stifle a stupid giggle. Twilight just eyed you dangerously as she prepared her materials with the help of some magic.

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.” With a small nod, she magicked over a pair of glasses and tied her hair up in a tight bun.

You appreciated the mare’s new look with an abrupt tightening of your pants.

“U-unf” you said under your breath.

“What’s that, Anon?” Twilight said as she glanced at your over her glasses.

“Nothing,” you replied as you shifted your lower body deeper into the couch. “So, what am I supposed to be doing here?”

“The purpose of these appointments is to help ease your transition into life here in Equestria and supplement your friendship abilities.”

“That shit sounds like it came straight out of a book. Can you just give me a pamphlet or something and send me on my way?” You rolled your eyes. “I promise to make friends and shit.”

Twilight gritted her teeth and took a deep breath.

“No, Anon, it’s a little more complex than that. Unfortunately.”

“You say that like you don’t like being in my company.” You feigned a tone of mock hurt as you stared up at the ceiling. “Hey, you got anything to drink around here?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. And we’ll worry about refreshments later. Now, shall we get started?”

At this, you reached for your emergency flask, but found your pocket empty.

Fuck. This was going to be a long day.

“Yeah, sure. Whatever. Go ahead, bro.”

Clearing her throat, Twilight continued on.

“From what I’ve seen from your behavior, you seem to have difficulty taking into account others’ feelings in regards to your actions.”

“What? Fuck that shit, nigga. I care deeply for all my bros and treat them all like family. You’re just mad because I don’t go to your gay ass friendship sessions.”

“I rest my case. And I will bring up that time you drew, erm… Phallic symbols all over my body. In magical marker. Do you know how long it took me scrubbing to get that out of my fur, Anon?”

“Woah baby. I thought this session was about me, not you.”

“I was just giving an example. And I know you’re probably close with your ‘bros,’ but friendship extends past just people who are close to you.”

“Nigga whatchu talkin’ about? A bro doesn’t have to be someone who is close to you. Broship is a spiritual kinship. Me and my bros are as close as family, if not closer. You just wouldn’t understand because you have a giant black dildo stuck up your ass.”

“I do NOT! Anon, what the heck is wrong with you!?” Twilight shouted, her face burning red hot- from anger or embarrassment, you couldn’t tell. “Why do you have to say such stupid things?”

“Easy now, Sparklebutt,” you began, sitting up and throwing up your hand defensively, “you’re getting a little vulgar.”

“NO! I won’t calm down or chill out or whatever! I’m sick of you messing around with me and treating me like some kind of piece of meat to make fun of! It’s not funny, Anon.” As you looked over at her, her lip began to quiver before she gritted her teeth tightly. “The only thing you’ve done to me since you’ve been here is mock me in one way or the other. And I HATE it when you call me SPARKLEBUTT!”

She was on her hooves now, her hair falling in strands out of her bun and her teeth bared as her face burned bright red. With a small shift in your seat, you adjusted the fear boner that was amassing in your drawers.

You simply stared at the angered alicorn with a neutral expression, silent.

Several awkward minutes passed by before she finally opened her mouth.

‘Well!?” She shouted, breaking the silence.

You maintained your neutral expression, as you leaned forward and looked the princess straight in the eyes.

“Why do you hate me?” you inquired, your voice deadpan.

This threw the pony for a complete loop. Her jaw slackened slightly, and her stance went on the defensive.

“W-what do you mean?” She cocked an eyebrow high on her face at you, slightly skeptic.

“I meant what I asked, Sparklebutt. Why do you hate me?”

“What did I just say--!?”

“--It’s like, you force me into this shit using the fucking law, and then you just start yelling at me for no reason. I’m treating you like I would any bro, but instead of taking my words as words of endearment, you shrug them off and start treating me like shit. What’s your issue, dude?”

“I’m just… I’m just tired of the harsh words.” Twilight sat back in her seat, and took a large breath. “Where I come from, words of endearment are nice ones. You’re not supposed to insult people you care about.”

“That’s the point of broship, man. You’re supposed to insult the other person. Not because you dislike them, just because you know each other well enough for you to know it isn’t serious.”

“Well then you need to understand when you’re close enough to someone to do that with them. I barely know you, Anon, you need to be a little more, er..”

“Intimate?” you asked, moving your hand towards your crotch region. Twilight’s face blushed immediately.

“Yes. I mean, no, Anon, you know what I meant.”

“Fine. But you know what? You need to chill out. And I’m being serious,” you stated as Twilight began to open her mouth. “You freak out over every little thing. It’s extremely un-bro, nigga.”

Twilight paused, her mouth opening and closing a few times, trying to get out whatever was rolling around in her head.

“Fine. I’ll admit I can get a little uptight about things. But what did you have in mind?”

“A trade.”

“What trade?”

“Well, you want to teach me the ways of ‘friendship,’” you responded with air quotes, “and you clearly need to chill out. So how about this? You do your thing, and afterwards I teach you the magic of broship. That way everyone wins, I guess.”

“Hmm,” Twilight thought to herself, rubbing her chin with a hoof. “I suppose that works. Fine. It’s a deal.”

“Aw fuck yes. Let’s have a drink to celebrate!” You cried, hopping out of your chair.

“I don’t drink, Anon.”

"Yeah..." you flashed the mare a smirk, "that's subject to change."

After a handful of standard questions, you were starting to get bored. After Twilight finished yet another, you decided to speak your mind.

“Ugh can we move on from the boring questions? You sound like my old therapist.”

Twilight stopped abruptly and looked over her clipboard at you.

“Your old therapist? From where you came from?”

“Uh, yeah. The details are a little fuzzy, but I know I used to see a therapist back then. I can’t really remember exactly why, though.”

“Mhm, mhmm,” Twilight said as she scribbled furiously on her clipboard.

“You’re not nearly as gay as my old therapist, bro, I’ll give you that. Plus you got a nice ass, that always counts.”

“Anon. With the comments,” Twilight said sternly, but the slight blush on her face betrayed her private pleasure at your comment.

“Sorry bro, but your ass is really nice. I thought we were supposed to be honest in these sessions. We were in my last therapy session. All the female therapist’s I’ve had were hot. It’s weird bruh. I wish I could’ve fucked each and every one of them.”

“We’re getting off topic.” Twilight said flatly.

“Are we though? I thought I was supposed to speak my mind here.”

Twilight smirked at you.

“This isn’t a free association, we’re just trying to work on your friendship skills. Not your… copulation interests.”

“My what?”

“Copulation. Sex, anon.”

“Oh yeah. Sex is cool,” you said with a small chuckle at Twilight’s frustrated fidgeting.

“Right. So, is there anything you can tell me about what you remember before you got here? Anything at all?”

“Uhhh,” you went on, scratching your head.

You weren’t sure if it was the lack of booze in your system, but the time you spent before you arrived in Equestria was incredibly hazy. As you thought back into your past, you honestly found it difficult to recall what you did before you got here, or even why you ended up here.

“One thing I remember about my therapy sessions was I didn’t go there by my own choice.”

“Yeah, I can see that. You have an issue with authority, obviously. And schedules.”

“No, its not that, I knew you would just be boring.” You hollered and put your hand up to high-five the pony, but she didn’t budge. Smirking, you reclined back. “But seriously though, this was different. I remember there being some urgency in seeing these therapists. And something pushed me to go, something more than some lame ass court order. I think it was me, actually.” You felt your mind click, but a lot was still unclear. “I went because I knew it was good for me. It was right for me.”

Twilight was silent, save for a scribbling on parchment and the faint sparkle of magic.

You stared at the ceiling a few moments more, your mind wandering. Since you had been here, life had been way too much fun to even stop and think about how you had gotten here. What was the point of caring where you came from when where you were was perfect?

“Anon?” came a voice from somewhere in your dreaming.

“Huh?” you said lightly.

“You’ve been quiet for almost ten minutes. What are you thinking about?”

You sat for a moment and pondered what was really floating about your mind.

The answer was obvious, of course.

“The booty, baby,” you said as a wide grin split across your face.

You heard a rustle as Twilight changed her seating and pulled out fresh notes.

“Seriously.”

You scratched your chin as you pondered her question. “I uh... I really can’t remember. Honestly. It’s really fuzzy.”

You clutched at your head, a small flicker of concern in your gut, but it dissolved quickly as Twilight spoke up.

"It's weird, Sparklebutt," you grinned as you caught her frown at the uttering of her pet name, "I can't remember much of anything. Just very basic things like likes, dislikes, and my name, as well as vague memories of things, such as seeing a therapist."

You heard the sound of pen hitting paper as you went on. "...but I can't remember anything else. I can't remember any friends... any family... any bros... nothing. I'm sure my past life was pleasant enough... but I just can't remember much of anything, dude..."

Feels bad man.

“Don't worry about it, Anon. We’ll get it out of you in good time.”

With a wink at you, Twilight cracked a small smile as she glanced over her glasses.

You felt your pants tighten and mood lighten in response to her look.

“I think that’s a good start for now, Anon.” With a sparkle of magic, Twilight set her clipboard, papers, and glasses on the desk beside her chair. Another tug of magic undid the bun on her head and her hair fell freely and spilled down onto her shoulders.

Oh, fuck. That was your fetish.

“What?”

Oh shit, you just said that out loud. Deciding to roll with it, you shrugged.

“I like when girls let their hair down. Sue me, Sparklebutt.”

Twilight started up for a split second, but with a breath, sat back into her chair and looked calmly at you.

“So-"

"You know what?" you interupted the mare, "I take that back. You still look hot as fuck now, but God damn did that other look get my cock going."

The mare blinked, giving you a look that expressed... well, you weren't too sure, to be honest.

"Don't take it the wrong way, Sparklebutt, it was just-"

"No, it's fine," she said, bringing up a hoof to silence you, "So, what would you like to do for your friendship lesson, Anon?”

“Broship. Broship lesson,” you corrected.

“Broship lesson,” Twilight corrected herself. “So what would you like to do?”

“We’re going to get turnt the fuck up, bro.”

“Aww yiss,” came a voice from down the hall. You looked up over the edge of the couch you were lounged in and spotted the source of the voice.

“So, can I join you guys for some fun?” the tiny purple dinosaur asked as he plodded into the room.

“Aw hell yeah lil purple homie. You seem cool. You’re in.”

“Great!” he exclaimed joyously, his eyes lighting up. “Uh, what is getting turnt up again?” he asked, looking towards Twilight.

“WELL, YOU SEE LITTLE BOY, GETTING TURNT THE FUCK UP IS WHEN YOU-”

“Anon! Spike’s just a baby dragon! Watch your mouth around him. And no, he cannot come to some dirty bar with us. He has a bedtime.”

All you could do was groan aloud.

“Fine! Sorry lil purple homie, your big purple momma thinks you’re a lil purple bitch. But let it go down in the record that I, for one, supported you getting utterly wasted with us.” You put your hand over your heart and looked him deep in the eye. “Bros for life.”

“Fine,” Spike said, his demeanor souring and his attitude darkening. He kicked at the upturned corner of a nearby rug. “I guess I’ll just go be miserable and lonely, like always,” and he plodded away.

“CRAWLING IN MY SKIN,” you shouted after the dragon. “THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEAL.” Your singing broke down into retarded laughter and you caught your breath. Twilight just glared darkly at you.

“Be nice,” she said flatly.

“I’m just messing around. Be cool, miss pretty princess. Can we go now? I’m dying for a drink in my hand. The thirst is real, nigga.”

“So where’re we going?” Twilight asked as you both sauntered down the late-day Ponyville street.

Well, she was sauntering. You were more or less boogying down the road with the beat of Smooth Criminal in your head.

“This new bar in Canterlot. It opened about a week ago, I’ve heard good shit about it. Cheap drinks, too.”

“Oh, yes. Fantastic, just the thing for me.” Twilight rolled her eyes.

“You don’t gotta be such a buzzkill, lady. If you must know, it was apparently designed by some fancy builder. Piero or some shit.” You flicked the pony on her nose and cracked a smile.

“Well Anon, I’m surprised you even know the name!” Twilight grinned, despite the way she itched at the spot where you flicked her.

You shrugged.

“I just heard the name when I was looking up places to party on the ponynet. Sue me.”

“Well, regardless, Piero is a brilliant architect. Okay, now I’m excited to go visit this place.”

“That’s the spirit, Sparklebutt.” And before she could open her mouth to object, you slapped her square on the ass. She let out a loud yelp and blushed profusely as her wings ruffled rapidly.

You raised an eyebrow at the pony.

“You like that, huh?” A dark look passed across your face.

“N-no. It just caught me by surprise is all.” She moaned aloud once more as your hand found home. “St-stop it!”

“Oh, this is great. HEY EVERYONE,” you shouted aloud into the street. Several ponies turned towards you, a handful more ignored you; they knew better. “Princess Twilight Sparkle LIKES TO GET SPANKED!” you announced unabashedly into the public street.

Several colts snickered and a few mares gasped. You were chuckling to yourself, but your enjoyment was quickly removed as you turned around and watched as a hoof came colliding at supersonic speed towards your crotch.

“OOF,” you groaned as the princess hoofed you straight in the balls. “Low blow…. bro…” you managed through heavy pants. You grabbed at your sack as the wailing pain of a million souls echoed from your groin.

“We’re even now… bro.” She said as she cracked a smile at your suffering. All you could do was give a thumbs up at the pony as the world spun around in genital agony.

“Holy shit! There’s chicks everywhere here!” The ebbing pain in your balls seemed to vanish as you stepped inside and beheld the scene before you. The Canterlot bar seemed to have more of a nightclub feeling than just a place to get a drink, and the pulsating lights and deep techno beat added to this idea. The design of the building was pretty homo by your tastes, but as you scanned the sweeping architecture and jutting pillars, your eyes fell on the crown jewel.

“Aww yiss. Time for a drink.” Rubbing your hands together, you bounced over to the bar, admiring the booty that danced and walked around you. This place was great. As far as you could tell, the majority of the crowd was female, and all the dudes around here were hanging out amongst themselves in groups of four or five. As you walked up to the bar, you flagged down the bartender.

“So what’ll it be for you, hot stuff?” the stallion said with a heavy lisp. You recoiled a little, but kept your cool.

“Just a beer mac. Nothing fancy.”

“Oh but, fancy is just what I do. Could I maybe persuade you to take a look-see at the specialty drink menu? I’m sure there’s something I could make for you that you’d love, prince charming.”

“Nah bro. Just a beer, thanks.”

The stallion pouted at you.

“Oh come now. At least give it a once-over. For me, dear?”

“Fine,” you said, rolling your eyes. With a gleeful smile, the stallion magicked over a sequin-covered menu and left you with a wink. Rolling your eyes once more, you scanned the drinks and snickered as you went down the list.

“Jesus, these drinks all sound gay as hell,” you said aloud.

“I wouldn’t be using slurs around here, Anon,” Twilight said, as she pushed her way through the crowd up to you.

As you you finished chuckling at the “Super Duper Celestia Sunrise,” you looked up to ask why, but Twilight had already disappeared into the crowd. Whatever.

“So, has anything tickled your fancy, big guy?” the stallion said through a smile as he walked over to you.

“Sure. I’ll take a... ugh… Luna-Luna Moonshine.” You slapped the menu down on the counter and the stallion took it with a knowing nod, and turned about to mix up your drink. As you waited, you tapped your foot to the beat, and actually started feeling pretty good. There were a ton of mares dancing around, and a lot of them seemed pretty slutty. As if to confirm your suspicions, you spotted with an intense interest as two particularly good-looking mares began to kiss, hot and heavy. You cheered along with the rest of the crowd around the bar.

“Damn dude, this bar is great! You’ve got a ton of hot mares here!” you shouted to the bartender over the music as he handed you your drink.

The bartender started to snicker, and then as he looked you over, he laughed aloud.

“Oh, sweetheart…” Without another word, the unicorn left you alone with your drink. You shouted again with the crowd, swept up in the energy of the bar.

Once you had downed your moonshine (albeit the immense amount of sugar and blue food coloring it contained), you were feeling a strong buzz, and with it, an even stronger urge to dance your ass off.

As you enacted your sacred mating ritual, you scanned the crowd for a potential partner, which was pretty easy, since you had a good two feet on most of the ponies on the floor.

Fucking manlets, they'll never learn.

The moment you had your target in sight, you closed in for the kill.

Light blue fur and long, blonde curls was your first conquest. As you boogied your way up to her, you smiled.

“I’m gonna go ahead and dance here. If you want to pretend we’re dancing together, that’s cool with me.”

Your line was met with an incredibly dark look, however, and the mare promptly made her way across the dance floor opposite to where you were.

“Well, fuck my tits and call me Nancy. Wonder what was up her asshole.”

Never one to be dissuaded by a particularly bitchy female, you kept up the groove, and sauntered your way over two mares who seemed to be chatting a little as they danced.

“Ladies! Having a good time?” you said, smiling at the pair. “Can I interest either of you in a drink?” One mare, the taller and thicker of the two, grimaced at you. The other, smaller and thinner, smiled kindly.

“Sure, I’d love a drink.”

“Amelia!” The bigger mare said gruffly, nudging the smaller mare with an elbow.

“Er, we really need to go. But thank you for the offer, dear.” And with that, the pair walked off the dance floor and disappeared into the dark booths that lay on the other end of the club.

“Well what the fuck?” You were in disbelief. Was every mare here queen bitch? Deciding to say fuck it, you made your way back to the bar. A group of chattering stallion stood around, and the giggling intensified as you sat down at the counter. You felt a tap on your shoulder, and looked over.

A very buff stallion, his mane shaved short and with the tips dyed bright pink, smiled at you.

“Hey, can I get you a drink?”

“Aw, hell yeah bro. Thanks.”

Things were looking up for a nigga.

After the stallion handed you your drink, you took a sip, and couldn’t help but mire his definition.

“Lookin natty, bro. You work out?”

The pony blushed at the compliment. “Uh, yeah. You could call me a gym nut.”

“You browse /fit/ at all?”

“Do I what what?”

“N-nothing, nevermind,” you said, hiding your power level as you took another drink. It was sugary as hell, but the crisp bite at the end told you that it would get you fucked up just as well enough.

“So, are you from around here?” The stallion hopped up on the barstool next to you.

“Nah man, not from Canterlot. I live down in Ponyville.”

“Oh, how adorable!” the stallion said, thoroughly delighted. You raised an eyebrow as you sipped at your drink, but the flush of vodka in your system washed that weird doubt away.

“So what do you think about this bar? Looking around, I’m surprised there aren’t more dudes in this place, you know?”

The stallion sighed into his drink.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s so hard to meet good stallions around here.”

“Right? Like where can a bro get a bro to bro down with around here, knowhatimsayin’?”

The stallion laughed at you.

“I like you, man. What’s your name?”

“Anonymous, but you can me Anon, bro,” you put your hand out, and the stallion took it.

“Grey Lakes. Friends call me Grey. Or Gay.” The stallion chuckled at his joke.

“Right. Nice to meet you, Gary.”

“Oh, the pleasure is all mine, sir. So are you here all alone, or…?”

“Oh, nah. I came with this purple hoe. Hey, here she is now. Sup, hoe?”

Twilight was unfazed by your insult, though, her eyes wide and dazzling in the light of the dance lights.

“The architecture here is incredible!”

Grey spat out his drink as Twilight walked up.

“You’re friends with the princess!?” he gasped. You shrugged off his astonishment.

“Yeah, she’s ok I guess. Princess of butthurt, more like.” You laughed at your joke, and at Twilight’s sour expression. “Oh lighten up. Let me get you a drink, yeah? Did you know they have a drink named after you?”

“Really? What is it?”

“The Sultry Spanker” You glared at her with a shiteating grin. You quickly got rid of it, though, as she raised a hoof menacingly. Putting your hands up, you quickly corrected yourself. “It’s called the Purple Princess Twist. Go ahead, try it. It’s on me.”

“Thanks. You know I don’t drink, though.” You rolled your eyes as Grey tsked loudly.

“Honey, that is horse shit. Why are you at a bar then?”

“Because Anon dragged me here, and I only went along with it because Piero designed the architecture for this place.”

“All I hear are excuses.” Grey said flatly, sipping his drink.

“Come on, dude. Its a drink named after you. And its free. You gotta at least try it.”

“I don’t know…”

“Would you do it if I offered to spank you?” The pony glared darkly at you once more.

“Anon’s teasing aside, you should try it. Life’s too short to not have fun, miss.” Without a reply, Grey turned around and asked the bartender for the drink. Just as quickly, the stallion had it whipped up and brought it over. Taking it in his hoof, Grey offered it to the princess. “I’ve never bought a princess a drink. Indulge me?”

“Do it you fucking pussy,” you prompted.

“Fine,” Twilight took the drink in her magic and took a little sip. “Hmm... fruity, with a tang of citrus. I can't even taste the alcohol, really, it’s--”

Before the mare could finish, you had shoved the glass back onto her lips, and she drank it down, eyes wide. Once the glass stood empty, you let up and cheered as the mare coughed and sputtered.

“Anon-! You little-!”

“Shh. Bartender! A round of vodka shots for my friends here!” Once the glasses were placed in front of you, you took yours and Twilights, and shoved one into her hoof. “Drink this.”

“What is-?”

“DRINK, PUSSY.”

Four shots and two magic bombs later, you had lounged yourself halfway across the bar, feeling blissfully numb. Twilight had broken off from the group, quoting only a “desire to get dancin’” as her reasoning. Grey sat next to you, a dumb smile on his face.

“Hey, Anon?”

“Yeah bro?”

“You uh, wanna get outta here, maybe go somewhere more private?”

“Uh. Nah dude, I’m good.” The stallion frowned into his drink.

“Anon, I want you.”

“Sup?”

“I want you, Anon.” The stallion put a hoof down, and slid it down your leg. In your drunken stupor, it took you a moment to figure out what the hell was going on.

“Woah bro,” you said, smacking his hoof away lazily, “I didn’t hear you say no homo.”

“Come on honey. I’ve never had a human dick in me before. Why don’t you fulfill my curiosity?”

You laughed stupidly, still not entirely aware that you were being heavily hit on by a drunk, gay stallion who was twice your weight.

“Nah bro, I don’t think so. I like a da pussy too much.”

Grey began to turn red, and slowly got angry.

“Then what the hell are you doing here if you’re not gay?”

“Huh?”

“This is a gay bar, you dumb ape.” Grey’s anger began boiling up, and he put his drink down firmly on the counter. “Why dont you take a fucking hint before you go around fucking up other pony’s nights?”

“Woah bro, I’m sorry,” you said, throwing your hands up. “I just came here to have a good time. There’s no gay scanner thingy you have to pass to get in the door, it's open to everyone. Its not like I led you on, either. You better fucking check yourself before you wreck yourself, bro.”

Grey just flared up more, grinding his teeth, but his anger seemed to boil over and sputter out.

“Er… Yeah. I’m sorry, Anon. You’re right, I was... being an asshole about it. Heh, guess I was just embarrassed I was so forward about my feelings towards you. Alcohol will do that to you…”

“We dont judge in the bro club, bro. You’re aight, even if you do like dick in your butt.”

“Right. Thanks, for being cool with it. I apologize, again.”

“S’all good, homey.” Your fistbump was interrupted as you heard gasps and shouts from the dance floor, though. “The fuck?”

Like the parting of the red sea, you witnessed as a load of mares backed up from a single dancer in shock and horror. As you looked up over the crowd, you watched the princess of spankings herself tear it up on the dance floor. Wings flapping, arms flailing, and tongue wagging, she played the part of a clinical seizure patient quite well.

“Uh, she always that good of a dancer?” Grey asked you.

“No idea. I’m sure the five or so shots didn’t help.”

“...You should probably go save her. Everypony is looking pretty pissed.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” And so, with drink in hand, you marched over to the flailing horse and made your best attempt to help your bro out.

“Yooooo. Twilight… Y’all right?” You sipped your drink nonchalantly.

Twilight might as well have been on the planet Uranus, as she continued her insane gyrations.

Heheh, anus.

“AYO, SPARKLEBUTT.”

“Ohhh heyyy Anon. You wanna… dance with... me?” Twilight hiccupped, her hair a mess in her face.

“Nah brah, I’m good. All these horses only like bumping bagels anyways, so I won’t even bother. Let’s take off, yeah?”

“B-but, the architecture, Anon-!” Twilight called as you dragged her away by the hoof. You saluted the mares around you lazily, your drink in hand. Dragging the half-limp, half-failing princess behind you, you made your way to the bathrooms to take a monster piss before you took off.

“Oh… Oh, Anon, you’re really strong.” Twilight murmured behind you. You glanced back at her as she ceased her resistance. Her eyes were glazed over, but they were unmistakably staring you down with a very carnal desire.

“Yeah, I lift, so what.” You were in dire need of a pisser, though. Marching up to the bathrooms, you threw Twilight into the mare’s room. “Go piss, I know you need to, and I don’t want to hear it on the way home.”

Ignoring Twilight’s whining, you hopped in the stallion’s room to take a leak of your own. As you let your flow go, you were pretty sure you heard moaning in the stall next to you. As if to confirm your suspicion, the wall of the next stall rattled and you heard the sound of two stallions grunting loudly.

There was also a hole in between you and the stall to your-

...a fully erect horse cock just poked through it.

That’s ok, you didn't need to piss that bad anyways.

Zipping up, you took off out of the bathrooms and stumbled into the dimly lit hallway when the door to the mare’s room opened. You expected Twilight, but what came out was even more of a wonder.

“Hey asshole!” you shouted at the mare. With a look of surprise, the pony lifted the glasses off her face and placed them on top of her horn.

“Oh, hey, Anon! Whats up dude!” Vinyl Scratch put out a hoof to bump, but you merely crossed your arms. “So uh, what are you doing here?” she said, taken slightly aback. “I didn’t know you liked dick. Heh heh.”

“I just came here to drink. What are you doing here?”

“Well, I just finished a set. I entertain here. Plus…” she said, eyeing a particularly well-endowed mare as she sauntered into the bathroom, “this place has great tail. For those nights when I feel like parting the velvet curtain. Knowhattamean?” She nudged you with a mischievous grin on her face.

“Yeah. Hey, look, I don't mean to be an asshole, but that date you set me and Big Mac up on-”

“Oh hey how’d that go? I haven’t heard from Octavia since then. You two give her a good dicking, make her forget how to write, eh, Anon?” Her eyebrows jumped up and down on her face.

“No, dude. She beat us unconscious with a fucking two by four, tied us up, and assaulted us with a chainsaw. That bitch is fucked up beyond all belief.”

“Holy shit, now that’s kinky. She outdid herself this time!”

“I’m being serious dude. She was trying to murder us.”

“Oh… OH. Oh, shit! I’m sorry man. Uh, I knew she was a little squirrely but I had no idea she was like, homicidal. I’m really sorry dude.” The pony’s look matched the weight in her voice.

“It’s okay, I got to chase her around with my dick. Made the entire experience worth it, to me at least. Constant nightmare and flashbacks aside.”

“Well, if I asked you to chase me around with your dick, would you believe me if I told you there would be no chainsaws involved?” She cocked an eyebrow as she bit subconsciously at her lip. “Just a lot of baby oil.”

“I don’t know if I’m inclined to believe you.”

“Well then, you dumb ape, why don’t you come back to my hotel and we’ll see if I’m telling the truth?” With that, she turned about and walked down the hall, her flanks bouncing as she whipped her tail at you.

By the mercy of the gods of Valhalla, your pants withheld the immense maelstrom of sexual tension that flowed underneath them.

“Uh, uhh, yeah.” You started after her, but remembered you had a drunk princess you were supposed to be taking care of. “Hold on, I have a friend I’m waiting on. She’s in the bathroom still I think.”

“Who is it?”

“Twilight Sparkle. We popped her alcohol cherry. She’s pretty fucked up, it’s great.”

“Twilight Sparkle? Hmm. Yeah, bring her too. I’ve never fucked a princess before.”

Top unf.

This night was going in all the right directions

“Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?” you asked as Vinyl made martinis in the nearby kitchenette.

“Uhh. What?” she asked, absentmindedly. Twilight was laying on her back on the couch, hoof rolling about in the air before her as she lazily sang a song you couldn't quite make out. Probably Funky Town or some shit.

“They’re early work was a bit, 'new wave' for my taste. When 'Sports' came out in ‘83, I think they really came into their own, commercially, and artistically," You waltzed into the bathroom, shoving the hotel soaps and conditioners into your pants pockets. “The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost.”

“Uh huh,” Vinyl went on as you walked out.

“He’s been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor.” You walked up right behind Twilight as she lay, still singing senselessly to herself.

“Dude, what the fuck are you going on about? You sound like you’re going to stab a fire axe in my back or something, you’re talking all crazy.”

You laughed to yourself.

“Naw nigga, I’m just messing around.”

“Right,” Vinyl said as she handed you your drink. She glanced at Twilight, “I think she’s done for tonight.”

“Yeahhh… She’s already drank a lot for a first timer. Pretty proud of her, I gotta say. I’m surprised she isn't a drooling mess.”

Vinyl pointed at her own horn.

“Unicorn magic, it does wonders.”

“Right. You should see my unicorn horn. It works wonders, too.” You smirked heavily and chuckled into your glass. Vinyl bounced an eyebrow up at your comment.

You walked up to the window, and looked down at the city street below you. Up in the hotel, everything seemed small and unimportant. The night-life of Canterlot buzzed past in a whirl of sparks and lights. It sort of reminded you of a city back where you came from, though the memory was foggy. You couldn't even remember the name of the place.

Speaking of back home…

“What about Phil Collins? You like Phil Collins?” You asked the two mares who sat on the couch across the room. Twilight had sat up and was wearing a goofy smile on her face. Vinyl was sipping at her martini.

“I’ve been a big Genesis fan, ever since their release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn’t understand any of their work. Too artsy. Too intellectual.” Finishing your drink, you set it down on a coffee table near you and began moseying your way towards the bedroom. “It was on Duke that, uh, Phil Collins’ presence became more prevalent. I think Invisible Touch is the group’s undisputed masterpiece.” With a come-hither wave of your finger, the two mares got up and followed you into the bedroom, albeit Twilight did more stumbling than walking.

Shit was going down.

“It’s an epic meditation on intangibility.” You sat down on the large bed and began to take your shoes off. Vinyl dragged a somewhat willing Twilight into the bed next to you.

“At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the proceeding three albums. Vinyl, take off your glasses.”

The mare complied dutifully and placed her signature glasses on the bedside table. As you stood up to take off your pants, you went on.

Holy shit, there’s a camera here. Nice.

Setting up the camera on its tripod, you looked through the viewfinder to line up the shot. Vinyl was on the right side of the bed, sitting patiently and waiting for you to finish your retarded speech, and Twilight was laying drunkenly on the opposite side of bed, her legs wide open.

“Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship and sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism.” Looking through the camera’s lens, you felt like you were missing something.

“Vinyl, why don’t you, uh, dance a little?”

Realizing she was on film, the inner slut in her began to come out as she got up off the bed and began to move her body in a slow, seductive rhythm. Hips bouncing and flank moving, she was stirring up just the right level of sexy.

“Take the lyrics to ‘Land of Confusion.’ In this album, Phil Collins addresses the abuse of political authority. ‘In Too Deep’ is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. The lyrics are as positive and affirmative as, uh, anything I’ve heard in rock.”

You walked up to a slowly sobering but still very intoxicated Twilight and smacked her on the ass. She giggled and squirmed, and you continued your assault. As she cried and moaned, she became more belligerent, until you smacked her square across the face. With a gaze of razor hot horny fury, she eyed you down and you smiled back at her, mouthing the word ‘slut.’

Walking back to the camera, you looked through the viewfinder to get your bearing.

“Twilight, get down on your knees so Vinyl can see your asshole.”

The good girl in her rejected this idea at first, but as both you and Vinyl gazed her down, her guard dropped out from under her and she obliged.

Ah peer pressure. It was truly a wonderful thing.

Climbing up on all fours, she kneeled on the bed and jutted her ass high into the air, twitching her tail slightly at Vinyl.

“Phil Collins’ solo career,” you went on, eliciting distracted stares from both mares, “seems to be more commercial, and therefore, more satisfying in a narrower way. Especially songs such as, ‘In the Air Tonight,’ and, uh, ‘Against All Odds.’”

As you turned to grab something from the kitchen, you realized both ponies were just staring at you; Twilight with her plump ass beckoning in midair, and Vinyl mid-dance.

“Vinyl, don’t just stare at it. Eat it,” you said, your tone dead serious as you indicated the prime ass before you with an open palm.

“Yes, sir. I thought you’d never ask…” the white unicorn murmured as she leapt straight onto the bed and buried her muzzle into Twilight’s nethers.

“I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist. And I stress the word, ‘artist.’” As you helped yourself to another drink, you plugged in your phone to the shitty hotel sound system and turned up the volume.

“This is ‘Sussudio,’ a great, great song,” you said as you disposed of your shirt and boxers in one fell motion. “And a personal favorite.”

As your soldier stood at full attention, you mired the fantastic scene before you:

Twilight had been forced down and was laying on her back, wings splayed out underneath her haphazardly. Her legs were wide open, held wider than was normal by Vinyl’s overpowering grip. The princess squirmed, moaned, and hiccupped as the white unicorn buried her muzzle into her snatch; you couldn’t see anything between her legs except for a wild mane and a white horn bobbing up and down.

As Twilight screamed and grappled at Vinyl’s mane to push her face in deeper, you traced your gaze down the white unicorn’s back and finally rested your gaze on the prize:

Long, supple curves gave way from a tight midsection and widened into the peak of a very, very succulent ass. A tight asshole and a bright pink and very moist pussy were just the cherry on top.

“Hot damn,” you breathed as you subconsciously man-handled your member.

“Are you gonna fuck it, or what?”

You refocused and wondered where the voice had come from. As you looked up, you realized the demand had come from Twilight. She was giving you the heaviest bedroom eyes you’d ever seen, and a swift throb to your dong overpowered your will. Her gaze followed you as you marched to the two ponies and to the prime pussy that was beckoning you.

You hopped on the bed and eyed up your challenge. Grabbing your dick in your hand, you ran the bottom of your shaft along the outside of Vinyl’s lips and, satisfied that your dick was wet enough, proceeded to slide in.

God damn, she was wet.

As you sheathed your cock, the unicorn broke her muff dive and groaned as you stuck it in, inch by inch.

“Fuck!” you both said in almost perfect unison as you hit balls deep in the mare. She was tight.

“Fuck-! Me-!” Vinyl screamed as she tried to continue her oral assault all the while you hit her cunt like a jackhammer.

As you railed on dat ass, you remembered the camera you had set up earlier. With a broad smile, you glanced up at it and pointed towards the lens. Giving it a wink, you kept up your movements and made faces at the camera. You flexed and made poses as the two mares in front of you moaned and cried out.

So distracted by your shenanigans, you accidentally slipped out. With half a thought, you grabbed your cock and shoved it back in place, but something felt off.

“Ah-AH!” Vinyl screeched. “Wrong… hole…” she said between pants.

“Whoops,” you said, slowing down your thrusts.

“I didn’t say... stop…” the mare muttered into Twilight’s pussy.

UNF

Picking your speed back up, you drove your cock in and out of Vinyl’s tight asshole, enjoying the particularly fantastic tightness it offered.

“Fuck, that feels amazing,” you muttered under your breath.

“Oh yeah? I can do things with my ass you wouldn’t believe!” Vinyl cried out, shooting you a dangerous look.

Oh fuck.

“LETS GET DANGEROUS!” you proclaimed as you went full H.A.M. on her ass.

Dangerzone.exe activated

As you kept going at it, you felt her lift away from you. Before you knew what was happening, she began to drive her flanks back and forth on your cock, until her ass was riding you. All the while, you could feel as she tensed up muscles that stroked and massaged your cock while she rode you.

“Jesus fucking Christ, are you a robot or something?” were the only words that came out of your dumbfounded, blood-lost mind. You’re pretty sure you were beginning to drool, as well. Vinyl merely giggled girlishly to herself. Her thrusts began to slow, but the force increased until you eventually felt her push you back. Giving in, you laid down on your back, keeping your dick in the pony as she rose to come on top of you.

Once you were fully situated on your back, you watched as the mare rode you reverse-cowgirl, her ass bouncing on your dick before you.

“Come here, pet.” Vinyl said to Twilight.

Fuck, the dominant girl routine really turned you on.

You heard the sheets shift as Twilight picked herself up to come over to you two. As Vinyl bounced slowly up and down on your dick, you saw through her legs between thrusts as Twilight’s face got close to your crotch.

“Suck his balls, whore.”

“Yes ma’am.”

As Vinyl quickened her pace, you felt a warm, wet sensation on your lower nethers and you moaned as the overwhelming sensation overtook you. Grabbing at the unicorn’s waist, you took control and began driving her deeper and harder onto your throbbing cock.

“Eat my- p-pussy, p-princess!” Vinyl screamed as you mercilessly fucked her asshole. You watched with a devilish smile as Vinyl grabbed a hesitant Twilight’s head and smashed the princess’s muzzle into the her dripping wet cunt.

You could feel Vinyl getting closer and closer to climax as her cries ascended higher and higher. Her asshole tightened and flexed around your cock, and as Twilight drunkenly slobbered all over her clit, Vinyl finally came in a crescendo of piercing screams and grunts and moans, and her horn glowed blue and flickered with small sparks. Her body shuddered as she slowed on your cock until she finally came to a full stop, balls deep on you. Her asshole clenched and loosened in reflexive relaxation.

Her breath picked up suddenly and she panted heavily: the pony seemed to wake up out of her stupor, and she gingerly rolled off of your dick. She then promptly dropped, exhausted, on the foot of the bed. A long string of sticky sex juice still clung from the tip of your dick to her asshole.

Fucking noice.

After a few moments of collective, heavy panting and sighing, you sat up to go clean yourself up before the next round of fun began. Just as you had begun to start moving, though, Vinyl jumped up and faced you.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she hissed under her breath, placing a firm hoof on your chest to push you back down.

“I was uh, getting a towel to go-” you began, but the words were lost on you as the unicorn began bobbing on your cock. “Ohh, okayyy…”

“You’re not going… anywhere. Not until… I thank you for that proper ass fuck,” Vinyl muttered between sucks. You really couldn’t argue with that logic as you watched the unicorn slurp away at your member.

As you looked past, you saw Twilight watching intently at what was going on before her, her head propped up on her hooves and a curious look in her eye. Vinyl noticed your gaze, and pulled off your cock. A few fat strands of spit trailed off your head from her lips.

“Why don’t you come suck this big, fat, cock, princess? You’ve been staring at it all night.”

“Euh, well, I mean... I would. That is, I uh... hehe,” Twilight drunkenly slurred as she rolled a little bit under the mare’s gaze. “I uh. Uhmmm…” She trailed off, her face flushing hot and red.

“Oh my god...” Vinyl breathed.

“You’ve never sucked a cock before, have you!?” you belted out, laughing. “Fucking hell, Sparklebutt.”

Twilight’s face soured; it was followed by a grimace, and then a determined look.

“Fuck -hic- you, Anon.”

Vinyl rolled her eyes.

“Look, princess, this cock ain’t gonna suck itself. So get busy.” And with that, Vinyl sat up and tugged at Twilight’s mane, forcing her face right into your throbbing cock.

“Ahh! F-fine.” Hesitating for a moment, she stuck a curious tongue out and caressed the tip of your dick, "Hmm... interesting taste. A bit salty, but-"

“Suck it, bitch!” Vinyl shouted, and with a very callous push, she shoved your dick straight into Twilight’s mouth as she choked and gagged. The pony hesitated for a moment, but the high levels of alcohol and an incredibly lowered inhibition pushed her on. Twilight began to bob up and down on your dick, and though she was a beginner, she was a quick learner. Soon, she was sucking and licking like a pro as you laid in ecstasy.

While Twilight bobbed away, Vinyl climbed up on you and laid her pussy on your face as she helped Twilight suck you off in an impromptu 69 position. As you ate out the unicorn, you could feel yourself getting closer and closer to coming while each pony switched off between one another.

As you buried your tongue in Vinyl’s snatch, the pony’s mouths drove you further and further towards a spiraling orgasm. Finally, you couldn’t take it anymore, and with an exasperated shout, you cried out.

Barriers broke and you felt your hot seed pump into a warm mouth; you couldn’t tell which, and it didn’t matter. As the last of your cum flowed out of you, a warm, tingling sensation overtook your body and the world came spiraling back into existence.

As Vinyl climbed off of you, you looked up to see Twilight’s mouth still around your softening cock, her cheeks bulging. She looked up to meet your gaze, her eyes burning with an erotic passion. In one fell move, she lifted her head and swallowed every last drop of your cum.

Licking her lips, she smiled sheepishly at you.

“That was…. delicious, Anon.”

And with that, she promptly passed out, drunk.

“Fucking lightweight,” Vinyl laughed, and hopped off the bed, disappearing into the bathroom. You heard the shower turn on.

Looking directly at the camera, you gave it a thumbs up.

“I think that’s a wrap.”

“Fuck, it’s snowing. Again.”

“So what?” you said, clicking at your controller absentmindedly.

Lyra sat at the window, breathing frost across the cold glass. Little flurries rushed past as the the grey skies cast a grim shadow on the now-white land. “I fucking hate snow.”

“Then stay inside, bro. It’s not like you have shit to do or anything.”

“Actually, I do, asshat. I wanted to visit my cousin before she left for the rest of the month to go see the family and leave me all alone for fucking Hearth’s Warming.” A heavy pause hung over the room while Lyra waited for you to grunt some reply, but you were too engrossed in your game to really give a fuck. The stillness dragged on until it became more of an awkward silence where someone was expected to speak up and say something.

“Yup,” you eventually replied, before you were cut off.

“It’s, like, really? It’s not like I’m all alone out here already! As if she couldn't offer to take me with her or something! Fucking cunt. I hate that candy-making whore’s fucking face.”

You paused your game and turned slowly to give the mare an incredulous look.

“The fuck you on about?”

“Nothing, forget it.”

“Oh, I get it.” You grinned. “You’re on your period.”

“Shut the fuck up, dickbreath. That ended last week.”

“Didn’t need to know,” you said, returning to your game.

“Forget it.” Lyra picked herself up off the windowsill and moped over to her room, shutting the door behind her.

You rolled your eyes and paused your game. Picking your fat ass up off the couch, you followed Lyra back to her room.

“Heyyy.” You knocked on the pony’s door. “Lyra. Y’allright?”

“No. Go away,” the pony sniffled from within her room. Fuck. Fucking women.

“Seriously, Lyra. Be straight with your bro.”

All you could hear were a few sniffles and a whimper.

“I’ve been alone on Hearth’s Warming Day ever since I moved here. I thought I’d at least be a little less alone when my cousin moved here, but NOOOOOO the stupid cunt leaves every time the holidays roll around.” Her voice tapered off into silence and you heard her sniffling.

“Hey,” you said gently, tapping on the pony’s door. “You want to get utterly shitfaced on holiday beer?”

Lyra remained silent for a few moments, and then you heard the door handle click open. A very red-eyed and snot-nosed unicorn peeked out from behind the crack in the door. She was actually pretty adorable like that, in a gross, snotty-crying way.

“C-can we take a shit on Bon Bon’s front porch after?”

“OF COURSH,” you said, in a perfect Tom Hardy impression.

Lyra opened the door some more.

“Don’t worry dude, I’m not about to let my bro be lonely on Christmas,” you stated with a smile, before extending your arms out to the mare, “now get over here and give your nigga a hug.”

The mare’s mood did a complete one-eighty as she exited the bedroom and accepted your offer with open hooves. As your felt her soft, warm hooves wrap tightly around your waist, you embraced your bro in an affectionate brotherly embrace.

“Thanks man…” you heard her say.

“Yo man, anytime. This is what it’s all about, man. Homies drowning their loneliness and problems in booze together. That’s some real nigga shit right there.”

“Whatever you say, Anon,” she looked up at you, “say… you’re buying, right?”

“Fuck.”

“Yo, Big Mac Daddy. You, me, Lyra, tomorrow, and a ton of holiday beer. You in?”

“Uh...” The stallion hesitated. He had just finished helping a customer at the Ponyville open market, and was tucking his bits into a burlap sack. “I’ve already got plans, bro.”

“Aw... what the fuck, dude? What could you possibly be doing that’s more important than drunk time with your bros?”

“My family?”

“Oh yeah. You have that shit, I forgot.”

“Sorry, Anon. I’d love to come bro down with you and Lyra, you know that. But it’s Hearth’s Warming tomorrow and Ah gotta be there. It’s tradition.”

“Yeah, whatever, I get it,” you cut in, feeling your face burning. A shot of jealousy punched you in the gut and you weren't exactly sure why.

“Sorry.” Big Mac’s features hardened as he pursed his lips. “Y’allright?”

“Yeah man. I’ll see you around. Have a good Christmas.”

“A good what?” you heard Big Mac ask as you turned sharply to continue on your way.

As you trudged through the shin-high banks of snow, you reminded yourself why you always fucking hated the shit. As you shook the ice off your coat, you bundled up tighter and approached the local distillery-mare.

“Sup Honeycrisp,” you chirped happily, “do you have any seasonal specials today?”

“Oh, you bet I do, Anon.” The mare beamed at you, her face buried in her striped scarf. “I was expecting you to ask.”

“You know me, bro,” you said with a shrug, “I get the Christmas bug pretty bad.”

“The what now, dear?” the mare asked as she turned to magick out a few bottles from her cooler.

“Christmas,” you said flatly. The mare gave you an odd look.

“What is that? Do you mean Hearth’s Warming?”

“Uh yeah, sure. Nevermind. What do you have today?”

“I have peppermint beer, pumpkin beer, and a nice chocolate beer.”

“Ehhh…” you asked, scratching the back of your neck, “Anything else?”

“Well…” She dug deeper into the big, metal cooler. “I have a special brew. Cinnamon and graham cracker bourbon red ale.”

“The fuck?” you asked, but your confusion was quickly set aside by thirst as your mouth began to water. “Yeah, hook it up. That sounds really good.”

Honeycrisp beamed up at you. “I knew you’d pick that!” And with a whisp of magic, the bottle was uncapped. You grabbed it in your hand and took a sip.

Shit, this was really, really good. You could already feel the little elves dancing in your gut.

“We ferment the beer in bourbon barrels, right from Sweet Apple Acres.”

“This is amazing. I’ll take two cases.”

As you reached for your bulging sack of bits (thanks government subsidies), you placed a handful on the table. The merchant’s eyes gleamed even more golden than before.

“Right away!”

As you carried the boxes full of precious cargo under your arms, your moseyed your way down the main street back to your place. You had some premium seasonal booze, and you were ready to get the holidays started the right way with your bros.

“Hey, Ano-OOF!” a pony cried. You were knocked flat on your ass, but with the help of your spidey senses and a little Christmas miracle, you kept the cases of beer tucked tight under your arm.

“FUCK. Damn, get off my dick, Sparklebutt!” you shouted seriously, but soon broke into retarded laughter as you climbed back up.

“O-oh. I’m so, so sorry Anon! Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine bro. Lemme help you.” There were several parcels the mare had been carrying scattered all over the snowy ground.

“Sorry, I should have been paying attention. I’m so sorry,” Twilight went on as you snatched up the wrapped packages she had dropped.

“Ain’t nuthin but a G thang, homie,” you reassured the mare, even though your feng shui was getting out of whack. “What's up?” You stacked the last of her things neatly on a crate beside you.

“Oh, I was just coming back from downtown. I was shopping for Hearth’s Warming.”

“Oh?” you said, taking a sip from your beer. “Did you pick me up an extra large horse dildo like I asked?”

“W-what?” Twilight stuttered, beginning to panic. You threw up a hand as you rolled your eyes.

“I’m just fucking with you,” you said with a grin, and tussled the mare’s hair. “So what did you get anyways?”

“Well…” Twilight began, biting her lip, “I picked up a saddle.”

She smiled coyly at you as you took another sip on your holiday beer.

“Yeah? And?”

“A-a-and I was wondering if you’d like to come back to my place and see how it looked on me…?”

You gave the mare a look. “Can I ride you around while you wear it?”

Twilight opened and closed her mouth a few times before breaking into a heavy, hot red blush.

“I, uh…” Her smile got wider and wider.

Damn, that was really cute.

“Appreciate the offer, but I’ve already got plans to get fucked up with Lyra.” Another sip, and you had finished off your beer. You uttered a silent prayer and tossed the bottle over your head in some random direction.

“B-but,” Twilight started, stamping an indignant hoof into the snow, “I got it for you…”

“Huh?” you said, whipping your head around to face Twilight after making sure the bottle didn't hit any children on its descent.

“Look. Can you at least help me carry all these parcels back to my castle?”

“Sure brah. I lift.” And indeed you did, as you tucked what you could under your arms.

“Thank you, Anon,” Twilight beamed as she magicked the rest of her boxes up into air around her.

“Nigga that’s fucking cheating,” you grunted as you felt your arms starting to give out; you had grabbed way too much. With an exasperated thought, you wished the fucking packages would get home already, and suddenly, they disappeared out of thin air from under your arms.

“Coooooool,” you monotoned as you flexed your arms to stretch them out. “Check it, cunt.”

“Huh?” Twilight said, so enraptured that she almost dropped her own packages. “How did you…?”

“I dunno, I just wished they would get to where we were going, and they were gone,” you answered with a shrug. “It’s kinda normal. I wish for shit, and it happens. It’s a Christmas miracle.”

“What’s Christmas?” Twilight asked, skeptical.

“Seriously? Everyone knows what Christmas is. Even the Jews.”

“As if that answers my question. Try that again.” You sighed as you trudged alongside the pony.

“Christmas is when you hang socks on the chimney and expect a fat man to bring you gifts. However, it just turns out to be your dad. Then he tells you to go to bed, you start crying, and you never get that fucking fire engine."

“Uh… huh...” Twilight just looked ahead as you lost yourself in shit memories.

“I really wanted that fucking firetruck…” you muttered. You looked sidelong at Twilight and noticed her face was grim. “Sooo, what do you do for Hearth’s Warming?”

“Oh, well. It basically celebrates the founding of Equestria between the three races of ponies. It celebrates the differences that make us special but also reminds us that we’re all ponies no matter if we have wings, horns, or nothing at all!” Twilight beamed at her summation.

“Sounds pretty fucking gay,” you summated in your own way.

“No, Anon, you’ll see,” was all the alicorn replied.

“Well like, what do you guys do exactly? To celebrate?”

“Lots of things! Pageants, candy cane making, gift exchanges, caroling, you name it.” You sighed though.

“Look, is there, like, a book on it I can read? Can I just check this shit out at the library or something?”

Twilight looked straight ahead as her face went blank, save for a creepy, thousand yard stare that pierced the road ahead of you.

“This town doesn’t have a library anymore.” Her tone was flat, and you decided not to ask any more.

“We’re here!” Twilight said after a long pause, slightly out of breath from the trek. And indeed you were. You looked up at the gigantic crystalline tree that loomed before you. It had been decorated with baubles and ornaments in the spirit of the holiday tradition.

“Jesus, this thing is ugly,” you commented.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t pick the decor this year.” She walked ahead of you, and with a sparkle of magic, opened up the door the the tree castle. “Shall we?”

You shrugged and waltzed in, barely able to contain your swag. Twilight walked in behind you.

As the two of you wandered through the halls of the castles, you noticed that you were the only two living souls around.

“Jesus, this place is fucking desolate.” Your voice echoed down the long corridors. “Is there seriously no one here?”

“No. Spike is in Canterlot visiting Celestia for Hearth’s Warming. It’s a tradition with them.”

“What about your other friends?”

“Pinkie Pie and the Cakes are in Manehattan for a baking competition, Rarity and her sister went to Fillydelphia for a holiday fashion premier, Applejack is with her family at Sweet Apple Acres, Rainbow Dash is visiting her dad in Cloudsdale, and Fluttershy always spends the holidays with her animal friends. I’m uh, alone this Hearth’s Warming Day.”

“Sucks bro.”

“Yeah. I guess so. It’s ok, I’m used to being alone. I could the time alone to get some reading done anyways.” She turned away from you to set her packages down on her kitchen counter. The things you had willed out of existence were sitting there, as well. “Anyways, thanks Anon. I really appreciate the help.”

“No problem,” you said, picking up your cases of beer and turning to make your exit.

You paused, getting an idea.

“Yo. You want some beer?”

“Uh, well--”

“Wait, no. Fuck it.”

“Huh?” Twilight said, recoiling a little at your sudden reaction.

“You should come hang out with Lyra and me tonight. We’re getting super drunk and hanging out for the holiday tomorrow.”

After taking a moment to think over your idea, she responded. “Well, I don’t see why not. Sure! I’d love to, Anon!” A hidden glimmer sat in the pony’s eye as she looked at you funny.

“Sweeeeet. You’re lonely as fuck, so is Lyra, and I have a need to slam some beers because I’m lonely and dead on the inside. This’ll be the greatest Christmas ever!”

“Hearth’s Warming,” Twilight corrected you.

“Whatever, cunt. Come over later tonight.”

As you hopped from snowbank to snowbank with your precious cargo under your arms, you thought all about the fun you were going to have. Good booze, good friends… the only thing that was missing in the trifecta was some good poon.

“Hey, Anon!” came a voice from behind you.

Speaking of the devil...

“Oh, sup Vinyl?”

“Not much!” The mare smiled at you. “Just heading to the train station. I’m going to Canterlot to visit some friends for Hearth’s Warming.”

“Cool, man.”

“Yeah. What’ve you got there?” The pony indicated your stash with a hoof.

“Some premium holiday booze, bruh. My friends and I are going to get super hammered because we’re all lonely as fuck this Christmas.”

“For what now?”

“Nevermind. What are you up to in Cunterlot?” You giggled quietly at your little joke.

“Cool stuff, dude. Some lady friends and I are gonna get drunk, probably smoke some grass, have a big orgy. Same as every year.”

A sudden tightening of your pants confirmed your appreciation for this traditional yuletide activity.

“You know... I really, really liked the way you fucked me that last time.” Vinyl bit her lip as she stared you down like lioness on the hunt. “My friends will probably enjoy it, too. You should come with, and bring that fancy beer with you.” She batted her eyes heavily at you.

“Fuck yeah, I’ll be there!”

“Great!” Vinyl pulled a receipt from out of her saddlebag and scribbled on it. With a sparkle of magic, she shoved it in your pants pocket and winked before turning on her way. “I’d better see you there.”

You felt your internal hype grow larger with your expanding, hardening cock, but the weight in between your arms reminded you of your plans for tonight.

“Actually wait, Vinyl.”

“Hm?” the pony asked as she lifted her glasses off her face to look at you. “Sup?”

“I can’t leave my bros alone here. Sorry dude.” You paused and scratched your chin in thought. “Say… why don’t you and your friends come over to my place instead?”

Vinyl scowled, then her her features softened. She tapped a hoof on her chin.

“Yeah you know, maybe. Tell you what... we’ll stop by later tonight if we can. How does that sound?”

“Sounds good to me, man,” you said.

Vinyl returned your smile and put her glasses on.

“I’ll see you later then.” And with a swish of her tail, she sauntered away to the station. You made sure to appreciate the way her flanks bounced from side to side as she walked away, and carnal memories of the way you had mounted that tight ass came forefront in your mind.

Unf

Turning to go, you moseyed your way back to your apartment.

“AYOOOOOO,” you shouted out loud as you kicked the door to your shitty apartment open. You spotted Lyra lounging in her particularly weird way on the couch. “Ayy gurl.”

“YES. FINALLY,” the unicorn shouted as she hopped off the couch. Grabbing a bottle in her magic’s grip, she popped the top off and tipped the bottle to let the cool brew past her lips. “Holy fucking fuckity fuck in a pear tree. That’s some good shit, Anon. I love it!”

“Thanks, fam. I picked it specially for you and Sparklebutt.”

“Sparklebutt? You mean Twilight?”

“Oh yeah. She’s loner as fuck for Christmas, too, so I invited her over tonight to party with us.” You grabbed a beer and popped it open. “Oh, and Vinyl and some of her mare friends. They’re probably going to have an orgy or something, too.”

“What,” was all Lyra could get out as she nearly choked on her mouthful of beer.

“You’ll see, cunt. Shit’s gonna be bomb, though. If we plan this right, we probably won’t even wake up on Christmas.” You took a big sip.

“For fuck’s sake, you autist, it’s Hearth’s Warming. Not chrispmoss.”

“Christmas, you Jew.”

“Whatever, cut that out already.” She took another sip of her beer. “But yeah, I’m looking forward to not being alone this Hearth’s Warming.” She beamed up at you, her eyes as bright as her smile. You felt a little pang of something in your gut, but you couldn’t place it; you drowned it with another swig of beer.

“I’m happy for you, dude.”

The two of you went silent and opted to drink away at your beers. Several long moments of silence later, Lyra spoke up.

“Hey, Anon?”

“Sup bruh?”

“I want to suck your cock.”

“Well, then what are you waiting for? I’m already hard,” you said, motioning to your crotch.

“N-no, no, I was just kidding.” The pony threw up a hoof as her eyes went wide in shock. She giggled a little, though. “Fucking hetero.”

You grinned at your bro.

“Seriously, though,” the pony went on, “I’m really glad to have you in my life.”

“Yeah. I am, too, bro.”

“So…” Lyra held her bottle out to you. “What should we toast to? Our brotherly bond? World peace?”

You took a moment and thought very carefully about your response.

It didn’t take long for you to figure out your response.

“To Pepe and Wojak,” you said as you held up your bottle, “the normalfags may have killed them, but they live on in our hearts.”

“Uh… alright…” Your bro gave you a weird look. “To Pepe and Wojak!”

Your two bottles met midway with a clack, before you tilted your head back and downed the rest of your brew.

You had gotten about four bottles of beer in when you heard a knock on the door.

“I GOT IT,” you shouted as you jumped up from your seat.

“YOU GOT IT BRO.”

Ambling up to the door, you fumbled with the lock in your slight buzz. A wave of chill air and snow flurries danced inside as you spotted who had knocked. Twilight was standing in the doorway, wearing a tight red turtleneck sweater and a wide smile. Her glasses shone in the light of the doorway and her hair was pulled up into a loose (but still very classy) bun.

You appreciated her look with a tightening of your pants. Damn, she looked hot.

“Oh, well… thank you, Anon.”

Shit. You did that thing again.

“Uh, come in bro. Can I get you a beer?”

The pony stepped inside, wiping her hooves on the mat. A few large, glowing bags floated in behind her, and Twilight scanned the room, as if looking for something.

“Not right now, thank you. Mhm, just as I suspected.” She marched right inside with her bags. As she set them down on the counter, a wide assortment of sundries and foods floated in magic’s grip around the room. “Hey, Lyra!” Twilight smiled at the unicorn while everything floated into place.

“Uh… Hey, Twi. What the hell’re you doing?” Lyra eyed the happening in the room very carefully. Wreaths hung themselves in strategic places on empty walls, garland snaked itself around coffee tables and bookshelves, lights strung themselves along the ceiling, candles floated into place, a platter of cookies and a large jug of what looked like eggnog set itself on the countertop. “Nigga, what the fuck are you doing! Now this place is all… gay and Hearth’s Warming-y.” The unicorn gagged as she spotted a nutcracker float onto the coffee table. A fire started itself in the cold hearth as three stockings pinned themselves onto the mantlepiece.

“Shut up, Lyra, this is awesome. Thanks, Sparklebutt.” You flashed the mare a thumbs up, eliciting a bright smile from her.

“You haven’t even seen the best part.” Twilight smiled devilishly and she grabbed the last thing from out of her bags before folding them up, tucking them out of sight in a cupboard.

“Is that…?”

“HO-LY-FUCK-ING-SHIT. That’s Royal Equestrian Imperia Vodka! That shit’s a legend!” Lyra’s mouth was agape at the large, gold-tinted bottle. “I’ve never heard of it leaving the castle. How did you get that!?”

“Well, I am a Princess, after all. I just… asked.” Twilight winked at you two and set the bottle down on the table. Lyra hopped up off the couch and power walked over to the counter.

“I take back what I said, Sparklebutt. You’re alright. Dibs!” Lyra snatched the bottle and magicked over a glass. Twilight gave you a harsh glare at Lyra’s use of her pet name.

You just shrugged and looked innocent.

“I think I’ll have that beer, now, Anon.”

“Let me tell you about pegasi, man. They’re fucking ASSHOLES,” Lyra slurred, sloshing the mixed drink in her hand. You nodded in agreement.

Several shot glasses, some more empty than others, sat on the coffee table as you all lounged around. You thought that you and Lyra had imbibed on a vast majority of the bottle of vodka, but when you got up to pour more into a shot glass, it still sat at the ¾ full mark. Deciding not to question it, you took another drink, but ended up spilling half of it down your shirt.

“Eheheh, fuckin’ Anon. That’s a paddlin’!” Lyra shouted, her mouth full of cookie.

“Shut the fuck up, mate. That was an accident,” you growled and tried to wipe off the booze. You heard Twilight chuckle.

“If Anon needs a paddling, could I do it?” She looked over her glasses at you, her eyes glassy from the vodka. You caught her look and felt a shift in your loins; the pony was practically willing your boner into existence with that look.

“No nigga, I want to do it! Anon has it coming!” Lyra tried to jump up out of her seat but stumbled over herself and ended up falling right back in her chair with a soft “oomph.”

“Look, neither of you are paddling me, alright?”

“... You could always paddle me instead, Anon. I’d prefer it that way, to be honest,” the Princess of Spankings said as she eyed you down, living up to her name.

Unf.

You grinned at the antics of your bros. “Let’s have a toast, yeah?”

“Oh hell -hic- yeah!” Lyra shouted at full volume as she reached for the nearest glass next to her. She held it up and looked at the two of you. “So what for?”

You thought about it long and hard (hehe), and then held your glass up. The ponies followed suit, and as you opened your mouth, a loud knock rang out from the door.

“WHO DAT?!” Lyra shouted and tossed herself out her seat towards the door as if she were a dog. Having more control of your body, you promptly followed her over to the door to supervise.

As the pony swung the door open, you were greeted with a roaring cascade of yuletide carols.

“WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’s WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!” the carolers belted at you. You flinched at the noise, but Lyra had a gigantic grin on her face the entire time.

“OH BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING, OH BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING, OH BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING, OR WE’LL NEVER LEAVE!”

“ANON, DO WE HAVE FIGGY PUDDING!?” Lyra screamed at you.

“LYRA! I’m right here, you don’t need to shout!” you yelled, wiping the horse’s spit off your face.

“Oh yeah, hehe. Seriously nigga, do we got it?”

“No dude, they’re just singing.”

Lyra’s eyes went wide as some insane, drunken idea passed by her mind.

“Can we go caroling too, Anon?”

“Fuck.”

As it turned out, following the ponies around wasn’t as terrible of an idea as you had first thought. Some of them were pretty bro-tier, and you had even run into an old friend.

“Ayooo, Gary the Gay! What’s up, dude?”

“No it’s ‘Grey,’ Anon,” the earth pony chuckled under his scarf. “Hey, you guys warm enough?”

“Yeah nigga, we’re cool. I mean hot. You get it.” The pony nodded at you as the whole group shuffled their way over to the next house. Well, you and Lyra mostly stumbled; Twilight was doing her best to stay upright as well. Grey looked around before producing a flask from his coat pocket.

“This will help. Good old Applejack Daniels.” He handed the flask to you and you took it from him like the gift of life from God himself.

“So, what are you doing here?” you said as your stomach began to feel warm and tingly. You bypassed Lyra, who could barely reach for the flask, and handed it off to Twilight. “I thought you lived in Canterlot.”

“I do, but I always come visit Ponyville around Hearth’s Warming. It’s so quaint!”

“Right,” was all you managed as your alcohol-impaired mind got distracted as everyone halted at the next door.

The head pony, a prissy-ass stallion with a bright pink scarf, knocked on the door, and when the couple opened the door, everyone began belting out their lines.

“WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Dude, this is fucking gay,” Lyra whispered at you over the break in music. You had to agree. You weren’t sure why, but somewhere along the line you had assumed there would be bitches and fame attached to going around singing gay chorus music to strangers who had to awkwardly stand in their doorway and force a smile.

Where had you gone so wrong?

Probably when you downed those five beers and seven shots earlier.

“Don’t worry homie, I got you on this next one.” You broke into a retarded, drunk smile. After all was said and done at that house, the whole group descended into the next one. As the head pony began to knock on the door, you stepped in. “Hey bro, I got this one. No worries.”

With a stiff lip, the skinny stallion eyed you harshly but nonetheless, bowed to you after realizing that you lifted. With a lopsided grin, you waved Lyra up to you, and she stumbled through the snow to join you.

“Madame, are you drunk?” the stallion scoffed at Lyra.

“Fuck yeah, man. You realize you’re supposed to go caroling drunk, right?” Before he could object, you knocked harshly on the door.

“Filthy Frank time, mah nigga,” you announced to nobody in particular.

The unicorn nodded to you as the door opened to reveal two weary-eyed parents and a handful of colts and fillies of varying ages.

“I LET THE BEAT DROP LIKE OLD PEOPLE WITH POLIO,” you began.

“That’s actually really fucked up…” you heard someone within the group comment.

“BITCHES CAN’T HANDLE MY SHIT,” Lyra and you sang together, “THEY GET REALLY EXCITED WHEN THEY SEE MY DICK. MY DICK PAYS RENT, AND MY DICK PAYS QUICK. SO I-”

That’s all the two of you could get out before the door was slammed on your party.

“What in the hay do you think you’re doing?!” the head bitch shouted at you, his face red hot. “What was that?!”

“Dude, did you really just say ‘What in the hay’? Unironically?’” You and Lyra began to burst into retarded laughter as the head pony just steamed in his anger.

“Get to the back and read from the lines. If you do that again, I’m kicking you out!”

“Whatever, cunt.” You shrugged before you went to the back of the group to rejoin Twilight and Grey. The stallion was so busy trying to muffle his laughter into his hoof that he dropped his flask in the snow.

“H-here. You deserve this.”

“Thanks, fam,” you said and took a large swig of the AJ Daniels. You handed back the flask and Grey finished it off in a few heavy gulps. He pulled the bottle away from his lips, panting heavily.

“Boy, you sure can swallow,” you remarked as you shuffled along with the rest of the group.

“Well, yeah. I am gay,” the pony replied with an odd look on his face.

“Damn it, it’s not fun if you’re actually gay!” Lyra groaned. Grey just chuckled.

“That’s what she said.”

“Nice meme,” you commented as you all stopped at the next house.

“Are we doing Pink Guy again, fam?” Lyra said to you, her eyes aglow from the christmas lights before you. You gave her the look and smiled stupidly.

“On my signal.”

“WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“OH-!”

“MY DICK DON’T STAND LIKE A FAT KID IN PE,” the two of you sang in perfect harmony, screaming at the top of your lungs, “THE ONLY TIME IT’S ACTIVE IS WHEN I’M IN THE BATHROOM PEEING. LIKE A NAZI WITH A BROKEN ARM I COULDN’T GET IT UP EVEN IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.”

The head pony rounded on the two of you.

“GET THEM OUT OF HERE!” And like a congregation of gaily-adorned zombies, the rest of the caroling ponies turned on your party. You merely dodged as snow-covered hooves flung themselves at you and the angry group all shouted in unison.

“Shit, cheese it!” you shouted, and the four of you all booked it in the opposite direction. As the town faded from view, you found yourself in the middle of a long field, the forest a few yards away. Snow drifted quietly among you as you all panted and broke into drunken laughter.

“That guy was a tightwad anyways. C’mon, let’s go back home. I need some fucking christmas cookies and booze.”

As you all turned to go back into town, you noticed that Twilight wasn’t walking with you. You turned about and saw the pony staring into the forest.

“Yo, what’s up Sparklebutt?”

“I just remembered what you were missing at your place… we don’t have a Hearth’s Warming tree!”

“Oh shit, yeah. Christmas trees are important. Where else is Santa gonna stash all my sweet presents?” You stood in the falling snow and thought about it. “Okay, I got a plan. Lyra, find us an axe. Actually, scratch that, you’re a drunken shit right now. Gary, you get the axe. I’ll find us the best fucking Christmas tree ever.”

“What the fuck is Christmas?” Grey slurred as the group began their next drunken mission.

“YES. THIS IS OUR TARGET,” you screamed as you held your hands high in the air at the majestic specimen before you. A thick trunk rose high up in the dark and you could catch the glimmer of ornaments hanging among the branches.

“And it’s already decorated!” Lyra spoke up next to you.

“Gary,” you barked.

“Grey,” Grey corrected.

“My axe,” you demanded with an open palm.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to do it?” the stallion asked.

“No bro, I lift. Give the axe.” You gripped the wooden handle firmly in your grasp, and sized up where you would swing. You brought the axe back, and shouted aloud, “TAKE THIS! MY LOVE, MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION, AND ALL OF MY USED TISSUES!”

With a hearty swing, you brought the axe down in a fell swoop upon the trunk of the tree. In another motion, the axe shattered into pieces on the wood and you dove for cover as the broken handle flung in some unknown direction.

“SHIT” you heard someone cry in the distance as you buried your face in the snow.

“Yo, everyone aight?” You heard three voices call out an affirmative and you looked at the tree before you.

“Oh, wait a second, this is Twilight’s gay-ass tree,” you cackled as the realization hit you.

“Anon! What the heck?!” Twilight stuttered, but she couldn’t stay mad for long as she broke down into drunken laughter. “You asshole!”

“Whatever, cunt.” You shrugged and looked at your friends. “I’m fucking cold and wet and I need a drink. Fuck the tree.”

Everyone in your party nodded in agreement and you all headed back home.

“So, Twilight,” you said as you sloshed your drink at the pony, “explain to me how the fuck this present shit works if you don’t have a fat guy coming down a chimney?”

“Heheh... you said ‘coming…’”

“Shut the fuck up, Lyra, we’re being very serious here.” You threw a cookie at the horse and decked her upside the head, eliciting a squeal from your target.

“Well, according to legend, Starswirl the Bearded cast a spell upon Equestria so that his walking spirit roams the land on Hearth’s Warming Eve. He brings every pony something of their heart’s greatest desire. Sometimes, though, you may get something you never knew you needed. These are very special gifts.”

“So, let me get this straight...”

“Uh-huh.”

“An old dude with a big-ass beard-”

“Yes.”

“Breaks into people’s houses and leaves them shit-”

“Yeah.”

“And he does this the night before Christmas.”

“Hearth’s Warming.”

“Okay, this is retarded. You guys are just ripping off our holiday.”

“What?”

“Nigga, that’s exactly what Santa does! On Christmas!”

“What? What are you going on about, Anon?”

“Nevermind.” You pouted into your drink and grabbed another cookie. “Gay-ass holiday.”

“It sounds like someone has a case of being a grinch!” Grey giggled as he pointed a hoof at you. “You should lighten up, man. It’s not--”

The pony was cut off as you all looked up at the door. Someone was knocking, and you all looked at each other.

“I swear to fuck if it’s more carolers….” Lyra stumbled out of her chair and over to the door. Grabbing a large horse dildo that you had left out, she swung the door open and held the dildo over her head in a threatening manner, screeching, “WE DON’T WANT ANY!”

“Oh shit! I’m sorry, are we at the right place? Dude, this is like the fifth time we went to the wrong apartment. We’re looking for Anon-”

“AYOOO,” you shouted from your seat on the couch. “Come in, slut!”

As soon as you had shouted, you spotted as Vinyl peeked her head around the door and smiled at you. She turned back around, waved behind her, and promptly moseyed inside.

“Hey man, we made it, and just in time. We caught the last train going back to Ponyville. I brought my friends with me, I hope that’s okay.” You raised an eyebrow as a few mares began filing their way inside, shedding coats and scarves on the hanger by the door. You counted five mares, excluding Vinyl.

Before you could even begin spewing quotes from the Dark Knight Rises, Lyra spoke up. “Anon, who are these mares?” she asked coarsely as she raised an eyebrow.

“These are the orgy mares I was telling you about earlier.” Half the mares blushed or coughed awkwardly, but the rest merely giggled and found a seat with the group. “I told you to come, asshole. You missed a good party,” Vinyl said as she threw a punch at your shoulder and plopped herself next to you. She smelled heavily of weed and booze. Both Twilight and Lyra gave Vinyl a nasty look as she sat giggling next you, but you were too engrossed in the cookies in front of you to have noticed.

“Sorry bruh, but I had bros to attend to here. But now that you guys are here, we can all get smashed and celebrate!”

“Sounds like a plan to me! You still have some of that holiday beer?” Vinyl asked.

“Yeah bro. There’s a case left in the fridge, feel free to pass them out. There’s also--”

“Royal Equestrian! Holy shit!” you heard one of the mares shout as she found the bottle. “How did you get this?!” You nudged your head in Twilight’s direction.

“You can thank the Princess of Spankings here for that gift,” A handful of ponies chuckled as Twilight sat stone still, blushing profusely.

“Oh hey, Twilight,” Vinyl said, giving the mare a heavy look. She turned to her friends and said aloud, “This is the Princess I was telling you all about. She tastes pretty good!”

Twilight just turned deeper red as the other mares in the room giggled and laughed at her.

“I don’t know what you’re referring to,” Twilight said flatly.

“Oh, sure you do. Remember? Anon here basically fucked me raw while I ate you out back in Canterlot. And then you sucked his dick dry!”

“Alright, let’s take it down a notch,” you said to the laughing mare. “You’re drunk, bro.”

“So what? You all are, too. It’s Hearth’s Warming Eve. You’re supposed to be drunk!” Vinyl kept laughing away as her friends joined in. “Though I bet Princess Prude here hasn’t even drank a drop since then!” You were starting to get pissed at these silly ass bitches, and just as you were about to tell them all to shut the fuck up, Twilight jumped up off her chair.

“I’msorryIneedtogo,” she slurred as she ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

The wailing of drunken, laughing mares roared aloud and you had officially reached your limit with these bitches.

However, just as you were about to speak up again, Lyra walked over to you, a dead serious look on her face. As she rounded on you, you watched as she held her hoof out and struck out, pimp-slapping Vinyl. The aquamarine pimp slapped her so hard in the jaw that she fell off the couch and onto the ground in a spray of blood. Several screams and gasps resounded, as your dick hardened in response to the catfight.

“What the fuck, man!” Vinyl screeched as she tried to pick herself up off the floor. She put a hoof to her jaw and her eyes went wide as it came back covered in blood. “What the fuck?!”

“Get the fuck out, you fucking cunt. Get out!” Lyra shouted at the pony laying on the ground, raising her hoof again. “You fucking stoner piece of shit slut! Get out of my house!” Vinyl put up her hooves and stuttered.

“Y-yeah. Fine, wh-whatever, man. We’ll go.

She picked herself up off the ground and slunk over to the door, exiting without another word. Her friends filed out behind her, giving a mix of disparaging and angry looks at you and your bros. The last one left with a sharp crack as the door was slammed behind them.

“YOU FUCKED WITH THE RIGHT ONE, BITCH ASS NIGGAS!” Lyra shouted after them.

A heavy, awkward stillness hung over the three of you as Lyra stood shaking in pure anger.

“Er, I’ll go make sure Twi is okay,” Grey cut in and disappeared down the hall, leaving just you and Lyra alone in the empty living room.

“I guess it wouldn’t be a proper Christmas without some drunk bitches getting into a catfight,” you said with a chuckle, only to receive no response from your bro. “Yo…. y’allright?”

“I’m fine. That bitch had it coming.”

“Yeah. She was being a cock-juggling thundercunt. Thanks, bro. I was going to do something but you kind of stepped in. That was fucking awesome, by the way.” You grinned at your bro. “Best pimp slap I’ve seen in a long fucking time.”

“Thanks bro.” She giggled, before giving you a look. “So you really turned down a holiday orgy so you could hang with us, huh?”

“Of course! I couldn’t leave my bros alone on Christmas Eve. What the fuck kind of bro would I be?”

“That’s pretty cash of you, Anon.” She smiled at you, before motioning towards the back. “You should probably go check in on Twilight.”

You nodded. “Yeah… she took that pretty hard. I’ll be back, nigga.”

You popped up out of your seat and moseyed down the hall. You saw Grey exit the bathroom, closing the door slowly behind him. He shook his head as you approached him.

“How is she, Doc?”

“Uh, she’s better now. Cried her poor eyes out. You gonna talk to her?”

“Yeah, figured I should.”

The stallion nodded sternly at you and walked back down the hall.

“I need a beer,” you heard him say.

You knocked on the door and heard a sniffle.

“Y-yeah?”

“Yo, Twi. It’s Anon. Can I come in?”

“Uh, sure.”

Without hesitating, you pushed the door open and spotted the pony sitting curled up on the toilet. Eyeliner was smeared down her face and she had her glasses off, sitting next to her on the counter. Her hair was falling out of its bun and a grim look was on her face.

“Hey fam, how you feeling?”

“Terrible.” The pony bowed her head. When she lifted it back up, she looked at you with glistening eyes. “I can’t believe what she said.”

“Yeah, well. She’s a class-A cunt. Forget about her. Besides, she was also drunk.”

“That’s no excuse!” Twilight shouted, but quietly repeated, “That’s no excuse. I still feel terrible, regardless. What she said was true.”

You rubbed the back of your neck and rolled your eyes.

“Look, what happened that other night…”

“What about it?” She stared you down with a bloodshot eye. “We were drunk. That’s it.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“And there’s… there’s nothing between us. It was just a hook.”

“Hook up,” you corrected, privately touched at the mare’s naivete. “And yeah.”

An awkward pause hung over you two for a short time. Twilight sniffled again, and you walked up to her, taking a knee next to her.

“Hey. Forget what that dumb snatch said. You know what will make you feel better?”

“Hm?” Twilight said hoarsely.

“Taking a shit on her front porch.”

Twilight snickered at you. “Right.” The pony sighed and you watched her head bob up and down as her eyes fluttered open and closed.

“Hey, look. Let me put you to bed, okay? You want a piggyback ride?”

“A what?” Twilight’s ears pricked up

Without answering, you leaned over and grabbed the pony, putting her front hooves over your shoulders. With a small effort, you picked up the pony and carried her on your back to your room.

You plopped the pony into bed and lifted the covers up over her, tucking her in tightly. She sighed and dug herself deep into your pillow.

“G’night, Anon… I… love you,” Twilight mumbled into the pillow.

“Yeah, bro. Good night.”

After tucking Twilight in and telling Grey he could use your bed as well, you rejoined your aquamarine unicorn bro in the living room, flopping down on the couch beside her.

The fire crackled in the hearth and you felt the night starting to catch up with you. Lyra eventually took a deep breath and turned to you.

“I’m tired.”

“Yeah,” you replied, “me too.”

You leaned back into your couch and got comfy, letting out an exhausted yawn. With a content sigh, you folded your arms behind your head and closed your eyes.

?

You felt something warm and soft press against your chest. You opened your eyes and looked down, expecting to find Gary trying to get in your pants once again. However, much to your shock, you found Lyra leaning into you.

“Uh…” You flashed the mare a curious look. “What are you doing?”

She shot you an innocent look. “It’s cold…”

“You could just get a blanket or something, bro,” you pointed out.

“Well… maybe I don’t want a blanket…”

“This a bit hetero, man,” you commented.

She giggled oddly. “If I say no hetero, will you shut up?”

“I guess,” you responded with a shrug.

She pushed away from you slightly and leaned up. The hair on your neck stood up on end as your felt the mare’s hot breath brush against your ear.

“No hetero, dude… no hetero,” Lyra whispered into your ear softly, the tone of her voice sending shivers up your spinal cord. She grinned, before burying her face back into your chest.

As you wrapped an arm around your bro and shut your eyes once more, you found yourself feeling… strange. Something about the way Lyra said 'no hetero' made you feel… well, you weren’t exactly sure what you were feeling.

You sighed and decided to forget about it. You were too tired to think about it.

“Hey Anon?” the mare using you like a pillow asked.

“Hmm...?”

“Merry Hearth’s Warming… and thanks for spending it with me. I really appreciate it.”

“Don’t mention it, dude… anything for my bro…”

You heard your bro sigh contently as the two of you sat together. Only the sounds of the wind outside and the crackling of the fire could be heard as you drifted off to sleep, warm and drunk.

“NIGGA, WAKE THE FUCK UP!”

“OW BITCH!” you screeched as you awoke, recoiling away from the unicorn who had shouted into your ear, “I HAVE A HANGOVER, CAN YOU FUCKING NOT?!”

The mare flashed you a cheeky grin. “Sorry bruh, I just get really excited on Hearth’s Warming.”

You forced the sleepiness out of your eyes and groaned. “Say what now?”

“Hearth’s Warming, nigga. Remember?”

“Oh yeah… OH YEAH! IT’S FUCKING CHRISTMAS!”

“FUCK YEAH, BRO!”

“FUCK YEAH!”

“Would you two keep it down!?” the stallion across the room shouted.

“Shut the fuck up, Grey!” Lyra shouted. “Where the presents at? SHOW ME THE PRESENTS.”

“The fuck you on about, there aren’t any presents. Calm down, you Down’s syndrome baby.” You rolled your eyes at the pony and clutched at your head.

“If there aren’t any presents, then how do you explain those full stockings over there?” With a gigantic grin, Lyra magicked over the four stockings that had been hung on the mantlepiece.

“Wait, I thought Twilight only brought three stockings?” you asked, skeptic. “Who the fuck filled them?”

“It was Starswirl the Bearded, Anon!” Lyra shouted in your face. Your head throbbed in hungover pain of a thousand knives while you glared at the horse. How she wasn’t utterly hungover as well, you couldn’t fathom.

“Starswirl these nuts, nigga. I bet Twilight snuck in here early in the morning or some shit and filled them.”

“Doubtful. I went to piss about an hour ago and she’s knocked the fuck out. Someone should probably go wake her, too.” Grey stretched out his back as he shrugged the towel off of himself that he had used as a makeshift blanket. “Fuck, it was cold last night. But I guess you two wouldn’t know, you were practically wearing Lyra like a blanket.”

Lyra blushed profusely as Grey eyed her down, but you walked over to the fridge to grab the last holiday beer.

“Nah, fam, we said no hetero, so it was all normal like.”

“I bet.” Grey smirked as you popped the beer open.

“I’ll go wake up sleeping beauty so that we can get this fake ass present shit started.” You sipped your beer, ignoring the arguing voices of both Grey and Lyra as you moseyed down the hall.

“Ayyyyy!” You shouted aloud as you burst into your bedroom. You tripped on an empty bottle and did a half somersault into the side of your bed. Your head throbbed as you hit the bed frame, but luckily, you hadn’t spilled a single drop of beer. You popped back up on your feet and stared at the sight that laid before you:

Twilight was laying on her back, spread eagle, the sheets twisted and bunched up at her lower hooves. Her upper half was smothered in pillows and you spotted her snout sticking up among the fluffy mounds, mouth hanging open and snoring lightly. A wing stuck itself out at an angle from the other side of the bed.

“Sparklebutt, wake the fuck up!” You half-assedly yelled. You got no response, but that didn’t surprise you. Getting a dumb idea, you climbed partially up onto the bed and began to undo your pants, whipping your partial chub out from the split in the front of your boxers. As you began to stroke yourself off, the talk you and she had last night came bubbling up to the front of your mind. In a rare moment of clarity, you sheathed your sword and decided to try a less erect, err... direct approach.

Instead, you lifted your beer bottle near her nose. Tipping it gently, you let a small stream of beer trickle out and land in her open mouth. It only took a moment before all hell broke loose.

As you were overcome with an insane fit of laughter, you watched as the pony went from docile and comatose to a whirling fit of coughing, flailing wings. You were knocked on your ass by bucking hooves and you heard as Twilight’s cries went from surprise to pain.

“WHAT THE- Oh my CELESTIA, my FUCKING HEAD!” The pony shot a hoof up to the bridge of her nose as she wailed in agony. You continued to laugh your ass off as you lifted the pillow that was covering your bro’s face.

“Morning, Sparklebutt,” you said, flashing the mare a cheery smile.

“Anon? Why the... ergh… why does my head hurt so much?” She looked you over with bloodshot eyes.

“That’s called a hangover, bro,” you patted the pony roughly on the cheek, “everyone here’s got one. So keep it down, yeah? Let’s go open presents.”

Twilight whimpered and buried herself into her covers. “Five more minutes…”

“Nigga, do you want me to draw a pair of balls under your horn again?”

The princess groaned, before she rolled over to face you. “Give me a moment and I’ll be right out.”

You stuck around for a few moments to make sure she would keep her word. It wasn’t long before she started getting out of bed at a painstakingly slow pace, and with that, you made your way out of the bedroom.

“Wow, look at all this neat stuff!” Lyra exclaimed as she laid her treasures out on the floor before her, rubbing her hooves together like a Jewish merchant as she gazed upon them.

“It’s all junk, now,” you monotoned as you plopped down next to the pony. Twilight wandered into the living with a loud yawn and plopped down beside you, leaning against you.

“Oooh.. my head...” Twilight clutched at her forehead and moaned in pain.

You turned towards Lyra. “Hey bro, could you do a homie a favor and get us some water?”

She nodded. “Sure brah.”

“Thanks Lyra, you’re a real nigga You are the real MVP.” You flashed her a pair of thumbs up that would make the Fonz proud. The mare tried to replicate the action, but remembered a few seconds later that she lacked the opposable appendages to do so.

As the unicorn made her way into the kitchen, you suddenly realized your party was short one pony. You glanced about the living room and tried to track down your gay bro, but found he was no where to be seen.

“HEY LYRA!”

“OW!” The purple unicorn clutched her head and groaned, before flashing you an annoyed glare.

“Oops… sorry Sparklebutt.”

Lyra walked back into the room with a couple water bottle held in her telekinesis. “What’s up?”

“Where the fuck did Gary go?” you asked.

“You mean Grey?”

“Yeah, Gary.”

“He got a call while you were waking up Sparklebutt and had to leave.” She brought the water bottles over to the two of you. “Probably had family to spend time with, or dicks to suck. Maybe both. He didn’t even grab his presents.”

You hastily screwed the top off your bottle, tossed the cap aside, and drank down a mouthful of the dihydrogen monoxide.“Sounds like a great party, I wonder why we didn’t get invited.”

“I don’t think I could survive another party...” Twilight took a break from rubbing her aching head and took a drink from her water. She jumped back a little as a stocking flew at her face with a glow of mint green magic.

“HERE YA GO SPARKLEBUTT.” Lyra moved her aim to you, though she was a lot less gentle. You shouted aloud as the oversized sock beaned you across the head.

“OW, SHIT!” You cried in pain as you rubbed your temple. You shot your bro a glare. “Fuck you, cunt!”

“That’s for throwing that cookie at my head last night, cockbreath.” The pony batted her eyelashes sweetly at you, before digging into her stocking. You and the Princess of Spankings quickly followed suit.

As you dumped out the stocking, you wondered just what the hell an ancient bearded fuck could possibly bring you on fake Christmas.

You desperately hoped it was the booty.

Sadly, it was not the booty.

A handful of small, various sized gifts plopped out onto the floor before you. They were wrapped in simple brown paper and some were tied up with twine.

“Nigga, what the fuck’s this shit? Your rip off of a Santa is fucking shit-tier,” you scoffed.

No one responded to you, though. Deciding to just go for it, you went for the first package with zeal.

“Aw shit!” You took a moment to examine the gift. It was a finely crafted metal mare in a l-lewd pose with a bottle opener attached to it. “A sexy mare bottle opener! Thanks fake Santa!” You opened the next gifts and, to your surprise, there was a bottle of Old Spice body spray, followed by a Space Dandy Collector's Edition DVD set. “AWW SHIT! SCORE! What’d you chuckle-fucks get?”

“I got a new controller because you fucked up my last one, some nice ass perfume, and an extra large dildo.” Lyra eyed you with a sly smile.

“Really? Damn nigga.”

“No, you’ve got plenty enough hidden around that I don’t need one. I just got some socks.”

“Well, socks are hot, nigga,” you said, socking your jhe in the shoulder playfully, “you’re gonna get plenty of action when you’re rocking those.” You turned towards the other mare in the room. “What’d you get, Sparklebutt?”

Twilight flashed you an annoyed look in response to your use of her pet name, but answered. “I got a mineral.”.

“Isn’t that just a rock?” Lyra asked with a condescending look.

“Jesus Christ Marie, they’re minerals!” you shouted at her like an autist.

“Shut up, dude.” Lyra gave Twilight a sympathetic pat on the back. “That fucking sucks, Twi.”

The pony just laughed. “No, no this is great! It’s a rare magical mineral I’ve been wanting to study, but it’s really difficult to get in Equestria. Import laws and all.”

“Oh, yeah… that’s great, bruh.” Your aquamarine unicorn bro rolled her eyes at the gleeful princess. “What’d you get Anon?”

“Bottle opener, Old Spice, and some mother fuckin’ Space Dandy.”

“Fucking sweet, man.” She flashed you a grin, before glancing down. “Looks like you missed one, bro.” Lyra pointed a hoof at a package that was sitting by your foot.

“Aw shit nigga!” you said as you scooped the gift up. You turned it over in your hands and looked at it closer. It was a hexagonal package about the size and weight of your fist, wrapped up and topped with twine.

“Yo, you gonna open it or what bro?” You looked up to see Lyra staring at you, as well as Twilight looking at you expectantly.

“Uh, yeah. Wonder what it is?” You untied the bow and began tearing the paper off. A dark red box, the edges worn, began to reveal itself, and you finished removing the paper to reveal a green lid. You popped the top off and dumped the contents into your hand: a sleek silver watch, the leather band marred slightly from age.

A sinking feeling hit your gut as you turned the watch over in your hands to look at the face: a pearl background, with inlaid diamonds on the twelve, three, six and nine o’clock positions. Your face started to get really hot and your throat got tight as you turned it over to look at the back of the face; initials were engraved on the back.

The room fell silent and you felt your grip tighten as you looked back at the watch’s face, an uncomfortable feeling of familiarity hanging over you. The second hand ticked by, unrelenting.

“Anon…?”

You looked up at the voice.

“Are you… crying?” Twilight asked with concern.

“Uh, no nigga, I’m leaking. Humans do it all the time,” you joked as you reached up and wiped the tears out of your eyes with that back of your hand before blinking away the rest.

You didn’t move your eyes away from the watch, though. You could not recall for the life of you where you had seen it before, just you knew deep down that it was important to you.

You slapped it on your wrist, before cinching it down. You took a small moment to admire the watch that was now adorned on your wrist, before looking back up at your bros. “See? Everything’s fine.”

“You sure everything is okay, dude?” Lyra inquired as she sat beside you, placing a comforting hoof on your shoulder, “You want to talk?”

You shook your head. “Honestly? I don’t know what’s up. Just there’s something about this watch… fuck man… I could really use a drink right about now.”

As if on cue, the door burst open. As if delivered by the norse gods themselves, a whip of snowy wind revealed a bundled up Big Macintosh, his mane flowing in the flurry.

Your homie looked like he was Han Solo in the Empire Strikes Back.

“Ayo nigga!” you jumped up from the floor and approached your bro, your mood doing a complete one-eighty, “I missed your ass last night!”

The stallion smirked at your greeting. “Gay,” Big Mac said, chuckling, and crossed over the threshold. He unloaded his pack and unwrapped his scarf to hang it on the coat rack. You raised an eyebrow as you heard the clinking of bottles in your bro’s pack. “Ah’m sorry Ah couldn’t make it to the party last night, had to be with the family, but we opened up Hearth’s Warming presents and Ah got some time in with the family, so Ah got permission to come see ya guys.”

“Nice man, really glad you could make it.” You flashed your bro a smile. “We were just about to get a circlejerk started.”

“Great, Ah brought some Applejack Daniels. Vintage stuff.”

“FUCK YES!” you cheered, before throwing your arms around the red stallion and pulling him into a tight, non-homosexual bromantic embrace, “I missed you, fam.”

“Same,” he returned your hug, “Ah think we can both agree the whole voting thing was a mistake.”

“Agreed! Now let’s get fucking shitfaced.”

“Hey, not without me,” came a voice at the doorway. You turned around to see a frost-covered stallion smiling from behind his scarf. “Sorry I had to go, guys. I was needed down the road at one of the offices where I work. Calling me in on Hearth’s Warming... I swear to Celestia, someone’s ass is getting chewed over this, I- Oh, hello,” Grey stopped sharply as he spotted Big Mac undressing himself from his winter gear near the entryway closet.

“Howdy,” the big pony nodded at the suddenly still stallion.

“I’m uh, Grey Lakes. But you can call me Grey, hehe,” the stallion stammered as he offered a hoof to Big Mac.

“Big Macintosh. A pleasure.” The two ponies shook. Neither of them, however, had spotted the dastardly look you had slowly been getting in your eyes. As you watched Grey spill spaghetti all over a blatantly oblivious Big Mac, a plan formulated in your mind, and you rubbed your hands together like a greedy merchant.

“Let’s get that bottle open, shall we?” you remarked, grabbing some glasses out of the cupboard.

“Hear, hear!” your unicorn bro cried out from the other end of the room.

After a few shots had been poured, the atmosphere in the apartment had started to get /comfy/. Twilight had opted to stay as far away from the hard liquor as possible, opting to sip away at her water in your room while the other three members of your party downed shot after shot.

“So, Big Mac, tell me a little about yourself.” Grey batted his eyes lightly at the stallion.

“He’s got a 15 inch dick, and plows his sister every night!” Lyra called out like a retard before Big Mac could open his mouth.

“Which one!?” you replied from across the couch.

Big mac just frowned into his drink.

“Fuck you guys,” he said, and began chuckling. “I’m a farmer by trade, grew up there my whole life.”

“Oh, how quaint,” Grey cooed, sipping at his drink. “So what do you like to do?”

“Uh, planting, harvesting… plowing. Plowing is fun,” the pony rubbed his chin as he tried to think.

“Yes it is!” You declared. “Especially plowing your sister’s tight ass.”

“Anon, can ya-”

“Dude, Applejack’s ass is like the Eighth Wonder of the World.” You continued on, staring at the red stallion the whole time with a slowly widening smug grin. “Her booty is the meaning of life, and the key to happiness.”

“Do you think that you could bounce a quarter off her ass?” Lyra inquired.

“I can confirm with the knowledge I have acquired through drunken adventures with her that you can, in fact, bounce quarters off her ass.”

Big Mac buried his face into his hooves. Grey chuckled along with you and your unicorn bro. Eventually, the conversation evened out into the more normal sense, and Grey carried on with Big Mac.

As they talked, you watched the way Grey interacted with your big red bro, the way he held on his words and smiled every time the stallion looked his way. When Big Mac had eventually excused himself to the restroom, you decided set your plan into motion.

“Lyra. Brah.”

“Sup?” the unicorn replied to you.

“Can you get me some more water, nigga?”

“Nah go fuck yourself,” she said and took a swig of her drink in a very lady-like fashion as it spilled down her front. “Shit,” she cursed and slammed the glass down on the table. “Fine, fuckster, but only because I’m going to the kitchen to get a towel.”

“You’re the best, sugar tits!” you called after the pony as she stomped off to the kitchen.

“Eat a dick!” she screeched as she disappeared into the next room. As soon as you saw her tail disappear around the corner, you plopped down next to Grey, who was nursing his drink.

“Gary,” you said.

“Grey,” Grey corrected.

“So, I noticed the way you’ve been looking at Big Mac.” The stallion blushed a bit at your observation, but quickly switched to a more defensive manner.

“Yeah, and what?”

“Pump your brakes, amigo, I’m just trying to help a bro out.”

“Go on…” the stallion seemed more interested in what you had to say.

“You want the D. It’s pretty fuckin’ obvious. And I’ll tell you a secret about Big Mac.”

Grey leaned in towards you, eyes wide.

“Go on…” He was on the edge of his seat.

“Big Mac is as straight as a rainbow sucking gloryhole dick at a gay bar.”

“Sooo, he’s….?”

“Yep, as gay as they come, bro,” you nodded to give your statement weight. “But,” you iterated with a stern finger, “he is very private about it. The shy type, you know? He’ll deny it every day of the week, but its true. I think he just needs the right man in his life.”

Grey nodded in agreement and rubbed at his chin.

“I can see what you mean. Big guy,” he responded as you muttered a quick ‘for you’ under your breath, “all alone, working hard on the farm all day. He needs some class in his life. I could fix that.”

“Just be super careful about it,” you warned, face dead serious. “He spooks easy. Take your time with him.”

“You got it, Anon. Thanks.” As the stallion finished thanking you, he missed your evil grin that was painted on your face as he turned to greet Lyra, who had just entered the living room.

“Here you go, cockbreath,” the mare said as she shoved a watter bottle in your gut and plopped down with a new drink. You promptly threw the water bottle aside, which exploded as it impacted with ground for no apparent reason.

Big Mac moseyed back into the room, and sat himself back down onto the couch, taking his drink back in hoof once more. As you helped yourself to another pair of overflowing shots, things began to settle back down into the normal pace.

“ALL I’M SAYING IS THAT THE GOVERNMENT NEED TO STOP GIVING THESE FILTHY IMMIGRANTS EVERYTHING THEY ASK FOR.” You ranted drunkenly, sloshing your drink around as you made angry motions with your hands. “I’M TIRED OF MY TAX DOLLARS BEING WASTED ON A BUNCH OF HAIRLESS MONKEYS WHO DO NOTHING BUT SIT ON THEIR ASS ALL DAY.”

“But Anon, you’re a human immigrant who receives money from the government,” Twilight pointed out as she stood in the hallway, nursing her head with a disdained look on her face.

“And all you do during the day when you aren’t at the bar, streaking, or occasionally ‘working’ at Sweet Apple Acres is sit on your ass all day making sex puns.” Lyra added.

“AND I COULDN’T BE HAPPIER!” you declared with a goofy ass grin.

“Speaking of that, are you ever going to apply for citizenship, Anon?” Twilight inquired as she finished off her water bottle and settled into the empty space next to you. “Equestria offers a lot of benefits to it’s citizens, natural born or not.”

“Nah,” you said with a shrug, “I’m too lazy. Plus I’m happy with what I got as is, so I could care less about the benefits.”

Before Twilight could bore you with anymore talk about becoming an Equestrian citizen, there was a loud, angry knock at the front door.

“BIG MAC! Ah know yer in there!” Big Mac visibly shrunk at the sound of his big booty toting sister’s voice on the other end of the door.

“Who the hell is that?” Grey asked, craning his neck to look back at the door.

“Only the greatest gift to booty-kind the Fonz has ever gave this motherfucking color pony infested planet, friend,” you preached. You downed the rest of your drink, got off your ass, and made your way over to the door. You yanked it open and stepped outside.

“Ayyy gurl! Merry fucking Christmas. Or Hearth’s Warming or whatever.” You flashed Applejack a grin as you gave her a quick once over. Unlike your bro who had been dressed up in what might as well be a Han Solo Hoth cosplay, Applejack was wearing only a long, red scarf and her usual stetson. Your faded jeans tightened noticeably in response to her look. “Damn shawty, you be looking fine in that scarf.”

“Thank ya kindly, Anon.” She flashed you a quick grin, before her face turned sour once more. “Ah’m here for-”

“WHAT?!” You put on your best Lil Jon impression.

“Ah said, I’m here for B-”

“WHAT!?” you cried again, holding your hand up to your ear. The pony started steaming in the winter cold.

“AH SAID, AH’MN HERE FER BIG MACINTOSH!”

“OKAY!” you cried. “I mean, he’s not here,” you lied to her like a champ.

“Anon, Ah can see him from here.”

“No you can’t.”

“Yes, Ah can.”

You looked over your shoulder for a split second, and could, indeed, see the big red horse lounging on your couch, drink in hoof.

“Uh, uh. That’s not him. That’s my Big Mac blow-up doll. Starswirl the bearded dude gave him to me for Christmas. I mean, Hearths Warming.”

“Ah bet,” the pony snorted, and pushed her way inside. “Excuse me.”

“I’m sorry, brah, I tried! Run for cover!” you shouted after the mare, trying your best not to get overly distracted by her bouncing flanks.

“Big Macintosh! Ya told me ya were gonna go out to check on the cattle out in the barn, and after thirty minutes, Ah went out to make sure ya hadn’t frozen into a ponysicle. Turned out that the lock hadn’t even been touched!”

“How’d ya know where Ah went?” the stallion asked sheepishly.

“Ah followed yer hoofprints, ya big idiot.”

“Oh,” was all the pony could reply as he shrank deeper into the couch.

“Big Mac can’t into stealth Big Mac’s sneak level wasn’t high enough,” you commented as you stepped back inside the apartment and closed the door behind you.

“And furthermore, Ah cannot believe that--” The mare stopped suddenly as a jingling sound was heard near her hooves. Another jingle was heard, and Lyra tried to stifle her laughter into her hooves. “Excuse me, Lyra? Can Ah help ya?”

“YOU WERE RIGHT, ANON!” she screamed out loud and doubled over in a fit of laughter. You spotted as a small handful of quarters fell off the couch next to her as the pony carried on. Applejack’s face went bright red and she cleared her throat.

“Anyways, Big Mac, it’s time to git home, ya should be glad Granny Smith can’t grip things no more, or yer rear end would be starting to go bald from all the paddlings she’d be giving ya.”

You laughed to yourself as you watched Grey fidget at Applejack's threats.

“Quit being a buzzkill, bro. Why don’t you have some shots with us?” you said from behind the angry mare. Grabbing the bottle of Applejack Daniels, you poured a very large tumbler of whiskey and garnished it with a large splash of even more whiskey. For good measure, you added a dash of whiskey. Dropping in two ice cubes you came around the fuming horse and offered her the drink. “Look, its Hearth’s Warming and all that gay shit. Have a drink with us and enjoy it.” You shoved the glass in Applejack’s face, but she pushed it away.

#rude

“Hearth’s Warming is supposed to be spent with family and loved ones, Anon. I’m sorry but Big Mac’s gotta come with me.”

“Aren’t we loved ones, fam?” you put on your best hurt expression, and offered the glass to her again. “Come on. Just one drink.” Applejack eyed you down dangerously, but as the rest of the ponies in the room began to speak up their argument, she faltered. Sighing heavily, she put her hoof out to get the glass.

“Fine. But just one drink.”

As it turned out, just one drink was more than enough to keep Applejack in your house, and you’re pretty sure that if she wore clothes, they would have disappeared rather quickly. As the night started to fall outside, the entire gang was in high spirits as shots turned into body shots, and even Twilight began getting in on the action.

“Off her ass! Off her ass!” Lyra cried as the rest of the ponies cheered.

Twilight acted embarrassed before immediately sticking her rear end into the air. You approached the sacred booty shrine, a shot glass in hand. Bowing before the ponies, you reveled in their cheers and suddenly put your hand up for complete and utter silence. You moved the pony’s tail out of the way, and admiring the view for a moment, slipped the glass into her ass cheeks. She clenched them together to hold the shot glass, and getting down on your knees, you turned around so that your head was below her ass.

“Okay, go,” you said, and Twilight lifted up her front end so that her ass tipped slowly down, pouring the shot out into your open mouth. When the last drop had hit your tongue, everyone in the room cheered and you crawled out from beneath the pony’s nether region. With a hearty slap on the ass, you thanked Twilight.

“Fuck… you, Anon...” she panted as her cheeks (both pairs) began to glow hot red.

“You’re welcome, Sparklebutt!” you shouted as a fit of laughter hit you.

Suddenly, your laughter was cut short by a loud, rolling boom rumbled the frame of the house.

“The fuck was that!?” Lyra shouted as she leaped out of her chair near the window.

“FUCK!” you shouted, hitting the floor, “It’s World War Three, man! Fucking mecha Hitler is back and he brought his dick nazis with him!”

As you looked up, though, you saw variously puzzled faces around you.

“Wait, they’re just the fireworks.” Lyra reiterated as she leaned over to glance out the window.

“Oh fuck yes!” you exclaimed, before pausing. “Wait… why is there fireworks on a rip off Christmas?”

“Well Anon,” Twilight spoke up, “As I believe I explained earlier, Hearth’s Warming celebrates how pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies founded Equestria after embracing the magic of friendship. So to celebrate this, the local Royal Guard units launch a mixture of pyrotechnics and high explosive ordnance into the air.”

“So you’re telling me Hearth’s Warming is both fucking Christmas and the Fourth of July?” You could feel the hype building up inside you as you asked this.

“I… guess?” The purple unicorn responded with a confused look.

“THAT’S FUCKING AWESOME!” Hopping up off the floor, proceeded to boogey over to the door.Jacket on and scarf wrapped up, you strolled out into the darkening twilight.

“Anon, what about your pants!?” Twilight shouted after you.

“PANTS ARE FOR TINY DICKED MANLETS!” You shouted back. Ironically, the chill that blew between your bare legs shrank your member into its smallest form, which was still pretty big, at least according to you. Too drunk to care, you pushed on. Snow crunched underfoot and you searched the dark orange sky for more fiery balls of explosive excitement.

A resounding boom rattled your teeth and you looked up to see a broad expanse of tangerine light spreading outwards high above you. As the sparkles drifted away from the centerpoint, they turned from bright orange into a crackling emerald and you felt a giant, stupid smile spread across your face.

As the final glittering light fizzled into the darkness, you heard the crunch of snow around you as your friends joined you in your ecstatic celebration.

You jumped a little as you felt hooves around your waist and turned around to see Lyra wrapping a towel around your waist.

“Here, you needle-dicked moron. Didn’t want you to be that cold out here.” The pony smiled up at you. You felt a warm sensation wash out from your chest and spread through your back into the tips of your fingers at her look.

“Thanks, Lyra,” you smiled back, and tousled the pony’s mane. Another explosion went off high above you, and you felt the pony jump up and nudge tight against you.

“Bruh,” you said, giving the pony a sidelong glance. She looked up at you, eyes bright and innocent-looking in the amber glow of the last firework went high into the sky. It detonated with a concussive blast that shook your soul and spooked your inner skeletal.

“No hetero, man.”

“Right, no hetero.” You wrapped your arm around the mare’s side and pulled her in close. You, her, and the rest of your party watched the sparks dance above you in the sky, the theme of Equestria: World Police playing softly into the background.

“Heh, looks like someone’s thinking about me.”

You glanced down at your enormous erection with a grin, elated that someone, somewhere, was thinking of you. Hell, you were willing to bet they were getting off the thought of you, considering your knack for destroying cunts.

You just hoped it wasn’t a fatty...

Or a dude...

You shook yourself from these thoughts, as there were likely more important things to do than trying to figure out who was masturbating to the thought of you.

Like what, though?

As you stood in front of your shitty apartment’s doorstep, naked from the waist down and sporting a massive erection, you wondered briefly exactly what you were doing. Surely you had a plan for the rest of the day. There must be a reason why you’re outside and not inside talking shit about the janitor.

“Hey brah, what are you doing?” you heard a feminine voice from behind you ask.

You glanced over your shoulder and spotted Lyra standing at the door, giving you a confused look.

“I don’t know,” you answered with a shrug, “I ask myself the same question everyday.”

She blinked, before bringing a hoof up to her chin and scratching it in thought. “Now that I think about, why am I out here?”

“Why are we here?” you asked your bro.

“How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real?” your bro responded, her face’s expressing morphing from a confused look to the look of somebody who is concerned by something they see in the distance.

You mimicked her expression. “Confucius says, if there are bread winners, there are bread losers. But how can you toast what isn’t real?”

“Dude…”

As the two of you stood there, contemplating philosophy and the metaphysical meaning of life, a quiet, buttermilk yellow pegasus wandered your way unnoticed. At least, she was unnoticed until she got close enough for you to hear her. By that point, you whipped around, nearly smacking her in the face with your rod of steel. Looking down, you saw a look of what could only be described as shocked arousal.

“Yo, what’s up bro?” you asked the shy pegasus, “yo, you realize you just had a chapter, right?”

“H-huh?”

“Nothing,” you said, your throbbing erection still inches away from her face, “what up fam?”

Still sweating and blushing, Fluttershy stuttered out a response.

“Well… I-I was in town to pick up some supplies, a-and I saw you… I thought I’d say hello, if it wasn’t too much trouble…”

She was doing her best to ignore the D, but the D made sure it would be seen.

“Supplies? You mean like booze?”

“I think she means weed, brah,” Lyra piped in.

“Well, actually I-”

“Nah bro,” you interrupted the pegasus, “she definitely here for booze. I showed her the magic of it the other day."

Lyra shook her head. “Dude, trust me, she’s here for weed, the quiet ones are always tokers.”

“Weird, most stoners can’t shut the fuck up about weed.”

“Fuck you, brah.”

“B-but I..!” Fluttershy attempted to clarify.

“So you admit you’re a stoner?” you asked with a smirk.

Your unicorn companion blinked. “No! Just-”

“Hah, I knew it! You stoner fuck!” you declared with a chortle, “by the way, you still owe me some brownies. You ate all of mine, you fucking stoner.”

Before Lyra could retort, you heard a soft voice attempt to chime in.

“Um, excuse me..?” Fluttershy whimpered out.

Oh wait, she was still here?

“Yo.”

“I didn’t come to get either of those… I needed to get some animal food and some... um… clothing…”

“Nigga, horses don’t wear clothes,” you pointed out bluntly.

At the mention of this, her face lit up red.

“T-they’re for the winter..!” She explained.

“It’s a bit late to be winter shopping, don’t you think?” Lyra pointed out with a raised brow.

“A zebra s-stole my winter clothes…” said the pegasus, looking dejected.

That seemed legit enough. Those damn ziggers could get really out of control.

After that was all sorted out, Fluttershy looked up at the both of you and spoke.

“So, are you doing anything today..?”

“Yeah, we’re trying to figure out what that is,” you answered.

“Plus we’re trying to figure out how mirrors can be real if our eyes aren’t,” Lyra threw in.

“Um… O-okay..?” the pale mare questioned.

“Do you know the answer?”

She shook her head, much to your disappointment. “You can join me… if that’s what you want.”

You thought for a moment. Was there anything you had to do? Finding the answers to you and Lyra’s questions was pretty high on your list, but it’s not like you had any way to find out. Well, there was always Twilight, but you definitely didn’t want to open up that can of worms. Might as well do something, and the thought of breaking this timid mare appealed to you quite a bit.

“Sure, why the fuck not? I need to get some new duds anyways, it’s fucking cold right now.”

“Maybe that’s because you have no pants on,” your unicorn bro pointed out, “oh, and by the way, nice cock brah.”

“Thanks homie,” you responded, before you summoned a pair of faded jeans to go with your scorpion jacket.

A real human bean, and a real hero.

You shrugged off the surprised stares of your company, and spoke.

“What’s the fucking plan, man?”

“Well…” Fluttershy mumbled. “I was thinking we could pick up my supplies, then grab something to eat afterwards.”

“Hit the bar? Sounds fucking great!”

“But I… Okay…”

“DO NOT WORRY, COMRADE FLUTTERSHY,” you said in a bad Russian accent as you grabbed the yellow pony and held her up in the air, “I WILL SHOW YOU WAYS OF BROSHIP. BY END OF DAY, YOU WILL BE REAL ORIGINAL GANGSTER!”

“Please put me down…” she begged quietly.

Lyra cheered as the three of you ran off to your first destination.

You burst through the door of that one fashion horse’s boutique, your two bros right behind, and shouted out at the top of your lungs, “HEY HEY HEY, WHERE ARE MY /FA/GGOTS?!”

“DID SOMEPONY SAY /FA/GGOT?”

You heard something shuffle in the next room before an alabaster unicorn wandered into the room, a giant smile plastered on her face. She took a moment to regain her composure after her outburst, cleared her throat, and spoke up.

“Nice scorpion jacket.”

“Thanks bro,” you responded, flashing her the thumbs up.

She grinned at your gesture as she gave your party a quick once over, before pausing as she spotted your barely noticeable pegasus companion.

“Fluttershy, is that you?”

“Huh?” Lyra asked in confusion, “No, I’m Lyra.”

“Not you, darling,” she said as she approached the yellow pony, “I didn’t know you had friends beyond the girls and I.”

Lyra gave Rarity a death glare, “Hey! I-”

Surprisingly, the possible autist of the group was the one to interrupt her this time.

“Oh, hello Rarity,” she said what would be considered a tone that was enthusiastic for her. “I just came here to look for something. Do you... um... remember what we talked about the other day?”

A look of recognition dawned on Rarity’s face.

“Ohoho… You’re looking for THAT, aren’t you?” she inquired, hardly containing her excitement.

Fluttershy let out an embarrassed sounding giggle.

“Y-yeah, t-that…”

Rarity couldn’t contain the smirk on her face.

“Oh please, Fluttershy, you don’t need to be embarrassed. Nopo--”

She glanced over at you.

“NoBODY here will judge you. Now come on! We’ll get you set up right away!”

You and Lyra watched as the two of them went upstairs.

Your unicorn companion cleared her throat, gaining your attention.

“Yo… what’s ‘that’?” Lyra inquired with a raised brow.

You shrugged. “You know, it’s just that thing you use.”

The two of you decided to kill time circlejerking (or linejerking, since there was only two of you) over stupid shit, which was basically what you did 24/7 anyways.

“Do you think Ziggerman did anything wrong?”

“No.”

A posh as hell voice echoes down from upstairs.

“Anon, could you please come up, dear?”

“Fuck no!”

“...please?”

“Fuck. Fine.”

You gave your companion a brofist and reluctantly followed the source of the alabaster unicorn’s voice. As you ascended the stairs to the second floor, you spotted the mare waiting for you outside of a closed door.

“Sup?” you inquired.

“Well, I know that despite the species barrier, you can be attracted to us… and I was wondering if I could get an opinion from someone of a different gender?” the seamstress responded with a grin.

“I think I like where this is going.”

“I’m sure you will. Now, feast your eyes on my latest work!” Rarity declared as she yanked the door to the room open with her magic.

OH DAMN SON.

Your jaw dropped at the sight behind the door. Facing away from you was Fluttershy, dressed in something you’d never have expected to see her in. Well, any of the ponies, for that matter. Underwear. Frilly, lacy underwear. The material was near transparent; and the color, what was that? Ah, white. The color of the gods.

And cum.

That shit was nearly skin tight, much more than any fancy underwear you’d seen before. The fact that it was translucent didn’t help much to mask anything, either. This was especially apparent when it came to the space in between her haunches. You could see just a bit of a darker color where her pussy began. A deep crease made it’s way up to where a much rounder shape could be seen. The ponut, as you liked to refer to it.

“This is lewd,” you pointed out the obvious.

Apparently that was enough to get the oblivious mare out of her trance; when you spoke, she turned around faster than you’d ever seen her move before. Then, like a fainting goat, she fell to her back, still conscious.

“This isn’t the time or place to do the flop, Fluttershy.”

Rarity walked up from behind you.

“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…”

“My dick disagrees with your analysis,” you said, motioning down to your nether regions.

You noticed the prone mare twitch.

“R-rarity… What…” she stuttered out.

With an uncomfortable look on her face, the fashion designer responded.

“W-well… I needed to get his opinion on the underwear… I didn’t mean for you to be aware of his presence. I suppose I really should’ve asked you first.”

All this talking wasn’t making your cock any less hard.

It definitely wasn’t helping Fluttershy, either. Almost her entire face was beet red as she laid on the floor and stared at the Anonymous Monument, which showed very obviously through your tight jeans.

“A-a-a-a-” Fluttershy stammered.

“Huh...” you glanced down at your crotch, before looking back up at the pegasus, “it looks like Lil’ Anon wants to say hello to you, Fluttershy.”

FreakoutMode.exe

With speed rivaling that of a jet airplane, Fluttershy shot up to her hooves.

“N-n-n-no..! Th-this isn’t wh-wh-wh-what it looks like..!”

You gave the lewdly dressed pegasus a look.

This bitch.

“Your ass looks really nice in that, bro.”

She did her best to press her backside against the wall.

“D-d-don’t look… I-” The pony was cut off when she bumped into some of Rarity’s equipment. Nothing could be done as it fell to the floor with a resounding clang. What came next was possibly the funniest thing you had seen all month: after making the most realistic horse noise you had heard since you got here, Fluttershy collapsed to the ground once more, ass in the air this time, and totally unconscious.

You immediately doubled over and burst out laughing.

“LYRA!” you called to your bro downstairs, “COME UP HERE, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS SHIT!”

Your bro shot up the stairs, almost faster than Fluttershy had moved earlier.

She took a few moments to take in the scene before her, before she responded in the same way you did.

“HAHA, HOLY SHIT!” she managed to get out, “Dude, what’d you do?”

“I complimented her nice ass, of course.”

Rarity gave the two of you a disgusted look. “The two of you are horrid friends.”

You took a break from laughing your ass off and gave her a condescending look much like a certain balding, baseball bat wielding comedian would. “Who said we were Fluttershy’s friends? We’re her bros. We’re supposed to treat each other like shit.”

Your unicorn companion nodded in agreement.

“Don’t you think that that’s a little… much? I mean, especially with somepony as sensitive as Fluttershy. All I’m saying is that maybe you should be a bit more… I don’t know, considerate?”

“Nah.”

“Nope.”

“Yellow Hush is actually surprisingly bro-tier,” you stated, “she can take my top tier bants pretty well.”

With that said, you made your way over to your fallen bro. You paused a moment to take in her amazing ass, complemented by a perfect pair of panties (you were still unsure why a horse who didn’t wear clothes would even need panties, but that wasn’t important), and imprinted it in your mind, before attempting to rouse the mare.

“Get up faggot, I need booze.”

It took a few minutes, but eventually she began to stir.

“Nngh.. mmph..? Wha..?” came a muffled voice.

“Booze, whisky, tequila, beer! Alcohol, you get me?” you stated impatiently.

“You don’t even like tequila,” Lyra pointed out.

“Fuck you bitch, I’m that desperate!” you shouted at your bro, “It’s been, like, an hour or something since I last had a drink, and I left my emergency flask at home.”

“How did you even forget to do that? You know what a terrible idea that is!” the mare asked.

“When I got booty on the mind, nothing else matters, baby.”

A pain made itself apparent in your head. Your alcohol level was dangerously low. If you didn’t get some in you fast, there was no telling what the consequences would be.

“FUCK!” you cried, before you grabbed the quiet pegasus and began shaking her,

“COME ON MAN, I NEED LIQUOR, OR I’LL EXPLODE OR SOME SHIT!”

“What if you exploded and then exploded again?” Lyra suggested with an amused grin.

Your eyes widened with a mix of fear and shock. “OH FUCK.”

Realizing just how dire your current situation was, you slung Fluttershy over your shoulder (who was still wearing her panties) and grabbed up your bro, holding her under your arm.

“H-hey, shouldn’t you buy me some dinner before manhandling me?”

“THERE’S NO TIME!” you shouted in response, before you took a moment to pause and look down at the unicorn, whose face was now dyed a dark shade of crimson.

“Uh… n-no hetero?”

She merely nodded in response, saying nothing.

Feeling much more confident in your actions now, you turned on the alabaster unicorn and began to stomp towards her.

“Choo choo! All aboard the Anonymous Express!”

“No Anon, no!”

You charged through the streets of Ponyville, still carrying the three ponies along with you. You probably would’ve laughed at the thought of how ridiculous the four of you must’ve looked, but the pounding in your head was starting to fog up your thinking.

“FUCK! WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SALTY SAILOR?!”

“You passed it like fifteen minutes ago,” you heard Lyra speak up, “I tried to tell you, but everytime I tried to speak, you’d interrupt me by shouting something about a large Mexican dressed like a ballerina.”

“GOD DAMMIT!” you cursed, before you took a deep breath and regained your composure, “It looks like I’m going to have to use… ‘it’.”

“What’s ‘it’?” Rarity inquired from her position between your left arm and your torso.

“‘It’ is ‘it’. You use ‘it,’” you answered.

“Okay…?”

You took another deep breath, closed your eyes, and began to concentrate on ‘it’.

To use ‘it’, you had to feel ‘it’. You had to be ‘it’.

With a determined scream, you activated ‘it’. Your previously limp dick grew four times it’s already large size and pointed in the direction of the closest bar.

God, you loved your booze senses. ‘It’ was truly your greatest ally. Without any further wait, you followed your compass cock to your destination. The rest of the trip went by relatively quietly as you walked through the twists and turns of Ponyville.

You felt your member begin to throb. The bar was getting close. You could hardly contain your excitement.

What kind of bar would it be? Only time could tell. The throbs started to pick up the closer you got. Finally, you came face to face with the establishment. A faint, flashing red light could be seen from the front of your pants, signifying your arrival.

Looking up at the sign, you read the name out loud.

“Spook’s Watering Hole,” you placed down the three mares you were carrying, “I bet they have a zebra bartender.”

Rarity cocked her head. “What makes you say that, dear?”

With an air of confidence, you responded, “I’ve seen enough bars to know this kind of thing.”

Lyra jumped in, agreeing, “I can back him up on that.”

“Well, what the fuck are we waiting for? Let’s get the fuck in there!” you bellowed, whipping out your sword and charging in headfirst.

Opening the door with your cock, you put Lil’ Anon away and entered the bar, the three mares in your party right behind you. You glanced about, located the bar, and made a beeline for it, leaving your companions behind. By the time they had caught up to you and occupied the stools beside you, you were already on your third shot.

“I was right. It’s a zebra!”

“Sup fam? Wanna listen to my mixtape?” the zebra asked you and your companions, “It’s straight fire.”

“Wanna listen to mine?” You dug into your pocket and pulled out your mixtape. “Its the musical sounds of my ass and me masturbating.”

“Oh! Oh!” Lyra perked up, whipping out her own mixtape, “I have mine with me. It’s ninety straight minutes of me making fart noises and saying the word ‘helicopter’.”

“Cool ziggas, let’s trade.”

You took the zebra’s mixtape off of him, before you and Lyra handed over yours.

Little did he know, the music on that tape really was the sounds of your ass and you masturbating.

And what musical sounds they were.

“And get me another drink while you’re at it!” you demanded as you pounded on the table.

“Aight cuz, just chill,” said the bartender, reaching for a bottle.

In a matter of seconds, your drink was ready to go. With the urgency of a man who hadn’t drank water in a week, you grabbed the glass and chugged down its contents, finishing it off with a loud, manly belch.

“FUCK YEAH, BRAH!” Lyra cheered at your display. Rarity looked on with disgust, and nobody cared what Fluttershy’s reaction was.

“ALRIGHT!” you began, “BARKEEP, TWO MORE!”

The zebra did as he was told, getting out a second glass and filling it with your own. He slid them both to you, and you turned to Rarity.

“Drink up,” you said flatly.

“Excuse me?” the white unicorn asked, taken off guard.

“You. Me. Drink.” you explained to her.

“Anonymous, do you really expect that I’d partake in such activities at this time of the day?”

“Yeah, probably. Plus everyone folds under peer pressure.”

“Yeah Rarity! Take a drink!” Lyra probed.

“Yeah bro… drink…” you heard the lone pegasus in your party prompt, already beginning to get drunk herself.

“DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!” You chanted.

“DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!” Lyra joined in.

“Drink… Drink…” came Fluttershy’s weak chant.

A small smirk came to Rarity’s face.

“Alright, alright, I don’t see the harm in one little drink…” she said with a small giggle.

“One?! Shit bro, even Fluttershy’s drinking more than that. Stop being a pussy.”

“Well, we’ll just see what happens, okay darkling?” the purple maned mare said.

“Good enough for me,” you said with a shrug, before waving over the bartender, “get us four glasses and a bottle of smirnoff.”

“Aight fam,” he responded, before fucking off.

Eventually, he came back with the items you requested. You passed a glass to each of the table’s members. The liquid was poured into each glass, and the bottle placed on the table.

“Alright fags, lets drink!” You cheered, picking up your glass.

Everybody else picked up their glasses, and downed them all within a few seconds. You uncapped the bottle and refilled each of the glasses as soon as they were put back down. You all rose the drinks to your mouths and emptied them into your bodies once more. Surprisingly, you had no trouble getting Rarity to comply.

This process continued at least five more times, everyone getting drunker as time flew by. Soon, much too soon, the bottle was empty, but at least everyone was shitfaced.

For the past ten minutes you had been playing rock, paper, scissors with Lyra. It didn’t occur to you until five minutes in that Lyra didn’t have the necessary tools to play, and it took you the other five to realize why this was an issue.

You exactly weren’t the brightest person. At least, you weren’t when you were drunk.

Then again... when weren’t you drunk?

Shrugging this off, you looked over to the bartender, who was leaned over the table, talking to Fluttershy.

“Ayy gurl, das’ some nice underwear you got there,” The zigger uttered.

The mare simply giggled obliviously and responded, “Underwear..? I don’t know what you mean…”

The zebra attempted to gain her affection for a little while longer to no avail.

“Y’all drunk bitches ain’t even worth my time…” he sighed as he went back to the beer racks.

Fucking beta doesn’t know how to do anything right. You’ll show him how real niggas get pussy.

You leaned towards the pegasus, and started a conversation with her like any true gentleman should.

“Sup’ bitch?”

“I… I think the ceiling is…” she pondered.

This bitch...

“Nah, my dick’s up, get what I’m saying?”

“That doesn’t sound too healthy… W… would you like me to take a look..?” she slurred out.

This fucking bitch.

“Yeah girl, what do you think I’m getting at?” you said with your trademark shit-eating grin.

“H..here… Let me get a closer look…”

Hell yeah nigga, you in. 2k15 you made it.

You stood up, letting your third leg stand to its full length, nearly ripping through your pants. The drunk pegasus shakily got to her hooves as well, ready to “inspect” the protrusion.

“Oh… my… it looks… Swollen…” she noted, hoof to her mouth.

Damn right it’s swollen.

“A… Anon… I don’t mean to be… l-lewd, but could you, um… take off… your pants? I need a closer look...”

“Damn girl, in front of everybody? That’s some kinky shit.”

“O-oh..! I didn’t consider that… Would you like to… to do it somewhere more… pri… priv… private?”

You expected Rarity to pop in and cockblock you at this point, but as you looked her way, you noticed she was doing her best to ignore the two of you.

What a bro.

Damn, the night barely got started and you were already about to score.

You’re a fucking stone cold pimp.

“Fan-fucking-tastic, let’s do this!” you shouted, beginning towards the bathroom.

However, just as you were lifting your foot, you spotted an aquamarine streak in Fluttershy’s direction. A loud smack echoed through the bar, and you turned your head.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeugh…”

The fuck was that? When you turned all the way back over, you saw Fluttershy laying on the floor, and Lyra standing over her with a hoof raised.

“NANI?!”

“There were these…” she paused, as if in thought, “HUGE-ASS butterflies eating away at her! I had to do something!”

COCK BLOCKED BY YOUR OWN BRO?!

WHAT A TWIST!

“By the way Fluttershy… you know you’re still wearing those panties from earlier, right?”

“What…?” the mare responded, tilting her head in confusion.

“You know, the ones that are see through and perfectly compliment your ass. It’s certainly getting a lot of attention.”

“He’s quite right, dear,” Rarity threw in.

“Oh… oh no...” was the only response from the yellow mare on the floor. “Th-this can’t be real..!” She began trying to back up against the bar, attempting to hide her clothing from unwanted eyes.

“C’mon, you look GREAT in them!” you informed her.

Fluttershy stuttered out a rebuttal, “I-I don’t like everyone looking at me like this… W-when I’m w-wearing… this…”

She looked up, noticing you, Lyra, the bartender, Rarity, and at least three other bar patrons staring at her. The stallions were staring at her ass more than anything else, and you…

You were staring through her booty’s soul.

Apparently she didn’t like that very much either, because she got up and bolted for the bathroom faster than you could even register.

“You think she’s still up for sex?” you asked Rarity.

“I don’t think she is, Anon. In fact, I think I should probably go check on her to make sure she’s alright. I’ll be but a minute, if you would excuse me.” She informed, getting off of her stool and heading for the restroom.

With her now gone, you turned on your bro. “Dude, what the fuck?”

“Hey man, bros before hoes,” she responded with a grin.

“But-” you stopped yourself from saying anything else. She was right, as according to the Bro Code, abandoning a bro for a hoe (even if said bro was a hoe) was unacceptable.

In the pursuit for booty, you had almost forsaken your values and morals.

You hung your head in shame. “You’re right, thank you for showing me the way, bro.”

“It’s nothing but a G thang, bruh,” she responded as she gave you a quick, yet affectionate brohug, before she slid over another drink to you, “why don’t you have another drink, fam?”

“Thanks fam,” you smiled gratefully at the unicorn as you took the glass in your palm, “you are truly my greatest ally.”

You took a moment to examine the glass you were handed, which was filled to the brim with some sort of hard liquor. The alcohol content was so high, it was burning your nostrils from two feet away.

Must’ve been brandy.

Bitchin’.

“BOTTOMS UP!” you shouted like a retard, before bringing the glass up to your lips and drinking it down in one go.

Your mouth and throat immediately began to burn, and you almost coughed up your drink like freshman white girl in college.

“Woah…”

Before you realized what was going on, the world began to spin around you.

“Wooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaah…”

“Ayo zigga, quit spinning in my stool!” you heard the bartender call out to you.

You stopped spinning around in your chair like a retard and turned towards your bro, intent on stirring up some quality banter between the two of you.

!

“DUDE!” you exclaimed in shock.

“Sup?” Lyra inquired, taking a drink from her beer.

“There’s… like… two of you,” you pointed out, suddenly feeling very tired

She looked your way with a raised brow. “Huh?”

You snickered to yourself for no apparent reason. “Hey… maybe the two of you should get down from there and give me a double brojob under the bar… brojob... brojob... CHOO CHOO!”

The mare spat out the beer that was currently occupying her mouth, her cheeks turning a dark shade of crimson. “H-HUH?!”

You continued to snicker to yourself as you laid your head on the bar. “N-no hetero… I guess…”

“W-well, it’s not like I would mind, Anon…”

“Heh… yeah bro, that would be cool,” you muttered sleepily, before you picked up on what she had said, “wait… what?”

You didn’t hear her response, as the world around you went dark and your body slumped over the bar.

You really shouldn’t have drank that brandy.

“Aye fam… you cool?”

You slowly lifted up from the bar and glanced towards the source of the voice. You spotted a concerned looking zebra behind the bar looking over you.

You hoped he didn’t steal your bike.

“Yeah bro, I’m fucking fantastic!” you declared as you waved off his concerns.

“Aight.”

You took another drink from your beer as the bartender wandered off, before you examined your surroundings. You were in a bar, albeit an unfamiliar one. You assumed it was the new bar that had just opened downtown.

A lot of new bars opening these days… not that you were complaining or anything.

You glanced off to the right, spotting Fluttershy and Rarity sitting beside you, talking about some random bullshit you could give less of a fuck about. Both were pretty shitfaced, much to your shock and amusement.

Hell, Yellow Hush looked as shitfaced as you usually were.

However… you realized something was missing.

Was it Big Mac? Probably. For a story that’s supposed to be about Anon and Big Mac, the readers don’t seem very interested in the other main character.

You should probably pay that faggot a visit before he starts feeling lonely or some shit.

Your gut, however, was telling you it was something else.

As your drunken brain struggled to figure out what was wrong, you felt something brush against your left arm.

“Brah… I totally just accidentally the colt’s bathroom…” you heard Lyra say.

You glanced her way and flashed her a questioning look. “You did what?”

“I accidentally it.”

Before you could say anything else, you felt something tug on your shirt.

“Um… Anon…?”

You turned towards the source of the voice, finding your beta pegasus companion looking up at you expectantly.

“Sup G?” you inquired as you took another shot.

She motioned over to the passed out form of Rarity. “Could you help me take her home… if you don’t mind, of course…”

“No prob, dude. You guys can crash at my place if you want. We’re like a block or two away from my apartment,” you offered.

“Are you sure it wouldn’t be too much trouble…?”

“None at all,” you answered with a smile, “I’d do anything for my bros.”

“Oh… well thank you, Anon…” the mare returned your smile.

“Ain’t nothin’ but a G thang, bruh. Just let me finish my-”

“HEY!” you heard somebody shout from the restrooms, “WHO THE FUCK ACCIDENTALLY THE MALE’S BATHROOM?!”

“NO TIME, BRAH, LET’S GO!” Lyra ordered frantically, jumping down from her stool in a hurry.

“B-but m-muh booze,” you whimpered like a sniveling child.

“Don’t worry dude, I’ll make it up to you when we get home,” she said, flashing you a toothy grin, “Grab the bitch so we can cheese it!”

“Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine,” you agreed reluctantly. You rose from your stall and grabbed the passed out unicorn, slinging her over your shoulder, “you better have something good in mind, bro.”

“Don’t worry bruh, I got you,” your bro promised, “let’s just get out of here.”

Your bro’s promise brought your spirits back up. “AIGHT NIGGA, LET’S BOUNCE!”

“Bitches and hoes are like new clothes,” the three of you sang together as you strided through the streets of Ponyville like a pimp trio, “once you bought em, you wish you never got-”

“OH SNAP!” Lyra suddenly exclaimed, bringing you musical number to an end.

“What?” you asked with a tilted head.

“IT’S FUCKING HITLER!” she answered you, pointing beyond you.

!

You followed the mare’s hoof, and low and behold, there stood the leader of the Third Reich himself.

Mother fucking Adolf Hitler.

“Act cool…” you said to your two bros.

You placed your thumbs in your belt, began to whistle dixie, and continued to pimp stride. Lyra did her best to imitate you, but soon remembered she lacked the thumbs and the belt to do the ‘I’m in charge here’ look, so she opted to just whistle.

Fluttershy really didn’t need to do anything because half the time nobody realized she even existed.

“Sup?” you asked casually as you passed the former dictator.

“Mien balls are blue,” he responded.

“Sucks bruh,” you sympathized with him.

You watched the Fuhrer continue on and eventually disappear over your shoulder. Once he was gone, you turned towards the aquamarine unicorn with an inquisitive glance.

“Dude, how did you know that was Hitler?” you questioned.

“Who?”

“Dude, was that Hitler?” you heard Rarity slur out as she awoke from her drunken slumber.

“Forget it, we’re here,” you said with an eye roll as your party walked up to the front of your shitty apartment. You approached the apartment’s entrance, retrieved your keys out of your pocket, and fumbled with them as you struggled to unlock the front door.

Finally, after a good minute or two of fucking around, you managed to get the door open. You stumbled inside, your two bros right behind.

!

Your foot slipped on something, likely a discarded booze bottle. You fell forward, unable to recover from your fuck up, and landed face first. The mare you were carrying somehow managed to land on her hooves, despite her drunken state.

“HI FLOOR!” you greeted the floor that likely just gave you a concussion, “MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH!”

“Anon!” Fluttershy called out with concern as she rushed to your side, “Are you okay?”

“He’s fine,” Lyra stated, “nice one bro, I’ll give it a light nine. If you did a flip, I may have given you a solid ten.”

You rose off the floor and flashed your mate a toothy grin. “Thanks bro, I’ll try harder next time.”

“That’s all I can ask of you, bruh.”

“I-I love you brah,” you said, the large amount of booze inside of you making you intensely emotional, “n-no hetero.”

“Y-You too homie,” she stuttered out in response like your average /fit/izen, before outstretching her hooves towards you, “get over here and give me a hug, nigga.”

You rose off the floor, ignoring the concussion you likely gave yourself by falling like a retard, and approached your bro, your arms extended towards her. The mare threw herself (well, more like drunkenly stumbled and collapsed) into your arms, which you which closed around her. You felt your bro sigh contently into your chest as she wrapped her hooves around your waist, giving you a tight affectionate squeeze.

?

You felt another pair of hooves wrap around you and embrace you. For a moment, you entertained the thought that your broship with Lyra caused her to grow an extra pair of hooves just to give a more bromantic brohug, but upon looking down, you spotted a certain butter yellow pegasus wrapping her hooves around the two of you.

“Hey *hic* bro, I-I hope you don’t mind me joining…”

You grinned down at your pegasus bro. “Not at all fam. Not at all.”

There was nothing more better than engaging in non-heterosexual bromance with your bro. Hell, you’d even argue that bromance was better than vodka and streaking.

Truly, these were the best of times.

!

“H-hey!” you cried out in shock, “who touched my ass?!”

“Me. Probably,” the aquamarine unicorn responded casually.

“I-I may have wanted to get a piece of that ass…” you heard Fluttershy answer quietly.

“L-lewd,” you muttered lightly under your breath.

As the three of you shared in an intense, bromantic brohug, you heard somebody clear their throat. You glanced towards the source of the sound to find Rarity standing there, levitating the bastard bottle that you slipped on earlier in front of her.

“Might I make a suggestion for an evening activity?” she inquired with a smirk.

You joined the other three members of your party in a circle around the empty handle of vodka, a fresh beer in your hand.

You glared at the traitorous bottle with a disgusted feeling in your gullet. This empty bottle used to be your greatest ally, but it had stabbed you in the back by tripping you in a manner that did not allow you to do a flip, earning you a measly light nine from your bro.

In time, you would have your revenge. But, for now, you needed it…

“Alright niggas,” you spoke up, “who’s up first?”

“...I think Rarity should go first… since she came with the idea…” the one pegasus in the room suggested quietly.

“Aight. It’s ladies first, anyways.”

“Hey… I’m a chick, dude,” Lyra pointed out.

“Implying,” you said with a condescending look.

However, Rarity shook her head. “Actually darling, I think you should go first.”

“...are you sure?”

The white pony nodded in affirmation.

“Well… if you insist…”

The yellow pegasus reached out a tentative hoof towards the empty vodka handle that sat idly in the middle of your circle. She placed her hoof against the neck of the bottle, and with a deep breath, pushed against it, sending the bottle into a spin.

You watched the glass object spin about, gradually losing its momentum. The bottle slowed and came to a halt, landing on Rarity.

“Okay Rarity… truth or dare?”

The mare took a moment to ponder the question, before giving an answer. “Dare.”

Fluttershy gave her a look, before she picked up a conveniently placed sharpie and held it out to her. “I dare you to stick this in your butt.”

"IT BEGINS!" you blurted out like an autistic manchild.

You took a drink of your beer, watching on as Rarity grabbed the sharpie out of the pegasus’s hoof, examining it with a grimace.

“But I poop from there…” the mare protested.

“Not today you don’t,” Lyra commented with an amused grin. She raised her hoof for a high-five, which you immediately slapped.

The prissy mare examined the sharpie for a few more seconds, before looking at the three of you. “Can I lube it up first?”

“No,” you all replied in unison.

Rarity huffed as she examined the marker further. She’d get the occasional demand to hurry up, but despite the vocalizations, her slow pace remained.

“C’mon Rarity! Get on with it! I’m starting to think you’ve never done this before!” jeered Lyra.

The purple maned unicorn stopped.

“Excuse me… what was that?” she questioned.

“I said get on with it!” your bro replied.

“No,” Rarity started, “The last part, dear.”

Lyra grinned as she repeated her question. “I asked if you’ve even ever done this. Everybody’s stuck something in their pooper before. I’m sure even Yellow Hush here has.”

Everyone turned to look at the yellow horse, who was about to peel a banana. When she noticed the gazes of the occupants, she froze. She looked to the fruit, then to all of you, then back to the banana. Then, she slowly hid an embarrassed smile behind her hoof.

“Enough confirmation for me,” you stated.

“Hell, Anon here has probably shoved a thing or two up his ass, especially considering how many dildos that he’s got stashed in random places in our apartment.”

“Hey, fuck you man,” you jabbed a finger into your bro’s chest, “Those dildos are for the ladies and makeshift luffa use only. The only time I’ve used one on myself was as a back scratcher.”

“Whatever you say, bruh,” Lyra snickered, “whatever you say.”

And at that moment, nobody knew you farted.

“Oh, you don’t think I can handle it, huh? Well, I’ll show you!” the fashion pony exclaimed. With a glow of her horn, she took the marker in her magical field, and levitated the writing instrument to her backside.

“OH BOY!” you exclaimed with childlike glee, “HERE WE GO!”

Rarity rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes… I’m sure you’re enjoying yourself.”

You shifted yourself to get a better view of the events that were about to unfold.

“Nigga, pass the popcorn,” you heard Lyra whisper into your ear.

“I don’t got any popcorn, bruh.”

“Oh…” you heard a disappointed reply.

“I got booze, though,” you said as you passed over your beer to her.

“Bitchin’.”

With that, the mare lifted her tail out of the way, giving the whole room a front row seat to a view of her pussy and asshole.

“U-unf…” came the grunt from your mouth.

“O-okay… You can do this, Rarity…” she reassured herself, repeatedly thrusting the marker towards her anus and stopping less than an inch away from the sensitive flesh.

“Pussy!” you chided the mare.

“Just stick it in already!” You heard Lyra exclaim.

Not a word was said from the center of attention as she finally took the marker back one last time, and at an astonishing speed, thrust it towards herself.

“eeEEP-!”

The plastic tube quickly tunneled its way into her rectum as Rarity let out a small grunt.

“S-seeEE? It’s eaHEsy-!”

“Uh… Rarity…?” Fluttershy spoke up, “You know you’re supposed to ease it in… right… otherwise it could be… well… extremely painful…”

“FOR YOU!” both you and Lyra burst out like a couple out autists, before doubling over laughing.

“I-I’m sorry F-flutershy, but I cOUldn’t hear you ooover… ngh… the sound of me winning...!”

“Nigga, you can’t really “win” at truth or dare…” Lyra informed.

“Yeah dude, you just get closer and closer to winning every time,” you threw in.

The marker continued to make its way past her sphincter, going ever deeper.

“I mEEAN… that I’m prOOving that I can do this!” Rarity moaned out.

“Uhh… we can tell that you are definitely used to this, bro…” You stated.

“...this is lewd…” Fluttershy silently commented.

Soon enough, the unicorn’s grunts and moans stopped, and she breathed a sigh of relief.

“So?” She asked in a strained voice, tears brimming at the corners of her eyes. You and the rest of the room looked over to Rarity’s exposed ass.

“Ho… ly… shit.” You said softly. It was hard to see, but certainly there. Only the smallest bit of the marker could be seen poking out of her asshole.

“S-so Anon, how did I do? Pretty well if I do say so myself.” she asked, a hint of pride showing through her pained voice.

“That was really lewd,” was all you could say.

While you were talking, you noticed that the last bits of the bottom of the marker were disappearing into the mare’s insides. Now THAT was going to be something to groan in pain about. Especially when the doctor would have to get in there with a pair of pliers. Sometimes having hooves was not the best thing for a society. Either way, you weren’t about to pass up an excuse to play hero.

Or the chance to get l-lewd with Rarity’s ass.

“Alright!” Lyra suddenly said, interrupting your lewd thoughts, “who’s next?” She looked around, expecting a reply from someone. When nobody spoke up, she shrugged. “Aight, I guess I’m going next.” She put her hoof on the bottle, and with a quick flick, made it spin. A few seconds passed before the bottle stopped spinning.

“Aaaand the lucky winner is…”

You looked at the bottle, which was pointed at you.

“Anon!” Lyra shouted.

“Dare!” you proclaimed, not even waiting for her to ask, “I like to live dangerously.”

Lyra gave a mischievous smile. “Okay then… I dare you to whip it out in front of Rarity!”

“WHAT?!” the unicorn’s jaw dropped.

You scoffed. “You serious? I can do that in my sleep!”

Your bro leaned over to Fluttershy. “He really can, and has. He has sleepwalking issues sometimes.”

The yellow pegasus’s wings twitched, but she managed to keep them down.

While they discussed that, you were already standing in front of Rarity, unzipping your pants.
“A-anonymous, I implore you to stop this..!” she said, stumbling over her words.

“It is too late, Rarity, IT WAS ALWAYS TOO LATE!” You yelled as your dick flew out of your pants, shooting just a bit past her head, then whipping itself at her face. Your soft member collided with her cheek, sending ripples through it. An uproar of laughter and cheers echoed from where Lyra and Fluttershy were sitting. With a chuckle, you zipped your pants up and went back to your seat, leaving Rarity in stunned silence.

“Okay Rarity, you’re up next! Go on and spin the bottle!” Lyra laughed out.

The proper unicorn took a little while to compose herself before looking back to the group.

“Gladly…” she agreed with a frown. Unlike Lyra, Rarity opted to spin the bottle with her magic. After a quick motion, the bottle began to spin again.

“Come on, pick me…” Lyra said to herself excitedly.

“H-hey, I haven’t gotten a turn yet, it should pick me..!” opposed Fluttershy.

“No way, it likes me more!” the mint colored unicorn rebutted.

As for you, you had a rare moment of clarity and wondered just why the hell they both thought that the bottle had the ability to choose for itself. Besides, everyone knows it would always choose you if it could. Within seconds the argument was over, and everyone diverted their attention to the bottle. The neck of it pointed at Lyra.

“Told you, banana quiet!” Lyra said with a massive grin.

“Hmph…” Fluttershy pouted in return.

“Alright Rarity, I think seeing as everyone else here has chosen dare so far, I’m gonna go with truth to mix it up.”

“Pussy,” you said without blinking an eye.

“Yeah whatever,” she waved off your comments, “Lay it on me, Rara!”

“If you insist!” Rarity replied with a sinister snicker. “So, Lyra darling, you must have your eye on somepony at the moment, right? Or perhaps someone outside of the race border?” for the fastest moment, she turned her head towards you.

“Are you hitting on me?” the aquamarine unicorn inquired with a raised brow, not catching on.

“W-wait, pardon..?”

“I mean, you’re hot and all, but I like dudes,” she said with a shrug, “you should hit on Anon. He’s got a pretty nice cock.”

“Thanks bruh,” you said, grinning at her compliment.

“Anytime dude, bros for life,” she returned your grin and held her hoof out towards you, “pound it, nigga.”

You bumped your bros hoof and brought the mare in for a quick brohug. “That’s what it’s all about, man,” you whispered into her ear.

“Going back to earlier, Lyra… that’s exactly what I meant! Are there any, a-hem, “dudes” that have your eye? Pony or…” the mare paused and subtly tilted her head over to you, “...otherwise?”

Through your blurred vision, you could make out Lyra’s huge pupils shrink to the size of pinpricks.

“I-It’s… possible, I mean… Well…” she trailed.

“No worries, dear. You’re among friends, we won’t judge!” came the attempted assurance of Rarity. However, despite her efforts, your unicorn bro remained a nervous pile of mush. Deciding to take a different approach, the prissy unicorn spoke up once again.

“You don’t have to give us a name, dear. Here, lets start with this: What does he look like?”

“What’s his cock look like?” Fluttershy spoke up. You gave yourself a quick pat on the back for doing such a nice job corrupting the quiet pegasus in such a short time.

As much as she didn’t want to admit it, Rarity wanted to know this, too.

“He has a nice cock-!” Lyra said on impulse.

You laughed.

“My cock’s probably ten times the cock his cock is!” you boasted, flexing your penis muscles. Or at least you tried to.

“W-well-” Lyra tried to speak again.

Before she had a chance to continue, you threw an arm around her.

“Ain’t that right, bro?” you said with a grin.

“They’re really… the same… so.. yeah...” she said, starting to rub her legs together.

“What was that, bro? Didn’t hear you.”

The mare’s eyes began to dart around the room, a heavier blush and sweat beginning to take over her face. Her hooves were beginning to sweat and felt heavy, as her knees began to feel weak. All she was missing was a sweater with her mom’s recently thrown up spaghetti on it.

“Uuhh….” she groaned, rubbing her legs together faster. Lyra began to bite her lower lip. Soon, she darted to her hooves and turned to the direction of your bathroom. “IGOTTAMASTURBATE’LLBERIGHTBACK!” she cried as she dashed for the toilet.

You looked over to where she was once sitting. The floor in that area was now covered in a clear, wet spot.

“Well that was sudden… and lewd,” you commented.

The three of you waited in drunken silence until the unicorn returned from the bathroom several minutes later, her body damp with sweat and her face expressing satisfaction.

“That’s better! Anyways, it’s your spin, Anon.” she said, sitting back down in her spot.

“Oh fuck yeah.” you stated, reaching out for the bottle and giving it a spin.

The bottle rotated on it’s side for a matter of seconds before slowing down and landing on a target.

“Looks like you’re next on the chopping block, Flutterfag!” you informed.

“My name’s Flutter-”

“Okay butterfly ass, truth or dare?”

Realizing it would be hopeless to keep arguing, the pale yellow mare contemplated her choice. She thought for a bit, and decided that it might be fun to see just what kind of dare you could come up with.

“Okay, I think I’ll choose dare.” she said.

You grinned, a sense of glee overtaking you. This was the perfect time to take advantage of the current situation.

“Rarity over there looks like she’s in a bit of distress. I think you should help her.”

“You sure she should be helping her?” Lyra spoke up, “She looks like she’s beginning to enjoy it.”

You paused, then your smile grew even bigger.

“Then she’ll just be helping her in a different way!” You looked to Fluttershy. “I dare you to take out that marker…” You started to trail off.

“That’s… easy enough…” the pegasus began to say, a bit of red creeping to her face.

“...with your mouth,” you finished.

Both mares yelled at the same time. “WHAT?!”

You and Lyra, on the other hand, bursted out laughing. Both mares looked at each other for a few long seconds, before Rarity turned back to you, irritation present in her eyes.

“A-anonymous! This has to be against the rules! You can only dare one of us at a time!” the unicorn snarled.

With another smirk, you rebutted. “You know as well as I do that this is completely in line with the rules. Now, do you guys accept, or are you gonna chicken out?”

“W-well, I accept...” Came the soft, drunken voice of Fluttershy.

“HELL YEAH!” You cheered.

Rarity stared at both of you, mouth agape.

“F-Fluttershy, I would have never expected you to…” Rarity stammered.

“Are you a chicken, Rarity..? A-are you going to back out?” The normally shy pegasus jeered.

The unicorn began to speak, before being interrupted.

“I mean, it’s… okay if you want to. I w-won’t be the one who would be remembered as being too afraid to go through with the dare…” Fluttershy continued.

Gritting her teeth in anger, Rarity finally broke. “Alright, alright! I’ll do it!” She shifted her full focus to the mare that was jeering her. “Fluttershy, we start now!”

“Ready when you are…” replied the mare in question with a drunken giggle.

With that, Rarity turned her ass to Fluttershy, lifting her tail to expose her more private areas. The marker had sunken into her rectum a small amount since the last time you saw it.

“Here we go!” you shouted, more excited than a child on Christmas Eve. The only thing you regretted was not having a camera.

Fluttershy let out a hiccup and a giggle, and mumbled. “Whatever you say… boss…” She began to lean forward, slowly inspecting the marker buried in Rarity’s anus. In no time at all, Fluttershy was mere inches away from her friend’s most intimate body parts.

“H-hey..! Watch your breathing back there!” Rarity whined, feeling Fluttershy’s hot breath on her genitals. The light yellow pony didn’t respond, remaining focused on the goal at hand. She leaned forward just a bit more, opening her mouth and finally closing the distance between her face and the marker. She clamped her teeth on the tip of it, then wrapped her lips around it, lightly brushing them against the white unicorn’s outer ring.

“N-now then, we can just start off slow and- ah-!” Rarity stopped as she felt a pulling sensation from inside of her turd cutter. “I wasn’t read-EEE!”

Fluttershy, mostly oblivious to her friend’s plight, continued to pull the intruding object out of her friend. However, just as she began making decent progress, she was met with a great resistance. “Hmm?”

“Try harder, faggot!” you goaded on the mare.

Rarity began to moan as Fluttershy increased the force of her pulls.

“Nnngh… O-oh…” she groaned as the marker was pulled out. “K-keep going…”

Looks like you were right in your previous assumption. You leaned in for a better view. This time, you could easily see Rarity’s ponut pucker up around the marker as she tightened her muscles. The marker would move half an inch, then go back in twice as much as they both tugged at the solid object. By this point, Rarity was completely red in the face, tongue slightly hanging out of her mouth as she made sounds of enjoyment.

After some time of struggle, Rarity began to wear down, losing her grip on the piece of plastic in her butt. You noticed that some moisture was beginning to build up between her folds below. Lyra began to cheer Fluttershy on as she began to pull it out more and more. The cheering must have been contagious, because you began to join in, too. Finally, you saw Fluttershy make one last pull, falling backwards with the marker in her mouth.

“Ohhhh YeeESS!” Rarity cried, arching her back.

Fluttershy sat up, spitting out the marker. “D-did I do good..?”

Rarity, coming down off of the sensation, spoke, “As much as I’d rather not say so, that was fantastic work, dear.”

“Fucking lewd,” you said.

“U-uhm… Is… is that good?” Fluttershy asked.

“Yeah, he liked it.” Lyra chimed in.

Several long, slightly awkward moments later, the two of them had calmed down enough for the game to continue. Realizing that your party had gone full circle, the yellow pegasus reached out towards the empty handle of vodka and struck out at it, sending it into a spin.

The bottle spun. It’s velocity slowly decreased before it slowed to a halt, it’s neck aiming straight at your aquamarine unicorn bro.

“Fuck yes!” the mare cheered, “Give me a dare, man. Bring it on!”

Fluttershy visibly paled, pupils contracting. “D-dare..?” She asked, body shaking a bit.

Lyra nodded vigorously in response.

“O-okay… I.. I d-dare you to... to…” she trailed into thought. “Anon… You and Lyra, you should…”

“Oh shit bro, what do you think she’s gonna have us do?” You whispered to your bro, butterflies beginning to form in your stomach.

“No clue, dude.” Lyra replied with a shrug.

“...You two should hug.” Fluttershy finally finished.

The relief washed over you in an awesome wave as you let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding in.

“Well, that’s a bit of a buzzkill, but also takes a load off of my mind.” Lyra stated. “Alright, one homosexual, totally platonic hug coming right up! Ready Anon?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be, bro.” You confirmed.

Lyra turned to you, and you turned to her, meeting in the middle as you wrapped your frontal appendages around each other. It’s a good thing you were holding back, otherwise the sheer force of your broship would have collapsed the shitty building around you. When all was said and done, you both separated. You laughed, noticing Lyra was sweating a bit, along with a slightly nervous look on her face.

“Next dare.” Lyra declared flatly. “My turn.” The mare struck out at the bottle, sending it into a wild spin. It span and span until it eventually stopped, it’s neck aiming straight at the pink maned, yellow pegasus. “Alright Fluttershy, truth, or dare?”

“Hmm…” The pony thought to herself. Maybe it would be best to let them get their dares out of their heads first, and when it came her turn again, she could get away with something easier and still say that she did it! “Can I go with truth, guys?” Fluttershy asked.

Deciding against telling her she didn’t need permission for what choice to make, you began to formulate a question in your head. It didn’t take to long to think of one.

“So…” Lyra started, “Discord lives with you, right?”

The pegasus nodded cautiously.

“How many times have the two of you boned so far?” the aquamarine unicorn inquired.

The expression of slight confidence in the pegasus’s face dropped near immediately as soon as you finished your question. “W-wha..?”

“You know… shagged? Done the horizontal tango?” you clarified, before forming a circle with your thumb and pointer finger, then rammed another finger through it, “She means seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex.”

Despite the alcohol in her system, the pink maned pony continued to fall over her words.

“Well Fluttershy? How did Discord’s horseco- Wait, what kind of dick DOES he have, anyways..?” Lyra trailed off.

“I-I couldn’t tell…” Fluttershy blurted out.

“So, are you confirming Anonymous’s suspicion, Fluttershy?” Rarity questioned with a smirk.

Everyone in the room began focusing on the flustered pegasus, awaiting her answer.

“W-well… Yeeees..?” she slowly said, making it sound more like a question.

“Bro, you don’t even sound like you know,” you stated. Fluttershy just shrugged in return. “Whatever, I’ll take it anyways.”

Rarity began to take interest. “If this is true… How was it?” she asked, intently focused on her friend.

“...Very nice,” Fluttershy replied, with more confidence than the last time.

You weren’t sure if that was hot or not. For that reason, you withheld your boner for the time being.

“That was quite… interesting…” Rarity said, confused, “But I do believe it is my turn now.”

The mare began to take the bottle in a magical field when you spoke up.

“Yo! You know what? Fuck this, my dick is growing weary of these activities. We should do something more exciting.”

“Like what?” Rarity inquired with a raised brow.

You flashed her a toothy grin. “Seven minutes in heaven. I call dibs on first round. Someone spin.”

Rarity rolled her eyes and spun the bottle with her magic. It went round and around and began to slow down. It tipped near Rarity, then Lyra, Fluttershy, and then finally rolled to a stop on Rarity. You looked up at the white horse, bumping your eyebrows up and down in the best seduction move you could muster.

Rarity sighed and rolled her eyes, but you caught a little smile on her face as she got up.

“Alright mister suave, go in the closet. I’ll be there in a second.

“Ohboyohboyohboy,” you said retardedly as you got up and jumped over to the closet. “Margaret, hold my calls,” you said very seriously to the ponies in a circle on your floor and slammed the door behind you. “Shit, it’s dark in here,” you pointed out the obvious as various coats and scarves teabagged your face. “Fuck you, coats!” you shouted, pushing the clothes out of your way until a mostly clear area was left in the middle of the closet.

You turned about as you saw the closet door come open slightly.

“Close your eyes!” you heard Rarity say, and you followed her order. You heard muffled, whispering voices and a scuffling of hooves as the door opened, and just as you were about to open your eyes to figure out what the fuck was going in, you felt a warm body knock into you as the door was slammed shut.

“Damn, Rarity, couldn’t wait to come see me, huh--” You were silenced as a hoof was placed on your lips and the pony in front of you whispered a quiet “shh.”

Deciding to go with it, you felt as the mare got up on her hind legs and put her forelegs around your neck, pulling you close to her. Her lips began to kiss the base of your neck, gently at first, and they increased in both intensity and in elevation. Before long, you were starting to get worked up from the mare’s affection. You grabbed at her waist, eliciting a moan in your ear- damn that was fucking hot- and you pulled her crotch towards your own. The mare began to grind up on you, and you could feel your member beginning to stand at attention. You shot a hand down to her nethers and could already feel her, hot and wet.

L-lewd.

The pony’s kisses had begun to get more violent with your groping, and she had moved from nipping at your neck to full on love bites. You could feel your face flush hot and red as she moaned every time you dry humped her. After several undulations between your bodies, you could feel the mare begin to get impatient. Tightening the grip around your neck, she pulled you into her and you felt as her lips met with yours. You expected it to be awkward, as it usually was with kissing ponies, but the sheer passion that drove the mare before you made the act irresistible.

Before you knew what was happening, you were kissing her back. It wasn’t your first reaction, but it certainly felt like the right thing to do. You held the kiss for what felt like minutes on end, relishing in the passion and ecstasy that crashed over you. It was wholly refreshing compared to the countless string of fuck-and-leaves you’d been getting into since you had gotten here.

And suddenly, you saw light piercing your eyes and you broke the embrace. You squinted into the bright light and pulled away from Rarity.

Only, Rarity was the one who had opened the door from the outside.

Confused as all hell, you looked down before you to see a very sheepish grin on Lyra’s face.

“Oh, fuck.” You looked back to Rarity, then to Lyra, then back to alabaster unicorn, and then back to your bro. “OH FUCK!”

You quickly pushed your way past Rarity and fell over Fluttershy in your rush, falling right on your face as you bowled her over.

“Anon!” You heard your unicorn bro call out, concerned. “Are you okay!?” You looked up, dazed, and noticed Lyra making her way over to you. You crawled away from the mare and scrambled to your feet. Without a word, you sprinted towards the front door, running headfirst into the hard, wood door like a fucking retard. You shook off the pain and threw the door open, before running off into the night, not listening to the cries of your friends as you left them behind.

It wasn’t until you realized how many gains you were killing before you started to slow down and eventually just stopped in the middle of the road. Breathing heavily, you put your hands on top of your head to catch your breath. You shut your eyes tight and screamed out into the night.

“FUCK!”

“Anon?” You turned around at the voice. Twilight had a hoof halfway up in the air and a concerned look on her face. “Are you okay, Anon?”

“Not in the slightest.” You threw your arms in the air, trying to find a place to begin, but your mind was way too jumbled to even begin. You felt your breath catch in your throat, and your head began to spin. You felt your throat tightening and you tried to catch your breath, but everything was spinning out of control.

Your palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy, there’s-

“Anon.”

A hoof placed itself firmly on your shoulder, and you realised you were on your hands and knees, looking down at the ground.

Shit.

“I’m cool, man.” You took a shaky step up, but felt your legs faltering. “The fuck is wrong with me?”

“It looks like you’re having a panic attack. Come with me, I’ll get you sorted out.” The pony gave you a sweet smile, and you just followed along behind her as she led you back to her home.

Once you had wandered your way inside and up the stairs behind the pony, she put you on the couch where you had your friendship sessions. As you stared up at the ceiling, all the adrenaline in your body washed away and you felt really, really tired. As your body began to ache, you looked over when a small clatter of china greeted you.

“Sup lil purple homie?”

“Hi Anon. Twilight made tea for you.” The little dragon smiled and held up the small platter for you to see. “Would you like sugar or milk?”

“Tea? Don’t touch the stuff. I like my heterosexuality to stay intact, thanks. Just give me some beer, little man.”

“It’s chamomile and mint, it'll help your nerves, Anon.” Twilight reassured you as she stepped into the room and approached her chair. Her hair was up in a bun and her glasses sat low on the bridge of her nose, but you were way too fried to appreciate the look like you usually did.

“So will a few shots of whiskey.”

Twilight hopped up in her chair and took up her notes, ignoring your alcoholic ramblings.

“So what happened that’s got you panicking in the streets?”

“Stuff, man. Things.” You crossed your arms, feeling edgy.

“Okay, like what?”

“Like, I don’t know, just my entire fucking life coming into question!”

“Could you maybe elaborate?” the pony asked patiently. You weren’t sure how to reply without sounding angsty as fuck, and after a few moments of silence, the pony spoke up. “Why don’t you try some tea?”

“Fine.” You reached over to the table next to you and took the gay little teacup in your hands and sipped at it. It actually wasn’t half bad, and you detected just a hint of honey. In fact, as soon as the first sip had hit your stomach, a warm feeling began to radiate out and warm you up. It was followed by a very relaxing sensation, and you started to get /comfy/.

“So what happened?” Twilight asked, obviously aware of your change in mood.

“Well, I was standing outside naked, and I got an erection.”

“Uh… huh…”

“And I accidentally on purpose slapped Fluttershy across the face with it.”

Several awkward moments later…

“...and the next thing I know, Fluttershy is pulling the marker out of her ass with her teeth,” you finally finished summarizing. Twilight had been silent the entire time, and you sure she was utterly enraptured with your story.

“Dear Celestia...”

“Cool, right? Never knew the girl had it in her.”

“Right, so then after that?”

‘“After a few more lame spins, I was starting to get bored. Lil’ Anon needed more than just weak ass foreplay, so I suggested some Seven Minutes in Heaven.”

“What is that?”

“You serious?” You shot a glance at the pony, and then remembered who you were talking to. “It’s when you go in a closet for seven minutes with a girl and you basically do whatever you want to each other. Handy, blowie, sucky, butt stuff. Anything is game in the closet.”

“So, what happened?” The pony shifted in her seat slightly at the question.

“Well, I spun with Rarity, and I went in the closet first. In about a minute, she gets inside and tells me to be quiet. She got all up on me, kissing and licking and all that heavy petting shit. I was really enjoying it all, pretty good build up. That bitch was wetter than a mexican’s back when crossing the Rio Grande, and she was putting some serious moves on Lil’ Anon. Next thing I knew, she was… kissing me.”

“Yes? And?” Twilight urged you on.

“And I kissed back. And it felt, well, right. Something happened, and I just can’t say what. Feelings and shit, man.” Your face scrunched up and the memory just confused you even more. “But when the door opened up, it wasn’t Rarity who had kissed me like that. It was Lyra.”

“Wait, so Rarity didn’t go in the closet in the first place?”

“Yeah. She threw Lyra in there. Or maybe Lyra asked to go instead. I really don’t fucking know. And it pisses me off. So. Fucking. Much.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s my bro! You’re not supposed to do that shit with your bro, it’s not right.”

“What’s not right? Kissing her?”

“No! It’s not right to have feelings for your bro!” You sat up and shifted your seat on the couch, sitting straight up. “I don’t know if she’s felt like this before, but what she put on me….”

“What she put on you?”

“These fucking feelings. These doubts. About how I feel towards her. I don’t fuckin’ know anymore.”

“So what you’re saying is, you’re in love with Lyra.” Twilight’s voice was quiet but devoid of emotion.

“What? I don’t know, dude. Maybe. Yes. I don’t know. Fuck.” You were starting to feel your throat tighten up again. “Why did you have to say that?”

Twilight just shrugged, her motions stiff.

“It’s obvious,” was all she said before the room lapsed into silence. Bringing her notes up to her face, Twilight started scratching away at them with her quill. Tapping your fingers on your leg, you sat in the stillness as you waited, feeling your thoughts boil uncomfortably in your mind.

“So…” you muttered, clearing your throat.

“I have another appointment now. I need you to leave Anon, thank you for the talk.”

“It’s like 9 o’clock at night.” You raised your brow at the mare. “Besides, you’re the one talking to me, dude.”

“I said I have another appointment. Please see yourself out, Anon.”

“What?” You stood up, trying to get a straight answer out of the pony. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Please go.”

“Sparklebutt, you’re not making any sense-” You walked over to her.

“I SAID GO!” Twilight shouted at you, throwing her notes down in a flutter on the floor. Her eyes were red and tears streamed down her face.

“The fuck? Are you crying?”

“NO!” She jumped to her hooves, pointing a hoof dangerously towards the door. “Now get out!” You opened your mouth to retort, confused as all hell. With a weird feeling, you felt your body get picked up and then shoved out the door. Stumbling off a few steps, you threw your hands up at the furious pony.

“The fuck are you doing!?” you shouted at her. “What did I do-?” Your voice was cut off as the unicorn slammed the door in your face. Fuck, that hurt. Rubbing your nose sharply, you kicked the door in anger, which only resulted in making your foot ache.

“FUCK! FUCK YOU!”

Fucking women.

Shoving your hands deep in your pockets, you stormed off, trying to keep the tears streaming down your face strictly from the physical pain.

“Anon! I heard shouting, you okay?” Spike asked, plodding up beside you as you stomped down the hallway. “Your nose is bleeding.”

“Yeah, fine, thanks. Do yourself a favor and be gay when you grow up.”

“Uh. O-okay,” you heard your little purple homie stutter at you as you threw the front door open and marched outside.

Your fucking face hurt, your foot hurt, your throat hurt from yelling, and your heart hurt from all this emotion bullshit.

There was only one pony you could call on for help now.

Knock...

Knock...

Knock…

You stepped back from the door and got /comfy/, figuring it was gonna take a while for one of the members of the Apple family to answer the door in the middle of the night.

Provided they did at all. Considering the time, it wouldn’t be that shocking if they just ignored you.

As you began to consider saying fuck it and sleeping on their front doorstep, you heard heavy hoofsteps approaching the door. The door swung open, and you found yourself face to face with a very angry looking Big Macintosh.

“Anon? What in Sam Hill are ya doing here?!” The stallion demanded as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “It’s the middle of the night.” He took a moment to take you in, apparently picking up on depressed expression and defeated body posture. “Are ya okay?”

“Yeah bro, I’m fine. I’m just out for a walk… I guess...” You attempted to force a smile, but judging by the expression on Big Mac’s face, he obviously wasn’t buying it. You decided to just say fuck it and swallow your pride. “Actually man… I’m not alright. Do you mind if I stay over?”

He nodded wordlessly.

“Cool fam.” You flashed your bro a genuine smile. “I really appreciate it.”

Your bro made room for you and gestured you inside. Accepting his invitation, you stepped inside and closed the door behind you, then made your way for the nearby upstair staircase.

“Uh, Anon, my room’s downstairs.” The stallion pointed out.

“B-but-” You turned around at and pouted at the stallion. “I-I wanted to sleep with your sister.”

“Downstairs.”

“Fuck!”

Your bro rolled his eyes and waved to you to follow him as he made his way deeper into the Apple family’s homestead. Reluctantly, you went after him. After a few twists and turns, he lead you into his bedroom. It was just slightly homoerotic, what with all the dragon dildos hanging from the ceiling.

Wait, what?

Your bro noticed your expression, then looked up at the multicolored sex toys. “Don’t worry bruh, it’s just an art project.”

You raised a brow at him. “You don’t go to school.”

He smirked. “Ah’ll have ya know Ah get plenty of one-on-one night schooling sessions with that one new teacher in town.”

“Cheerilee?” You guessed.

“She ain’t new, fuckface.” His smirk faded and his concerned look returned once more. “What’s up, bruh?”

You quickly remembered that were in a shit mood. You took a seat on your bro’s couch, which oddly looked like one of those casting couches from a porno, and let out a defeated sigh. “I already went through this story already, so I’m just gonna get to the point.” You leaned back into the seat and got comfortable. “Basically, I was partying with Lyra and a couple other bros, playing spin the bottle and shit, right? Well, eventually, Lil Anon decided he was getting lonely, so we decided we were gonna play seven minutes in heaven. Next thing I know, I’m in a closet with this mare, we’re going all fucking out n’ shit. Then the closet door is open, and when my eyes adjust to the light, you know who the fuck is in my hands?”

“A dude?”

“Fuck you, man.” You flashed him an unamused glare, before your anger made way for your conflicting feelings. “It was fucking Lyra.”

“Oh. Ah can kinda see why ya are freakin’ out.”

“No shit? It’s not fucking right, kissing your fucking bro… and doing the other things we did…” You let loose another sigh. “But that’s not the end of it. When I was in there with her, our lips locked and our limbs free exploring each other’s bodies, it just felt… right…”

“Shiiieeet.”

You leered at him. “It’d be nice if you would take me seriously.”

“Ya don’t take me very seriously when Ah try to talk to ya about stuff,” he pointed out.

“You raise a good point. But it’s not helping me feel better.”

“Ah’m not Twilight, Anon. Ah don’t know what ya expect me to say, talking’s not really my thing.” He took a seat beside you and gave you a look. You scoffed and rolled your eyes at the name.

“Oh, yeah. Well I went to Twilight already. She went full bitch mode, flipped out, and kicked me out of her house.”

“Uh... that’s not really like her. That why ya have the bloody nose?” Big Mac questioned cautiously.

“Yeah,” you said, unconsciously touching a finger gingerly to your nose. “Fucking bullshit. She went full knife-wielding cunt on me. Relatively speaking.”

“So what the hell’d ya do to make her like that? That sounds nothing like Twilight.” You threw your arms up in confusion at the stallion’s question.

“No idea!” you shouted. Big Mac hushed you and you lowered your voice. “I talked with her about what happened, and she said something along the lines of ‘oh well you must love Lyra huh?’, and I said ‘I don’t know, maybe.’ Next thing I know she starts crying and she threw me out of her house, so I came over here.”

“Ah,” Big Mac said.

“‘Ah’ what, nigga? The fuck does that mean?” You crossed your arms at the pony.

“Didn’t ya hook up with Twilight a little while ago or somethin’?” You nodded at the question.

“Yeah, she kind of fell into a hook up I had going on with Vinyl. I didn’t fuck her or anything, she kind of, like, sucked me off.”

“Mmm, hmm.” Big Mac sighed and looked you dead in the eye.

“What?” you asked, skeptical.

“Look, Ah’ve known Twilight since she came to Ponyville a few years ago. She’s a loner. A huge shut-in.”

“Yeah, and?” you asked.

“And, she doesn’t have much experience in the realm of relationships. Romantic or, eh, sexual. In fact I pretty much doubt she’s been with another pony before that night. Or, person.”

“Yeah, well,” you replied, trying to think up an excuse for your actions. “Bite me. Not like I knew that.”

“Ah’m not chastisin’ you, Anon. Just giving you an answer to your question. She’s probably got a lot of feeling for you, s’all.”

“Well, fuck!” you shouted under your breath, slapping a hand on your forehead, “That’s just what I wanted to hear. Now I have two bitches with feelings for me. Today is the fucking worst!”

Big Mac just placed a comforting hoof on your shoulder. “Well, yer the one who said it felt right with Lyra. So how do ya feel about her?”

“I don’t know! FUCK!” You threw your head back, staring up at the ceiling above and the many dragon dildos that hung from it. “You know what the holy scripture says, bro. You’re not supposed to feel this way your bro, or do the shit that we did in that closet.”

“So ya love her?”

“No! I’m a real nigga, faggot. An original mother fucking gangster, mother fucker. I don’t love bitches, only in a brotherly way.” Big Mac merely blinked at your ranting as you went on. “I… I don’t really know, man. I like her, a lot. She made me feel good, and it was just with that damn kiss. Maybe there could be shit between us if she felt the same way, which I assume she does. I just… shes my bro, man. She’s not just some bitch. So I don’t know what the fuck to do.”

An oppressive silence overtook the room as these words left your mouth, leaving you feel alone, defeated, and dejected. Big Mac took up a thinking pose as he took everything you said.

“Ah know what the scriptures say,” he finally spoke up, “but Ah think the only thing ya can really do is follow what yer gut is telling ya, as cliche as it sounds.” He gave you a hearty slap on the back. “Just fucking do it, man. Ya like her, right?” You said nothing, responding with a mere nod. “Then ya should talk to her about it. Maybe being with yer bro isn’t so bad. It might be considered somewhat questionable, but ya two certainly wouldn’t be the first two bros to fall for each other.”

You cringed as he said the final four words. “Are you sure?”

He nodded. “Positive.”

“Huh…” You leaned forward and rested your chin in the palm of your hands. “I suppose I could give it a shit… I’m sure the Fonz would overlook it, if he actually cared…”

“We’ll just have to see, Anon.” With that, he rose off the couch and made his way towards his bed. “Why don’t ya get some rest? Ah think ya could use it.”

“Alright…” A yawn escaped your maw, and you realized that following your bro’s suggestion was probably for the best. You twisted your body and sprawled out on the black leather couch, doing your best to get comfortable. As you heard your bro do the same in his bed, you turned towards him. “Hey, thanks for the talk, Big Mac.”

“Anytime, bro. Now go the fuck to sleep.”

“Aight. Good night, fam.”

“Night.”

With that, you closed your eyes, letting the darkness take you. It wasn’t long before you were fast asleep, blissfully unaware of the fact that your bro had begun masturbating less than five feet away from you.

By the light of the early morning sun, you wandered up to your shitty apartment, the events of the previous night swirling around in your head like a shitty B movie. It had been a good 12 hours since your last drink, and you were slightly worried the collective hangover that would soon follow your lack of booze might legitimately kill you.

You fumbled for your keys and finally dug them out of your pocket. You unlocked your apartment and were surprised to see that it was cleaner than you’ve ever seen it before. You were so amazed that you could see the floor, you weren’t even mad that your beer can scale model of the Pyramid of Giza had disappeared from the far corner.

You dropped your wallet and keys on the sparkling counter, then walked down the vacuumed hall.

“Lyra?” you called out as you knocked on the bedroom door.

“It’s unlocked,” she replied. You pushed the door open and stood in the doorway. Lyra was sitting on the bed, wrapped in blankets; only her face was visible as it poked out from a hood of blanket. She actually looked really adorable as she sat watching her laptop.

Pausing whatever she was watching, she looked up at you. “Hi.”

“Did you, uh,” you pointed a thumb down the hall, “clean up the house?”

“Yeah. Couldn’t sleep last night. Too much energy and I needed to do something. Rarity and Fluttershy offered to help.” She turned her movie back on.

“Well that was nice of them,” you spoke up over the computer’s tiny audio.

“Yep,” she replied, not breaking her eyes off the screen. You leaned against the door frame and crossed your arms, looking at the pony.

“So… we gonna talk about last night?” you asked. Lyra paused her movie again and shot a bloodshot eye at you, her lips pursed.

“What about it?”

You shrugged.

“Just what’s up with us.”

“Nothing is.”

You gave your pony bro a highly skeptical look, similar to that of a certain baseball bat-wielding bald comedian and hopped over to the side of the bed. Sitting on the edge, you took your shoes off and threw them in the open closet. As you peeled your socks off you noticed that your side of the room still looked hideously disgusting. Ignoring that like you were good at doing, you turned back to your bro. “Bullshit. You know what happened last night.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You made me run out of the house in a blind panic.”

“I SAID…! I don’t want to talk about it.” Lyra gritted her teeth and tried not to look at you. She turned her movie back on and you saw her lower lip trembling in the blue light of the screen. Frowning, you decided this shit needed to be addressed head on. You closed the lid of the computer, cutting off the audio.

“Bro-”

“WHAT!?” Lyra interrupted. She looked dead at you as tears streamed down her face and a tiny sob choked her. “What do you want me to say? ‘Sorry, Anon, I have feelings like any other fucking pony on this fucking miserable planet’?” She buried her face into her hooves and sobbed into them.

Fuck.

Fucking women.

You weren’t sure what to do as your unicorn friend sobbed heavily into her blankets.

“Lyra…”

“I’m s-sorry, Anon. I’m so sorry about last night. I was drunk. And I was stupid. I shouldn’t have done that to you.”

“Yeah, well,” you responded, trying to come up with words to say, but your mind kept blanking on you. You weren’t good at this kind of emotional shit. After a short pause, you asked your question. “So how long have you been feeling like this about me?”

“You fucking lunk…” the pony sniffed, breaking into a little smile. “It’s been a long ass time. You’re too damn oblivious to notice all those times I slipped up. Thank Celestia.” She grabbed a tissue off the nightstand and blew her nose.

“Nigga those are my special tissues, for uh, stuff,” you said.

“Shut the fuck up, Anon,” Lyra laughed through a sob. She crumpled up the tissue and threw it at you. You batted it away from you but stared the pony down and put on a creepy smile.

“Little do you know I have a mucus fetish!”

“You fucking weirdo.”

“NNNYEESSSSS,” you cried as you rubbed your nipples at the pony in your best Salamander Man impression. Lyra giggled heartily and wiped her nose on the back of her hoof. “In all seriousness, though, fam, last night was fucking whack,” you added. “You won’t believe the shit I went through after I left.”

“Yeah, well, I basically sobbed on the couch all night while Rarity and Yellow Hush cleaned up the house.”

“Nigga what?”

“I don’t know, it was Rarity’s idea. I’m not complaining.”

“They fucking took down my beeryramid, bro.”

“What the fuck!?” she said aloud, sitting up in bed. “Those cunts!”

You nodded along knowingly. “Grade A cock-juggling cunts for sure.”

Lyra settled herself back down in her blanket fort and sighed. You plopped yourself down next to her, rattling the bedframe and eliciting a shout from the pony.

“So whatcha watching, fam?” You put your arm around her and stared at the screen.

“Uh, what are you doing?”

“What?”

Lyra backed up away from you, giving you an off look. You pulled back, not sure what she was going on about.

“I’m not really comfortable with being that close to you right now, dude.”

“Why the fuck not?” you asked, feeling a little heat in your voice. You sat back up at the edge of the bed.

“Because I’m not really okay right now. I just need time to be apart from you.”

“So then what the fuck is up between us right now?” You crossed your arms and eyed Lyra down.

She frowned at you and sighed. “I don’t know right now. I need time to think about everything.”

“Nigga, you came onto me!” You hopped off the bed and glared down on the pony. “I was just fine until you decided to trick me and fucking make out with me, making me fucking question a ton of shit that was just fine in my mind up until yesterday!”

“I didn’t trick you or any shit like that!” Lyra shouted back. “Is that what you think? That I wanted to trick you into liking me?”

“No! Shit, I don’t know!” you yelled, pacing around the room. You kicked a plastic bottle across the room and yelled. “FUCK. I hate that this shit happened!”

“Well, you can blame Rarity! She’s the one who decided to shove me in that closet.”

“You fucking kissed me, bitch!”

“I was drunk and… and everything was going so fast.” Tears welled up in her eyes again and Lyra tried to finish her train of thought as quickly as possible before the sobbing came back. “And I just really like you okay, it’s just a lot of bullshit and I can’t take this shit right now. Please just go-!” She covered her face with her hooves and started bawling once more. You marched right up to the pony and grabbed a hoof in your hand, tearing it away from her face.

“If you liked me so god damned much, why didn’t you just tell me!?” you demanded from her. Lyra withdrew and didn’t even try to break the grasp you had on her forearm. She sniffled a little before speaking up. Her voice was hoarse and quiet.

“I didn’t want this kind of thing to happen.”

You grimaced and tossed the hoof back at her.

“Well I hope you’re happy, because you done fucked up now.” You turned around and walked right out the door while the pony sobbed quietly into her blanket.

Slamming the door behind you, you took a few steps down the hallway before you stopped yourself. You wanted to kick something, but your foot still hurt from the other night.

“Fuck,” you muttered under your breath.

Why did this shit have to happen to you? All you wanted to do was get drunk and play video games.

Wait.

You had an idea. Way better than kicking inanimate objects.

“Where the fuck is it…” you muttered to yourself as you searched the cupboards in the kitchen. You checked under the sink, above the counter, and finally the pantry for your secret stash. “Aha,” you said, pulling your treasure from behind a twelve year old box of au gratin potatoes. Grabbing two glasses, you set off back down the hall. As you approached the door, you shifted your load in your arms and gently knocked on the door.

“Go away.”

“Special delivery.”

“What the fuck is it?”

“My dick.”

“Fuck off, shitbrains.”

“Bitch, you know you can’t handle my shit, and you get really excited when you see my dick. So you best let my ass in.”

There was no response. Deciding to tempt fate, you walked in anyways.

“What the fuck do you want? Go away!” Lyra yelled half-heartedly. She had burrowed underneath all her covers so that only her snout stuck out from the side of the bed and her tail wormed out from the other end. You tiptoed quietly over to the bed, and uncapped the bottle in your hands as quietly as possible. Holding the end of the bottle up, you put it near the little bit of nose that was sticking out of the bed and waved it back and forth. The pony’s snout wiggled a little as she smelled the contents of your bottle.

“Is…. Is that brandy?”

“Twenty five year! I’ve been saving this for forever. I figure we both feel like shit, so let's at least feel like shit together, you feel me?”

Lyra’s alcoholism was stronger than her will, and she burrowed her way a little further from out of her blanket tunnel. You saw her golden irises sparkling from under the sheets.

“Yeah fam, I feel you.”

You smiled widely and pulled up a stool that was sitting in the corner. Placing the glasses on the nightstand, you poured a hearty shot in each glass and handed one to the pony, who had unburied her front half from the covers.

You raised the glass in the air and spoke up.

“To feeling like shit, like the losers that we are.”

“Hear, hear.” You clinked the glasses together, and threw the liquid to the back of your throat. A very satisfying burn met with the amber drink, and with a fantastic aftertaste, you let the brandy wash down your throat and fill up your stomach.

“Another,” the pony held out her glass. You filled it up and followed suit, one after the next. Before long, you and she had killed half the bottle in mostly silence, the vast majority of your problems becoming about as solid as the liquid in your stomach. Edges started to get fuzzy and the last little bits of discomfort you were feeling left your body.

“You know, its like, seven in the morning. And we’re already utterly h-hammered,” you hiccupped.

“Eh,” Lyra said, nursing her drink.

“Y’know, you’re a…. nice lady,” you managed to get out. You felt a dumb smile on your face.

“And you’re drunk,” she said as she took a sip.

“Uh, Lyra.”

“Yeah?”

“How much exactly... do you like me?”

Lyra stayed silent as she stared on at the far wall.

“A lot, man,” she finally spoke up. She shot you a look and tried not to break into a smile as you grinned autistically at her.

“Why the fuck would you like an idiot like me?”

“You’re funny,” she began. “You’re endearing, even if you are a huge asshole. You’ve been a big part of my life, especially since I’ve moved here. I was depressed and lonely before you showed up, and when you entered my life, you basically changed everything. Honestly? I probably wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for you, man. You're basically the best thing that has happened to me." A smirk spread across the mare's muzzle. "Plus, I’ve seen your dick. It’s not half bad."

“Ayyyyy,” you said, putting your hands up to celebrate your cock. “I like my dick, too.”

“Mmhmmm,” the pony said, sipping her drink through a small smile. “You’re one of a kind, that’s for sure. What mare wouldn’t like to have you in her life?”

“I ask myself the same question every day,” you said, scratching your chin in mock thought.

“Pppfpfptpfp,” Lyra raspberried. A short silence punctuated the conversation before Lyra spoke up. “I’m tired.”

“Me too. I had to sleep on Big Mac’s uncomfortable ass couch last night.” Lyra put her empty glass on the table and tucked herself into her covers.

“Well, that sounds just awful." She flashed you a sultry look. "Why don’t you join me in this comfy bed?”

“I know, right?" You responded, not understanding what the pony was getting at like the dumbass you were. "I swear to God that nigga’s got a fucking porn star casting couch. It’s creepy as fuck. Kinda awesome, too.” Lyra rolled her eyes at you and, leaning part of the way out of bed, she grabbed you by the front of your shirt, pulling you towards her.

“W-whoah,” was all you managed as Lyra nabbed you and pulled you under the covers with her. Before you knew what was happening, everything was dark and you felt the familiar feeling of your bro's lips pressed against yours, that incredible feeling that had once been haunting you coming back.

You grabbed her, wrapping your arms around her neck and body, pulling the mare tight into you. You returned her kiss, feeling her submit to your kiss. You enjoyed your dominance over the mare. It caused your blood to boil and flow in a million different ways, your clothes beginning to feel utterly restrictive. You pulled at your shirt, desperately trying to get it off under the covers and felt as Lyra pulled at the shirt with her teeth. Her help spurred you on, and finally as you pulled the damnable piece of clothing off, you felt more free than ever.

You pulled the unicorn back into your embrace and reveled in the feeling of her soft fur as it brushed up against your bare skin. Kisses went back and forth, crashing waves of passion breaking on each other. Tongues intertwined and you felt as she bit at your lip, eliciting a tingle of nerves down your spine. You bit back a little harder to show her that you were the one in charge here, and let out a little laugh of satisfied pleasure as she moaned aloud.

Snaking your hand down, you traced your finger down her haunches and then her flanks, admiring the curves of her tight ass and legs. As the pony bit and moaned into your neck, you set forth on the prize. Your fingers found her wet, hot and willing, and she moaned your name under her breath as your fingers glanced over her velvet lips. You teased her again a few more times before you readjusted your arm so that you were between her legs, and you stroked a finger up and down her outer lips, enjoying the amount of sticky moisture that was coming forth from the way you were treating her. You plunged a daring finger in, your finger sliding in quickly, eliciting a soft moan of pleasure from the mare. As you finger banged the mare, you added your middle finger and felt in enjoyment as her pussy resisted them a little; she was wonderfully tight.

You kissed Lyra again, your motions full of passion. Pulling your fingers out, you rubbed at her clit, gently at first, and adding a little more vigor, you watched her face change from vague submission to a full on overload of pleasure.

“R-right there,” she panted through gasps. Smirking, you kept going, teasing her clitoris and biting at her neck. You could hear her breaths growing more shallow. Her heartbeat jumped and you could feel her hips moving in rhythm to your rubbing. Before long, her gyrations were going faster than your strokes, her pants turned into sporadic shouts, and then into erratic screams. You kept going at your same speed, holding the pony tightly against your body as she finally came.

As her breathing lessened and her body went slack, she kissed you thankfully.

“Fuck,” she breathed. “I haven’t been fingered like that since fucking grade school!”

“Uh, what?”

The pony smiled mischievously and kissed you gently.

“Nothin’. I think I owe you for that nice thing you just did, sir.

You got a stupid look in your eyes, and smiled retardedly.

“BROJOB BROJOB CHOO CHOO!” you shouted out loud. Lyra rolled her eyes at your autism and playfully threw a punch at your chest.

“I fucking hate you.”

“That’s why they call me the nigga you love to hate!” you cried as you started undoing your belt buckle. Your lil homie was already unhappy at being caged in with all the action going on outside. As you slid your pants down and took them off, you felt much better in your nakedness. You accidentally poked Lyra in the stomach with your massive erection and you stifled a laugh as she eyed you down.

“Watch where you stick that thing, asshole.” The pony didn’t even let you respond with some witty-ass comment before she flipped around and dove under the covers after your cock. Her ass was in your face, and you took it upon yourself to at least keep yourself entertained while she slobbered on your dingle. Grabbing the base of her tail, you pulled Lyra’s crotch towards your face and enjoyed the sight of her glistening wet pussy.

Below the covers, you felt a few cautious licks on your cock, along with a few kisses.You held off on your own oral assault as you tried to figure out why Lyra was being exceptionally cautious about your dick. After another minute or so of apprehensive fellatio, you pulled the covers up off the mare and your lower regions.

“You alright down there?”

“Uh… uh.” the pony stuttered. She broke into a sheepish smile at your raised eyebrow. “I’ve… never done this before…”

“What? Sucked a dick?”

“N-no. I mean yes. I mean, anything. I’m a... a…”

“A what? Speak up, bro.”

“I’m a… virgin,” the mare squeaked in a low voice.

You couldn’t believe your ears. “You fucking serious?” you laughed out loud, but stopped quickly as you saw the hurt look on your bro’s face. “No, no, it’s okay Lyra. Seriously.” You smiled and waved a hand at her to indicate her to come back up to you. The pony shuffled herself parallel to you once more, and you stroked her mane, ruffling it a little bit. You smiled at her, and she smiled back, but hers was much more apprehensive.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.

“No, look, it’s fine. You know what, I want your first time to be perfect, okay? You deserve that much, bro.” You wrapped the pony up in your arms and held her tight into a hug. “Lay on your back, ok?” you asked her while you held her in your embrace. She nodded on your shoulder, and you separated. Lyra shifted herself so that she was on her back, legs spread wide apart. You climbed over her, your member mere inches away from her sopping wet pussy. Looking her in the eyes, you smiled and held her close to you. Sliding your cock along her marehood, you got yourself plenty wet before shifting your hips back, placing the tip of your head along her wet lips.

“Are you ready?” you asked.

“Yes,” she breathed.

You pushed against her and felt your dick slide into her. At first, there was resistance. Lyra shuddered underneath you as you buried the head in her pussy, and you pushed on into her. You slid, inch by inch, into her warmth, reveling in the tight embrace, as well as the little squeaks and moans the mare elicited at your small thrusts. By the time you had delved into her at your full length, you let out a gasp and felt your own body shudder along with hers. The way you filled her up felt completely right, and holding the mare even tighter to your body, you pulled back out so that you could plunge back into her again, reveling in the ecstasy that the action gave you.

Before long, your thrusts were gaining in momentum, and Lyra was breathing your name, along with curses and pleas. You brought your cock back and forth into her pussy, both filling her up completely and leaving her almost entirely empty.

“Faster! Fuck! Take me! Make me yours!” she screamed as you fucked her without relenting. She wrapped her hind legs around your back, and you felt your penetrations drive deeper than before. As you slammed her pussy without mercy, she cried aloud and begged you not to stop. She kissed you without hesitating, nipping at your neck and biting at your lip. The way she undulated her hips beneath you with each plunge, the way she carried on moaning your name and cursing aloud, the way she kept feeling you up and down was driving you up the wall. You felt close to coming, and it didn’t even bother you that you hadn’t lasted nearly as long as you usually did. As you felt the tension in your body start to build, you felt your body drive yourself into her, deeper, faster, harder.

“Fuck, I’m gonna… come,” you managed to breathe into the mare’s neck. She seemed to perk up at your words and you could feel her motions increase with yours.

“Come Anon, please. I want you you fill me up! I want your sticky hot cum in me! Please- cum- in- me- uh!” she screamed as you plunged your deepest and finally let the dam break loose. You felt your seed spill out at the deepest plunge. You kept up the assault as best you could as your cock grew more sensitive and you filled the mare up with your warm cum. You felt your body shudder in one of the best orgasms you have had the pleasure of experiencing, and smiled as Lyra grabbed you and kissed you deeply and passionately.

“I think I love you,” she muttered when the kiss had been broken.

“Yeah. I think I’m in lesbians with you too, you crazy bitch.” You laughed as best you could, but the effort of the past few minutes had drained every ounce of strength from your body. You wrapped your arms tightly around the mare and listened quietly as her breath lifted you gently up and down.

“...nigga, did you just say you’re in lesbians with me?”

“Why yes, I fucking did.”

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” You did a Shaman impression for no apparent reason as you awoke.

!

“OW FUCK!” You screeched out in pain. What the fuck did you do last night? Your entire body was sore. It seriously felt like you got fucked by thirty seven guys in a row.

...

How the fuck did you even know how that felt?

You shrugged and attempted to sit up, only to realize there was a weight on your chest preventing you from moving. A soft, furry one. As if someone took a giant, furry shit on your chest.

Fearing the worst, you looked to see what disgusting beast had made it’s home on your chest, only to find Lyra snoozing peacefully on top of you.

Why the fuck is your bro snuggling with you.

The answer came to you as you placed your hand in a wet, sticky substance. As you withdrew from whatever bodily fluids you just stuck your hand in, the events of the previous couple nights came back to you.

The drunken shenanigans.

The kiss.

The freakout.

The conflict.

The realization.

The conclusion.

In the process of two days, you had not only fucked your bro (and taking her virginity, with no survivors), you think you had fallen for her as well.

Your parents, whoever the hell they were, would probably be very proud. Except for the fact that she was a small horse.

You wiped your hand off on your bro’s coat and gently pushed her off you. You sat up and took a moment to stretch out. You looked over up the mare, who was still fast asleep despite how fucking loud you were. You briefly considered waking her up, but decided against it. You had clearly done a fucking number on her; she could probably use the sleep.

Rolling out of bed, you did a flip, a spin, then finished off your flurry of bitchin’ moves by taking a swig from a conveniently placed bottle of Bacardi rum. You glanced in the direction of your closet and briefly considered throwing some clothes on, but remembered your love for feeling the breeze between your knees.

You waltzed out of your bedroom with your dick flapping around wildly as you went straight for the front door. You paused as you gripped the doorknob, and wondered why you actually needed to leave your humble abode. You had enough booze, food, and now pussy in your home to last you forever… or at least till next Friday.

There was really no point in you leaving your piece of shit apartment.

…

…

Fuck it, you needed to advance the plot somehow.

You flung open the door and moonwalked outside-

!

“JESUS FUCK! IT’S COLD AS SHIT!” You exclaimed, suddenly remembering it was the middle of fucking Winter and why you stopped streaking.

“Ara ara, nice butt Anon.” Your MILF landlady commented as she passed by you on her way up the stairs.

“Thanks bruh,” you replied, flashing her a toothy grin and a thumbs up.

She stopped halfway up the stairs and turned her head your way. “Anon, would you care to remind me when you were planning to pay me your dues?”

“Dunno.” You shrugged. “Can’t exactly work at the farm because it’s covered in white stuff, and the pimp game isn’t as strong as usual due to a downturn in the market caused by the Jews. Pimpin’ ain’t easy.”

“Hmm…” Her pleasant demeanor didn’t change at this, luckily. “Well Anon, in that case, I suggest putting that cute butt to use and getting me my bits.”

“Are you hitting on me?” An inquisitive look crossed your face as you asked this.

“No Anon, I’m telling you to let stallions fuck you in the ass for money.” She answered your question with her usual calm, pleasant smile.

“Oh.” You blinked. “L-lewd.”

“I’ll be seeing you around, Anon~” She bid you farewell as she turned back around and continued making her way towards the upstairs apartment. You took a moment to admire her fine ass and child birthing hips. You wished you could’ve stared at dat ass all day long, but alas, she entered her home before you could even bust a nut to dat fine ass booty.

Sad, but not defeated, you continued on your quest to advance the plot.

Heh… plot...

You walked through the streets of the village that you called home, enjoying the sights and the general peacefulness of the community. From what you’ve been told, there was really no better place to end up as a human, as most pony populations in different regions still had anti-human sentiments.

Of course, being the real human bean that you were, you really couldn’t have given two fucking shits about whether any random ass horses liked you or not. You were fucking Anonymous, destroyer of cunts, and it just so happened that the majority of cunt owners here were small multicolored horses. So things just kinda worked in your favor.

An intense shiver ran up your spine as you finished your thought, and you remembered you hadn’t bothered going back inside to grab some clothes before running off. You shrugged, figuring that feeling the breeze between your knees wasn’t worth the genital frostbite, and willed some stylish clothing into existence. You threw them on and examined yourself in a conveniently placed puddle. You found that you were now dressed in the ever stylish outfit that Michael Jackson wore in the “Thriller” music video.

Fuckin' savage.

No longer freezing your balls off, you focused on other things, such as your surroundings. You realized you were in the town center, just fifty or so feet away from city hall. There was nobody interesting hanging around, just a bunch of suits, Royal Guards, and beggars.

Too lazy to walk anywhere else, you decided to make due with what you had and decided to fuck around with some homeless dude. Most of them were winos, so at least you’d be able to drink with them.

You examined the various vagrants that called the town center “home”. Not many stuck out to you, save for the occasional homeless human. Knowing from experience that the Equestrian government would give you all the money you could ever need (and then some) to survive, it was really weird to see a human begging for money.

...wait, weren’t you supposed to be one of only three humans in this town? That’s what the intro said, didn’t it?

Whatever, no one remembers that shit. Apparently, there’s more humans in town than you realized.

Your fourth-wall-breaking was brought to a halt as you stopped in front of a young dragon, probably not much older than Twilight’s little purple homie. She was adorned in dark red scales, and clearly needed a bath. She was doing what you assumed what was the dragon version of a squat, and held a cardboard sign that read “5 bits = suck a dick”

“Yo lil homie, don’t you think you’re a little young to be turning tricks?” You asked the dragon.

“Huh?” She flashed you a confused look.

You said nothing, only motioning to her sign.

She glanced down at her sign. “Oh!” She looked back up at you, lighting up. “Nah, I’m just being ironic. I take money from unsuspecting perverts and tell them to suck a fat one.”

You snorted in amusement. “Shit lil dude, you’re a real fucking nigga. Nothing like that little fake ass nigga that lives with Twilight.”

“Who?” The dragon raised a curious brow at you.

“Oh, she’s just some princess who wants my dick,” you said casually, before glancing weirdly at her. “Wait, how do you not know her? She’s been ruling for like, five years or something.”

“I can’t read.”

“Oh.” You scratched the back of your head awkwardly.

“So you actually chill with princesses? Like, you’re not bullshitting me so you can look cool, right? Because that shit would be pretty pathetic,” she remarked with a smirk.

“Nah bruh, I chill with Twilight all the fucking time. She’s like the Princess of Friendship or some shit, so she’s kinda forced to deal with humans who wind up in Ponyville. Well, except for Pablo, you kinda need to be considered a person.”

“Dude, fuck Pablo.”

“I know, right? Fucking manlets.” You shook your head.

The dragon decided to get shit back on track. “So, if you hang out with princesses, you must be pretty loaded, right?” She flashed you a hopeful look.

“Nah nigga, I’m fucking broke,” you responded.

“Oh…”

She looked as if you had just kicked her in the face and then spit in her mouth. She probably just wanted some change or something.

You weren’t the type of nigga who’d put niggas down like that.

“Shit lil dude, I might not have any change lying around, but if you want, your ass can come chill with me today. Homeless people need to eat, right?”

“Of course we need to eat, dude.”

“Bitchin’, let’s hit up my bro’s place and force him to cook shit for us. His ass is probably lonely as fuck right now, since for some reason the reader’s didn’t want any Big Mac chapters in a story where he’s supposed to be the main character in.”

“Yeah- wait, what?”

“LET’S GO, LIL NIGGA!”

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-!

The front door to the Apple family's homestead swung open, and out stepped Big Mac’s big booty toting sister, Applejack.

!

AND SHE’S GOT A GUN!

“AH TOLD YA’LL, WE DON’T WANT TA BUY-”

“YO AJ, CHILL BRUH, IT’S ME!” You shouted over her, pushing her double barrel out of your face before she decided to turn your ass into Two Face.

“Anon?!” She looked at you with the biggest ‘oh shit’ face you’ve ever seen. “Land's sake, Anon, ya got a death wish or somethin’?”

“Yeah, something like that.” You shrugged indifferently, Yung Lean playing softly in the distance.

“Wait…” she eyed you up and down suspiciously, before aiming her double barrel back at your face, “ANON DOESN’T WEAR PANTS.”

This time, however, you remained calm. “Applejack, if you strike me down, my erection shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine,” you stated, with a pelvic thrust to emphasize your point.

The mare regarded you with a raised brow, before tossing aside her weapon (which exploded off screen). “Okay, it’s definitely ya. Nobody but the real Anon would say anything like that.”

“I’m one of a kind, baby,” you flashed her a thumbs up and a toothy grin, “just like that glorious 10 out of 10 rump you’re packing.”

A smile spread across Applejack’s lips. “Well, a mare’s gotta look nice. Thanks for noticin’, Anon.” She glanced inside for a moment, before turning back to you. “Ah’m assuming yer here for a legitimate reason and not just ta compliment muh rear end, right?”

“Huh? Oh yeah. I was gonna kick Big Mac in the balls and call him a faggot, then join you guys for…” you paused, checking your watch for the time, “uh, lunch, I guess.”

“We call it dinner, sugarcube,” she pointed out.

“I don’t speak pirate.”

“Ah ain’t speakin’-” she stopped responding to your stupidity as she noticed the small, red dragon casually chilling on your shoulder, “Hey Anon, who’s yer new friend?”

“You’re seriously just noticing me?” the dragon asked with a raised brow.

“Ya kinda tune everything else out when yer dealin’ with Anon,” Applejack said with an unamused look, before looking back at expectantly, “Ya gonna answer my question?”

“Uh… fuck, I didn’t get her name,” you responded, scratching the back of your head awkwardly. “Probably should’ve been one of the first things I did…”

“It’s cool, dude,” she waved off your social (and partially mental) retardation. “The name’s Barbie, but you can call me Barb if you’re too lazy to say the last bit.”

“I’m sure the writers are just too lazy to type in the extra two letters most of the time,” you commented.

“Dude, what are you babbling on about?” Barb asked, bewildered by your behavior.

You ignored her. “Anyways, yeah, this is Barb. She’s a pretty cool guy. She fights aliens and doesn’t afraid of anything.”

“Well memed,” the dragon commented.

“Thanks bruh,” you flashed Barb a grin, before turning back to the orange mare, “so are we on the list or not, fam?”

“Well, Ah ain’t one to turn a hungry friend away, even if they brought friends of their own. Ah’ll prepare a couple plates for ya’ll,” she said as she waved you in and trotted back inside.

As she walked away from you and your companion, you quickly became entranced by perfect ass and amazing hip sway. Her tail swayed from side to side, allowing you to get a peak of the mare's l-lewd bits.

Fucking nice.

Having been hypnotized by the almighty ass, you followed her inside.

The booty led you into the dining room, where the rest of the Apple family was busy stuffing their faces with various apples and apple accessories.

"What up?!" You greeted them like the fucking retard you were, "Daddy big dick's back in town!"

"Yer late!" Granny Smith hollered, glaring daggers at you.

You blinked. "Nigga, what?"

"Ignore er', she hasn't had er' happy pills yet." The youngest at the table spoke up.

You decided to follow Applebumm's advice, did a 360, and moonwalked over to the empty seat beside your bro, planting your posterior on it. You looked towards him, and asked him the ultimate question. "What's really good, nigga?"

Big Mac said nothing in response, and simply grunted into the food he was currently wolfing down.

"Shit dude, you bulking or something? Cuz you're eating like how I usually drink."

The red stallion took a moment away from eating and faced you. “Eeyup,” he answered with a nod.”

“Good shit, bro, gotta get them gains. How else will you get bitches to mire’ you?" You paused, suddenly remembering you haven't drank anything since you left your apartment. “Hold that thought, man.” You dug your emergency flask out of your pocket and unscrewed the cap. You took a quick swig, letting the precious nectar it contained inside pour down your throat, replenishing your health and energy.

Ah rum, your greatest ally. If there was one thing you could always depend on, it was cheap spiced rum.

Putting your flask away, you noticed that Big Mac was looking at you with a raised brow. “Yo?”

“What’s up with the dragon?” he inquired, motioning over to the homeless dragon that sat in the chair beside you.

“Oh, her? That’s Barb. She’s a real nigga.”

“Sup?” your companion asked on cue.

“I needed a sidekick,” you shrugged, “mainly to eat waffles with.”

"WE’RE EATING WAFFLES?!” Barb perked up, her eyes sparkling with happiness, “Waffles are, like, the best thing ever.”

“See?” You smirked at your best bro, “she’s premium.”

“PREMIUM!” The dragon chirped.

“P R E M I U M,” you echoed her, as the two raised up your hands (claws, in your companion’s case) and showed off your knuckles, the word ‘PREMIUM’ spelt out across your knuckles.

“Speaking of premium,” you said as you leaned in towards Big Macintosh, “you know what word I’d use describe to your sister glorious ass?”

“Anon, don’t-”

“P R E M I U M!” you shouted over the quiet stallion, flashing him a smirk. “Yo bro, you wanna go out and kick it with me today? We haven’t actually done anything in, like, six chapters.”

Big Macintosh shrugged. “Ah don’t have anythin’ goin’ on, so Ah don’t see why not.”

“Cool shit, my fellow negro,” you said with a big ass grin, before turning towards the kitchen and shouting out, "HEY APPLEJACK!"

Moments after your shout rang throughout the house, the big bootied bitch you were addressing exited the kitchen, carrying both your companion’s meal and your own. “Hmm?”

“Due to minority quotas, your ass is being invited to come chill with us,” you stated, your pants tightening that the mention of Applejack’s perfect ass, “you down?”

She shook her head. “Ah’d love ta, sugarcube, but Ah’m goin’ to be meetin’ up with Pinkie and Dash at the Salty Sailor.”

Your dick went flaccid with disappointment, but immediately hardened once again as a thought entered your head. “It’s cool, nigga. Because we’re crashing your little get together…”

“WITH NO SURVIVORS!” your newly acquired dragon companion shouted out on cue.

You high-fived your homie, then turned your attention back to Applejack. “Every party needs a big guy, and I’m pretty fucking swole, nigga. So are we in, or what?”

“Well sure, the more the merrier, Ah suppose,” the orange mare responded with a smile, “Ah’m sure the girls wouldn’t mind a few extra heads.”

“FUCK YEAH BOYO,” you exclaimed, getting extremely hyp. “Aight niggas, let’s eat and get the fuck out of here.”

After enjoying a healthy lunch (or whatever those fucking pirates called it) of apples, apples, and even more fucking apples, you and your party quickly fucked off before Granny Smith’s senile ass started making you guys do work.

Now, you were on your way back to Ponyville.

“I LOOOOOVE YOOOOU JEEEESUS CHRIIIIIIIIIIIST,” you and Barb sang together, showing off your impressive taste in patrician music off to any who dared listen, “JEEEEEESUS CHRIST, IIII LOOOOVE YOU, YEEEES I DOOOOOOOOOOO. I LOVE YOU JESUS CHRI-”

“Wait, who the fuck is Jesus Christ?” the dragon grill spoke up.

Resisting the urge to bitch slap her into oblivion for interrupting your music number, you gave her an answer. “Jesus Christ is my nigga.”

As you slowly approached the village, you remembered that you were short one nigga.

Figuring Lyra would most likely rather do something with you than sit around all day recovering from last night, you grabbed your phone out of your pocket and dialed her numbered.

After a few seconds of waiting, your homie picked up the phone. "MOSHI MOSHI MOTHER FUCKER!" she shouted over the line.

"Ayy bitch," you greeted your homie, "my new sidekick, Big Mac, Applejack, and I are heading to the Salty Sailor to meet up with AJ's crew. You wanna join us?"

“OH FUCK!” There was a click as your bro hung up on your ass, which was, in your expert opinion, extremely #rude.

“I guess she’ll meet us there,” you said with a shrug, “we should-”

“Wait, do ya hear that?” Big Mac spoke up, interrupting you.

“Hear what?”

“Ah hear it too,” Applejack said, “it sounds like-”

And then you heard it too. Familiar music playing in the distance, slowly growing louder.

“DESOLATION… DEVASTATION… WHAT A MESS WE MADE… WHEN IT ALL WENT WRONG!”

Suddenly, a muscle car flew over a nearby hill at an exceedingly fast pace, Mike Oldfield blasting with complete disregard to Ponyville’s noise ordinances.

The car screeched to a halt in front of you and your party, Lyra in the driver’s seat, wearing your nice scorpion jacket. Shit didn’t spare you a glance as she sang along to the lyrics. “I’M NUCLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAR… I’M WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILD!” She turned down the music, then looked towards your party. “Sup bitches? Want a ride?”

“FUCK YEAH NIGGA, ALL THIS CARDIO IS KILLING MY GAINS!” You said, before hopping into the vehicle Dukes of Hazzard style. You got situated in your seat, before pausing and looking Lyra’s way with a confused look. “Yo homie… where’d you get the car?”

“I found it,” she answered with a shrug.

“Good enough for me,” you said indifferently, before turning towards the rest of your party, “GET IN FAGGOTS, WE’RE GOING TO WHITE CASTLE!”

“Ah thought we were going to the Salty Sailor?” Applejack spoke up.

“Besides nigga, we literally just ate,” Barb pointed out.

“What’s a White Castle?” Lyra asked with a raised brow.

“Ya’ll niggas' gay,” you said with an eye roll, “Princess Celestia has her own personal white castle inside of her castle-”

“CASTLECEPTION!” Your dragon sidekick blurted out.

“Nice meme,” you complimented, before continuing, “ANYWAYS, we’re totally going to raid the shit out of that and get us some delicious sliders.”

“Or,” Applejack spoke up, “We could go meet up muh admittedly hot marefriends and go get wasted on some nice apple cider, like we already planned ta.”

“HMMMMM!” You hmm’d as you scratched your chin in thought, “yeah bro, that seems more like something I’d be into. We’ll save the White Castle raid for when I fold to Lyra’s peer pressure and blaze it with her.”

“Nice Harold and Kumaar ripoff,” Lyra stated with a smirk.

“Thanks babe,” you flashed your bro a thumbs up, before turning your attention back to the rest of your party, “now hurry up and hop in the back, niggas, my buzz won’t last forever.”

After some more shenanigans, you finally found yourself getting /comfy/ in your seat as Lyra drove like a crazy fucking maniac through the streets of Ponyville.

Looking back, hooves probably weren’t the best choice of appendages to drive stick with.

Lyra narrowly avoided running over some asshole cat taking a dump in the middle of the street and came to a halt in front of Sugarcube Corner, that one bakery that looked like it was designed by an eight year old with shit tastes in aesthetics.

Your bro slammed down on the horn, and screamed out at the bakery. “COME THE FUCK OUTSIDE, YOU FUCKING CUNTS!”

“Damn bruh, no chill,” you commented on your bro’s behavior.

Lyra let out a frustrated groan. “Fuck, I know, I know. I’m just kinda freaked over the shit that’s happened over the past couple days. I’m sure you understand, right?”

“Yeah bro, I feel you.” You leaned back into your seat, letting yourself melt into it as you got /comfy/. You looked towards the unicorn. “Would you feel better if I fucked you again?”

You heard an awkward cough from the audience in the back as you said this, but you ignored it.

“S-senpai, we’re in public.” Lyra’s cheeks mint green cheeks turned a deep shade of crimson as she looked away from you, flustered by your banter. “Besides, Applejack, Big Mac, and what’serface are right there.”

“It’s cool dude, go ahead and get some! I could use some entertainment anyways!” Barb shouted from the back, before jumping up from her seat and poking her head in between the two of you. “By the way, my name’s Barbie, but you can call me OG Barb, or just Barb if you’re a lazy fuck.”

“Nice to meet you, fam. I’m Lyra, AKA, MC Heartstrings, AKA, Rule Sixty-Three MC Ride.” The mare replied.

“She’s my bottom bitch,” you pointed out to the dragon.

“Cool, cool. A homie of Anon is a homie of mine. Bros for life, nigga,” Barb said.

“SHE SAID IT, SHE SAID THE THING!” You blurted out immediately like a sperg.

“Nigga, what did I say?” Your sidekick was perplexed by your fourth wall shattering shenanigans.

“Ignore him, he’s autistic,” Lyra stated, flashing a smug grin your way, “Bros for life, bruh.”

Before you could fucking lose it a second time, a high pitched, raspy voice prevented further you from committing further acts of autism. “Woah dude, nice ride! This one of those new car things that the humans came out with?”

You looked towards the source of the voice, spotting what appeared to be the horse version of a gay pride parade staring directly at your bottom bitch.

“Thanks fam,” Lyra shrugged off her compliments, “And yeah, it’s a car. 5.7 liter hemi engine.” Lyra slammed on the accelerator to rev the engine, but forgot she was in gear and ended up stalling the car like some basic bitch.

“Shit dude, this thing must be expensive. How’d you afford it?” you asked.

“Hoodrat shit.” Lyra gave you a glare over her shades.

Wait, when did she put on sunglasses?

“I’ve had them on the whole time, Anon.”

You felt a sweat break on your brow as you realized what she had just said.

“Excuse me?” you said, looking over your own sunglasses that had materialized politely onto your face. The two of you stared each other down for several seconds before a high pitched voice cut through your silent battle.

“Are we gonna move this story on or keep dragging it on with filler!?” Pinkie Pie shouted at the two of you.

“NIGGA, FUCK OFF, THAT’S MY SHIT!” You screamed in her face, puffing out your chest and getting her shitty pink face, “COME AT ME FAGGOT, REAL NIGGA SHIT!”

“Square up, fool!” the pink horse screeched back, throwing up her hooves.

Instead of knocking her the fuck out and stealing her wallet like you had originally planned, you stuck a thumb back and indicated the leather seat behind you.

“Ayo, let’s hit it. We’re burning daylight already.”

“Okay!” the pink horse said and leaped into the car, slamming Big Mac and Applejack into the driver’s side wall. Rainbow Dash gave a quizzical glance at the incredibly cramped back seat, and looked at you with an obvious intention to question your sanity. With a small nod, you understood, and turned to Lyra to grill your homie.

“Why the fuck did you get a two door car, there’s no room in here for all these horses, yo.”

“Fuck off mate, I’m not buying some pussy ass four door sedan. Coupé muscle master race!” Lyra twisted the key and the engine roared to life.

“Just shove the lesbian in the back, we’ll be gucci!”

You shrugged and looked at Rainbow Dash. As you were about to open your mouth though, a voice from the back spoke up.

“Look, Ah’ll just sit in Anon’s lap.” You turned around to see Applejack giving you a sheepish grin. You raised your eyebrow at her, but she went on. “That way we can all fit.”

“Bitch, step off, that’s my man! If anypony’s going to be sitting in his lap, it’s going to be my green ass!”

“But you’re driving, homie,” you pointed out.

“O-oh yeah.” The pony’s face blushed hot red, and she turned away. Applejack promptly climbed up over the center console, and you debated on whether or not to tuck your soldier that had begun to stand to attention at the thought of those apple encrusted buns straddling your crotch. Of course, the point was moot because she promptly plopped her ass in your lap before you could so much as react.

“That happy to see me, huh Anon?” Applejack said to you as she rubbed her crotch into your groin.

“S-stop it,” you said autistically while Applejack laughed and Big Mac coughed very loudly behind you. As the door shut, Lyra gunned the engine and you felt Applejack push deeper into your dick.

“Hey bro, maybe you should like, slow down,” you said as you leaned around Applejack to talk to your bro. Several ponies had already flung themselves out of the road to avoid becoming quadruple amputee’s from Lyra’s erratic driving.

“It’s cool, I don’t really care about living anymore,” she responded flatly.

“CRAWLIIIING IN MYYY SKINNN,” you heard Big Mac speak up from the back. Pinkie Pie joined in the tune, and you yourself started singing along as well.

It wasn’t long before everybody in the car was singing along.

“THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEALLLLL.”

Lyra, grinding her teeth, slammed down a gear and let the car slow down.

“Fine! We’re here, anyways. I need a fucking drink.” Lyra parked the car, shut it off and flung the door open, stomping down the driveway. She slammed the door loudly behind her.

“Wow, rude,” you shrugged. However, your faltering buzz seemed to echo her statement. You really, really, didn’t want to see what would happen if you sobered up for the first time since you got here.

You’d explode at least three times. At least.

You remembered you had the queen of booty on your lap, and with a prompt slap to her hindquarters, Applejack leapt out of your lap and onto the dusty road that made up the Salty Sailor’s parkway.

“Get along, little doggies!” you said in your best Brokeback Mountain impression.

“Gay,” Big Mac commented as he filed out of the back seat behind you.

“It’s not gay if it’s your sister,” you said quite smugly.

“Damn nigga, I think you’re going to need some burn heal for that one,” Barbie declared, trying to stifle a chuckle.

“This ain’t pokemon, ya autistic lizard,” Big Mac said, obviously butthurt. “Fucking weeb,” he mumbled under his breath.

“Pokemon isn’t weebshit you sperg! Fuck right off!” Barbie shouted in the stallion’s face, before looking over to you, her eyes hoping for some real nigga back up.

“Can you two, like, shut the hell up?!” Rainbow Dash demanded.

“LOUD NOISES!” Pinkie Pie shouted out at the top of her lungs.

The multicolored pegasus ignored her. “I really just wanna find some tail here. I’ll see you guys later.” The mare plodded off and left the four of you alone in the dust. Shrugging, you decided to moonwalk your way into the mecca of booze. The squad trailed behind, but Barb ran to catch up with your stylish ass.

“Hey Anon, what was up with Lyra earlier?” the little dragon asked.

“Iunno. Period maybe?”

“Uh…”

“Nah, she was probably just being ironic. She could give a fuck about that shit.”

Barb gave you a concerned look, but like the real nigga you are, you stuck to your word and ignored her as you slammed the door open to the bar. Light flooded into the dingy establishment and you greeted your beloved second home.

“REAL NIGGA HOURS! WHO UP? HIT THAT SHIT!”

“It’s only three in the afternoon, you stupid fuck!” some drunk in the other corner of the room shouted at you.

“SHUT,” you shouted back, and traipsed over to the bar.

“Ayy lmao,” you greeted the bartender, your one and only friend who really understood you best, Good ol’ Salty Dogg.

“Howdy Anon,” the old stallion greeted you gruffly. “So what'll it be today, buddy?”

“Double shot of Jameson, on the rocks.” You slid a couple of bits on the table. “And a single shot of rum for my lil homie here.”

“But Anon I’m only twelve.”

Salty looked down on the little dragon with a glaring eye.

“Uhh, I can’t serve her alcohol.”

You slid yet more bits onto the bar, looking your friend straight in the eye.

“She’s got Webster’s disease, mate.”

“Shame that is,” the stallion mumbled, and scooped the bits off the bar, only to be quickly replaced by the aforementioned drinks. “There ya go, buddy.”

“Baller,” you said, snatching up your drinks. You handed the little shot glass to Barb and held your own tumbler aloft for a toast. “To illegal underage drinking!” you said, clinking your glass on your homie’s and tipped the glass to your lips.

After taking a heavy swig, you looked down on your lil homie, who had taken her own sip. Her face was screwed up, though, and you gave her a curious look.

“Y’allright?” you asked, but the dragon put up a finger, and suddenly let out an extreme, fire-fueled burp. It caught your pants on fire, and with a shout, you leapt up and started trying to get the flames out.

“Fuck man!” you shouted as the last of the purple flames disappeared, leaving your orange leather pants with singed holes. Barb had a claw over her mouth, eyes wide.

“I-I’m so sorry, man! I didn’t know that would happen, I-I’ve never had alcohol before. It went down the wrong hole I guess…”

“Heh.. That’s what she said,” a drunk muttered next you at the bar.

You were pretty pissed, but remembered you could just will your pants into new condition anyways, so you decided to let bygones be bygones, or some shit. You bent down and comforted your homie.

“Its cool man. Shit happens.” You patted her on the back and her shock seemed to slowly melt away into comfort. “Let’s go join the squad at the table, yeah?”

Barb nodded quickly and broke into a smile. You grabbed another (non-alcoholic) drink for her and headed back to the table to commune with your bros.

“Have you guys heard the word of our lord and savior, the Fonz?” You inquired as you took a seat beside Lyra, your sidekick taking the seat immediately to your left. She took her drink and scooted away from you as you sat down next to her.

Wow, rude.

Ignoring her lame ass, you willed a pack of cards out of existence and began shuffling them.

“Ya’ll ever play Strip Poker before?” you asked, feeling saucy.

“Anon, we aren’t wearing clothes!” Pinkie Pie said, bursting your bubble.

“Fuck,” you muttered. “Okay well what if I just take all my clothes off and we’ll play clothes poker.”

“That sounds stupid.” Big mac said into his drink.

“Nigga, fuck you. I just wanted to see some ass.”

“Ok, then look around.” He indicated with an extended hoof at the bar scene before you. For a Tuesday afternoon, it was actually rather busy, which was a testament to the fact that there was literally nothing to do in a small town except get drunk. You noticed Rainbow Dash in the far corner, chatting with some hot looking piece of ass.

“I KNEW SHE WAS A LESBONER,” you shouted across the room, but your voice was drowned out by the crowd around you and the jukebox playing Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer” at max volume for the tenth time in the hour.

Seriously, fuck that song.

“Huh?” Pinkie huh’d at you from across the table.

“Never mind,” you said, feeling your need for a drink overriding the need for the booty. You took a large sip of your whiskey and felt a need for some plot progression.

As if on cue, Lyra spoke up next to you.

“Anon, can I talk to you?”

“Sure brah, whats up.”

“I meant in private.”

“O-oh, okay.” You stood up with her and wandered down the hallway at the other end of the bar, near the bathrooms.

“Sup?”

“Don’t ‘sup’ me, asshole! What the fuck was up with that shit with Applejack earlier?” She glared at you, her gold iris burning a hole in your brain.

“What, a nigga can’t get some?” You raised a brow at the mare’s behavior. “That’s a fine piece of ass. Cockblocking me is pretty unbro, bro. Totally against the Bro Code.”

Lyra’s face fell from a frown to a downright look of sorrow, and tears started forming at the corners of her eyes.

“Anon, I thought we had something special! You took my virginity last night! I-I thought that fucking meant something between us.” She stomped a hoof and shut her eyes closed, looking away. “But I guess I shouldn’t have expected much more from you than that, you fucking pig.”

You threw your hands up in self-defense at the mare’s words.

“The fuck, brah? First of all, fucking rude. Second of all, that’s really fucking rude. Thirdly, if you knew I was some kind of womanizing manwhore, then why did you bother sleeping with me in the first place?” You crossed your arms. This shit was really pissing you off; you liked your bro because she didn’t bring this shit up like most women.

“I don’t fucking know. Maybe I thought you would change for me. I guess that was a fucking far away dream.” Lyra sniffled a little and wiped the tears out of her eyes. “You know what? Fine. If you want to be that way, then forget it happened.”

“So thats it? Just forget all of it?” You grimaced.

“Yep. That’s it. Nothing happened.”

You crossed your arms, flashing your bro a condescending look. “Nigga, you and I both know that’s a load of shit.”

“Shit or not, that’s how it is. So fucking drop it. Nothing. Happened,” Lyra said through gritted teeth. She stared at you darkly.

“Dude, fuck that noise. Shit’s too late for that now.” You squatted, getting on eye level with the mare. “Look, what we had was special, and I won’t forget it. No matter how much I try, or you try to get me to, I won’t.” You put hand on the mare’s shoulder and squeezed lightly. “But you know me, and I can’t be one woman’s man. Everything we do is special, though, and you know that. I’m happy to spend time with you no matter what it is.”

Lyra sniffled a little, but her gaze showed she wasn’t quite convinced.

“You and I are bros, for life. We always will be.”

“Heh… you said the thing.,” she chuckled between sniffs.

“Yeah man. Look, we’re still bros, and sex won’t change that. Okay?”

“Yeah…” Lyra gazed down at the floor for a bit, and she promptly looked up with a small smile. Giving you a little kiss, she smiled wider and gave you a dirty look. “You sure we should just stay bros? I won’t lie… I kind of liked the idea of having that cute ass of yours all to myself.”

“S-stop,” you said autistically once more. “I dunno man. I think we should play this out, and see where we go. That okay with you?”

“I guess,” Lyra said, a little crestfallen. “Yeah, that’ll be just fine bro. But, uh,” she added hesitantly, “can we still fuck like wild animals on the reg?”

“Don’t see why the hell not,” you replied, feeling your pants tighten in response to her teasing glare.

“Then it’s a deal. I’m, uh, sorry I was being such a cunt, man.” She smiled sheepishly at you, but you waved your hand nonchalantly.

“S’all good my nigga. You can pay me back with some netflix 'n' chill later on,” you smirked at your bro, patting her on the head reassuringly. “Let's get back to our drinks and bros.”

“Sounds good to me,” Lyra giggled as you both walked back over to your table.

“SO DIDJA BANG!?” Barb shouted at maximum volume as the two of you came back to the table. “I BET SHE SWALLOWED!” Barb went on excitedly as you sat down. You cocked an eyebrow at the little dragon who was acting a lot more excitable than usual.

“The fuck’s up with you?” you asked, seating your drink in its regular place back in your hand.

“I gave her the rest of my drink!” Pinkie Pie said through a giggle as the dragon laughed along with her.

“Nigga, you know she’s like twelve, right,” you said over your drink.

“Aw, c’mon party pooper! She’s already an adult. I was drinking bottles of wine at the Sabbath when I was like nine!”

“Holy horsefeathers, Pinkie. I didn’t know ya were some kind of Jew,” Applejack glared darkly at the pony.

“Oh no, I’m not. It was just a great way to get some free booze.” The pony giggled and sipped at her island-ass drink with the little umbrella.

“I like her,” you said, pointing a finger at the loud horse.

“I like you too, Nonee! No hetero, though.”

“Fuck right off, that’s our thing!” Lyra shouted, but everyone ignored her.

“I thought you were Amish, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash said, finally making her way back to home base.

“No, that’s just one of the writers. Did you score with that nice lady mare, Dashie?” Pinkie asked, batting her eyelashes.

“Nah, she was bein’ a cunt,” Dash said, moping, but quickly reacted to the question. “I mean, not like I was hitting on her or anything. Shut up, Pinkie.”

“Get rekt, bitch!” Barb shouted at Dash.

“Hey, who invited Spike? Isn’t he like, twelve? And useless?”

“That ain’t Spike. Spike’s a fake nigga. He’s not even up during real nigga hours, even though he like’s my Ponyhoof statuses the next morning.” You shot the rainbow horse a glare. “Check your fucking privilege.”

“Whatever,” Dash said into her drink. “Shouldn’t the plot be moving along right now or something?”

“Sure.” You turned towards the mint green unicorn sitting beside you. “Lyra, why don’t you dive under the table and give me a handjob?”

“Oh okay,” the mare obliged, spurred on by the four shots of vodka she had taken over the past couple minutes. The pony dove under the table, ignored by the rest of the horses who were busy chatting amongst themselves. After a quick swig of the remaining drink in your glass, you noticed that Yellow Hush, Sharpie Ass and The Princess of Spankings herself had moseyed up to the table to greet your friends.

“Oh, hey anon. I didn’t know you would be here,” Fluttershy spoke up behind her curtain of a mane.

“Great to see you, Anon,” Rarity smiled at you as she said hello.

“Ayo.” You greeted them. “Yeah, we decided to crash your little tea party or whatever gay shit you guys were going to be doing.”

“WITH NO SURVIVORS!” Barb shouted out.

“NO SURVIVORS!” You echoed your sidekick.

“Why is Spike here?” Twilight asked apprehensively, giving both you and Barb an unsure glance.”

“Seriously? Why would I hang out with that fake nigga. Spike’s the type of nigga who would suck dick for bus fare and then walk home. And that’s gay. Real gay.” You motioned to your sidekick in an extremely over the top manner. “This is my nigga Barb, she’s red, and fucks bitches.”

“Sup?” Your homie spoke up, flashing the purple alicorn some sort of gang sign. Or maybe she flashed her the peace sign. You were really too drunk to tell.

“Anon, how the hell am I supposed to give you a handjob if I have hooves,” Lyra’s newly emerged head spoke up from between your legs. “Oh hey, Twilight.”

Twilight looked over the scene before her, absolutely fury behind her eyes as looked at you and the horse positioned perfectly between your legs. Your heart skipped a beat, fearing the supposed demi-goddess looking at you as if she were about to destroy you and everything else within a fifty mile radius in a blink of an eye.

And then, she spoke. Her voice didn’t express anger, sorrow, or anything that you expected. It was only cold and emotionless.

“I need to go.”

And with that, the princess did a one-eighty, and trotted away.

“Well that was rude,” Lyra said with a raised eyebrow, before looking towards the other new arrivals. “Fluttershy, Rarity, great to see you guys! You guys get lewd with any sharpies lately?”

‘Excuse me?” Rarity said, taken aback.

“I mean, I noticed that I didn’t get that sharpie back. So I’m assuming…” Lyra trailed off, flashing the white unicorn a smug grin.

You saw the look in Rarity’s eyes, and spoke up. “It’s inside of you right now, isn’t it?”

The mare spoke up. “Look, if you want it back, I could have Fluttershy-”

“Ew, no, you can keep it.” Lyra flashed her a disgusted look. “I don’t mind butt stuff, but it has to be my butt.”

“Shut up,” you ordered your homie as you took a drink from your whiskey, “I want to see them get lewd again. Shit was pretty cash.”

“Same, to be honest,” Barb agreed.

“Second!” Pinkie Pie spoke up.

“Third!” Big Mac added in.

“Eh.” His sister shrugged indifferently.

“Fourth!” You cried, wishing to be the center of attention once again like the attention whore you were. “Now, about raiding Celestia’s personal White Cas-”

“PHONE CALL FOR LYRA!” You heard Salty scream out over the noise of the bar.

“Fuck.” You cursed, your plans to for unlimited, free sliders swindled from you once more.

“AW SHIT NIGGA, THAT’S ME!” Your homie downed the rest of her pint and jumped up from the table, bolting towards the bar with the elegance of an elephant with down’s syndrome.

You were tempted to take this opportunity to talk about Applejack’s grade A ass, but upon noticing that your drink was empty, you stood up from your seat. “I’m grabbing a drink. Any of you guys gonna accompany me?”

The horses at the table all took a glance at their empty glasses and rose up from their seats in unison, Barb jumping up seconds later after realizing she didn’t want to be the last nigga holding down the fort.

“Cool.”

Your party moseyed over to the bar, empty glasses in hand (well, in teeth when it came to the horses). Placing your glass down on the bar, you ordered a double dose of whiskey on the rocks, and took a seat at the bar, content to wait for your homie there.

“Yo Salty?” You got the bartender’s attention.

“Hmm?” He raised a curious brow at you.

“Why is your name spelt with two ‘G’’s?” You matched her raised brow with one of your own as you took a drink of your whiskey.

“Snoop Dogg is my adopted father,” Salty answered.

“Huh.”

You felt a hoof tap your shoulder. “Uh… Anon…?”

You did an one-eighty and faced the source of the voice, finding a concerned and slightly disturbed Lyra looking at you expectantly.

“Yeah brah?” You grabbed your drink from behind you and took a sip from it as you gave her your full attention.

“Remember that Octavia bitch?”

“How the fuck could I not?” Memories of chainsaws, helicopters, dicks, helicopter dicks, and urinals flashed through your mind at the mention of that posh bitch’s name. “Bruh, every time I see a urinal, I fucking get flashbacks and will end up finding myself screaming at random horses on the street.”

“Well, she-”

“WHY DO HORSES HAVE URINALS?” You demanded to know from the mint green unicorn. “HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKERS EVEN USE THEM? FUCKING EXPLAIN IT TO ME, MAN. IT MAKES NO SENSE!”

“Anon, shut the fuck up,” Lyra looked you dead in the eye, making it clear to you she meant business.

“Alright bruh, speak,” you said, motioning to her to continue.

“The weed dude just called. She just pulled the same shit with him, he escaped, and now he’s hiding somewhere in the house.”

“Where?”

“Somewhere with a bunch of urinals.”

“Fucking typical,” you groaned out.

“Yeah, right? Anyways, I’m just gonna go call the Guard. I-”

“FUCK THAT!” you interrupted your bro, jabbing a finger in her face. “First off brah, no fucking snitching! You and I both know that’s the number one rule of the streets, and even if we’d be calling the popo on a crazy bitch who tried to kill all of us, we’d still be breaking said rule.”

Lyra nodded. “True, true.”

“Second off, bro, as devoted followers of the Fonz, as the Bro Code states, we are obligated to save the Dude’s ass,” you stated, before flashing the mint green unicorn a smirk, “besides, the last thing I want is you to be constantly bitching about the dispensaries not throwing in the little extra the Dude does.” You finished off your drink, slammed down the empty glass on the table, and jumped up from your bar stool, facing the rest of your companions. “Sorry ladies, I’d love to stay here, get wasted, and then engage in raunchy group sex with five of you, but I need to run off, kick some crazy cunts ass, and save my bro’s drug dealer.”

Big Mac trotted up to you, placing a hoof on your shoulder. “Anon, there’s no way in hell Ah’m lettin’ the two of ya go back to that shithole on yer own. Ah’m in.”

“Me too, nigga! Let’s do some real gangsta shit!” Barb spoke up.

***Barb and Big Mac have joined your party***

“Fuck yeah, niggas! It’s time to chew ass!” You declared, throwing your fist in the air as you got hyped.

“I think you fucked up that line,” Lyra pointed out.

“Fuck off, cunt.” You turned your back on her and faced the rest of the grills that weren’t being stupid cunts. “You guys gonna join us, or nah?”

“I would, but I’m sure the lazy writers don’t want to put effort into writing in an additional five characters in something that is somewhat serious,” Pinkie Pie pointed out. The other four mares nodded in agreement.

“Also…” Fluttershy spoke up, “I’m too… uh…”

“Too much of a scared little bitch?” Your dragon homie finished for her.

“Um… yes, that,” the yellow horse nodded slowly to emphasize her answer.

“No you aren’t,” you said, picking the pink haired pegasus up out of her barstool.

“Eep!...”

“Fluttershy, look at me.”

“N-no,” she protested weakly.

This. Fucking. Bitch.

“LOOK AT ME!” You shouted in her face, utilizing your best Batman impression possible.

Shakily, the mare looked you in the eyes.

“WHERE’S THE JOKER?!” you demanded from her.

“W-who…?” She squeaked out.

“Wait, shit, wrong line,” you coughed awkwardly, before going on, “Homie, it’s time for your next lesson in the magic of broship.”

“Oh… alright… what’s the next lesson?”

“That’s a good question…”

The two of you stared at each other awkwardly for the next couple minutes, the horse in your hands too much of a pussy to speak, and you being too fucking retarded to say anything.

Eventually, somebody broke the silence.

“Uh…” Fluttershy raised a brow at you expectantly.

“Oh yeah, that’s right! Today, you’re going to learn that when someone fucks with your bro, you’re obligated to just-”

“FUCK THEIR SHIT UP, FAM!” All the bros in the nearby vicinity finished your sentence for you. You took time to individually flash them all the thumbs up and tip them appropriately to show your appreciation (not too much, of course, you had to keep the poor poor), before turning your attention back to the pony you were holding.

“Anyways homie, you’re coming with us, so we can transform you into a real nigga. Aight?”

“I guess…”

“Cool shit.”

***Fluttershy has joined your party***

The yellow pegasus looked up to you with a pair of inquisitive blue eyes. “I’ve got a question… if that’s alright, I mean…”

“Shoot brah,” you responded, motioning her to continue.

“Will there be booze?” she inquired.

“Of coursh!”

After several long, intense minutes of drunken stumbling through town, you and your party found yourselves outside the dreaded house that haunted your dreams, home to thousands of urinals and a certain crazy bitch.

You cringed at the memory of last week’s horrible mistake. As your mentor Bill "The Pill" Cosby once told you, it’s okay to stick your dick in anything, even if there was something in that bitch’s drink, but never, ever, EVER stick your dick in crazy.

You struck a heroic pose and pointed towards the building before you.

“I’M COMING FOR YOU, YOU CRAZY CUNT!”

You charged forward, not even bothering to wait for your party members to move with you.

“WAIT ANON, WE HAVEN’T DRANK ENOUGH YET!” Fluttershy shouted after you.

“THERE’S NO TIME!” you shouted back, not even bothering to wonder why the quietest member of your party was the one shouting after you.

In one fluid motion, you whipped your cock out, still harder than a fucking diamond from the sight of Applejack’s ass. You increased the speed of your charge, and as soon as you were within a couple feet of the front door, thrust forward, propelling yourself through the heavily barricaded door without any effort.

You struck another pose, admiring the destruction you had just caused with your diamond hammer of justice as you waited for your party to catch up to you. That shit was easier to break than a hymen.

It wasn’t very long before your companions casually walked inside through the entrance you had just penetrated.

“Damn bro, that was intense,” Lyra commented, before shooting your quality dick a glance, biting her lip as she went on, “you have a really, really nice cock there, dude.”

“Thanks bruh,” you said, waggling your cock around and accidentally slapping Fluttershy with your erection. She was used to it by now. You knew this to be true.

“...So, which way do we go?” she inquired, glancing at the various hallways before you, before turning her attention back to the handle of vodka you had given her for the journey.

“Ah think we should go this way,” Big Macintosh stated, pointing down the corridor to your left.

“Nah brah, I feeling we should go right. Right is always right, nigga,” your bottom bitch said, motioning towards the hallways opposite to the one Big Mac was pointing to.

“How about we play rock, paper, scissors to figure out an answer to this most troublesome riddle?” Barb suggested.

“We have hooves.”

“Oh, right.”

You were about to tell them to shut up and let your dick decide which way to go, but you were interrupted by a loud scream of terror, immediately followed the familiar crazed laughter the mare you knew all too well.

“THIS WAY!” You shouted, pointing your dick towards the corridor immediately to your front. You sprinted forward, your arms flying behind you as you ran like an autistic middle schooler who had just binged watched Naruto for the first time, the rest of your party close behind you.

At the end of the hall, you spotted a light. You pushed your legs even harder, quickly clearing the distance between you and the end of the corridor.

!

You exited the hallway and found yourself inside a large room resembling a colloseum. The room was circled by rows upon rows of spectator seats, where hundreds- no, thousands of urinals sat, watching the scene before them intently.

You don’t know what fucked with you more, the fucking urinals, or the fact that this fucking two story house just completely ignores the laws of physics like they were a homeless man begging for money on the street.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” was all you could get out.

“Behold peasant!” A posh voice called out from across the arena, “Your friends have come to save you!”

“...who?”

You looked towards the source of the voice, spotting the black maned horse that had been haunting you in your dreams for the past couple weeks, sitting in the lap of the minotaur you had come to save.

You immediately struck a pose, pointing towards your opponent and motioning her to fight you. “MORTAL COMBAT!”

She scoffed. “As if I’m going to get my hooves dirty by fighting you. I just got them manicured.”

[Note to self: Go for the hooves first.]

“Nigga, you don’t have much of a choice,” you stated, cracking your knuckles to emphasize your point as you began to stalk towards her.

“Actually, I do,” she said, not moving from her position.

?

Suddenly, the ceiling above exploded, creating a massive hole to appear in it.

“HAH, YOU MISSED!” you teased your opponent.

“ANON, THE DEBRIS!” Lyra cried.

“Huh?”

You looked up, and noticed the collapsing roof hadn’t just disappeared into nothingness like you expected, and was just seconds away from crashing you.

“FUCK!” Your life flashed before your eyes as time seemed to slow down, the hundreds of pounds of concrete and wood falling towards you slowing to a crawl. You took a moment to think about the amount of booze you didn’t get to drink, the amount of pussy you weren’t able to tame, and the amount of quality booty you weren’t able to admire.

Whatever, at least you got to bounce quarters of Applejack’s ass.

However, as you were about to accept your fate, the frightened screams of your companions shook you out of your trance. You shot your head towards them, and quickly realized that you weren’t the only one about to be crushed to death.

“SHIT!” With a sense of urgency, you shot your brofist towards the sky, feeling the holy power of broship fill you with warmth. In desperation, you closed your eyes and concentrated, trying make use of the power of broship to do something, anything to save your friends.

!

Suddenly, you and your friends were surrounded by a dark green bubble, much like one of those bubble shields in Halo 3. Not even a second after it appeared, the rubble collided with the shield. For the briefest of moments, you felt an intense pain inside your head as the shield took a beating from the debris, but the pain faded the moment the last piece of plywood hit the shield.

As soon as it was safe, the shield faded, and you, as well as the rest of your party, were still standing, completely unharmed.

“Dude, did you do?!” Lyra demanded from you, her eyes shining with bewilderment as she stared you down.

“Bro, I think I did!” You replied, pretty confused yourself by this change of events. You shook it off, though, as there was still an ass that needed to be kicked. Once again, you struck a pose and pointed at your foe. “NICE TRY, CUNT! BUT YOU WEREN’T EXPECTING THE POWER OF BROSHIP TO COME SAVE ME ONCE MORE! NOW, JUST FOR THAT, I REALLY AM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!”

Octavia smirked. “Tsk tsk, Anon. Did you really think that was the trick up my sleeve?”

“But ya aren’t wearing sleeves,” the red stallion beside you pointed out.

“Shut up,” she rolled her eyes, before shouting out, “Oh Scruffy~!”

“NANI?!”

A shadow fell over you and your group. You looked up in time to see a large mass fall through the massive hole in the roof and land before you, send up a large cloud of dust and debris. Once again, you concentrated on protecting your bros from the new danger and threw up a new shield, blocking any of the debris flying your way from hitting you or anybody in your party.

As the dust began to settle, your shield faded, and you struggled to see just what the fuck that thing was.

!

“FUCK!”

The dust had finally settled, revealing a class three janitor standing before you. You felt immediate disgust as you looked over it’s hideous form. Class three forum janitors were the weakest of the various classes of janitors and moderators, but they were still fucking huge, and very dangerous. This specific class three janitor was at least ten feet tall, and took up the surrounding twenty feet with it’s disgustingly huge rolls of fat. It had a couple of small arms, covered with cheeto dust and what appeared to be dry cum. It’s head with even small, to the point where it was even comical, and sitting atop its head was a crusty, old fedora, with several euphoric pins attached to it.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!” Lyra freaked out, before emptying the contents of her stomach onto the floor.

“IT’S A FUCKING JANITOR!” You looked towards the crazy bitch behind the beast. “HOW DID YOU GET A JANITOR TO DO YOUR BIDDING?!”

“It was easy,” she answered, “all I had to do with offer it some hot pockets and some thailand girl cartoon porn. It’ll do anything I ask.”

The revolting creature wheezed and sputtered, before turning it’s fat head towards the grey mare in the back, awaiting orders from her.

“Crush them.”

It screeched like a banshee in response, before lurching forward and rolling towards your party at shockingly high speeds.

“DOOOOOOOOOOODGE!” you screamed, before you and the rest of your party scattered, running for cover. The janitor passed by, luckily somehow missing everyone in your party.

Your group watched it roll to a stop at the end of the arena, coughing and wheezing as it tried to prevent itself from having a heart attack from doing so much physical activity.

“Anon?” You looked towards your aquamarine unicorn bro as she looked towards you with widened eyes, “how do we defeat something like that?”

You smirked. “Easy, bro. We use pop culture references.”

“W-what?”

You ignored her, pointing towards the young dragon who was regaining her breath a few feet away from you. “CHARMANDER!”

She looked up towards you and tilted her head in confusion. “H-huh?”

“I CHOOSE YOU!”

She blinked, before understanding your meaning. “CHAR CHAR!”

“...uh, Anon, what are you doing?” you heard Fluttershy inquire.

“Playing Pokémanz,” you responded, before turning your attention back to your pokemon, “CHARMANDER, BURN HIS ASS! USE FLAMETHROWER ON HIS ASSHOLE!”

“What da fuck.” Big Mac said in the background.

“Char!” Barb charged forward at the speed of sound and jumped up in the air. A large ball of fire built up inside of her mouth as she hovered in the air, before she unleashed hellish fury on the janitor’s ass. The fire burnt away at the janitor’s XXXXXXXXXXXXL crusty underwear for a split second, before the fabric burnt away. Fire found skin, and the creature screeched out in agony as her attack penetrated his asshole.

“Nice job, Charmander!” you cheered from the sidelines.

“JANITOR!” you heard Octavia call out, “USE EARTHQUAKE!”

“SHIT!”

The janitor, still crying in pain from Barb’s fiery onslaught, began to thrash about, throwing his arms, leg, and body about as if he were a child throwing a tantrum.

“YOU CHEATING CUNT," you spat out angrily at her, "JANITOR’S SHOULDN’T KNOW EARTHQUAKE AT THIS LEVEL! ONLY MAGNITUDE!”

The mare laughed maniacally. “I USED A GAMESHARK! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? I’M THE BAD GUY! SUCK MY TWELVE INCH CLITORIS!”

The earth began to shake from the janitor’s attack. You were suddenly knocked onto your ass, as the walls around you began to crumble. Pieces from the already damaged roof began to break away, and a large portion of remaining roof fell, falling straight towards your dragon bro.

!

“GOD DAMMIT!” you sprinted forward and grabbed your lil homie, before continuing to run as hard as you could, just narrowly avoiding being crushed by the debris with her.

“Shit dude!” she exclaimed as soon as the two of you were safe, “nigga, I don’t think I would’ve fainted if that shit hit me. Thanks a bunch, man.”

“It’s no problem, dude. I always got my homies,” you flashed her a toothy grin as you put her down, “now let’s finish this shit.”

“Right!” she said with a confident nod.

“CHARMANDER!” you exclaimed, as you pointed towards the janitor, “FINISH HIM OFF! USE FIRE BLAST!”

“NIGGA, I DON’T KNOW THAT!”

“THEN FUCKING IMPROVISE, BRO!”

She nodded, before rushing forward, running straight for the janitor. She came to a halt before the massive beast, and reached into the small pants you just noticed she was wearing for some reason-

!

NIGGA’S PACKING HEAT.

The dragon whipped a small semi-automatic pistol out of her drawers, and took aim, holding it sideways like some fucking retard gangster would in a movie.

“BLAP BLAP BLAP!” she shouted out as she mag dumped into janitor, every shot finding it’s mark because of just how fucking huge the target was, “WATCHING NIGGA’S DROP!”

As the last round impacted the creature, the janitor let out a loud cry of anguish, before falling silent and going limp.

“Huh, how about that?” You blinked, before glaring at your little red homie, “Bro, if you were packing heat this whole time, why didn’t you just use it in the first fucking place?!”

“Nigga, ammo’s expensive,” she returned your glare.

“True, true,” you felt your anger subside, before turning your attention back to your opponent, “alright, we won, now release the Weed Dude.”

“You think I am so easily defeated?” She jumped up from the Dude’s lap and started walking towards your group. “Now you must face me! And if you think the janitor was hard, wait until-”

“Charmander, use flamethrower,” you interrupted the mare.

“Thank fuck! I thought you’d never ask!” Barb exclaimed, before charging towards the mare.

A look of realization and dread overcame the mare as she noticed your dragon companion bearing down on. “W-WAIT, LET’S TALK! OVER TEA AND CRUMPETS!”

“It’s a little too late for that!” You responded to her pleas with a hint of mirth.

“I’LL SUCK YOUR DICK! I’LL SUCK IT DRY!” she threw out in desperation.

“Hmm…” you brought your hand up to your chin and thought over her offer.

“Anon, ya can’t seriously be considering that,” Big Mac flashed you a condescending look.

“Hey dude, free head is free head.”

“She tried to kill us…” the one with the butterflies on her ass pointed out.

“Yeah, but, blowjobs, dude,” you explained to her.

You felt somepony lay a hoof on your shoulder. You glanced over, and spotted Lyra looking up at you. “Anon, I’ll straight up sip your tip and force Fluttershy to get involved if you turn her ass into bacon.”

“...uh… well, you really wouldn’t have to force me to do anything…” you looked her way with a raised brow, which immediately turned the mare’s yellow face a bright shade of pink, “...just being honest…”

Your dick twitched in favor of the second option. You looked towards the dragon who was awaiting your answer, and signalled her to continue with a thumbs down. She nodded, and faced the mare, a ball of flame beginning to form in her mouth as she charged up her attack. Octavia stopped her pleas, as a look of calmness and resignation overtook her. Seconds later, Barb unleashed her attack, as a wall of flames shot out of her mouth. As the fiery onslaught overtook the mare, she remained silent and still. Even as her coat, flesh, and bone burnt away, not a word, not a cry, nothing was heard from Octavia.

She had accepted her fate, and faded away without even a whisper.

When Barb had finally stopped her onslaught, there was nothing left, just a pile of ashes.

“Dude, you better have been fucking serious about that double blowjob,” you said to Lyra, “because that shit was kinda fucked.”

“Bruh, you saved my weed dealer, of course I’m going to make that double blowjob happen,” she said, flashing you one of the most genuine smiles you had ever seen. Not counting the one she flashed you last night after you fucked the shit out of her, of course.

“Cool, cool.”

“Yooooooo…” you heard the minotaur address your party, “no rush or anything, dudes, but would you guys do me a solid and set me free?”

Lyra blinked. “Dude, you’re not even tied up.”

“I’m not?” He moved his arms, realizing that your bottom bitch wasn’t lying to her, before standing up. “Huh…”

You groaned internally. That double blowjob better be worth the effort you went through to save this guy.

“Alright, I’ve had just about enough of this place,” you said, cringing at the site of the various urinals surrounding your party, “let’s burn this place down and get the fuck outta here before something else happens.”

The others in your party nodded in agreement, and with that, you grabbed a conveniently placed can of gasoline, emptying it out as your group exited the house. You tossed the now empty can aside, and with a signal to your dragon homie, had her light the house ablaze.

“THE FIRE RISES!” You exclaimed, watching the house quickly light up.

“Ah’m bored,” Big Mac stated, “Ah’ll catch ya’ll around.”

“Same dude, same, see you, dudes,” the Weed Dude said, as he followed the red stallion’s lead.

“...I need to go masturbate…” Fluttershy said as she trotted away.

Soon, all that was left was you, Lyra, and Barb. You shrugged, and faced your remaining party members. “Alright faggots, let’s go home and get fucking wasted!”

Lyra let loose a cheer. “Fuck yeah, dude! That shit sounds great!”

The three of you began to walk away from the burning house of horrors, but you paused, and looked back at the destruction, before looking down at the little homie standing beside you who fought her heart out to save not only your bro’s weed dealer, but also the rest of your bro’s asses as well. She was battered, bruised, and even dirtier than before. Her fatigue from the battle was clearly much worse than yours.

She noticed you looking down at her, and she looked up at you with an inquisitive look. “Sup?”

“You look tired, bro,” you pointed out the obvious.

“Yeah, I guess I am,” she shrugged it off.

That was all you need to hear. Wordlessly, you bent down and grabbed your homie.

“E-eh?” she flashed you an even more confused look.

“Don’t worry dude, I’m just giving you a piggy back ride.”

“Oh… well, alright nigga. My feet hurt, so I appreciate it.”

You placed on your shoulders, Barb immediately taking the opportunity to stretch out and get /comfy/. A sigh of relief escaped her mouth as she spoke. “So… where exactly are we heading, anyways?”

You looked up at the young dragoness riding on your shoulders. “A place with warm showers, hot food, good booze, and comfortable couch to sleep on. If, you know, you’re interested in that.”

Barbie blinked, not quite believing what she was hearing. “Dude, you’ve only known me for a day, and you’re offering to take me in?”

A smile spread across your face. “Bruh, not only are you chill as fuck, but you put your life on the line just to help save my bro’s weed dealer. Shit, the least I can do for saving me from all her bitching is offer you a way off the streets.”

The dragoness hummed happily, before matching your toothy grin with one of her own. “Yeah dude, I guess you could say I’m pretty interested in that.”

“Well then,” you said, as you began to walk again, “let’s go home.”

It wasn’t long before you and your two companions wound up standing outside your front door.

“Alright, lil nigga, this is home. It’s kind of a piece of shit, but whatever,” you said with a chuckle.

“Dude, it’s not the streets, so I could care less,” Barb pointed out.

“True, true.”

“For Celestia’s sake, could we just go inside already?” Lyra asked, “It’s fucking cold out here.”

“Oh, right! Sorry bro,” you apologized, rubbing the back of your head awkwardly, “I keep forgetting it’s the middle of winter for some reason.”

As you reached into your pocket for your key, you heard somebody descending the stairs. You looked up, and spotted your hot MILF landlady trotting down the stairs.

“Ayo, what’s up Daisy? You lookin’ fine in the moonlight,” you hollered at the mare, flashing her a thumbs up.

“Ara ara, thanks An-” she stopped mid sentence, as she caught sight of the dragoness sitting on your shoulder, “Uh, Anon, you don’t get to bring pets.”

“She’s not my pet,” you pointed out, “she’s a dragon, and she’s my homie. Not some domesticated animal.”

“Anon, I know a pet when I see one, I’m not stupid,” the mare said, glaring at you with the intensity of a thousand suns, “Either she goes, or you go.”

“Dude, seriously, she's not a pet, she speaks full sentences and everything,” you flashed the mare a condescending look, much like the one a certain balding, baseball bat wielding comedian would use when dealing with someone being as ridiculous as your landlady.

“Yeah dude, seriously, I’m not a fucking pet.” Barb spoke up, mimicking your look, “Do you see a collar on my neck? That shit would be hella creepy if Anon made me wear one of those. I can understand Lyra here, but me, I-”

“Alright, alright, that’s it!” She exclaimed, stomping her hoof into the snow in anger, “If you can’t accept the terms of the lease, you need to leave. You have till the end of the week to move out.”

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” all three of you shouted at once.

“Good night, Anon, Lyra. Don’t make me call the Guard on you guys,” she warned, before continuing on her way.

“Bitch be racist against dragons, yo,” Barb said, crossing her arms and pouting.

“Uh… Anon…” your unicorn bro spoke up, flashing you a worried look.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan,” you reassured your homie, patting her head affectionately.

KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK-

The front door to the Apple’s homestead swung open as Big Mac poked his head out, glaring at the three of you. “Anon, what in Sam Hill-”

“Hey bro, I’m sure you’re eating dinner right now or something important like that, but I have a favor to ask of you,” you said, shooting him a shit eating grin.

“Uh… like?” he raised a brow at you.

“We just got evicted because apparently dragons are pets. Got anywhere we can crash?” You inquired, your grin growing shittier by the second.

Your bro blinked. “Are ya serious?”

“Very.” Lyra spoke up.

Big Macintosh groaned. “Celestia dammit… Ah’ll talk to Granny. Ah don’t think she’ll mind, since we plenty of room ta accommodate ya’ll, but she’ll probably end up makin’ ya guys work fer it.”

“B-but working’s hard,” you pouted.

“Then don’t get evicted,” he smirked smugly as he opened the door for you and your companions, “Come on in, ya’ll can warm up and get sum grub in ya. The last thing Ah want is muh crew to catch colds.”

You smiled, and brought your bro in for brohug. “That’s what it's about, man. Bros for life. Thanks brah.”

“Anytime bruh,” he responded, return your brohug with vigor, “Ah’m sure ya’d do the same fer me and my family if we needed ya to.”

“Of coursh!” You released your homie, before motioning your two other bros inside. “Come on, fags, let’s eat all their food and complain about the fact we don’t get enough free shit like a bunch of Middle Eastern refugees.”

“So, Ah talked with Granny,” Big Mac said as he led you and your posse upstairs, “ya’ll can stay in our guest bedrooms, though Granny said ya have ta work if ya wanna stay here.”

“Fuck,” came the collective response, earning an amused chuckle from Big Mac.

“Ya will live. Anyways, Anon, yer just gonna do what ya usually do on the farm when it’s actually active.”

“You mean pretend to work and stare at your sister’s ass?” You smirked at your homie.

“Nah bruh, yer gonna be sortin’ apples. And if ya don’t do yer job, Granny’s gonna kick yer ass outta here, so ya better not stare at dat ass too long and actually do yer job.”

“Fuck.”

The red stallion grinned, before looking over Lyra. “Lyra, yer gonna be helpin’ AJ and Ah pick apples. That magic is gonna come in mighty handy once Winter wraps up and the apple orders start floodin’ in.”

“Double fuck,” Lyra groaned.

“And Barb, on account of the fact ya can’t really be doin’ manual labor much since yer a younglin’, we’re just gonna have ya help around the house with cookin’ and the like.”

“Fuck yes!” the young dragoness cheered, “Dude, I love cooking meth! Shit’s fucking fun as hell!”

“Uh… Ah’m talkin’ about food…” Big Mac raised a brow at her behavior.

“Oh… triple fuck!”

The stallion led the three of you to the end of the hallway, where two doors lay in wait. “Barb, yer gonna be stayin’ in the room on the right. Anon, Lyra, yer gonna be stayin’ in the room on the left.”

“Woah, I get my own room?” Big Mac nodded in response to your lil red homie’s question. “Fucking score! Thanks dude!”

And with that, the young dragoness fled into her flood, probably feeling happier than she’s ever felt in her life. You had to be honest, even you and Lyra got booted from your apartment, just seeing Barb like that made it worth it.

“Anyways, Ah need ta go ta bed.” Big Mac said, rubbing the sand out of his eyes. “The bathroom’s near the stairs, there’s food in the kitchen if ya need it, and don’t fuck my sister without my approval.” He began to turn to walk away from the two of you, but paused. “One more thing, Ah don’t mind if ya two decide to get lewd, but please, for the love of fuck, keep it down, and wash the sheets when you're done.”

You heard an embarrassed giggle emanate from Lyra as the red stallion turned around and walked away from the two of you. Once he was gone, she spoke up. “You and I both know that’s not going to happen,” she said, winking at you.

“Yeah, fuck no. There’s no way I’m fucking working,” you stated, “I’d much rather be on the streets than work. I’m just going to make Pablo do all my work, like usual.”

Lyra giggled, before smiling up at you. “No Anon, I was talking about me keeping quiet.”

“Oh,” you blinked, “Lewd.”

The mare let out a loud yawn, before leaning against you. “Hey… I’m tired. Think you could put me to bed?”

“Yeah bro, no problem, I lift,” you said, squatting down and picking up your bottom bitch, throwing her over your shoulder before entering your new quarters.

You looked about, finding yourself in a conservatively furnished room. There was only one decently sized bed and a cupboard, basically your average guest bedroom. You shrugged off the nakedness of it, figuring you could add your own personal touch to it after you grabbed all your shit from your old apartment. You gently placed the mare hanging onto you on the bed, before jumping in yourself, climbing under the covers and getting /comfy/. The mare beside you did the same, wrapping her hooves around you and resting her head comfortably upon your chest.

“Hey… Anon?” Lyra spoke up.

“Yo?”

“You’re a faggot,” she said with a smirk.

“Wow. Fucking Rude,” you responded in a mock hurt tone, before smiling at your bro.

She giggled. “Seriously though, I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier, and while it may not personally be the way I want things, as long as I’m with you, I could care less about having to share you with others. I mean, sharing is caring, right?”

“That’s exactly how I see it,” you stated.

“Just one thing, though…” she said, getting dead serious.

“What’s that?” you raised an inquisitive brow at her.

“If you ever drop me to side ho status, I’ll bite your dick off,” Lyra stated, flashing you her chompers at she smiled pleasantly at you.

You chuckled, waving off her concerns. “You don’t have to worry about that, bro. You’re not just a grillfriend like anyone else would be, you’re also one of my best bros. There’s no way that anybody can beat that.”

“I’ll take your word for it, Anon,” she said, planting a small kiss on your chest. “Good night, Anon.”

“Night bro.”

And with that, the two of you fell silent, and, the day having taken it’s toll on the both of you, quickly passed out.

“Hey Anon?” Lyra called over to you.

“Yo,” you replied, not looking away from the television as you wiped the floor with some underage faggots on Battlefield.

Boy, you sure loved sniping bitches.

“Do you ever wonder what we’d be like if we were born the other sex?” she asked.

“Huh? FUCK!” you screeched like a banshee as an enemy sniper figured out where you were hiding and nailed you in the fucking head. You promptly ragequit, threw the controller to the side (which exploded), and turned towards your bro. “I’m sorry… what was that?”

“I said, do you ever think what we’d be like if we were born as the other sex?” Lyra repeated with an annoyed look.

“Oh yeah! All the fucking time, man. You should see the doujins Pablo and I came up with based off that.” An excited grin spread across your face.

“You made doujins about us being born the opposite sex?”

You nodded ecstatically. “You wanna see them?”

“Fuck yeah I do!”

“FUCK YEAH BRO!”

“You wanna masturbate back to back while looking at them?” Lyra asked, eyeing you down as she bit down on her lip.

“Of course! That’s part of the magic of sharing your doujins with your bro, man.” You grinned as you motioned her towards your bedroom. “Come along nigga, let’s do this shit!”

“Fuck yes! This shit’s gonna be awesome!” the mare cheered as she followed you out of the room.

Your eyes fluttered open as you awoke from your drunken slumber, only to find that you couldn’t see shit.

“OH SHIT, I’M FUCKING BLIND!”

“No you aren’t, you dumb bitch, you’re just buried under a mountain of empty beer cans like usual, you fucking alcoholic,” a familiar, masculine voice advised you.

“Oh… WAIT!” You immediately shook the cans off yourself and jumped up off the floor, pointing a threatening finger at the source of the voice. “WHO GOES THERE?!”

“Huh? Dude, it’s me, Lyre.” The stallion who lounged about on a nearby couch raised a brow at your behavior, before he took a casual sip from the smoothie in his hooves. “Did you get fucked so hard last night that you developed amnesia or something?”

“Nah, I’m just autistic.” You flashed your bro a cheeky grin. “So, how many dicks did I take last night?”

“Uh…” Lyre brought his hoof up to his chin and scratched it in thought. “Thirty seven. That sounds about right.”

“In a row?”

He chuckled. “Yeah, in a row.”

You waited for Lyre to take another drink from his smoothie before you asked your next question. “So… were you one of them?” You wiggled your eyebrows at him with a playful smirk as you asked this.

The stallion coughed on his drink and looked your way with widened eyes. “W-WHAT?!”

You giggled to yourself. “Come on dude, there’s nothing wrong with fooling around with your bros. So long as you say no hetero first.”

“I-I-” The stallion suddenly looked down, then crossed his legs, his face turning a light shade of red. “That’s really lewd, man!”

“I know, isn’t it?” A mischievous smile crossed your face. “What you got going on today, Lyre?”

“Uh… I’m probably gonna spend the rest of the day drinking and moping due to my crippling loneliness, with some hardcore masturbation mixed in. That’s how I typically spend Hearts and Hooves day.” Lyre looked off to the side, a sad look crossing his face.

“Sounds like a blast, nigga.” You giggled, but quickly realized something was up. “Oh wait, you’re serious… are you alright, dude?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just Hearts and Hooves bullshit. Don’t worry about it.” He flashed you a weak grin, but it quickly faltered.

“You’re full of horse shit, in both a metaphorical and literal sense.” You walked over to Lyre and plopped down on the couch beside him, your tits bouncing in an awesome display of fan service as you landed, and wrapped an arm around the stallion. “Come on dude, you know if there’s somebody you can talk to about this shit, it’s me.” Your facial expression morphed from one of concern to one to confusion. “Now… explain to your homie what Hearts and Hooves Day is.”

“It’s a holiday card companies pulled out of their asses to get them more money. It revolves around love and romance. Also being drunk and lonely,” he explained.

“Oh, so like Valentine's Day?”

“Huh?” The stallion blinked.

“Nevermind. So why are you all mopey and shit, nigga?”

“Well…” Lyre hesitated to open up, but after a moment’s delay, he took a breath and continued. “I haven’t had a special somepony in like… ever, bro. I mean, you know I’ve never really been a social pony. I’ve been a bit of a social recluse for most of my life, especially since I’ve moved to Ponyville.”

“Yes, I’m well aware of how much of a loser stoner you are.” You smiled reassuringly at your bro as he appeared to be hurt by this statement. “I’m just fucking with you, man. Continue.”

He spared you a small grin, before complying. “Anyways… I’m kinda used to it, but the loneliness always gets to me on Hearts and Hooves Day. Hence why I’m in a pretty shit mood right now.”

“Hmmm…” You hmm’d as you scratched your chin in thought. After several painful moments of thinking, you came to a conclusion. “You know, I planned to just go fuck with Shiny-ass, or go chill with Red Gala, Butterscotch, or Elusive today, but you know what I’m going to do, bruh?”

“What?” Lyre raised a curious brow at you.

You leaned towards the stallion and placed a single finger against his chest, causing him to stiffen (in more than one way) as you played around with a tuft of fur. “I’m gonna be your Valentine!”

His cheeks turned a deep shade of scarlet as he heard this. “W-WHAT?!”

“Or special somepony, or whatever you guys call it.” You grinned as you noticed his face get redder and redder with each word you said. “So… where’s my chocolate and flowers?”

“I-I don’t have any!” he stammered out, growing more and more flustered.

“WHAT?!” You pushed the stallion away from you and glared at him. “YOU DIDN’T GET ME ANY FUCKING VALENTINE’S DAY GIFTS?! YOU’RE SO FUCKING SELFISH!”

“B-BUT!” He attempted to respond, but was too flustered to get out a proper reply.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE I WAS GONNA LET YOU GO ALL THE WAY WITH ME! I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU THE BROJOB OF YOUR LIFE, YOU SELFISH PRICK!”

You took a moment to admire the look of absolute horror on Lyre’s face, before your facial expression morphed into an evil, toothy grin. Your bro quickly picked up on your change of demeanor. “You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?”

“Yup!” you chirped, much to his dismay. You hopped off the couch and made your way into the kitchen. “So, what exactly do you do on your Valentine’s Day ripoff?”

“The point is to spend the day with ponies that you care about. Show them how much you love them, blah blah blah. It’s super mega gay.”

“Sounds pretty gay to me, fam.” You cracked open a beer and took a nice long sip. “But there’s still chocolate and flowers and shit, right?”

“Yeah, usually. All that lame stuff.”

“Shut the fuck up! I love chocolate and flowers. They’re really sweet. Also, I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to milk chocolate.”

Lyre gave you a skeptical look and rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, I can tell, the way your ass jiggles everywhere.”

“Hey, cockhole, my ass is perfect in every way.” You grabbed your gift from God himself and glared daggers at your pony bro. “There a reason you’re checking out my ass?”

Lyre snapped his gaze forward and took an awkward sip of his smoothie. “N-no.”

“That’s what I thought!” you said self-assuredly and moonwalked back to your bro, making sure that you were at an angle that showed off just how amazing your ass was. You set your drink on the table and plopped down on the couch, laying on your back with your head facing Lyre. Laying your head down on his leg, you smiled up at him.

“Hey, Lyre?” The pony ignored you.

"Lyre."

"Lyre."

"Lyre."

"Lyre."

“Lyre.”

“Lyre.”

“Lyre.”

“Lyre.”

“Lyre.”

“Lyre.”

“Lyre.”

“Lyre.”

“Lyr-”

“WHAT!?” the pony shouted at you.

“Wanna streak nude through the Burger Barn to help you feel better?” The pony tried to remain serious, but the combination of your stupid look and the idea of doing something so ridiculous all but destroyed his resolve. Cracking a sideways grin, he tried not to laugh.

“That’s not fair, you’re the only one who wears clothes.”

“Well fine, I guess you could just watch my fantastic tits bounce around.”

Lyre rolled his eyes. “Those milk bags aren’t that great. I don’t know why humans have them in such a ridiculous place.”

“Shut the fuck up!” you cried, grasping at your lovely ladies. “My tits are... the tits, bro. Besides, the readers love them.”

What?”

“Exactly.” You smirked at him as you sat up. “So you wanna get out of the house and do some shit? Or do you just expect me to have pity sex with you because you’re acting like a bitch?”

“Uh… could we do both?” Lyre trademark smug ass grin returned as these words left his mouth.

You giggled and patted your bro on the cheek. “There’s the nigga everyone loves.” You jumped off the couch and motioned towards the front door. “Now it’s time for him and the nigga everybody loves to hate to get the fuck outta here.”

After spending way too much time getting dressed, you and your lone party member finally left your shitty apartment.

“Yo, bro, I gotta ask… what’s the point in wearing a sweater with a massive hole in it?” Lyre inquired, staring at your chest with a mixture of confusion and arousement.

“It’s the ‘in’ fashion right now.” You said, groping your girls with affection. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Uh… I’m pretty sure that meme died out at the beginning of 2015,” Lyre pointed out.

“Shut the fuck up!” You glared at him, before lightening up and regarding him with a raised brow. “So, what’s the plan for the day? And for the love of the Fonz, don’t say the fucking Winchester for the hundredth time.”

“Hmm…” He took a moment to ponder your question. “iunno, go to the movies? Go out to eat? That’s what you’re supposed to do on Hearts and Hooves Day, right?”

You scoffed. “Dude, do I really seem the type of chick to be into that stuff? Take me to a dive bar or some shit.”

“Sooooo… the Winchester?” He eyed you suspiciously.

“Nigga, what the fuck did I just fucking say?” You leered at him. “Come on, there has to be something more original to do together than go to the Winchester.”

“It’s kinda difficult to come up with plans when your date is fucking special needs.” Lyre pointed out with a smug grin.

“Touché.” You let out an annoyed sigh. “Whatever, I can’t think of anything else. Let’s go piss off Red Gala while we try to figure something out.”

“Aight,” your bro said with an indifferent shrug.

The two of you continued on, engaging in random, philosophical debate as the two of you made your way towards the Ponyville market, which was the most likely place your other best bro would be at the moment.

According to the guide, at least.

“Hey dude?” you spoke up.

“Yo?” Lyre looked your way with a raised brow.

“If the writers decide to write smut from my point of view, and the reader is a straight dude, wouldn’t that be kinda homo?”

He shrugged. “No clue. But if I were in their position, I’d say no homo first just in case.”

“Wise words, fam.” you said with a sage nod, before you leaned towards the stallion, smirking at him. “I bet you’d love to read some smut about us, wouldn’t you?”

“Definitely,” he responded with a grin.

Before you could push the conversation any further, you realized that you had reached your final destination; the Horseytown market. Where farmers sold their goods, big snouted merchants swindled the unfortunate of their hard earned bits, and you turned tricks every Tuesday for some extra bits. It was the heart and soul of your little town, probably one of your favorite places in Horseytown.

Mainly because you loved stopping by and pissing off Red Gala whenever you had the time to spare.

Speaking of which…

“POKE!” you screamed out at an unnecessarily loud volume as you snuck up on your sister-from-another-mother-and-species and poked her butt.

“Stop.”

“POKE!”

“Stop.”

“I AM POKING YOU!”

“Ah can see that.” Red Gala rounded on you and flashed you a grin. “Do ya ever get tired of bustin’ mah clit, Anonette?”

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooope~” You said in a sing song voice, flashing the red mare an innocent look. “Busting your clitoris is my favorite part of the day.”

“I thought your favorite part of the day was sucking dick at dive bars?” Lyre spoke up.

You said nothing in response, only taking a moment to flick the stallion’s snout, eliciting a loud, pained yelp from him. Satisfied with your bro’s pain, you once again faced the red mare with a smile. “So, what you got going on today, nigga? It is Valentine’s- I mean, Hearts and Hooves Day, after all.”

“Workin’. Eating supper with the family afterwards,” she answered. Her pleasant grin faltering slightly.

“WHAT?!” Before Red Gala realized what was happening, you were upon her, your digits dancing along your bro’s fine postier. You grabbed a handful of her glorious ass, eliciting a yelp from her. “Dude, have you seen your ass? You rate, nigga. How the fuck do you not have anything going on today?”

“W-well.” The mare stammered as she tried to escape your grasp, but your grip was much too strong for her. Resigning to her fate, she continued. “Ah dunno… between work and the family, Ah really don’t have time to get out there.”

“Hmm…” Once more, you found yourself in contemplation. You glanced at Red Gala as you scratched your chin in thought, then over to Lyre, then back to your sister-from-another-mother-and-species.

You had come to a conclusion.

“You know what I’m going to do?” you asked the mare.

“Huh?”

“I’m taking you out.” You flashed her a mischievous grin.

“Ya mean in like “we’re all friends, let’s all hang out on Hearts and Hooves Day” going out?” Red Gala raised a brow at you.

“Nooooooooooooope~” Your grin widened as you moved closer to the mare. “I mean like ‘we’re gonna fuck around all day and probably fuck after everything, full homo’ type of going out.”

“Wait!” You shot your head towards the aquamarine unicorn as he spoke up. “I thought that’s what we were doing?”

“Yup! And that’s what we’re still doing. I can handle both of you at the same time, no problem,” you said with a smirk, before turning back towards Red Gala. “What do you say, bruh?”

“Well… uh… Ah…” An awkward giggle escaped the mare’s lips as she rubbed at her neck, unable to meet your eyes with hers.

“You’re supposed to swallow cum, not your words,” you stated, shooting Gala a condescending look, “spit it out, girl.”

You swore her cheeks turned an even darker shade of red as she spoke. “It’s not like Ah haven’t considered it before…”

“Well, no shit!” you declared with a smirk. “Everyone wants a piece of this ass.” You turned around, bent over, and smacked your well toned ass in the mare’s face to emphasize your point.

*SMACK*

A low moan escaped your mouth as you felt Red Gala strike out at the ass being presented to her, her hoof finding it’s mark and striking you smack dab in the middle of your right ass cheek. You turned your head around and glanced the mare’s way, seeing her eyeing you with a smug grin, her hoof still in the air.

“Yeah, Ah guess ya could say Ah was cravin’ a piece of that ass.”

“WAIT, ARE WE SMACKING ANONETTE’S ASS?” Lyre suddenly shouted out like an autist.

*SMACK*

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG~” you didn’t even bother keeping quiet as the aquamarine unicorn’s hoof fell upon your left cheek. “L-lewd.”

Red Gala and Lyre shared a look, before the two of them struck out at your sensitive buttocks, sending a jiggle through each firm, yet soft cheeks. Starting up a good pace, each of them took a strike one after the other, sending almost electric surges of pleasure up your spine.

With each impact of hoof on ass, a satisfying smack rung out around the surroundings as your glutes bounced back from each hit. You fell to your hands and knees as your bro’s onslaught began to become too much for even you to handle.

“What the hell?!”

Red Gala and Lyre stopped mid-smack as they turned towards the source of the voice, who happened to be a familiar purple unicorn.

You managed to regain some control of yourself as flipped over and sat down on your reddenned buttocks, your legs still too weak for you to stand. “H-hey Dusk. Wanna join in?” you asked, biting down on your lower lip as you eyed him down.

“Uh… no, but I appreciate the offer. I was just coming by to pick up a snack before getting back to work on…”

You began to block out his voice when he started to talk about smart people crap that you didn’t care about. Virgins, always ruining the fun.

“I think the stand’s closed, Shiney-ass. If you really want a snack, though, you can always suck on these bad boys,” you smirked, shaking your anime status tiddies at the stallion.

He rolled his eyes, like an extremely rude individual. “Tempting, but I’ve got work to do. I’ll see you guys around.” He began to trot away, but stopped abruptly, looking back towards you. “And, Anonette, don’t call me Shiny-ass.”

“B-but your ass is so shiny!” you protested, crossing your arms across your chest and pouting. Dusk Shine ignored you as he trotted away to do whatever boring shit he was going on about earlier.

What a nerd.

“Whatever,” you said to yourself as you shrugged, before holding your arms out your companions. “Help me up, guys. My ass is starting to hurt from sitting on it.”

The two horses obliged, grabbing your arms and pulling you up from the ground. You flashed them a thankful smile as you brushed the dirt off your mini-skirt. “Fuck, I am so unbelievably soaked right now. Probably a bad day to wear a skirt with no pantsu, right?”

“Knowing ya, that probably has more positives than negatives,” Red Gala pointed out.

“Right? I am such a slut~” you grinned at the red mare, before looking over to Lyre, “Alright pretty boy, where are you taking us?”

“H-huh? Nigga, I thought you said you were going to decide when you didn’t like any of my suggestions.” He raised a brow at your flip-floppery.

“Well, I changed my mind,” you said, flicking the stallion’s nose playfully, resulting in yet another pained yelp from him, “You’re the man, or stallion, I guess. The one with a cock and balls, I should say. Decide what we’re doing already.”

“Uh…” Lyre paused, taking a moment to think.

“Come on, bruh, git gud,” Red Gala egged him on.

“Shut up, I’m trying to think,” he glared at the crimson mare. He went silent for a few moments, before a look of realization crossed his face. “I got it! Let’s go hit up the Hearts and Hooves Day Fair!”

You scoffed. “Nigga, that sounds gay as fuck.”

“With a twenty-bit fee, you get unlimited alcoholic cider and free rides,” he retorted with a condescending look.

“Ah can confirm, Ah supplied the whole thing. Hell, Ah could probably get us in for free if Ah talked with the right ponies,” your sister-from-another-mother-and-species offered.

“OH FUCK!” You felt the hype within you begin to rise as you exclaimed this, “TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE-”

Lyre covered your mouth with his hoof, shooting you an annoyed glare. “Shut.” His glare abruptly morphed into a confused and shocked look. “Nigga, are you fucking sucking on my hoof? Do you have any idea where that’s been?”

He pulled his now saliva covered hoof away from your mouth as you shot him a smirk. “Lyre, if you don’t want to get a little wet, don’t put your hoof near any of my holes.”

“L-lewd…”

“Now…” you began, as you leaned in towards the stallion, looking him dead in the eyes as you spoke, “take us to the fair, pretty boy.”

He rolled his eyes. “Alright, come on. Let’s get there before all the booze gets drunk.”

“WOO HOO!” you cheered, “GET FUCKING HYPE NIGGAS!”

“Nigga, how the FUCK are you already drunk?” Lyre demanded from you as you all walked through the fair.

“WITH UNLIMITED BOOZE, LYRE! I THOUGHT YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS!” You shouted much too loudly for the surrounding area.

“Git gud, Lyre,” Red Gala said into her drink.

“Yeah dude, git gud,” you repeated, slugging the stallion playfully in the shoulder.

He mumbled to himself, “We’ve only been in here fifteen minutes…” Before dropping the subject completely. He knew you were right. “So, where do you cunts wanna go first?”

“Wherever our drunken minds take us,” you answered, taking a deep swig of your cider, “The possibilities are endless!”

Just then, something caught your interest from out of the corner of your eye. It was one of those games where you threw a ball at a stack of bottles to win some prize that you didn’t really care about. You really just wanted to knock some shit over.

"I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO!"

You rushed over to the booth and kicked the attendant in the dick, before grabbing a pair of balls.

Heh... Balls...

"What are you doing, dude?" Lyre asked, examining you with a curious brow.

"Winning prizes for my dates, of course," you said with a pleasant smile.

"Ya just assaulted the attendant... Why don't ya just jack him? These shitty dolls
are only worth like two cents anyways," Red Gale pointed out.

"Shush," you shushed her, "it's not very ladylike to not win fairly."

"It's also not very ladylike to suck ten different dicks in one go, but that doesn't stop you," Lyre said with an amused grin. You said nothing, just shot him an annoyed glare as you flicked his snout.

"Quiet, I need to concentrate."

You stood before you challenge and struck a pose, casually tossing one of the balls up and down in the air.

Feeling ready, you rose your hand over your head, stepped forward, and threw the ball as hard as you could.

...Only for you to completely miss, having it ricochet off of the wall, and hit Butterscotch right in the dick as he was passing by.

"MAN, I FUCKING SUCK!"

"YA SURE DO, YA SHIT CUNT!" shouted a random passerby who looked and talked like the Crocodile Hunter.

"FUCK YOU, AND YOUR FAT COW OF A MOTHER!" you shouted back, before rounding on Lyre. "Lyre, win me a prize. Please? Pretty please? With a blowjob on top?"

“Aight bro, lemme take a shot at this shit,” the unicorn said as he took the remaining ball from your hand.

He raised his hoof, wound it up, and threw the ball in a completely straight line. The throw was good, the ball making a course for a direct hit with the bottles. Everything was looking great until the booth attendant began to rise from the floor, his head right in front of the line of fire.

Unfortunately for him, Lyre, and you, the ball hit him in the head, knocking him back down and sending the ball towards you. The projectile then bounced off of your tits and somewhere into the stratosphere.

"Fuck it," Lyre walked past the booth attendant with the concussion and grabbed two of the giant Bart Simpson knock off dolls, before throwing them to you and Red Gala. "It was a stupid game anyways."

The both of you nodded, before following Lyre to… wherever. Not knowing what to do with the cheap knockoff, you stored it somewhere in hammerspace as you walked. Various smaller attractions passed you all by, none catching anyone’s interest. Eventually, Red found something that interested her.

“Hey, look over there!” she said, pointing at something with her hoof.

“Oh nice, it’s one of those hammer game things!” Lyre said.

“You mean whack a mole?” you questioned, too busy drunkenly staring at a stallion who wasn’t bothering to cover up a boner.

“Nah slut, ah mean one of them things that tests your strength!” the red pony corrected.

You turned around, suddenly a bit more interested.

“Oh fuck yeah, I got this shit,” you claimed, starting a beeline towards the machine.

“Not if ah get there first!” Red Galla challenged, speeding past you.

“Hey cunt, ponies run faster than humans, that ain’t cool!” you complained, trying to keep up while still intoxicated.

“Maybe ya oughta pace yourself on the cider next time!” She laughed.

“You shut up! I...” You trailed off before noticing something odd.

“What’s wrong, Anonette? Can’t keep… up..?” Red said before stopping as well.

What you both saw surprised you. Apparently Lyre got there before the both of you.

“The fuck?” you started. “How the shit did you get here before us both?”

“Yeah bro, the fuck happened there?” your red friend questioned.

“No one said I couldn’t teleport,” the mint colored unicorn claimed with a smirk.

“And after what I did for you today, too…” You began, falling to your knees. “Then you go and cheat! I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!” you started to yell, attracting the crowd’s attention, much to the irritation of the others.

The red pony cleared her throat. “Nothin’ to see here folks, she’s just special needs.”

You slumped your shoulders in defeat, “Aw, and I was just getting into it, too.”

Red rolled her eyes and punched your shoulder. “Save it for the breakup, sugarcube.”

With that, you began taking turns trying the machine. Lyre was up first. Grabbing the mallet, he stepped back a ways then took a few bounds forward before jumping up and hitting the button. The puck ended up going about halfway up. He went back further for his second attempt. When he was ready, he charged forward, mane waving in the breeze. Jumping up at least a foot in the air, he slammed down with all his might.

Neither you nor the pony next to you could keep from laughing. Lyre looked up, only to be disappointed when he saw that the puck actually didn’t go up as far this time. He walked towards Red Gala, handing her the mallet.

“Shit’s rigged, nigga, I swear.” Lyre said.

“We’ll see, fam,” she said confidently.

Red only required a few steps back before she lunged at the button with the hammer. A ding rang out shortly after. With a smug grin, she trotted back to you, giving your the hammer.

“Let’s see you beat that,” she said.

With a toothy grin, you walked towards the machine.

“No worries bro. I got this.”

Your bros looked back at you, puzzled.

“Aren’t you gonna use the hammer?” Lyre questioned.

Tilting your head back towards them, you spoke. “Who needs a hammer when I got this?”

You bent over slightly and smacked your perfectly toned derriere at the two members of your party, flashing them a confident smirk.

“Aw shit! It’s going down!” Lyre exclaimed.

“Ah believe in ya, Anonette! Do it!” Gala cheered for you.

You stepped before the machine, striking a pose before it. “You think you can best me?! My ass is the 8th Wonder of the World. It’s made of pure fucking diamonds! You’re nothing compared to my ass!” After finishing screaming at the inanimate object like a crazy person, you turned around, shooting your bro’s a toothy grin. “Now, watch how this shit’s really supposed to be done!” you yelled before jumping into the air, “TAKE THIS! MY LOVE, MY SORROW, AND ALL OF MY ANGER! SHINING ASS STRIKE!”

Within seconds you landed on the large, narrow button of the strength tester. The bell hardly even sounded like it rang when the metal puck pierced it like a bullet, flying straight into the clouds.

You pointed at the now destroyed strength tester and laughed like an absolute madwoman. “I GOT YOU, STRENGTH TESTER. YOU MAY NOT REALIZE IT, BUT YOU JUST LOST TO ANONETTE IN THIS GAME OF WITS!”

“How… how…” you backed to Red Gala as you noticed her staring at you with widened eyes, “How’d ya do that?”

“Yeah dude, that was fucking amazing!” Lyre butted in with his butt, “How did you pull that shit off?”

“Oh, it’s easy!” A smug grin crossed your face as you took in their praise, “My ass is actually Dio’s stand.”

“W-what?” The crimson mare looked at you as if you were crazy.

Lyre, however, reacted in a completely different way. He slowly approached you as he spoke. “So… this is Dio’s power…” He leaned down so he his face was on the same level as your quality booty, before he began to rub his face into your cheeks.

“W-woah, hey now! That’s kinda l-lewd, dude,” you stammered as your face began to burn up. The stallion stopped and began to pull away, before you pulled him back, flashing him a toothy grin. “I didn’t say to stop, Lyre.”

“Oh, alright!” he chirped before continuing to rub his face on your ass as if he were some kind of cat, “Dio’s power~”

As you let him do his thing, you turned your attention to Red Gala, who was busy watching Lyre rub his face on your ass with a perplexed look. "So you enjoying yourself, hot stuff?" you asked, shooting the mare a smirk.

“Yeah, Ah guess so. Better than workin’ and watchin’ all the happy couples do couple things while Ah’m all on my lonesome.” The mare paused, as if she were thinking over the next words that were going to come out of her mouth, “Hey… thanks for taking me out, Anonette. Ah appreciate it, really.” She paused again, before leaning in towards you. “Honestly, Ah’d say it was a long time coming.”

“Right? I mean, I was thinking about doing something like this for a while, but because we’re bros, I felt like it might be wrong, but I guess- ”

Your sentence was cut instantly short as the mare marched straight up to you and planted her lips on your own. The kiss was intense, taking you by utter surprise, but it felt hot, in a wrong kind of way. Reality crashed in and you pushed the pony off you in a moment of shock.

“Whoops… Uh, Ah think that might have been a bit...” the mare began to say, her crimson complexion surprisingly red. She didn’t have a chance to finish before you pulled her back in.

“Hey, I didn’t tell you to stop…” A sultry look crossed your face before diving back in at full force.

At first, Red Gala was surprised at how fast you made up your mind, but mentally slapped herself for not knowing you better. Through your haze, you could faintly make out the taste of alcohol and apples. Guess that would be par for the course for an apple eating cider drinker. For a while, you both pushed back and forth, almost as if trying to see who could make out more forcefully. Gala was the first to switch things up. Her hooves, which had been resting on your hips to that point, began to move upwards and towards your back. In response to this, you began to stroke her as well, eliciting a small moan from her obstructed mouth.

Soon enough, her hooves began to lower in altitude, going back to your hips and soon enough down to your toned ass. Hooves sure didn’t feel the same as hands, but you sure weren’t complaining. Mirroring her moves, you slid your hands down to her flanks and proceeded to knead them with all ten fingers. You got a whimper out of the pony, and as you did, she began to squeeze your cheeks with her hooves, causing you to let out a deep moan of excitement.

You couldn’t let her get the upper hand on the situation, so you did the only thing you could think of at the time. You plunged into her mouth with your tongue, finding hers immediately after. It may have been bigger than your own, but you weren’t about to lose now.

Red caught onto your actions quite fast, pressing against your tongue with hers. The taste of cider amplified as you both started up a match of strength in your mouth. Just as you were getting best of her however, you felt a hoof leave your butt and relocate itself to your right boob. You gasped as the pony’s grip tightened over you.

Before you knew it, her plump tongue overtook your mouth and you were forced to retreat. Finally, after a few more moments of deep kissing, Red Gala leaned back, leaving a small string of saliva connecting you both.

“That was lewd,” Lyre commented as he tried, without success, to hide his raging erection.

“Don’t worry, Lyre, you’ll get your fun soon,” you promised the stallion, all the while wiping the string of spit from the corner of your mouth with the back of your hand.

“L-lewd,” he stammered out.

“Come on, let’s go do something!” you cheered excitably like a small child with ADHD, before rushing off. Your companions were quick to follow.

You and the group spent a few more minutes walking before something off to the side caught your eye. Turning your head towards it, your suspicions were confirmed: a ferris wheel. The gears in your head started to turn as you hatched a devious plan.

“Hey cunts, let’s go over there!” you said, pointing a finger at the ride.

Both ponies looked at you, confused at your interest.

“Uh… Aren’t those things a bit… I don’t know... “ Lyre started.

“Fucking boring?” Red Gala finished for him.

“Yeah, that.” The unicorn agreed.

You shook your head and grinned. “Not when I’m around they’re not. C’mon faggots, let’s have some fun!”

With that, you started off towards the ride with your bros following behind, still confused about your sudden interest. When the three of you arrived at the entrance to the ride, you realized just how much the other park attendees shared the same opinion. The line was surprisingly empty despite this being a fair for a romantic holiday.

“Must be everyone’s gettin’ dirty in the tunnel of love,” Red stated the obvious.

Turning your head to the aforementioned attraction, you saw a long line of ponies waiting at the entrance tunnel. On the other side, you saw a group of boats coming out; a handful of them holding passengers with a look of bliss on their face.

“That just makes it better for us then. Subtlety is for wimps, anyways,” you boasted.

“Yeah, I can back that shit up after last night,” Lyre snarked.

“‘Better for us’ eh? You got somethin’ planned?” the red mare teased.

“Nigga, you don’t even know,” you boasted with confidence.

There was hardly a line, and everyone who was actually waiting was able to load up within a minute or two. After sucking the ride operator’s dick off camera when nobody was paying attention for a favor, you and your party boarded the ferris wheel. The three of you climbed into one of the cramped pods and tried your best to get /comfy/ as you took your seats.

“So was crushing my legs part of your plan?” Lyre asked you with a raised brow.

“OF COURSH!” you responded with a grin.

“So… uh… what the next part of yer master plan, sugarcube?” Red Gala inquired, looking at you with a questioning glance.

“Just wait and see!” you chirped, rubbing your hands together deviously. “You’ll see once we hit the highest point. I don’t want to ruin the surprise.”

“Is it going to be a handshake? Because nigga, this shit ain’t Spongebob, and I’ll fuck you up if it is,” the aquamarine unicorn stated, glaring at you.

“Well… I suppose it does involve my hand, and I will be shaking something with it, but I assure you, it won’t be a handshake,” you licked your lips and wiggled your eyes lewdly at the clueless stallion.

“All Ah know is, if there isn’t a chocolate hot air balloon up there, Ah’m gonna shank the both of you,” Gala said, getting involved in your ebin pop culture references.

The seat made a sudden lurch as the ride began to move. All you had to do next was wait. The first few minutes were pretty boring, having to wait for a few last minute passengers to board. After a while, your crew was nearing the halfway point to the top. From that height, the view looked good enough to begin the distraction.

“LOOK, A GIANT COCK IN THE SKY!” you exclaimed while pointing ahead, feigning excitement.

The other two passengers leaned forward expectantly, looking in the direction of your outstretched finger.

“A massive dong? I knew that this was a love celebration, but damn!” Lyre commented.

“Ah’m not seein’ anything, guys. Where’s it at?” your red friend questioned.

Perfect, they were both distracted; now all you had to do was stall out for just a bit longer.

“Just keep looking, faggots! It’s huge, has lots of veins throbbing all around it!” you claimed, sitting back down and adjusting your arms to prepare for when the time came.

The pod continued to escalate slowly as the structure holding it rotated. After a minute or two more, you finally reached the perfect height to enact your plan. You were actually pretty surprised you had kept them looking for a non-existent dick for so long. Time wasn’t getting any slower, and you weren’t getting any younger, so you decided to extend both arms and go for it. Each of your hands traveled south towards your friends’ lower halfs.

“I still don’t see the d- HELLO!” Lyre interrupted himself with as your hand wrapped around his sheath.

“What’s that Ly-” Red Galla began to ask before your fingers began to rub around her warm folds.

They both looked over to you, with you flashing them a sultry look in response.

“So… this was your plan, eh AnonETTE-!” the crimson colored pony managed to grunt out.

“Of course! I just had to show you guys just how great hands are,” you snarked as you burrowed past Gala’s outer lips and found the head of her clitoris.

“L-lewd…” the mare let out through a gasp.

“SO WHAT’S THE NEXT STEP OF YOUR MASTER PLAN?!” the aquamarine unicorn blurted out like an autist through pants.

“MAKING YOU ORGASM, WITH NO SURVIVORS!”

“What? That’s not how it goes,” Lyre looked at you with a raised brow between pleasurable flinches.

“IT DOESN’T MATTER, I CONTROL YOUR GENITALS!” you shouted while doing your best badly dubbed super villain laugh as you yanked the stallion's dick about as if it were a joystick.

“No complaints here,” Red affirmed with a huff.

“Good. Now then, less talk, more sex stuff,” you ordered.

On one side, you started rubbing Red Gala’s increasingly wet ladybits with two fingers up and down in a rhythmic motion. On the other hand, you felt a certain someone standing at attention. Now that Lyre’s fifth appendage was out and ready, you could finally get to work on it.

You firmly grasped the throbbing rod in your hand, deciding to start off slow by keeping your hand in place and letting your fingers do the rubbing; almost as if you were performing a massage. The stallion’s member twitched in response, telling you that your efforts weren’t in vain. Meanwhile, you felt the clit of the mare next to you hardening underneath your fingers, asking for more.

It was time to pick up the pace. While Red needed some time to get riled up, Lyre was ready to go almost immediately, already humping your hand. You plunged a curious finger into Red’s pussy, biting your lip as you discovered it’s moisture at an all-time high. As you stuck one, then two, then three fingers into her, she began fully grinding into your fingers, hoping to get more out of them. A slight dribble of sticky fluid could be felt when you ran your hand up and over the aquamarine unicorn’s flared head, and you grinned to yourself. It was safe to say you were doing your job well.

The ride was almost at the top. If things were to go the way you intended, then you’d have to step up your efforts. You shifted from normal thrusting into the earth pony, to rubbing against certain spots in search of that one place that would really get her moaning. For an added bonus, you sent a probing thumb upon her ponut with slowly increasing pressure. As for Lyre, you started milking his shaft faster, being sure to add some additional attention when getting to the tip, rotating your hand from an upward to a downward stroke, caressing every inch of his foreskin as you moved along.

If only you had three arms; you’d be doing more lewd things to his balls, then. Maybe even to yourself.

For the next few minutes, the only sounds that emanated around the three of you were the grunts from Lyre, the moans of pleasure from Red Gala, and your own sporadic sighs as you went to town on their dirty parts. It was almost hypnotic, in a sense, and when the red pony next to you let out a loud squeal of pleasure as you found the right spot inside of her, it only served to strengthen Lyre’s ever-hardening erection. The noises of explicit activity were like music to you as everyone approached the peak, in more ways than one.

The ride had reached the top, and it was now or never. You sped up your strokes on Lyre’s dick, feeling it spasm more and more. Similar things were happening inside your female friend’s cunt. Your right hand was drenched at this point, and you knew she couldn’t hold out for much longer. With two large thrusts of your fingers on her G-spot, you forced Red Gala to let out a loud, drawn out groan. As you felt her body writhe in racking ecstasy, she let out a poorly-stifled scream as she hit an earth-shaking orgasm. As you finished forcing the last of the orgasm from out of your bro, you pulled your sopping wet fingers from out of her pussy as she fell back to the seat.

"STAND UP!" you screamed at the stallion next to you.

"H-huh?!"

You didn't wait for him to comply as you grabbed his throbbing cock with your pussy soaked hand. You lifted him up slightly and aimed his cock outside of the cabin, your slippery wet hand sliding up and down his shaft and head.

“Oh… FUCK!” he shouted into the air at your expert touch. Soon after, you felt the unicorn’s member twitch in your grasp as his breathing got heavier and less rhythmic. Exhaling loudly, he let out a burst of cum, spraying his seed in multiple ropes out the front of the car.

And in that moment, a certain pale yellow pegasus with a black eye looked up, seeing the sunlight glisten off of Lyre's tip, only to be hit in the face by his ejaculant, some making it's way into the mouthbreather's mouth.

He stood there in shock for a few seconds, before it hit him what happened.

And then he began to cry, hard, garnering the attention of everyone in the vicinity, before running away, leaving behind a trail of semen, tears, and urine.

Only two of which was his.

"Haha, success!" you cheered out, not even winded by your efforts. You then faced your companions, who were still trying to get ahold of themselves. "Causing orgasms makes me hungry. Let's get some food, yeah?"

Neither of them said anything, only offering a couple of weak nods.

After grabbing a couple ciders for the road, your party ditched the fair, on a quest to find some quality grub.

"You know what I'm in the mood for?" you spoke up.

"What?" Red Gala inquired.

"White Castle," you responded with a grin.

"Dude, I'm so down," Lyre chirped.

Eventually, you and your party found yourself outside the Fonz's favorite fast food joint. You didn't remember much from before you showed up in Equestria, but if there was one thing you knew you've loved since birth, it was White Castle.

You threw open the door, waltzed up to the register, and placed your metaphorical lady balls on the table, flashing the cashier a cheeky smirk. "Nigga, give me sliders."

"Uh..." The mare behind the counter looked up at you with a questioning glance, "How many sliders?"

You leaned forward and violated the mare's personal space, leaving only mere centimeters between the two of you. "All of them."

The cashier back away from you, an uncomfortable look on her face. “Alright…” she went work writing up your order, before looking back up at you as she finished up. “Alright… so… that’ll be five hundred twenty six bits.”

“Huh…” you reached into your pockets, only to realize that your mini skirt didn’t have pockets, and your forgot to keister your wallet. You shrugged off your poorfaggotry, before looking back to the mare with a smirk. “Would you accept sexual favors as payment?”

“Get out.”

“Fuck.”

With your heads lowered, you and your party did a three sixty and got the fuck out of there.

“Well, that sucks,” Lyre commented as the door closed behind you.

“Ain’t nuthin’ but a g thang, bruh,” you said with a shrug, your spirits rising up once more as you continued, “you fags wanna head over to my place for Irish coffee?”

“Will it be hot?” he asked, picking up on your reference that only ninety kids would understand.

“Hotter than an apple pie, sugarcube,” Red Gala answered with a wink.

“L-lewd,” you and Lyre said in unison.

After coming to the conclusion that being outside and being poor didn’t mix well, you skipped your way home, the two ponies you called your friends following close behind.

“WE’RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD, THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ~” you sang as you skipped.

“Nigga, who’s the Wizard of Oz?” Lyra asked.

“My nigga, Ozzy Osbourne. Who else?”

“Who?”

“Who fucking cares? We’re here~” you declared as you came to a stop at your front door. With the grace of a chimp with Down's Syndrome, you threw the door open, before walking in-

And immediately slipping on an empty beer bottle, as was typical for you. Using your momentum, you did a flip in the air, before landing on your feet, to the applause of everyone there.

“I AM THE REALEST NIGGA!” you declared to the world, shooting your fists up in the air.

“Realist nigga there ever was!” Lyre threw in, “Save for the Fonz. That nigga real as shit.”

“PRAISE!” you exclaimed as you flashed a thumbs up to the heavens above, something you knew in your heart the Fonz returned with glee.

Feeling mighty brotherly, you made your way to the kitchen. “You two want anything? A beer? Some party liquor? Casual sex?”

“Yes,” came the autistic reply from your unicorn bro.

“Ah’ll just take a beer, sweetheart,” Red Gala answered with a smile.

“Cool, cool. I got you guys, don’t worry.” You grabbed a couple forties out of the fridge and tossed them over the small horses. As they popped open their bottles and went to work chugging them down, you asked the next question as casually as possible. “So you guys wanna fuck or what?”

“FUCK YEAH, I DO!” Lyre blurted out.

“Ah guess, Ah got nothin’ better ta do,” the red mare beside him said.

“FUCK YES!” you out-screeched Lyre, showing off your dominance, “We’re in fucking business! Now, let’s-”

As you stepped towards your two bros, only to, once again, catch your foot on something.

This time, however, you were caught completely by surprise, as you fell flat on your face, fucking your shit up.

“Dude… solid zero,” you heard Lyre comment as you faded in and out of consciousness.

“Fuck… you… bro…”

And with that, you passed out. Lyre got blue balls, Red Gala got blue clit, and Spike died of testicular cancer.

You found yourself in a dark room. The moonlight filtering in through the nearby blinds being the sole source of illumination. Embraced in your arms was a woman. A woman you could not name or remember anything about. She was beautiful, damn near drop dead gorgeous. As you gazed at her your heart could only feel the deepest, most passionate sense of love.

“Anon…” She spoke softly. Her voice in a sour melancholy. She shifted about in your arms and turned to face you. As you gazed into her eyes you noticed they were bloodshot, as if she had been crying.

“You know I don’t want to go…,” she began. “I don’t want to leave you behind… but I need to. You and I both talked about this when I applied for the job, about the possibility this could happen-”

“I know,” you spoke up.

You quickly realized you didn’t have control of your own voice, and after some experimenting, you realized you weren’t in control of your body either. It was as if you were watching a movie, unable to do anything other than watch from a first person vantage point.

You felt her soft hands run along your chest and find their place behind your back as she buried her face into your chest.

“I think we both knew deep down this was going to happen, even if we both talked about it as if the U.S. would back down. I don’t know if getting involved with this conflict is the right call, if who we’re backing are the right people, or if messing with Russia is the right decision. All I know is that I need to be over there, whether I like it or not.” Fresh tears formed in her eyes as she looked into your eyes. “You understand, right?”

“Yeah,” you said with a small nod. “You’ll be safe, right? You’re going to come back in one piece, aren’t you?”

The woman flashed you a reassuring smile. “There’s a risk, but it’s minimal. I’ll be on base and well behind the front lines for the most part. I'm just a contractor, remember? I promise, I’ll be fine.”

You felt your worries wash away as a smile formed across your face. “Alright, I’ll take your word for it.”

She patted your cheek. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll just be sitting around on my ass for six months, bored out of my mind. Then I’ll come home, in one piece.” A smirk formed on her face. “We’re gonna have a lot of catching up to do, so I hope your body will be ready.”

“Of coursh!” You did your best Tom Hardy impression.

“You’re a big guy,” she said with an autistic grin.

“For you.”

The woman giggled, then sighed. “I’m gonna miss this…”

“We can just shitpost with each other over the phone or on Skype.” You pointed out.

“Yeah, but it wouldn’t be the same.”

The two of you went silent as those words hung in the air. You felt her grasp around you tighten like a hungry boa, and could feel her trembling like a cold chihuahua.

“You know… this is the last night we’re gonna spend together in a really long time. You want to do anything?” She flashed you a sultry look. “And I do mean anything.”

You shook your head. “Honestly, I just want to enjoy what time we have left together. I’m happy like this.”

“...not even anal?” You could tell by the tone of her voice she was a bit disappointed.

“Nah. This is good.”

“Alright…” She grinned up at you as she clung onto you. “I love you, Anon.”

“Yeah, I know.” You smirked.

“You ass!” She cried as she playfully slugged you in the shoulder. “You could at least say it this one time.”

“Please, a real nigga never says I love you. Get on my level, bitch.”

She smiled and got /comfy/ in your arms. “Whatever, Anon. Just know one of these days you’re going to regret that shit.”

“Yeah… probably…”

Your eyes fluttered open as the sun’s rays shining in your face put an abrupt end to your slumber. You yawned and rubbed the crust out of your eyes before pondering the previous night’s dream. The dream felt so real and vivid as if it wasn’t a dream. As if it were something that actually happened to you, but you just couldn’t remember it.

You figured that Twilight would be able to help you figure this shit out. She was pretty good at playing therapist… plus she looked hot as fuck.

Wait… nah. She’s probably still being a cunt; however, should probably check in on her since she hasn’t talked to you after she flipped the fuck out on you.

You were shaken from your thoughts as the mare who lay on your chest stirred. Her eyes slowly opened before she let loose a small diabetes inducing yawn and looked up at you with a pleased expression.

“Morning,” you greeted your bro.

“Good morning,” she flashed you a smile.

“Sleep well?” you inquired.

“A lot better than you did. Your ass was thrashing about like retard that escaped his handlers,” she answered with a smirk.

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry dude, had a pretty shitty dream,” you said with a shrug.

“It’s all good, brah,” she assured you, the mare’s grin growing wider as she planted a single kiss on your chest before she rolled off of you.

Figuring it was time to get up, you climbed out of the bed with the all the grace and elegance of a mentally handicapped goldfish. Unsurprisingly, you immediately slipped on an empty beer bottle and fell right on your face. Typical.

Lyra responded to your public display of retardation with applause and cheering. “Encore, encore!” She snickered as she jumped out of bed and gave you a friendly slap on your rear. “Seriously, nice one, babe. I rate that a solid eight. I would’ve given you a nine or even a soft ten, but again bro, you didn’t do a flip. Gotta git gud, son.”

“I’m sorry, brah. I’ll try harder next time. I promise,” you responded from the floor before picking yourself up. You noticed a handle of vodka sitting on your nightstand, screaming at you to be dranken. You shot your hand forward at warp speed and snatched it, screwing off the cap and taking a nice, long drink from it.

After swallowing some of the refreshing liquid you looked over to your roommate who was digging through her dresser, searching for something to bundle up with.

“So, you got any plans today?” you inquired.

“Not really, no. I don’t have to work the field today. I thought we could spend the day together and do… you know… stuff together.” The mare flashed you a sheepish look.

“Yeah, that sounds cool, fam. But I gotta go talk to Twilight about something first. It’s kinda important.”

A look of both disappointment and curiosity crossed Lyra’s face. “About what?”

You briefly wondered if you should tell your bro about your dream, but you decided that with your new relationship it would be best to hold off on it until you were sure about it. “I’ll tell you later. It’s just some feelings bullshit I doubt you’d be interested in.”

She looked somewhat unconvinced, but the unicorn nodded anyways. “Alright. If you say so. I guess.”

“Cool.”

You made your way over to the closet and began assembling the necessary items for your usual tight-as-fuck attire. You paused and looked back to your bro.

“Hey dude, mind if we include Big Mac? Nigga could probably use some bro time… plus, you know, the story is supposed to be about Mac and I, not you and I. Ya feel me?” you explained.

“Yeah, I feel.” She trotted into the closet, now sporting a white winter coat and a mint green scarf. “Sure dude, we can include him in. As long as he doesn’t give a shit about me randomly dragging you off to fuck you in the bathroom,” she added with a seductive wink.

“That’s l-lewd, dude,” you said with a grin.

“Yeah, I’m pretty lewd. I’m pretty crude too.”

“You’re a major fucking faggot as well," you added.

"Woah, rude," the mare said in a mock hurt tone. A look of realization appeared on her face as she smirked. "By the way... NICE COCK, BRO!" she exclaimed, pointing a hoof at your exposed crotch.

You flashed her a double thumbs up to show your appreciation. "THANKS BRO, GLAD TO SEE MY PENILE WORK OUT ROUTINE AS ACTUALLY MAKING A DIFFERENCE!"

"IT IS BRO. IT REALLY IS!"

Suddenly, the bedroom door flung open, and you heard a young, feminine voice scream.

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP ABOUT COCKS, I'M TRYING TO COOK METH!

"SUCH A LUST FOR COCK," you exclaimed in shock, before poking your head out of the closet and demanding, "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!"

“IT WAS ME, DIO!” the mysterious speaker, now revealed to be none other than your scaly sidekick, Barb, shouted back at you.

You slowly began to clap. Your two companions bowed to your applause before you tipped them both the appropriate amount for their impressive shitposting skills (but not too much of course. You gotta keep the poor in poverty, lest they rise up against you). Impressed with your tipping abilities, both Barb and Lyra tipped you in return.

Real human beans.

With that out of the way, you quickly realized that showing your dick off to Barb could land you in jail for exposing yourself to a minor, even if she didn’t give two fucks. You threw on a pair of jeans, then tossed on your nice scorpion jacket to compliment your look.

“I’m fucking hungry,” you said as you grabbed your GAR shades and slapped them on your face, “let’s get some fucking breakfast.”

“Uh, it’s like three in the afternoon, Anon,” the aquamarine unicorn said as she looked at a nearby clock, “it’s a little late for breakfast, don’t you think?”

“Nigga, it’s never too early for waffles and beer,” you stated with a condescending look.

“WAIT, WAFFLES? WE’RE GETTING WAFFLES?” Barb exclaimed, her eyes shining with excitement.

“Waffles… AND BEER!” you clarified.

“Woooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Is that even possible?!”

“We’re gonna find out, lil nigga! Get hyp!”

“HYP!”

After a pleasant brunch with your sidekick and that hot piece of ass you call your bro (not the red one, that’d be gay), you set off towards town. For the first time in what seemed like forever, you actually left the house with all articles of clothing on. As much as you wished to be autistic, Sparklebutt probably wouldn’t even let you near her castle if you were streaking like usual.

For once in your retarded life, you realized that fucking with Sparklebutt when you needed answers from her was probably a retarded idea.

You continued to walk for a couple minutes, humming to the tune of Funky Town as you went along; however, it dawned on you realized all this walking was seriously killing your gains.

Fuck, you really should’ve jacked Lyra’s car! There was a lot more distance between Sweet Apple Acres and the castle than your usual journey from your old shitty apartment. Shit, you probably would’ve been there by now if you still lived there.

You really, really wished that you didn’t have to walk, but whatever, you guessed-

“ANON?!” you heard a familiar feminine voice exclaim in shock out of nowhere. You shook yourself from your thoughts and quickly realized your surroundings had changed from the dusty road into Ponyville to Sparklebutt’s study.

“Huh… that’s weird…” you commented.

“HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”

You shot your head towards the source of the voice and spotted the Princess of Spankings waiting for an answer from you, her mouth slightly agape in shock.

You shrugged. Random shit like this happening is pretty much the norm. “Iunno, I just wished I wasn’t killing all my gains by walking here, and poof, I’m here.”

“That’s-” she stopped, probably suddenly realizing that she was pissed off at you for some stupid horseshit reason.

You took this opportunity to speak up before she could say anything, or kick you out of her castle. “Listen Twilight, I-”

“DON’T-” she interrupted you, before looking at you with a questioning glance, “D-did you just call me something other than Sparklebutt?”

“I did,” you said, waving it off as it were nothing, “look dude, we need to talk. I’m done with this shit. We need to squash this beef, right now.”

She was dead quiet for a few long, unbearable moments. “There is no beef to squash,” the mare finally responded to you with no emotion. Her eyes, however, betrayed her words. “Now, please leave, I have a-”

“I’m not leaving you alone till we do,” you crossed your arms as you stared the mare down, resolute in your decision. You had drawn the line in the sand. There was no surrender, no retreating. It was do or die at this point.

You would not allow yourself to lose a bro over some stupid-ass bullshit.

A storm of emotion overcame Twilight’s face as these words left your mouth. Mostly anger, jealousy, and pain, but there was a lot of other emotions thrown into the mix as well. She remained quiet for a few painfully long moments before speaking up.

“You have five minutes.”

You were tempted to protest but figured it wasn’t worth it. “Listen dude, I get it-”

“No, you don’t,” the princess interrupted you once more.

“No, I do. I really do,” you insisted.

“No, Anonymous, you really don’t get it at all!” Twilight snapped, slamming her hoof into the floor as she glared daggers at you.

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING! AT ALL! NOT FRIENDSHIP! NOT MY FEELINGS! NOTHING! YOU ARE THE MOST INCONSIDERATE AND RUDE INDIVIDUAL I HAVE EVER MET! AND I’VE MET A LOT OF-”

“IF I’M SUCH A FUCKING INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE, WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE WASTING MY FUCKING TIME TRYING TO TALK TO YOU?!” You snapped back at the mare, your shout seeming to shake the mare to her core.

Oppressive silence overtook the room as the two of you went quiet. Neither of you seeming willing to break the silence. Finally, after what felt like eternity, you spoke up once more. “I do fucking get it, Twilight. It’s so fucking obvious that everybody gets it. I get how you feel about me, about my relationships. You’re jealous-”

“No… no, I’m not…” the mare shook her head, her words almost coming out as a whisper.

“No, you are. Don’t even try to lie about the obvious.” You knelt down, getting on eye level with her as you continued. “I’ll be honest, I could care less. Whether you like it or not, Lyra and I are an item… well, at least, I think we are. It’s still a bit complicated, to be honest.” You paused as the anger on Twilight’s face gave way to sorrow, realizing your rambling wasn't helping. “Look bro, I care for you, I really do. I don’t want you to shut me out of your life because I’m seeing someone. Frankly, my dick’s big enough to share with everyone, but I know you, and I doubt that’s what you want.”

“I don’t care!” the purple horse cried out, much to your surprise. “I just want you, Anon! I don’t care if I have you to myself, or I have to share you with the whole world.”

“Why? Why do you want me?” You eyed the mare with a questioning glance.

“I know, I’m one of the first guys who actually gave you the time of the day that wasn’t a family member or somebody kissing your ass, and I was definitely the first guy you did something sexual with, even if it was some drunken blowjob. But if that’s really the only reason why you want to be with me, I don’t really feel comfortable with that, even if your ass game is off the charts.”

“B-but…” Tears began to flow freely from her eyes as she desperately attempted to retort your claims.

You placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You and I both know it’s true, Sparklebutt.”

“D-don’t call me Sparklebutt…” she protested weakly as she sniffled.

You grinned as you knelt down, wrapping your arms around the pony and pulling her into a tight embrace. “Yeah, that’s not happening, you’re hot when you’re angry.” The mare didn’t respond to you. "Would you feel better if I spanked you?" You offered with a smirk.

"Shut up..." the Princess of Spanking's ordered you weakly.

Silence soon reigned over the room once more, only occasionally being broken by a sniffle from the mare in your arms. You lost track of how long the two of you held your embrace, but eventually, you pulled back, looking into the Princess of Spanking’s eyes as you wiped away at her tears. “Hey, let’s get out of here, bro. Grab some food or some shit. I got other shit to talk to you about, anyways.”

You walked up to the table where Twilight was waiting, a couple beers in hand. You plopped down in your chair, slid a beer over to the mare, and took a long drink from your own bottle, savoring the feeling of fresh, liver-destroying alcohol entering your system. Twilight did the same, much to your shock.

"So... “ she began, looking towards you as she spoke, “I think I know what you want to talk about."

"You do? How?" You flashed her a questioning glance.

"You don't need to have an IQ of 170 to figure it out." She leaned forward slightly with interest. "I've heard both eyewitness reports from my friends and have seen it myself."

“What are you even talking about?” you raised a brow at the mare.

“Shush,” she hushed you as she took another drink from her beer, before continuing. "I’ve done my research, and found out that certain humans have been having the same experiences as you." She let her chin rest in her hooves as she eyed you down. “Anon, answer a question for me.”

“Shoot,” you answered, motioning for her to continue.

“What do you know about magic?” she asked.

You scratched at your scalp as you thought over her question. “It’s like the Force, just gayer. At least, that’s what I think it is,” you responded with a shrug.

“Close enough.” Her horn lit up, and with a cartoonish *poof*, a stack of documents, newspapers, photos, and diagrams appeared before you. "Magic affects all creatures in our world, one way or another, and according to my research, humans aren’t immune to this." She paused dramatically as she eyed you down. "Anon, just like myself or any other alicorn or unicorn, you are magic."

You almost forgot about last night's dream as you raised a brow at what the mare just said. "Seriously?"

Twilight nodded. "Seriously. It seems to be a one in a million chance thing, but upon appearing in Equestria, your body had become exposed to our magic, and now, you have the ability to use Equestria's magic at will."

“DUDE, THAT’S FUCKING AWESOME! PRAISE BE THE FONZ!” you hollered at the top of your lungs, eliciting a few annoyed looks from nearby patrons.

You really didn’t give a fuck, though.

You never give fucks.

Never.

She sifted through her vast collection of documents, before levitating a manilla folder over to you. You opened it and tipped it upside down. Several charts and logs of various times you had apparently used magic spilled out.

As you examined them, Sparklebutt explained what it all meant. "On top of that, based on my observations, your magical abilities have increased exponentially since you arrived in Equestria four months ago. Since then, you have gone from having no abilities to being able to use basic levitation spells on small objects such as beer bottles and TV remotes in a couple months. Fast forward to the present, you can use advanced teleportation, summoning, and shield spells with ease.”

“Neat,” you commented on the whole situation.

“That’s the understatement of the century,” Twilight remarked. “You are able to do all of this without any schooling or training, formal or otherwise, as far as I know." For the first time ever, Twilight looked dumbfounded. "I honestly have no explanation for it."

You leaned back into your chair as the mare stopped talking and focused on her beer, taking in all the new information you just received. It was clear these magical abilities were gifts from the Fonz to reward you to your dedication to broship.

You couldn't wait to abuse the fuck out of it.

"There's more," Twilight spoke up, interrupting your inner dialogue. She leaned forward towards you, leaving only inches between your faces as she spoke in a hushed tone. "Have you been having any weird dreams lately? Dreams that feel a little too real to be dreams?"

Shit, you had almost forgotten about that.

"Yeah, actually. Funnily enough, that's the main reason why I wanted to talk you," you responded.

"I figured it would come up," she said as she put out another document for you to look at. She went on as you examined it. "Among every human with magical abilities that has been studied, it's been recorded that all of them experienced the same thing you did." She stared into your eyes as she said the next sentence. "They aren’t dreams, Anon, they’re memories. You’re having memories of your life before Equestria.”

!

"Out of curiosity, what was your memory, Anon?" Twilight inquired, wonder glistening in her eyes as she continued. "If it's something that could clue us in on what extra-equestrian human culture is like, we could make history by publishing it."

"I don't think you're going to get much information on human culture from this memory, bro," you responded, killing the mare's hopes and dreams.

"Oh..." She said, her face displaying her disappointment. "So what was it about?"

You opened your mouth to speak, but you were cut off by a demoralized worker plopping your food off at your table without so much as a word.

Your hunger got the best of you and immediately you grabbed a handful of fries, shoved them in your mouth, and washed them down with some beer. “I was in a bed with what I assume was my girlfriend, or wife, I don't know,” you began to retell the mare what you could remember, “She was going off to fight in some war, and it was our last night together before she left.”

“A war?” The mare pulled out a notepad and quill seemingly out of nowhere as her interest was piqued, “Can you tell me more about that?”

“Not much, to be honest. I’m assuming we were too busy being depressed about being split up for a half a year to go into detail about the conflict,” you said with a shrug. “All that was mentioned a country called the ‘you-ess’ was getting involved with a conflict that another country called Russia was involved in.”

Twilight looked somewhat disappointed but jotted down the information you provided anyways. “What about your girlfriend? Do you know anything about her role in the war?"

"Iunno. She mentioned something about being a contractor or something," you responded, before flashing the mare an annoyed glare. "Do you want me to tell you what happened, or not?"

"Sorry, Anon," Twilight apologized with a sheepish grin. "It's just we know next to nothing about humanity because only a select few can remember anything about their lives before they showed up in Equestria, and the ones that do only remember bits and pieces."

“Yeah, yeah, I know," you scowled before shooting the mare a reassuring smile. "It's all good, Sparklebutt."

She matched your smile. "Please, continue. I'll try to keep the interruptions to a minimum," she reassured you with a wink.

You felt your jeans become tighter around the hips from that gesture.

At the urgence of the mare sitting across from you, you continued to tell her what you remembered with as much detail as possible. She listened, giving you her complete attention as you described the woman you shared a bed with, what you felt, and what you said. The princess kept her promise, not interrupting again as you talked.

"Twilight," you spoke up as you concluded your tale. Her ears perked up at the use her real name as she gave you a questioning look. "Is there anyway for me to remember more? I'm sure you have some way you could help me."

She scratched her scalp as pondered your question. "Well, as far as I know from my research, there isn't at the moment. However, I have a few ideas." She smiled at you as she began to collect her things. "I have a feeling I'll have something worked out the next time you decide to wander by my castle on accident."

You blinked in response to her statement.

You knew she was joking... but you couldn't help feeling like a horse's ass.

No pun intended.

After a couple brief moments of silence, you spoke up. "Hand me some paper and something to write with, Sparklebutt."

She gave you a questioning look, but complied, handing over what you requested. You flashed her a grateful smirk before you wrote down a series of numbers, then handed it back. "Here, it's my cell number. Call me when you're ready to get started, or if you just want to bro down."

She took a moment to react, before flashing you a look of shock and disbelief. "You're actually giving me your phone number? You flat out refused the last time I asked for it, and that was a court order."

"Hey, a girl can change her mind, right?" You said with a smirk.

"You're not a girl, Anon."

"Check your privilege, shitlord. I'm whatever my mental illness says I am," you glared harshly at the mare.

She gave you an unamused look, clearly not phased by your advanced level of mental regression.

"Tough crowd," you commented before moving on. "feel free to text or call me whenever. Even if it isn't important and you just wanna chill, I'm completely down, Sparklebutt."

She dropped her annoyed expression and grinned as she took in your offer. "I'll be sure to take you up on your offer, Anon."

You returned her smile, before rising up from your seat. "Anyways, I really, really would love to stay and hang out, but I have a lot I gotta process."

Twilight gave you a nod. "It's alright, I understand."

"Text me, bitch. We'll chill later," you promised, holding back a Netflix ‘n’ chill joke so she wouldn't get the wrong idea.

With that, the two of you waved goodbye at each other before you left the building.

After a long and tiring walk, one which killed way too many gains for your liking, you found yourself back at Sweet Apple Acres.

"Hey Anon!"

?

You followed the source of the voice and spotted Big Mac trotting towards you, Applebutt (you thought that was her name) following close behind him.

“What it do, my niggas?” You greeted them with a wave, “Want a beer?”

“But ya don’t-”

“Yes I do, I’m magic, BITCH,” you said with a manic grin before willing a six pack into existence before them. Ignoring their shocked expressions, you let the six pack float in front of you as you grabbed a couple bottles from it, before sending it off back to the fifth dimension. You popped the bottle caps off with your titanium erection, then handed one of the bottles over to Big Mac. “Here bro, drink up.”

Big Mac didn’t even seem to notice or care about the fact he just opened his beer with your dick as he took a drink from it. He gave you a weird look before saying, “Bruh… since when are ya magic?”

You took a long drink from your beer, allowing the fresh, fatty-liver inducing alcohol flow through your veins before answering. "Apparently since I got here according to Sparklebutt. And by her assessments, I'm pretty good," you responded with a smirk. "Neat, huh?"

"Ah guess..." he shrugged, before downing the rest of his beer in one breathe. "Can Ah get another one?"

"Sure bro," you followed his lead and finished off your beer, before tossing the empty bottle aside (which subsequently exploded off screen) and summoning a couple of fresh beers. You tossed your bro one and took a drink from the remaining one.

"Wow, that's pretty cool, Anon," you looked down at filly as she spoke, "So, are you like a unicorn or somethin' now?"

"Nah bro, I'm like a more hood version of Harry Potter, or a jedi who also lives a double life as a pimp," you answered like that made any sense before looking back up at Big Mac. "Hey fam, you got anything going on? I was thinking we could pretend to adopt orphans then ditch them the moment they get their hopes up."

"That's pretty fucked," your bro pointed out.

"I know, isn't it lovely?" you said with a shiteating grin.

He shook his head at your ridiculous idea, before speaking. "Ah'd be down ta hang, Anon, but Ah got plans with Applebloom here."

"That's what her name is?" you pried.

"What?"

"Nothing. Continue."

He raised a brow at your behavior but did as you asked. "We're entering in the Brotherhooves Social together."

You tilted your head in confusion as you regarded the stallion with a raised brow. "Nigga, what the fuck is a 'brotherhood special’?"

"It's like the Sisterhooves Social, only all siblings can enter," the smallest horse there responded for your bro. "It was created after Big Mac here dressed like a mare ta help me win the competition, even though we got disqualified at the end."

You blinked, not quite believing what the filly just said.

However, upon looking over to your bro, you quickly realized that what she was saying was the truth as you noticed the mortified look cross his face.

“Oh fuck, she isn’t kidding, is she?” you asked the stallion, a mirthful smirk crossing across your cheeks.

“Anon, Ah-”

“That’s fucking priceless!” You snickered, much to the dismay of your bro. Applebloom, being the homie that she is, quickly joined in on laughing at the red stallion. Big Mac snorted in annoyance, before he began to walk away. “Hey Big Mac, wait! We’re just playin’!” He stopped, and began to turn around to trot back to you. “Hey, Mac, I got a question for you.”

“What?” he said, leering at you.

With a smug grin, you popped your question. “Do you want me to call you Caitlyn from now on?”

Blissful satisfaction and crushing pain overcame you as the stallion buried his hoof into your stomach with the strength of a thousand men (or one feminist who sat down too fast). Your smug grin refused to yield, but your knees obliged, as you doubled over onto the ground with the pain being too much to bear.

“Fuck off, bro,” he said with a satisfied grin before trotting off.

“Your sister has a great ass…!” you weakly shouted after him.

“Thanks fer the compliment, Anon!” the underageb& chirped with an amused grin, still standing beside your limp body.

“Not you! That’s w-wrong,” you grimaced at both the pain and the thought of this story turning into The Light of Tsukimi Manor. You decided to stop being a candy-ass and got yourself up and began looking about for your bro, only to find him long gone. “That dick! I wanted to make more Caitlyn Jenner jokes!”

“Who’s Caitlyn Jenner?” Applebloom asked with a raised brow.

“Some dude,” you answered with a shrug before picking yourself up off the ground. “Whelp, better go fuck off and do something retarded. Catch you on the flip, lil’ homie.”

“Alright Anon, Ah’ll see ya around,” you turned away and began to walk away from the mare, only to stop in your tracks as she called after you.

“Hey Anon!”

You looked over your shoulder, spying her trotting over to you. “What’s up, homie?”

“Ya wanna poke fun at Big Mac some more?” she asked with her trademark smug grin.

You turned completely around and gave her your full attention. “Go on, nigga.”

“Then ya should come along with us. Ya can mess around with him and cheer us on ta victory. It’ll be a blast, Anon.”

“HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM,” you hmmed loudly as you thought over the filly’s proposal. “Sure, lil homie, that sounds fun as fuck. I’ll-”

Suddenly, a lightbulb appeared above your head as the perfect idea came to you.

Literally.

“Uh, Anon, what in the hay is that?” Applebloom asked, pointing at the object floating above your noggin, completely disregarding any sense of reality like the badass it was.

“Huh?” you looked up, spotting the light bulb floating above you. “Fuck if I know, to be honest.” You grabbed it out of the air and threw it to the side, before facing the filly once more. “Actually, lil homie, I have a much better idea.”

She was about to ask what the fuck you were talking about, but you couldn’t wait. You sprinted away from the filly with your arms flying behind you like you were some fucking faggot twelve year who watched way too much Naruto.

It wasn’t long before you spotted Lyra and Barb chilling outside the farmhouse using one of your various Bad Dragon dildos to play fetch with the Apple family’s doggo.

“HEY FAGGOTS!” You screamed at them like an autismo off his medication.

The two of them took a break from fucking around and turned your way. Not wanting to keep them waiting, you quickly closed the distance between you and them.

"What's poppin', my g?" Barb asked, regarding you with a raised brow.

A manic grin crossed your face as your stared down the small dragon. "You. Me. Brotherhood's Social. Let's go upgrade our bond and wreck some faggots in the Fonz's name."

"Aw shit, son!" She exclaimed, before raising her claw up for a high five. "I am so down, bro."

"Fuck yeah, bro!" You accepted her offer, slapping your palm against hers. "WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED, WE SHALL BECOME A WEAPON TO SURPASS METAL GEAR."

The sound of the mare beside you clearing her throat brought your autism to a grinding halt.

"Hey bruh, what about me?” Lyra inquired with a raised brow. “You can't leave a bro behind, my dude,” she pointed out with a cocky smirk.

It was true. Back when the Fonz roamed the Earth, spreading broship and fucking bitches wherever he went, he set forth a set of guidelines for all bros to abide by. These guidelines were named 'The Bro's Commandments', and any bro who broke these strict commandments without good reason would have their title of bro revoked.

One of the most important commandments was that you were never to leave your bro behind, no matter what.

Being the holy person that you were, you intended to follow the Fonz's commandments to the letter.

"Of course, my dude, I didn't forget you," you responded, giving the mare a reassuring pat on the head. "You're going to be our hot as fuck coach that's also the forbidden love interest."

"Woot!" The mare cheered, before shooting you a big ass smile. "I'm in, brah."

"FUCK YEAH, BRO!" You shouted in excitement, shooting your fist in the air.

"FUCK YEAH!" She echoed you, before throwing herself at you. You caught her in your arms as you embraced each other in explosive display of bromance. As she clung onto you, she looked up you and grinned. "I fucking love your ass, dude."

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” you said with a mischievous grin.

“Hey! Fuck you, man!” She exclaimed, lightly slugging you in the stomach. “You’re supposed to say it back!”

“>implying,” you implied as if you were Vlad the Implier himself. Real niggas didn’t talk about feelings. Only fake niggas who go to sleep before real nigga hours do gay shit like that.

The two of you separated, bringing an end to what was likely the most intense brohug of the current year.

“Alright nigga,” you said to the unicorn, “bring the car around, I don’t want to kill anymore gains by walking places. Shit’s mad gay, you feel?”

“Yeah, I feel bro, I feel.”

“Plus, you know, you can’t pick up hoes when you’re walking around. You need a bitchin’ ride, bro. You get me?”

Lyra nodded sagely before running off to grab her bitchin’ ride. You watched her go, keeping an eye trained on her top-shelf quality booty as she went, before popping a squat and pressing your hands together as if you were praying.

Barb picked up on your aesthetics and immediately squatted besides you, mimicking your pose.

“Now all we need is a couple cans of Arizona and some bucket hats, then we’d be in business,” you commented. The young dragon nodded in agreement.

“I got some Yung Lean bumpin’, if that helps,” she said, pointing to her headphones.

You flashed her a thumbs up, signaling her your approval. Barb grinned in response before turning her attention to her tunes.

In the distance you could hear the roar of your bro’s car’s engine as she started it up. Not long after, the glorious muscle car rolled to a stop in front of you and your scaly companion. The driver’s side window rolled down and out poked Lyra’s head, who was now wearing a bitchin’ pair of shades. “Get in losers, we’re going to Hot Topic!”

“IT’S NOT JUST A PHASE, MOM!” you shouted to the sky before sliding over the car hood and jumping into the passenger seat, your style earning some well deserved applause from the driver.

“LET’S FUCKING GO!” Barb exclaimed as she materialized in your lap.

“FUCK YEAH!”

“WOOT!”

Lyra worked the stick (l-lewd) as she slammed her hoof down on the accelerator.

...only to immediately stall the engine.

“FUCK!” the minty pone cried in despair.

“YOU FUCKING SUCK!” You snorted in amusement before breaking down into a fit of laughter, something the small draggo in your lap was quick the emulate.

You were overcome with immense satisfaction as Lyra’s hoof met your cheek with a loud smack, which also caused you to develop a softie.

...which was kinda awkward, considering there was a small child in your lap.

But you were drunk enough not to care.

You shot the mare a cocky grin as you covered up your shame before the dragon in your lap noticed.

“You still fucking suck.”

“Shut the fuck up, Anon.”

And so, you and your party rode onto the sunset, even though it barely one in the afternoon, your destination waiting just over the horizon.

What will our heroes face next at this mysterious Brotherhooves Social? Can they expect to overcome the odds?

Will Big Mac come out of the closet?

Will Anon discover the secret to dividing by zero?

Will Lyra ever git gud?

Find out all this, AND MORE, next time on DRAGON BALL Z!

“I’VE SEEN FOOTAGE, I GET NOIDED, I’VE SEEN FOOTAGE, I GET NOIDED, I’VE SEEN FOOTAGE, I GET NOIDED, I’VE SEEN FOOTAGE!” You, Barb, and Lyra sang together as Death Grips blasted out of the car’s speakers. The bass bumping from the subwoofers rocked the car like a minor earthquake.

“OH FUCK, WE’RE HERE!” You cried out as spotted the fairgrounds in the distance.

“HOL UP NIGGAS, I’M SO NOIDED, I’M GOING TO DO A FUCKING DONUT!” Lyra screamed over the music.

“FUCKING DO IT!” You exclaimed, slapping on a pair of Gucci sunglasses. You looked down, remembering that Barb was chilling in your lap. After making sure your glasses were secure, you planted another pair of shades on the dragon’s face for safety purposes.

“I’M GOING NUCLEAR!” Lyra screeched as she turned the wheel sharply to the left while simultaneously shifting into first gear and flooring the gas pedal.

...only to immediately spin out, because horses can’t into stylish driving.

“Git gud, dude,” you commented with a smirk.

“Fuck you, man,” the unicorn growled at you.

“Is that an offer?”

“Get out of the car.”

“Fine,” you rolled your eyes and allowed Barb to jump off of you, before climbing out of the car yourself.

Wait…?

You turned back around, leaned inside of the car, and grabbed a conveniently placed bottle of Applejack Daniels. You backed away from the vehicle and closed the door behind you, before turning towards the two grills who were waiting on your slow ass.

“Hol up,” you said with your best Will Smith impression as you undid the cap and wrapped your lips around the neck, tipping it back and letting the refreshing liquor flood your mouth and cascade down your throat.

You let out a content sigh as you finished off the entire bottle like it was a glass of water in the middle of the Sahara and tossed it aside (which exploded off-screen for some reason).

“Are you done deepthroating bottles? We need to advance the plot, you fucking alcoholic,” Lyra asked.

“Fuck, I guess. Let me just get something out the car real quick,” you said as you walked behind the car and popped the trunk.

“Is it more booze?” Barb asked as she walked up beside you.

“Of courshe!” You did your best Bane impression as you hefted a large backpack out of the trunk. “I got a whole day’s supply of the Fonz’s gift to all of his creations.”

“You fucking alcoholic,” Lyra moaned, once again pointed out the obvious.

“You’re just salty because you can’t into donuts,” you bantered back as you threw the pack over your shoulders. “Besides, I’m not saying anything about the copious amounts of weed you stuff inside that plushie of yours.”

The mare blinked, shooting a quick glance at the plushie that was created in her likeness that hung around her neck. For some odd reason that you didn’t even bother questioning, it was designed with a hole in the rear, and at the moment, it was almost overflowing with Mary Jane.

“You fucking stoner,” you said with a cocky smirk.

“S-shut up.”

“Dude weed lmao,” a teasing grin spread across your face.

!

“A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES!” you blurted out, turning towards the mysterious new enemy approaching you, “WHO DARES- Oh, it’s just you.”

“Eeyup,” the crimson stallion you called your brother-from-another-mother-and-species responded, “Took ya guys long enough.”

“Fuck off, I needed to take a shit,” you flashed Big Mac an annoyed look.

He checked his watch. “Ya’ll were supposed to be here like an hour ago.”

“It was a big shit,” you pointed out.

“FOR YOU!” Barb and Lyra both exclaimed the second your sentence left your mouth.

You tipped them appropriately for their quality memeing skills.

“Well, Ah suppose it’s a good thing yer a bit late. Ya won’t have to wait in line.”

“Quality,” you commented, before raising a questioning brow at your bro. “Where the fuck is registration?”

Big Mac pointed a hoof at a booth with a big sign that said “REGISTRATION” that was right in front of you this whole time. “Over there, dumbass.”

“Thanks bro,” you flashed him a toothy grin and a thumbs up. “I’ll see you out there.”

“We’re gonna kick your fucking ass!” Barb exclaimed in a high pitched tone.

“Ah think Ah’m gonna press ‘x’ for doubt on that one,” Big Mac said with a smirk. A serious look overcame his face. “Hey, mah sis’ and her friend Rainbow Dash are entering together this year… Ah’d be careful round’ them. They take competition a might too seriously.”

“Don’t worry, my dick is big enough for both of them,” you said, waving off his warning.

“Don’t talk yourself up too much, Anon,” Lyra bantered with a smug grin.

“Dude, all you ever do is talk about how nice my dick is.”

“True, true,” she responded to your point, flashing a look of approval at your groin. “You do have a pretty nice dick, broseph.”

“Thanks, my nigga. I’ll be sure to pass your compliments on to him.”

With that out of the way you began to walk towards the registration, only to be stopped dead in your tracks as Big Mac cleared his throat to get your attention. “Ah already signed ya and Barb up, Anon.”

“Nigga, what was all that shit about us being late and not having to wait in line and shit then?”

“Ah was being ironic.”

“Ironically suck my dick, my dude,” you growled before blurting out, “No homo.”

“Gay,” the stallion commented before motioning over to a crowd that was beginning to gather around a stage off in the distance. “Come on, shit’s bout’ ta get started. Since yer muh bros, ya’ll can join me up on the stage with AJ and Dash.”

“Awesome! Now I can show everybody my dick!” you chirped excitedly as you reached down and began to undo your pants.

“Anon, please don’t flash the crowd.”

“Big Mac, please hop off my nuts,” you paused your undressing process and flashed the stallion an annoyed look. “Just let it happen.”

“No,” he stated sternly.

“I HATE YOU, YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!” you cried

His stern glare didn’t falter in response to your autism and you found yourself buttoning your pants back together with a defeated sigh.

“You’re a fucking faggot, you know that?” You stated, cracking a grin.

“Yer the one always talkin’ about cock, Anon,” the red stallion deadpanned.

“Correction, I’m always talking about my cock! Huge fucking difference.”

“Uh huh…” he raised a brow at your statement as he chewed away at straw of hay in between his teeth, “whatever ya say, Anon.”

“At least I didn’t pretend to be a mare, nigga.”

You felt a smirk spread across your lips as you saw the anger flare up on your bro’s face at the mention of his crossdressing press.

He took a step towards you, more than likely being intent on punching you in the stomach once again, but he was stopped as your young dragon sidekick jumped in front of him.

“Don’t we need to be going up on stage right now or something?” Barb, the lone voice of reason, spoke up.

Big Mac stopped and responded to her question with a simple blink, before sparing his watch a glance.

“Eeyup,” he confirmed her statement.

Wordlessly, he marched on, signalling your party to follow. Deciding it was for the best to hold off on further Caitlyn Jenner and trap jokes, you followed him with the rest of your group.

In a matter of moments you were climbing up onto the stage with a growing urge to drop your pants and show off to the large crowd before you. However, as your hands began to search for your belt, a stern look from Big Mac signalled to you it would be in your best interests to keep your pants at waist level.

Reluctantly, you listened to his warning, figuring you could flash the crowd when nobody was looking and blame it on Paco.

Fucking Paco.

Throwing your Booze Ruck™ off to the side for later consumption, you made your way over to where the two mares Big Mac mentioned were standing.

“Howdy sugarcube!” Applejack greeted as you and your party walked up.

“Sup AJ,” you greeted her, before your eyes wandered over to her rainbow colored companion, “and… uh…”

“...”, the mare gave you a dark look as you struggled to remember her name.

“Pride Parade…?”

“Not even close,” she said, an annoyed look splayed across her face. “It's Rainbow Dash.”

So tsundere~, you noted.

“Shit… my bad, bro, I suck ass with names,” you apologized as you rubbed at your neck awkwardly.

The walking pride parade’s features lightened a tad, as she regarded your apology with a casual shrug. “It’s all good, I guess.

Before an awkward silence could even begin to form, Applejack spoke up. “So, are ya’ll gonna be enterin’ in the Brotherhooves Social?”

“Fuck yeah, bro, you know we love a good bro-themed competition,” you responded, before going to bump Barb’s claw as soon as she threw it up in response to your words.

“Onii-chan and I are going to kick your asses!” The young dragon snarked with a claw pointed at the two mares.

“I'm helping!” Lyra declared, not wanting to be left out of the fun.

“You guys seem pretty sure of yourselves,” the dyke standing besides Applejack commented with a smug smirk. “I hope you're not full of shit, it gets pretty boring being the best at everything.”

“Rainbow, hush!” The orange mare scolded her with an annoyed scowl. “What’d Ah tell ya bout tryin’ ta at least acthumble.”

“Hey! They started it!” she protested in her raspy voice.

“It's all good, brah,” you said as you patted the mare’s shoulder reassuringly. “Nothing’s wrong with a bit of friendly banter.”

She flashed you a look, but returned your wide smile after a second’s thought. “If ya say so, Anon.”

The rainbow haired mane said nothing, but she acknowledged your gesture with a nod of respect and a cocky grin.

As your attention began to shift away from the two mares, you heard someone clear their throat from behind you.

?

You spun around, spotting the Princess of Spankings standing behind you with an eager smile.

“Hi Anon!” she greeted you in very peculiar high pitched voice.

“Sup Sparklebutt? You're making a second appearance in this chapter?” you eyed her, confused.

“W-what?”

“Nothing, what's up?”

The mare shrugged off your blatant fourth wall breaking as she continued. “You got any beer?”

You noted a few shocked expressions among your small group at this, but you didn't pay it any mind. “Sure dude, one sec.”

You threw both of your hands up in the air dramatically, and with a moment of concentration, two forties popped into existence in your hands.

Your sudden magical abilities didn't get quite the reaction the mare's booze request did, probably because everybody was used to you breaking the laws of physics on a whim.

You handed the spare bottle out the mare, who took it from your hand with her magic, before you popped the bottle cap off with your teeth and taking a long swig from the bottle.

Bringing the bottle back down to your side, you eyed the mare curiously. “Shouldn't you be worried about your public image or something?”

The princess shrugged as she took a drink. “I'm going to outlive everypony here by thousands of years, sooner or later, ponies will forget.”

“Neat.” You shot Twilight a questioning look. “So what are you doing here?”

“Royal duties,” she answered, motioning over to the nearby podium that overlooked the crowd gathered around the stage. “I'm overseeing the Social with Granny Smith. I'm up once she's done kicking things off.”

“Cool, that totally doesn’t sound boring at all.”

“Your sarcasm is duly noted, Anonymous,” her pleasant smile shifted into a smirk as she continued to speak. “That said, I'm sure with you participating I won't be as bored as usual.”

“We’ll be sure to put a good show on for you,” you said with your dragon partner in crime nodding in agreement.

“Oh, I'm sure you will~” the princess winked and regarded you with a hungry look, which seemed to cause your pants to violently shrink several sizes in response.

U-unf!

Twilight giggled in response to your very visible reaction, before motioning off to the side, where you spotted Granny Smith’s wrinkly old ass approaching the podium at a snail’s pace, Big Mac helping her along the way like a proper fedora-tipping gentleman. “Save that for later, we’re about to start making the announcements for today’s festivities. Can you hold my beverage?”

“Uh, sure.” You grabbed the forty ounce out of the air as she levitated it over to you.

She flashed you a grateful smile. “Thanks, I’ll see you all once I’m done with my speech.”

The purple mare gave you “the look” one more time before marching off.

Damn! The fuck’s got into her?

“Well… that was… strange,” Applejack commented awkwardly as soon as she thought Sparklebutt was out of earshot.

“Since when is Twilight actually not a bitchy, book obsessed nerd?” Lyra asked you and her two friends.

“Ah dunno, Twilight’s usually not so… err…” the orange earth pony trailed off.

“Slutty?” Barbie threw in with a raised brow.

“Ah was gonna say forward, but Ah guess that could describe it,” Big Mac added.

“She a thot, bro…” the dragon under her breath.

You blatantly ignored her. Just as you were going to voice your thoughts in the matter, you were interrupted (very #rudely, might you add) by a dyke-ish voice.

“Man, I wish she would talk to me like that.”

The rest of the group shot Rainbow Dash a mixture of weird and aroused looks, which was met with a harsh, defensive glare. “What? You’re telling me you don’t want somepony to talk to you like that? Especially somepony as hot as Twilight? Seriously?”

“I mean, she is pretty fucking hot,” you agreed.

“See? Anon knows!” Dash pointed out.

“FUCK YEAH!” you exclaimed a bit too loudly, not like you gave a shit about the crowd silently judging you as you made an ass of yourself on stage. “You’re alright, bro, pound it.”

The mare with the rainbow mane grinned and took you up on your offer, smashing her hoof against your balled up fist like it with the fury of a thousand bro-tier suns.

“Yeah, you’re a pretty cool guy. Not as cool as me, but cool enough,” she said with a smug undertone.

“WAIT GUYS, SHUT THE FUCK UP, GRANNY SMITH FINALLY MADE IT TO THE THINGY!” Lyra blurted out, pointing towards the podium at the edge of the stage, where, sure enough, Granny Smith was now standing, looking very confused with her current situation.

“WHERE AM I?!” Granny Smith screeched into the microphone.

“Huh, what do you know?” You commented, before giving her your attention.

Big Mac whispered into the elder’s ear, as a look of realization popped up on her face. “Ya mean there ain’t no Klan meeting today?”

Your bro whispered some more shit into her ear, which she responded to with a mere “durnit”.

Granny waved off the red stallion, before turning her attention to the crowd before her. “Howdy ya’ll!”

“WE LOVE YOU GRANNY!” some overhyped stallion screamed out as several pairs of pantsu were thrown up onto the stage at her.

“Thank ya kindly!” she flashed her trademark smile at them, receiving a thunderous plause in response.

Damn, niggas really like their grandmas in Ponyville.

You wondered what the Pornhub stats are for granny porn around here.

“Folks, this year’s Brotherhooves Social is promisin’ to be bigger and better than any of the Socials we’ve held in previous years. We’ve got ourselves sixty somethin’ pairs of siblings entered in this year’s rally, and let me tell ya’ll, that’s a big number!”

“FOR YOU!” you shouted from behind the mare.

“Now, I’m sure ya’ll might remember how exciting last year’s rally was, and ya’ll might be thinkin’ ‘Granny, that sure is gonna be hard to beat.’ Ah mean, six ponies died!”

NAH KNEE?!

You thought this was gonna be some boring kid friendly event, what the fuck?

“Well, frankly, and cover yer yungling’s ears for this one folks, last year ain’t SHIT compared to what we have in store for this year, and to introduce our master plans, here’s-”

Twilight started trotting towards the podium. Her face beaming with delight.

“THE MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE!” Granny Smith shouted unnecessarily loudly.

“WHAT?!” Twilight squawked in surprise.

From the orange afternoon sky came a man -- NO, A LEGEND -- who landed gracefully on the stage beside the aged mare, dressed up like a cowboy from Brokeback Mountain if they had access to bedazzlers.

Of course, that’s fucking MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE, so it doesn’t matter how he dresses. His dick is still thrice as big as yours.

At least, that’s what you assumed.

“OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THE CREAM OF THE CROP HAS RETURNED!” Macho Man Randy Savage shouted into the microphone as Granny Smith eagerly made room for him, immediately sending the crowd into a frenzy.

He struck a pose and flexed for the crowd as they cheered louder for him

“NOW, BEFORE WE GET INTO THE GRIT OF THIS EVENT, MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE WOULD LIKE TO DO SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT…!”

The crowd fell silent as he caused dramatically, before he reached into his coat, and pulled out a single link of beef jerky.

BUT IT WASN’T JUST ANY BEEF JERKY!

“SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!” he exclaimed as bit into the small link of Slim Jim without even removing it from the packaging, because only candy-ass PUSSIES remove the packaging first.

In seconds, the piece of Slim Jim was gone, and his attention was back on the crowd. “AND, OF COURSE, LET’S NOT FORGET THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN EQUESTRIA.”

There was another dramatic pause, before Macho Man Randy Savage pointed up into the sky.

“THE GREAT TASTE OF CHARLESTON CHEW!”

As soon as the words left his mouth, the skyline exploded into a brilliant display of fireworks, the letter’s CHARLESTON CHEW flashed across the heavens.

The crowd erupted into a full blown riot as the hype and pure sexual arousal from Macho Man Randy Savage’s appearance became too much for them to bear.

“WE LOVE YOU CHARLESTON CHEW!” the same stallion from before exclaimed before he got hit over the head with a folded up chair.

“This shit’s absolutely fucking wilin’!” Barb exclaimed as she watched the chaos unfold.

“RIGHT?! THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!” you added.

As soon as those words left your mouth, Macho Man Randy Savage's head snapped in your general direction.

“WHO JUST SAID THAT?!”

!

The entire crowd fell silent as THE MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE stared down your small group with the intensity of a thousand suns. You could feel your bros slowly back away from you as you casually raised your hand in the air.

“Yo.”

“GET OVER HERE!” Macho Man Randy Savage ordered you as if he were Scorpion from Mortal Kombat, just one hundred times more MACHO.

Aw shit.

Not one to keep mother fucking MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE waiting, you moonwalked your way over to the podium where he waited patiently, a thousand eyes eagerly watching the two of you to see just what he had in store with you.

“WHAT’S YOUR NAME, KID?”

“Anonymous, Destroyer of Cunts!” You proudly boasted as you struck a pose, before giving him a cheeky grin. “But you can call me Anon, Mr Macho Man Randy Savage.”

“Anon, huh?” He eyed you through his dark wrap-around shades, the intensity his stare never faltering. “Are you a contestant in this rally?”

“Oh yeah,” you answered.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH?!” He demanded, wanting your answer to be louder.

“OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” You confirmed.

He turned his attention back to the crowd. “LET ME TELL YOU MACHO MANIACS, THIS ONE HERE IS GOING PLACES, LET ME TELL YOU. I EXPECT HIM TO WIN AND BECOME SECOND ONLY TO ME, THE UNDISPUTED EQUESTRIAN INTERCONTINENTAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF EVERYTHING!”

He went to high five you, which you took up with much gusto. As your palms collided, a literal shockwave shot out from your hands and washed over the crowd with an awesome POOMF.

Feeling pretty fucking satisfied with your first time impression of the man, THE LEGEND, MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE, you willed into existence for him a fresh can of Miller Lite, something he took off your hands without a second’s notice.

You weren’t much of a Miller man, nor was anybody else you knew, but giving him that specific beer just felt right in your heart for some reason.

“HAH! SOMEONE FINALLY GETS ME THE RIGHT BEER!”

He opened the can, brought it up to his lips, and in a matter of seconds, chugged to whole thing down in one go.

Macho Man Randy Savage leaned over the podium and stared down the crowd before him, shaking the now empty can at them. “EVER SINCE I GOT HERE, I HAVE BEEN HAVING A HUGE CRAVING FOR THIS AND IT TOOK SIX YEARS FOR SOMEONE TO FINALLY HELP A BROTHER OUT!”

He threw the can out to the crowd (which a rumble quickly broke out over) and finally got back to business.

“LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS YEAR’S RACE. WE HAVE A TOTAL OF SIXTY SIX TEAMS-”

“Check em,” you commented, pointing your finger at the crowd like you were Patrick Bateman.

“-ALL COMPETING FOR FIRST, AND I TELL YA, THE MAJORITY OF THE TEAMS AREN’T GETTING ANYWHERE NEAR THE TITLE. YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?!”

Nobody dared utter a word, as answering a question for Macho Man Randy Savage was immediate grounds for an elbow-dropping. The man had to answer his own questions, as he was just that MACHO.

“THAT’S BECAUSE,” he finally began after a long dramatic pause, “THE TEAMS WILL BE RACING THROUGH GHASTLY GORGE.”

Another dramatic pause.

“...AND A MINEFIELD.”

“NAH KNEE?!”

“HAH!” Macho Man Randy Savage had a giggle as he slapped his knee comically. “JUST KIDDING FOLKS, WE’RE NOT MAD MAXING THIS SHIT.”

He paused dramatically once more, before continuing. “LIKE LAST YEAR, WE WILL HAVE EACH TEAM DUKING IT OUT IN THE THUNDERDOME, UNTIL THERE IS ONLY ONE TEAM LEFT REMAINING, AND THAT TEAM WILL BE CROWNED THE NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION, ALONGSIDE I, MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE… AND THEY WILL GET A LIFETIME’S SUPPLY OF SLIM JIMS!”

The crowd went absolutely ballistic at this. It almost seemed like a full blown category five chimpout was about to break out in the crowd itself.

YOU’RE SO FUCKING PUMPED!

Macho Man Randy Savage casually watched the crowd go nuts as he snapped into a slim jim, taking a single bite of it and throwing what remained of it offscreen, where it exploded.

“NOW, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE A FEW STARS THAT I EXPECT TO OUTSHINE THE REST OF YOU THIS YEAR!”

He motioned behind him, where you and the others were standing. “THERE'S SOME PONIES HERE YOU SHOULD RECOGNIZE FROM LAST YEAR’S COMPETITION. THE REIGNING CHAMPS, APPLEJACK AND RAINBOW DASH, HAVE RETURNED TO DEFEND THEIR TITLE. THEY ARE GOING TO FIGHT TOOTH AND HOOF TO WIN, AND I WOULD EXPECT A DIFFICULT TIME IF YOU END UP FACING AGAINST THEM.”

The crowd applauded politely as Macho Man Randy Savage paused dramatically, before motioning to your red coated bro and his youngest sister. “AND WE ALSO HAVE LAST YEAR’S RUNNER UPS RETURNING FOR ANOTHER GO AT THE STATUS OF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONS, AND I GOTTA TELL YOU FOLKS, THEY ARE LOOKING READY TO SMASH IN SOME SKULLS TONIGHT.”

Macho Man Randy Savage turned his attention back to you, and Barb, who has now joined your side at the edge of the stage. “AND WE HAVE MR DESTROYER OF CUNTS AND HIS DRAGON SIDEKICK, WHO I HAVE A REALLY GOOD FEELING ABOUT. THEY DEFINITELY HAVE THE MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE SEAL OF APPROVAL.”

The famed Intercontinental Champion ripped the mic from it's stand and shoved it in your face. “ANONYMOUS, DESTROYER OF CUNTS, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO THE CROWD?!”

“Yeah, I got something to say, alright!” You responded with a smug smirk, before undoing your belt and letting your pants fall to your ankles, exposing your fully erect hammer of justice to the crowd.

“ANON YA SONOVA-” You heard Big Mac bellow angrily before he was interrupted by the loud frenzied crowd gathered before the stage. You noticed Lyra and Twilight cheering in an especially crazed manner out of the corner of your eye.

You grabbed the mic from Macho Man Randy Savage’s hand and struck a pose. You motioned to your diamond hard dick. “MY COCK IS THE SPEAR THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!”

You then proceeded to do the helicopter dick before the crowd, a move that was sure to impress. And impress it did, since the crowd was eighty percent women.

Mares love the helicopter dick.

You felt an exceedingly macho hand clamp down on your shoulder. “THAT’LL DO PIG, THAT’LL DO!”

Macho Man Randy Savage motioned you to rejoin the others. You, not being one to disobey a request from someone so extraordinarily macho, magicked up your pants and moonwalked back to your collection of bros.

As soon as you rejoined them, you could feel Big Mac’s dark glare fall upon.

“Anon.” The single word left Big Mac’s mouth.

“Yo?”

As soon as your response left your mouth, the stallion immediately buried his hoof into your crotch, causing an intense pain to shoot through your body as you fell to your knees in pain.

“Ah warned ya about flashing the crowd bruh, Ah told ya dawg!” His scowl turned into a smirk as he watched you crumble to your knees.

“IT JUST KEEPS HAPPENING!” You cried out in agony.

He shook his head at your lack of style. “Ah told ya man, Ah told ya about flashing crowds.”

You gritted your teeth as you struggled to regain your composure, before finding the strength to rise to your feet and dawn a pair of Gucci shades over the GAR shades you were already wearing. You took a breath and put your cool face.

In a moment of clarity, you decided to just deal with it.

As you dealt with it, you noticed Macho Man Randy Savage had finished his dramatic pause and struck a pose. “BUT, THAT'S NOT EVERYBODY I EXPECT TO GIVE EVERYONE HERE A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY. I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST.”

…?

...the stage is shaking?

You shot your head about, searching for the source of the disturbance, expecting a cyborg T-Rex to come tearing through the crowd.

Unfortunately, you were disappointed to see two minotaurs walk on the stage instead of an unholy combination of machinery and prehistoric fury.

In fact, you recognized one.

“YO WEED DUDE!” Lyra greeted her dealer as she overexcitedly waved at him.

“Hey man,” he waved back apathetically, continuing to walk past your group and towards the awaiting Macho Man Randy Savage, who was now motioning in their direction.

“TO MAKE THINGS MORE INTERESTING THIS YEAR, I INVITED MY BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER IRON WILL TO PARTICIPATE!” Macho Man Randy Savage proudly boasted.

The other minotaur, Iron Will, approached the stand and took the mic, before flexing and posing before the now noticeably unnerved crowd.

“I, IRON WILL, WILL DESTROY BRITANNIA!”

He tossed the mic off to the side (which exploded slightly off-screen) and backed off.

You took a moment to gauge the crowd’s reaction, and noticed that they seemed even more fearful than before. Hell, even your bros seemed just a tad nervous about the two minotaurs before them.

The Weed Dude calmly approached the stand, and grabbed the replacement mic that had mysteriously materialized when nobody was looking.

“Hey… I'll have uhhhhhhhhhh… two number nine's, a number nine large, a number six with extra dip, a number seven, two number forty-five’s, one with-”

“This isn't the drive thru, brother!” The weed dealer's brother pointed out.

“It isn't?”

Iron Will shook his head.

“Bummer…”

His usual apathetic face now showing a tinge of disappointment at the news, the Weed Dude backed away from the stand and walked off the stage with his brother.

You applauded politely as the rest of the crowd remained quiet, with the exception of a few silent murmurs.

“AREN'T THOSE GUYS GREAT? I HOPE YOU'RE ALL LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING WHAT THEY CAN DO LIKE I AM!” Macho Man Randy Savage exclaimed excitedly, not even noticing the sudden lack of enthusiasm. “ANYWAYS MACHO MANIACS, WE'RE GOING TO GET STARTED IN AN HOUR OR SO. YOU SHOULD GO PAY MY SLIM JIM BOOTH A VISIT. IT HAS DRAFT BEER ON TAP!”

The crowd’s enthusiasm returned as they cheered and applauded. Macho Man Randy Savage did one more pose, before waltzing off stage. The crowd stuck around and continued to cheer until he was out of sight, then began to disperse immediately after.

Well, that was cool. Time to go kill an hour.

A short while later, you found yourself stranded in the middle of the line for the Apple family’s cider booth (which was sponsored by Geico. They can apparently save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance by switching your plan) with Barb.

“Enjoying yourself, lil’ homie?” You asked your young dragon companion.

She responded to your words with an eager nod. “Hell yeah! I fucking love lines!”

“Really?”

She snorted, amused. “Fuck no, but I'm glad to be here! I'd much rather be fighting random ponies for the title of Intercontinental Champion than fighting off pedophiles in the streets.”

“Damn bro.”

“These streets are rough, brah.”

As the line slowly crawled forward, you felt your pocket begin to vibrate. You reached into it and fished out your cellular device, which was currently blasting Sir Mix A Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’. You looked at the screen, saw it was Lyra calling, and answered the call.

“MOSHI MOSHI!” You screamed into the phone.

“Bro, what you doing?” The aquamarine mare asked from the other end.

You frowned at her question. “It's always what you doing, not how you doing…”

“What?” She responded with confusion.

“Huh? Nothing.” You shrugged it off before continuing. “We're chilling at the Apple family’s booth.”

“Hang out for a bit, bro, I'm heading over. See you in a hot minute!”

*click*

You tossed your phone off to the side and watched it explode since it was a Samsung Galaxy Note 7. However, you realized that you actually needed a phone and magicked up a clone of your now destroyed phone.

Damn, you're gangster.

“Hey Anon!” A feminine voice greeted you.

You froze as you felt recognition swell from within you. You didn't turn to face to the source of the voice, only spoke. “I see that Dio continues to be too cowardly to face me. Totally unbro.” You begin to turn towards the voice as you strike a heroic pose. “BUT I WILL STILL BE SHOWING YOU NO- Oh shit, what's up Lyra?”

“Sup brah?” She shot you a loving smile as she gave your waist an affectionate squeeze. She beamed up at you. “So, you wanna hear some good shit, bruh?”

“Let me guess,” you pondered as you scratched your non-existent beard. “...Big Mac is pregnant, and I’m the father?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhh… no?”

“Oh.” You let out, internalizing your disappointment at not being a father. You swallowed your sadness, and looked upon the mare with determined eyes. “Lay it on me, Broseidon.”

“You know how there were seventy seven teams?”

“Of course!” You said in your best Tom Hardy impression, as you pointed off to the side. “I never forget a good repeating integer.”

“Doubles are the way, the truth, and the life.” Barb commented with a sage nod.

Lyra nodded in agreement, being a lurker of [s4s] herself. “I really, really liked those doubles. BUT!- Can you guess how many of those teams are left now?”

“Is the answer dubs?” You inquired, preparing to do another doubles checking pose.

The aquamarine mare shook her head sadly. “Unfortunately, no. There’s only four teams left.”

?

“What the fuck?” You let out as you examined the minty pone with a raised brow. “What happened to the other seventy three teams?”

“Well, they all bailed.” She responded with a shrug. “I guess they all saw what they were up against and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

“I can hardly blame them, have you seen my gains?” You bragged as you flexed, smirking to yourself as you caught a few onlookers mirin’.

“Of course, bro. I’m always mirin’ dat natty physique,” she commented, biting her lower lip as she eyed you down.

Your pants noticeably tightened at her bedroom eyes.

“No offense, bro, but I’m pretty sure they bailed because of the minotaurs,” Barb pointed out, like a smartass.

“Sounds like somebody doesn’t want any waffles…”

“PLEASE DON’T TAKE MY WAFFLES!” The dragon loli begged you desperately.

You snorted in amusement at her reaction, before blinking as you suddenly came to a realization.

“OH SHIT!” You bellowed out at the top of your lungs like an autists, earning several annoyed looks from nearby bystanders (as if you gave a fuck). “THAT MEANS WE’RE IN THE SEMI-FINALS!”

“FUCK YEAH!” Your dragon sidekick exclaimed with just as much enthusiasm, before extended out a balled up claw to you. You noticed the gesture and, not one to leave a bro hanging, collided your fist with hers as the two of you exchanged a truly awe inspiring brofist, one that would surely not be surpassed for several centuries.

Or, at least, another chapter or so.

“WAIT, HOL THE FUCK UP!” You bellowed at the mare. “Who the fuck are we going up against, then?”

A cheeky grin spread across Lyra’s muzzle. “Bro, you’re going up against the final boss.”

“KARS?!” You hazarded a guess.

The aquamarine mare shook her head.

“Hmm…” you hmm’d as you scratched your chin. “Dio Brando?”

“Nah, that’s for another chapter, brah.” She grinned at her own fourth wall devastation. “You are going up against Applejack and Rainbow Dash!”

!

Already?!

“Already?!” You exclaimed in shock.

“Yup. Already.” The unicorn confirmed, before a sly grin spread across her face. “You wanna know the betting odds against you?”

“The next thing you’ll say is ‘the betting odds are about a thousand to one in their favor, bro’.” You predicted with a cocky smirk.

“The betting odds are about a thousand to one in their favor, bro!” She exclaimed excitedly, before blinking in response to what you just said. “N-nani?”

“What the fuck, nigga?” Barb gave you a confused look.

You shrugged, waving your phone around in front of them. “I googled it just now.” You tossed your phone back into your pocket.

“Alright, let me guess, you want to pool our money and bet in my favor, then make bank when I win?” You asked.

“Nigga, that’s exactly what I’m thinking!” Barb excitedly replied.

“Fuck yeah!” You reached into your pocket, and pulled out a large bitsack filled a great sum given to you by the Equestrian taxpayers, before tossing it over to the mare. “Here, go nuts, brah. Just don’t go spending it all in one place. I better not find out you wasted all on high heels or timbs or whatever the fuck you mares waste money on, nigga.”

She gave you an annoyed look. “Do you think I’m some sort of thot or something?” She asked, deadpan.

You gave her a playful flick to the snout. “Jesus once said, ‘if she breathes, she a thot’, and baby, you’re breathing.”

She rubbed at her fleshly flicked nose, giving you an inquisitive look. “Who’s Jesus?”

“He’s my nigga, a true brodie.” You responded with a wistful nod.

“A real human bean, and a real hero as well!” Barb threw in. You nodded in respect of her knowledge. Truly, she made a fine sidekick.

“So,” you began, getting back on track, “When’s the fight start?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhh,” she uhhh’d like she was just asked what she wanted to order at a drive thru as she looked at her watch (which was one of those kiddie toy Spiderman watches for some reason), “Five minutes from now?”

!

SHIT!

“SHIT!” You blurted out in shock. You summoned a freshly buttered piece of toast, shoved it your mouth, gave Lyra an affectionate slap on the flank, and grabbed your dragon loli sidekick.

“SHIT!” She exclaimed as you threw her onto your shoulders.

Using your magic, you ripped off your previous duds (minus your GAR shades, because they’re hella stylin’) and replaced them with a Japanese school girl outfit, complete with thigh highs and no pantsu (because you love to feel the breeze between your knees).

“UWAAAAAH, I’M GONNA BE LATE!” You cried out as you began to run Naruto style in the general direction of the hastily setup arena where you were to face off with the living embodiment of a gay pride parade and Big Mac’s perfect ass packing sister.

Your name is Anonymous, Destroyer of Cunts, and today is your first day of cripple high school.

You screeched to a halt as your reached your destination, your skirt flapping delicately in the breeze as you stood before the tournament.

It was here that you overcome the odds, make a quick buck, avenge your bloodline, and get showered in mare pussy after the fact.

You assumed the CIA stance as you took it all in, the hastily put together arena reminder you of something out of Mad Max.

Hell. Now that you think about it, this place looks like the Thunderdome.

“You ready to kick some ass, lil homie?” You asked the dragon loli who was getting /comfy/ up on your shoulders.

“Nigga, a real bro is always ready to lay down the law.”

“THE LAWR?!” You repeated after her with the voice of a stroke victim.

“THE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWR!”

“THE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWR?!” A third, more posh voice chimed in.

?

“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!” You demanded as turned towards the source of the voice. Before you stood your fellow /fa/ggot, Rarity, dressed up in an over stylized sundress and hat, looking up at you with a pleasant grin.

“Hello darling!” She chirped, before giving a quick once over. “I must say, dear Anonymous, this outfit surprisingly fits you pretty well. Though, I must say, that skirt is just a tad too short.”

You glanced down, nothing that your schlong was visibly sticking out from underneath your extremely short mini skirt.

“Bitch please! I love to feel the breeze between my knees, this is the perfect length.” You said as you puffed out your chest.

“Well, I do suppose it is rather easy on the eyes.” She commented with a cheeky smile. “So, what’s the reasoning behind your outfit? Planning on giving Big Macintosh a run for his bits?”

You scratched your chin as you thought over why you were in a schoolgirl outfit.

“You know what? I don’t remember.”

As soon as these words left your mouth, you ripped off your outfit as if it were tissue paper, leaving only a leopard print banana hammock.

Fuck yeah.

Rarity, however, was unimpressed by your attire. “Anonymous… leopard print is a Summer colour.” She pointed out, being so prim and proper that ‘color’ is spelt ‘colour’ in her case. “Anybody with any fashion sense would know that snow tiger is the correct choice in the Winter.”

The mare’s criticism struck directly at your ego. You looked upon the mare with a harsh glare. “Bro, I’m a contrarian. I wear Summer colors during the Winter because it’s ironic.” You struck a pose as you shoved a finger into the alabaster unicorn’s face. “YOU are small time!”

Rarity shrugged off your assertion. “If you say so, Anonymous. However, did you notice I’m wearing a sundress in the middle of Winter?”

!

SHE IS!

“I, too, am embracing contrarian fashion trends.” She explained, before a sly grin spread across her face. “If you’re unable to pick up on this, dear Anonymous, it must be YOU who is the small time one here!”

DAMMIT!

SHE GOT YOU!

“OH MYYYY GOOOOOOOOD!” You did your best old Joseph Joestar impression, clutching your head as you realized that you have lost this battle of wits.

?

“Wait,” you regained your culture as you looked down at the mare with a questioning look. “The fuck are you doing here, bro? This doesn't exactly strike me as something you'd be interested in.”

“Do you think all I'm interested in is designing dresses and attending galas, dear Anonymous?” She gave you a sly smile. “I'll have you know I personally participate in monster truck rallies as a hobby.”

“Damn bro, that's pretty fucking cash.” You said, genuinely impressed.

“Monster trucks are pretty gangster.” Barb reminded the readers of her existence in this chapter.

“Yes, they are rather ‘gangster’.” Rarity nodded in agreement. “But to answer your question, other than entertainment, I'm here to socialize and cheer on my friends who are participating in the tournament.”

“Bitchin’, I'll be sure to put on a good show for you.” You promised the mare, giving her a thumbs up that would make the Fonz proud.

“I’m sure you will, dear Anonymous.” She gave you a smile, before motioning towards the tournament grounds. “Well, enough socialization, I do believe you need to get going. Farewell, Mr Destroyer of Cunts.”

“Peace bro!” You said your goodbyes to the mare.

“BYE LADY!” Barbie waved excitedly at her as she trotted away from the two of you.

A few feet away, Rarity came to a sudden stop, and looked back to you. “I should warn you, Anonymous, Applejack and Rainbow Dash are a lot stronger than they look. Same with Applebloom and Big Mac. I can only imagine those minotaurs are no pushovers, either. I know you’re pretty confident in your abilities, but please, do not underestimate your opponents.”

“Thanks for the tip, bro!” You gave the mare an appreciative thumbs up and a toothy grin. “See you round, homie.”

“Ta ta~!” She waved good bye, before continuing on her way.

You mired Rarity’s flanks as she trotted away, biting your lower lip as you did so. Her ass wasn’t quite as tight as Applejack’s, but damn, did that unicorn take care of herself.

Wait, what was that about not underestimating your opponents? That’s some gay nigga shit.

You’re mother fucking Anonymous, Destroyer of Cunts. You’re going to absolute decimate the competition.

But first…

You glanced down at your attire, realizing that you weren’t stylin’ enough. Upon examining your dragon sidekick, she didn’t look about ready to dazzle anybody anytime soon either.

Time to shake some things up.

A short time later while, the Intercontinental Champion Macho Man fucking Randy Savage walked out before the hastily constructed Thunderdome, the crowd surrounding the tournament grounds stomping their hooves and cheering wildly. Randy Savage waved in random directions in an exceedingly macho manner to show his appreciation to his adoring fans, before he brought up his mic to his face.

Only the toss it aside, because only pussies need microphones.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” He declared as he flexed before the crowd. “LET ME HEAR YOU GO WILD! I WANT YOU ALL TO FREAK OUT!”

The crowd went absolutely ballistic at his word. A proud smile crossed his lips as he watched the crowds go insane. He adjusted his extremely stylish sunglasses, struck a pose, and continued.

“TODAY, TODAY MACHO MANIACS, IS A LOVELY DAY! AN ABSOLUTELY LOVELY DAY! A MACHO DAY!”

He motioned to his left, where a certain pair of mares, one orange, and one looking like the embodiment of a pride parade. “HERE, TO MY LEFT, OR YOUR RIGHT, DEPENDING ON YOUR VIEW ON LIFE, IS A PAIR OF MARES WHO NEED NO INTRODUCTION. APPLEJACK, AND RAINBOW DASH, THE CURRENT STANDING BROTHERHOOVES SOCIAL CHAMPIONS, AND THE MOST LIKELY CONTENDERS FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP, ACCORDING TO THE BETTING ODDS! YEAH!

The crowd politely cheered for the two mares as they waved to the crowd and genuflected before them.

The standing Intercontinental Champion gave them an approving look, before looking to his right, and motioned in your direction as the story returned to your perspective.

You walked stylishly out from the shadows where you previously hid, Barb pimp striding alongside you.

“HERE, WE HAVE ANOTHER SET OF CONTENDERS FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP. MR ANONYMOUS, DESTROYER OF CUNTS, AND FAITHFUL SIDEKICK, BARBIE!”

You stood before the crowd and adjusted your GAR shades, before posing confidently before the crowd and your opponents, showing off your new duds in the process.

You were dressed up like the Fist of the North Star, your Mad Max esque biker outfit gleaming in the sunlight as you flexed for the cheering crowd.

You spared your opponents a glance, before flexing so hard that the size of your muscles.shredded your leather top to pieces.

You brushed off the remains of your jacket, before pointing menacingly at the two mares.

“YOU ARE SMALL TIME!”

“MORTAL KOMBAT!” Barb declared, who was dressed up like Johnny Cage for some reason.

A smirk broke out across your face as you stared them down, awaiting their reaction.

However, much to your shock, the two mares you were staring down returned your confident smirk.

N-nani?!

The two mares said nothing, only continued to meet your gaze as you stared them down.

You had to ask yourself, could ponies not wearing clothes have something hidden up their non-existent sleeves, and, if so, what do they have planned?

Really activates the almonds.

Pondering what their move could be, you came to the realization that to counter whatever this plan was, you had to catch them off guard.

You knew what you had to do…

“ROUND ONE!” Macho Man Randy Savage announced, pausing dramatically for a short moment before making a karate chop motion. “FIGHT!”

Without skipping a beat, you reached down and grabbed your sidekick. With perfect footballer form, you raised Barb up in the air and tossed her towards your two opponents.

“BARB, GO LONG!” You screamed after her as she flew threw the air at mach 5 towards the two mares who were now staring at you with dumbfounded expressions.

“WHOOP-E-DOOP-E-DOOP-E-DOO!” She bellowed as she twisted around in the air, her foot colliding with Rainbow Dash’s face at high speeds with a sickening crack.

The walking pride parade fell to the ground immediately, knocked out cold.

“HWAT IN TARNATION?!” Applejack jumped back just in time to dodge a follow up rider kick from your ruby scaled loli dragon sidekick.

“GET OVER HERE!” Barb blurted out a Scorpion quote as she ignored the fact she dressed up like Johnny Cage, before using her momentum to spin around and punch the orange earth mare right in the jaw.

However, much to the shock of your partner, Applejack took the punch, and pushed forward with an attack of her own, headbutting the poor Johnny Cage loli without mercy. Barb, caught off guard, was hit head (hah) on, being sent flying back towards where Rainbow Dash lay passed out. She fell down to earth and landed right on top of the rainbow maned mare, now also being out cold.

“JOHNNY!” You fell to the knees as you mourned the loss of your comrade. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

!

You dodge rolled backwards just in time to avoid a roundhouse kick from Big Mac’s big booty toting sister. You jumped up to your feet and assumed a fighting stance.

“My bro’s death shall not be in vain! I will defeat you!” You promised Applejack in an engrish accent.

“Actually, I’m not dead, nigga! Just taking a nap!” You heard your sidekick speak up from her position on top of the living embodiment of a pride parade.

You ignored that, knowing damn well it was a trick of the enemy’s stand to lure you into a false sense of security so she may get the best of you.

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD, CHARLES!” You screamed to the heavens as you gripped the sides of your head.

“HEADS UP!”

!

You felt something soft yet firm collide with the side of your head, the momentum of whatever that hit you sending you flying.

“THAT WAS A PRETTY CLEVER PUN!” You blurted out as you flew through the air.

You landed a solid twenty feet away from where you were standing previously, and realized that while you were in the middle of shitposting, your opponent took an opportunity to strike, kicking you with all her strength.

If you weren’t OP as fuck, you would probably be in the same state as Barb and Rainbow.

You saw Applejack sprinting towards you as you groggily sat up, rubbing your aching head. You were hardly one to give up so easily, however.

You shook off the agonizing pain that was consuming you, and jumped up from the ground, ready to fight.

“IT’S ON, MOTHER FUCKER!”

As soon as the apple obsessed mare was within arm’s reach, you struck out with a simple punch.

However, as you struck out at Applejack, she too launched a punch at you.

With near perfect timing, your blows hit their targets, as the two of you punched each other right in the face.

With that last strike, everything faded to black, as you fell to the ground face first, knocked the fuck out. However, your opponent landed at your side, also being in the same state of KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT as you were.

“NANI?!” Lyra blurted out from the stands.

“Huh.” Even Macho Man Randy Savage was surprised. “WELL, IT’S LOOKS LIKE BOTH TEAMS BEEN KO’D WITH NO TRUE WINNER. LOOKS LIKE NEITHER THE REIGNING CHAMPS NOR THE PROMISING UNDERDOGS WILL BE TAKING THE TITLE OF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONS THIS YEAR!”

The audience went into an uproar as a group of medics trotted out and clear your unconscious bodies from the tournament grounds.

Not even overpowered Gary Stu’s are immune from bad ends.

“FUCK!” You overreacted to the pain of a rather cute nurse mare applying some disinfectant to the wounds you acquired during the fight.

After coming to, you found yourself in a medical tent with Applejack, Barb, and Rainbow Dash, being attended to by a crack team of Redbull sponsored medics.

“Quit bein’ be such a baby, Anon.” Applejack teased from the makeshift bed that sat across from you, who was busy nursing a rapidly swelling black eye with an ice pack. “Ya guys put up a pretty good fight. Ah honestly didn’t expect ya’ll to put up the fight ya ended up givin’ us.”

“Puh-lease!” The rainbow maned mare spoke up from the bed beside hers. “We would’ve had that in the bag if it weren’t for that BS move you started with! Who throws a dragon, honestly?!”

“You’re just upset because you’re supposed to be the fastest mare in Equestria, and you can’t dodge a projectile dragon loli, nigga!” Your sidekick pointed out with a smug smirk, one of her eyes being covered up by an eyepatch (which are moe as fuck).

“Anon!”

!

Your head shot towards the source of the voice, and you spotted Lyra walking into the medical tent, carrying an extra large bit sack with her magic.

“Guess who cleaned house, bro!” She proudly boasted as she set the bits in front of you, before sitting before you like a dog. “This nigga!”

“Dafuq?” You blinked, genuinely confused by this plot twist. “How the fuck did you win anything? Neither of us won.”

“Simple. I knew the writers would probably force out some anti-climatic bullshit since they’ve been stuck on this storyline for almost two years, so I betted on both teams knocking each other out.” She revealed all of this with a knowing, toothy grin.

“Huh, that explains a lot, honestly.” You accepted her fourth wall breaking with open arms.

“It does, tee bee ech.” The aquamarine pony agreed with a nod.

With the obligatory fourth wall breaking out of the way, you jumped off of the bed and grabbed the sack of bits from your bottom bitch.

“SIR! PLEASE SIT DOWN, WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!” A medical pony begged you as you began to make your way towards the exit.

“FUCK YOU BITCH, I’M RICH!” You wrote her off as a pair of sunglasses materialized on your face as you walked out of the tent with your mismatched family.

With that, you and your groups skipped off into the sunset, with the camera being blinded by an intense lense flair as it faded to black.

“Anon… get up, Anon…”

?

Your eyes reluctantly fluttered open, as somebody (who for some reason sounded like Christopher Nolan’s Batman) gently shook you awake, rudely interrupting this kickass dream you were having about spitroasting a mermaid with T-Pain.

You thought mermaid’s didn’t have vaginas, but you were glad this one did.

As your eyes adjusted to the darkness you found yourself in, you opened your mouth to tell whoever thought it was a good idea to wake you up.

...only to have a hoof shoved into your mouth to stop you from doing so.

!

“Don’t. Speak.” The voice ordered you through a hushed, harsh tone. You struggled to get a look at whoever this mystery asshole was, but they were dressed in an all black morphsuit (that was complimented by a pretty stylish looking cape and hat, you noted) that completely concealed their identity.

“...furrrrck yrrrou…” You made your contempt known through the pony’s hoof.

Honestly, who goes around shoving their hooves into people’s mouths? Do they know where their hooves have been? They could’ve stepped in dog shit or something.

Yuck.

The pony ignored your struggling, as they peered down at you. “Anonymous, you are in terrible danger.”

!

Suddenly realizing that this pony might be an assassin hired by DIO, you bit down on the hoof that was occupying your mouth. A surprisingly feminine gasp escaped the masked mare’s mouth as she backed up defensively.

You jumped up to your feet and took up a fight pose, ready to put a motherfucker in the ground.

“Wait-!” The pony raised her hoof up to you, signalling you to stop. “I’m not here to fight you.” She looked over to the nearby bed, and motioned to the still, sleeping form of Lyra. “Keep it down… we don’t want to wake her.”

You raised a brow at the mare’s words, but did not yield. “What do you mean I’m in terrible danger, brah?” You shot back at the mare, speaking in the same hushed whisper as her.

The masked mare walked slowly towards you. “There are powerful organizations that have taken notice of you, of your magical abilities, and your ability to remember.” She looked around suspiciously, before continuing. “You are the key to something much larger than you could ever imagine.”

“...a key to what?” You questioned the mare’s vagueness.

“You will find out soon enough... “

You crossed your arms as you stared her down with an unconvinced look. “Nigga, why should I even trust you?”

The masked pony began to back away from you, making her way over to an open window on the opposite side of the room. “I’m a bro.” She responded, continuing to be vague. She paused, before turning around and making a beeline for the window.

“Wait!” You called out to her as quietly as possible, prompting to mare to stop as she was halfway through your bedroom window.

“Yes?”

“If I took off that mask, would you die?” You asked, completely serious.

“It would be extremely painful.” She answered appropriately, before jumping out of the window, and disappearing into the night.

“For you…” You said to yourself.

…

…

…

You’re going back to bed. Fucking ponies and their vague warnings of coming dangers.

You really ought to lock your bedroom window more often.

“Hey Anon?”

…

“Anon?”

“No.”

“Dude, get up.”

"Noooooooo-"

"Brah, you gotta get up."

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck…”

You groggily raised your head from the floor. Your current migraine made it crystal clear that you were suffering from a severe hangover. You examined your surroundings, finding yourself in a corner of the Apple family’s guest room and surrounded by a large variety of empty liquor bottles.

You vaguely remembered going to the liquor store immediately after winning a fuck-ton of money, spending a ridiculous amount of bits on whatever alcohol you decided to impulse buy, then running back to the Apple’s farm to celebrate and drink off the pain of your injuries.

Speaking of, it seemed that all of your injuries had healed overnight.

Shit’s fucking weird, man.

After a few moments of searching, you spotted the source of the voice that disturbed your slumber. Lyra stood above you, cracking an amused smile on her face.

“Lyra…?” You asked drowsily. You let out a yawn before glancing over at the conveniently placed clock. The time was a few minutes past one in the afternoon. “What the fuck, man? Let me sleep.”

You closed your eyes and tried to return to the dream realm, only to find yourself lifted off the ground. Your eyes shot open as you took in your situation, finding yourself surrounded in a golden magical aura as Lyra levitated you into the cool air. She shot you a cheeky grin as she eyed you down.

“Nice cock, bruh~!”

You glanced down, quickly realizing that the breeze that you had felt between your knees wasn’t an alcohol fueled hallucination and you were sporting your birthday suit.

Real niggas don’t sleep in clothes.

“Thanks, bro.” You shook off your annoyance at having been rudely awakened and shot the mare a smile. “I put a lot of work into it.”

“I can tell.” She bit down on her bottom lip as you heard a silent ‘unf’ escape her lips.

“So…” You trailed off as you were unceremoniously plopped onto your barely used bed. You reached out and grabbed a nearby half full handle of vodka off your night stand, taking a long swig from it. “Why the fuck did you get me up so early? A nigga needs his beauty sleeps, bro.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know broseph. Sorry man.” She gave you a sheepish grin. “I just had some shit I needed to talk to you about.”

“Look Lyra, I already told you.” You began, pinching at the bridge of your nose in annoyance. “I don’t know where babies come from. You should hit up my bro Alex Pones, he-”

You found a hoof shoved in your mouth as your bro rather overtly signalled for you to stop talking. “That’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the LODS-A-EMONE that we won yesterday.”

“Oh!” Your muffled reply came from behind Lyra’s hoof. She put her hoof back down and let you speak. “You should’ve said so, brah. What about it?”

“Well… we have more than enough money to go get our own place again. So I was thinking, like, why not go for it?”

"Getting our own place? So suddenly? I dunno, bro…” You scratched your chin as you took a minute to think it over. “I kinda like living here. I think living in a wholesome environment like this place is good for me.”

*SMACK*

You felt a sudden, searing hot pain on your right cheek. You rubbed at the sensation, taking a moment to realize that Lyra had just bitch slapped you.

“Snap out of it!” The minty pone snapped at you. “Wholesome? Good for you? That isn’t anything the Anonymous I fell in love with would say.”

You shook your head and immediately shook the thoughts of being a FILTHY FUCKING NORMALFAG from your head.

“Fucking hell, you’re right! Let’s blow this joint. THIS FUCKING FARM IS TURNING ME INTO A NORMIE!”

“FUCKING NORMIES!” Lyra exclaimed, shaking her hoof angrily at nothing in particular.

Before the two of you could break out into an angry frog screech, your bedroom door flew open.

There in the doorway stood Barb, still decked out with that moe as fuck eyepatch.

“Hol up! The fuck was that about joints?” The dragon asked politely.

You gave her a condescending look. “Bro, you’re a bit young to be injecting the marijuanas.”

“FUCK YOU! YOU’RE NOT MY DAD!” Your sidekick responded with a pointed finger.

“FUCK YOU, YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANY WAFFLES!” You declared dramatically.

“LEGGO OF MY EGGO, BITCH!” Barb exclaimed as she stepped threateningly towards you.

“YOU ARE ALREADY WAFFLELESS!” You said with a smirk.

“N-NANI?!”

“Nah, just kidding~” You said, putting on your cool face. “I'm not that cruel.”

“O-oh!” A relieved expression crossed Barb’s face as she regarded you and your bottom bitch with a smile. “So what were you niggas talking about?”

“Moving out and getting our own place since we got copious amounts of dosh after yesterday and this family friendly environment is seriously cramping our style.” You gave the young dragon a quick rundown.

“True, true.” Barb took in your word with a sagely nod. She gave you a concerned look. “I'm going with you, r-right?”

“Of course, brah. It'd be extremely unbro of us to leave a bro behind after taking said bro off the streets, bro.” You said with a reassuring smile.

The dragon loli gave you an approving thumbs up, before following up the previous question with another one. “So, do I still get my own room, or am I gonna be a couch surfing homie for now on?”

“No clue, bruh.” You responded with a shrug. “Only Lyra knows the true amount we won.”

The two of you looked to the aquamarine unicorn for answers. She looked off to the side, a look of shame on her face.

“Weeeeeelllllll…”

“...I kinda already bought the house…”

!

“The fuck?” You blurted out in confusion, both from the news and the fact you randomly teleported in front of a decently sized two story house out in Ponyville-adjacent during the time-skip. “When the fuck did you buy this?”

“Well, it kinda went like this- I decided I wanted to take a walk last night after you passed out. That walk turned into me drunkenly stumbling out here, seeing the for sale sign, and buying the house outright from the owner, who was still up for some reason…”

“You walked all the way out here with enough bits to buy a house outright?” This earned a concerned look from your sidekick.

“Hey, a mare needs a little spending money!” Lyra responded, taking up a defensive stance.

“Clearly.”

“Shut the fuck up.” You ordered the two of them. “This is fucking awesome. Just about as awesome as a drunken impulse purchase can get.” You slung your arm around your unicorn bro as you pulled her into a sloppy brohug, ruffling her mane affectionately as you did so. “Good call, bro!”

The mare in your arms giggled bashfully, her cheeks turning a deep shade a crimson as she returned your embrace an epic show of bromance.

“Glad you liked it.” Her whispered tone fell upon your ears.

After a while, the two of you separated, and Lyra motioned you towards the house. “Come on dude! Let’s check this shit out!”

You found yourself lying on your back, just drunk enough to get /comfy/ despite the fuzzy, itching carpet scratching at your skin. You admired the nearly perfect condition house, something would be sure to change in the coming days under your care.

There was nothing in the Book of Ayy about cleanliness, and as far as you were concerned, cleaning was for nerds like Sparklebutt. The amount of ragers you were about to throw in this bitch would surely do a number to your new home.

Speaking of which…

“HEY FAGGOTS!” You yelled at the two members of your party, despite them being not even five feet away from you.

“Yo?”

”Nani?”

“Check it!” You said as you sat up, and motioned at the home surrounding you. “We have this big ass house all to ourselves. You know what we need to do?”

“Spend the rest of our time off before Winter Wrap up moving in and settling in like responsible adults?” Lyra asked with a questioning look.

You gave the aquamarine mare a bewildered look, which was met with a snarky grin. “Just busting your balls, bro. OBVIOUSLY, WE’RE GONNA THROW A FUCKING PARTY!”

“FUCK YEAH, BRO!” You cheered, regaining your faith in her. Fishing your phone out of your pocket, you continued to speak. “Alright, time to contact-”

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

“LEPRECHAUNS!” Barb blurted out, before jumping up and sprinting out of sight, towards the front door. You heard her open the door, a quick “WHAT’S GOOD NIGGA?!”, before the door closed seconds later.

After a short delay, your loli dragon sidekick came back into view, now accompanied by Big Mac, who was carrying a half barrel of homebrew Apple family cider on his back like it was nothing.

“Ah! Speak of the Devil!” You jumped up from your seated position as you spotted him.

“Wait, you didn’t even say his name yet.” Lyra pointed out to you.

“Muh party senses were tinglin’.” Big Mac explained, ignoring the unicorn’s statement. After you did a nigga a favor and got the keg off of his back, you brought your bro into a brohug.

“Good to see you, brah.” You patted the stallion’s back.

"Back at ya, bruh." The two of you seperated. Big Mac glanced about your living room, before shooting a questioning brow at you. "So, when were ya planning to mention yer plans to move out?"

Oh.

"Whoops." You rubbed the back of your neck awkwardly. "Sorry fam, I guess we got kinda carried away."

Your bro met your answer with a shrug.

Knowing you were in the clear, you decided to move on. “Alright bro, what’s the fucking plan?”

“Makes some calls, clean out the local liquor store.” Big Mac pulled out a pair of sunglasses from somewhere, and put them on. “And party.”

“Simple, yet effective! I like it!” You proudly noted, once again patting him on the back. “I can handle invites, but, we need a bartender!”

“YO NIGGA!” Barb’s claw shot up into the air, getting your attention. “I know how to mix drinks, I got you nigga.”

“FUCK YEAH! I knew there was a reason I took you off the streets, bro!” The two of you exchanged a quick high five, before you changed your focus to your phone. “Alright, let’s get these invites out of the way.”

“What about the booze?” Lyra asked with a raised brow.

“That’s the easy bit, bro.” With the snap of a finger, your empty living room was suddenly filled with rows upon rows of various liquors and mixes, as well as your old couch that has been sitting in storage ever since you got thrown out of your old apartment. With a smug grin, you commented. “Fuck yeah, I love being OP. PRAISE BE THE FONZ.”

Walking over to the couch, you plopped down on it, and began sending out texts to everybody on your contact’s list.

“Bros.” You regarded your gathered bros, as you tossed on your pair of GAR shades. “It’s time to party.”

It wasn’t long before the citizens of Ponyville heard your call. Much like a call to arms, a call to party is supposed to be met with the same universal response.

No matter what time it is, no matter what you’re doing, or who you are, you’re supposed to drop everything for a rager, according to the Book of Ayy and the Bro Code.

Unless you’re a fucking manlet.

Fuck manlets.

Not even thirty minutes later, you heard the first knock at your door. You jumped up from your couch, stripped to your birthday suit, and excitedly made your way to the front door.

“WHO IT BE, NIGGA?!” You politely greeted whomever was on the other side.

“HI NONNY! I HEARD THERE WAS A PARTY!”

“PUNKO PEE!” You addressed the bubbly pink pony with your now fully erect cock flapping in the breeze. “WHAT’S REALLY GOOD, BITCH?”

“NOT MUCH, BUUUUUUUUUUUDDY!” She said, beaming at you. “By the way, I bought a friend!”

“Uh, you don’t get to bring friends.” You assumed the CIA stance.

Pinkie Pie giggled, before standing on her rear hooves and casually slinging her hoof over your shoulder. “Nonny, you're so silly! You always get to bring friends to a rager.” She motioned dramatically to the front door as she continued to speak. “Nonny, meet Chad Thundercunt!”

“Chad huh?” You blurted out, absorbing the name into your mind. You saw movement out of the corner of your eye, as you began looking towards the doorway.

!!!

“Sup brah!” ‘Chad Thundercunt’ greeted you with a gang sign.

“Uh, Pinko?”

“Hmm?”

“You realize that’s Celestia, right?”

“Huh?” Pinkie gave you a perplexed look.

The pink party mare looked over her shoulder back at the white, tall winged unicorn who stood in the doorway. She was decked out in a wife beater that read in full caps ‘GIVE ME THAT ASS’ and a backwards red baseball cap that sat on top of ‘Chad Thundercunt’s’ spacey, rainbow colored mane.

As she gave the barely disguised princess a closer look, a hearty laugh escaped the alicorn’s lips.

“Me? Celestia? Come on, bro!” She said with a mischievous look. “That’s just ridiculous, man.”

“Yeah Nonny! Don’t be silly, Chad’s not a princess!” The earth mare at your side pointed out with her trademark giggle. “The princess couldn’t handle the type of keg stands that Chad here pulls off. She’s too regal and motherly.”

‘Chad’ snorted in amusement. “You’d be surprised…” She said under her breath, low enough that only you heard it. “Pinkie, bro, why don’t you head inside so I can talk shop with our gracious host for a hot minute.”

“K!”

As the pink pony skipped happily inside of your house, you were pulled outside by Thundercunt’s magic, the door closing behind you as you passed through the threshold.

As soon as the door closed, the mare’s facade melted away, as the poorly disguised princess gave you a flustered look.

“H-how did you know it was me?” She blurted out, looking absolutely bewildered. “Nopony- I mean, nobody’s ever seen through my disguise. Ever!”

You blinked in disbelief. “Bro, your disguise is a hat, and an admittedly fucking brotastic wife beater. There’s no way anybody really thinks you’re two different ponies.”

“Chad, Anon! How good to see you!” A familiar, feminine voice called out to the two of you.

The two of you faced the source, spotting the Princess of Spanking’s trotting towards you, a bottle of Royal Equestrian gripped in her magic. You noted that she was dressed up as if she were heading out to a club, being decked out in make up, jewelry, thigh highs, and a simple, short dress that matched her highlights. She had also done up her hair in a ponytail, just the way you liked it.

It wasn't the most regal appearance, but God damn, did your dick appreciate her new look.

““Sup bro?”” You and Celestia greeted her in unison.

The purple alicorn quickly closed the distance between the two of you, her smile widened as she took in your state of dress.

“Is it your birthday, Anonymous?” She inquired, biting her bottom lip as she eyed you down seductively, her eyes lingering on your slowly awakening erection.

“Iunno, probably.” You answered offhandedly, before eyeing the mare with a raised brow. “Say, Sparklebutt, you know Chad is Princess Celestia, right?”

“Huh?” Twilight took a break from eyeraping you and gave you a perplexed look.

“I mean, it’s so obvious that ya boi Thundercunt here is Celestia wearing a wife beater and backwards baseball cap.” You pointed out the obvious obviously.

“And some totally kickass shades, bro.” Celestia added, pointing to the aviators she was now wearing.

“That too.”

The purple princess almost gave you an offended look, as if you just insulted her intellect. “Anonymous, don’t be ridiculous, Princess Celestia would never wear something so vulgar.” She rolled her eyes at your shenanigans, before pushing past the two of you. “I'll see you two inside.”

“See?” The Solar Princess boasted as soon as the door closed behind your friendship and spankings obsessed bro, her confidence in her disguise returning as quickly as it disappeared. “Nopony knows it's me. Not even my own pupil.”

“Bullshit. There’s no way, nigga. They have to be humoring you.”

“Are they Anonymous? Are they?” She eyed you dangerously, before grinning. “Come on, bro! It’s time to par-tay!”

The mare walked past you, and, after standing there having your mind fucked for a few seconds, you made your way inside.

“Wow-ee Nonny!” You heard Pinkie Pie exclaim from inside. “Your house is HUGE!”

“THAT'S NOT ALL THAT'S HUGE, NIGGA!” You replied subtly as you gave the pink mare a thumbs up.

“Woah bro!” You heard Chad speak up. “This is your house? Where's your furniture?” The alicorn gave you a bewildered look. “Where do you FUCK?”

“EVERYWHERE!” You replied with a cheeky smirk.

“Nice!” She exclaimed, before you and the poorly disguised Solar Princess exchanged a high five.

It wasn't long after ‘Chad Thundercunt’, Sparklebutt, and Pinkie Pie arrived at your humble abode that a healthy amount of ponies looking to engage in drunken shenanigans flooded in.

Of course, all of them failed to see what you saw. That the frat bro that everybody seemed to know was actually the ruler of Equestria.

You were stunned and confused, but most of that faded after you drowned it with six or so drinks.

There was another knock at the front door, this one with a bit more feeling that others.

Wait, was that the bass line to “Beat It”?

Throwing on your Thriller jacket to fit the mood, you moonwalked your way over to the front door. You did a quick spin, pelvic thrusted in a random direction, before throwing open the door.

“WOAH SHAMONA~!” You greeted whoever was on the other end of the door.

“Howdy Anon!” Came the chirp of Applejack. “Are ya packin’ heat or just happy ta see me?” She asked with a cheeky smirk, pointing down towards your nethers.

“The answer should be obvious, I'm always happy to see my bros!” You boasted as your dick twitched giddily inches from the mare's face, before waving her inside. “Come on in, brodie, make yourself at home and grab a strong one!”

“Much obliged, Anon!” The farm mare flashed you a thankful grin, before brushing past you, her tail seeming to brush up your leg as she passed by.

L-lewd.

You turned to follow her inside; however, your bro senses began to tingle and stopped you midstep.

Somebody approaches.

“Anonymous, darling! Would you hold the door please!” A posh accented voice called out to you, confirming your gut feeling.

You did a 360 and began to walk away, then realized your fuck up and did another 180 to correct yourself. You spotted a familiar alabaster unicorn trotting up to your humble abode, a bottle of Grey Griffon floating magically at her side.

“I got you, fam!” You said as you propped the door open with your foot, shooting the mare a pair of thumbs ups as she closed the distance between the two of you. “What’s up, bro? Surprised to see you here, a rager doesn’t really seem like your scene.”

The mare scoffed at your words. “Anonymous, just because I’m a lady, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to ‘throw down’.” She gave you a cheeky smile. “Besides, I’m not just here to socialize, I’m also here to help Fluttershy get out of her shell.”

“Fluttershy…?” You looked about, not spotting any sign of the quiet pegasus anywhere. “I don’t see her anywhere, bro.” You said as you scanned the horizon. “Where the fuck’s she hiding?”

The unicorn twisted her head around to look for her friend.

“Now that’s strange, I thought for sure she was right here…”

You glanced around, before spotting a flash of pink and yellow inside a tree in a nearby yard.

“Is she fucking birds up there or what?”

“Hmm?” The alabaster unicorn followed your gaze and spotted the shy pegasus hiding in the trees like she was Big Boss. “FLUT-TER-SHY, GET DOWN HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!”

The mare didn’t budge however, which earned an annoyed growl from Rarity.

“Don’t worry bro.” A confident smirk crossed your lip as you stepped forward. “I got this.” You struck a pose, and shot your hand out towards the distant tree. “ABRA-KA-DABRA NIGGA!”

There was a flash in the distance, followed immediately by a loud pop from behind you, as Fluttershy suddenly phrased into reality and crumpled onto the ground with a quiet “oof”.

“W-wha…” The confused mare stammered out.

“It’s normal, don’t worry about it.” You said as you dismissively waved off her questioning and disoriented gaze.

“Normal..? But only unicorns can do that, and they-”

You cut her off as you pulled her onto her hooves. “Yeah, well humans can do plenty of awesome shit when they put their minds to it, bro. I’m just that fucking amazing, bitch!”

Neither Fluttershy or Rarity looked satisfied with your unhelpful responses, but that isn’t something that had ever stopped you before.

“Now Rarity, it is to my understanding that you want to help this pony here learn to have a good time here?” You asked, pointing to the still wobbly sack of yellow and pink.

The pony in question walks over to her friend, resing a hoof on her withers. “That is my plan, yes. I feel like if she would just give it a chance, she may find that she would rather enjoy an outing like this!”

For a brief moment, you mulled the idea over in your head. Would it even be worth trying to advance a character like Fluttershy?

You shrugged, not really coming up with an answer, but deciding that it would be fun to try to corrupt her a bit nonetheless.

You took a knee, and gently grasped the diminutive pegasi’s chin, forcing her to make eye contact with you, much to her chagrin. “Look nigga, you wanna be stuck living scared of your own shadow your entire life?”

“N-no…! But-”

“Then that settles it, bro!” You declared, cutting off her response as you playfully jabbed your finger into her chest fluff. “You, me, partying all night! I’m gonna fuck! You! Up!”

At that moment, Rarity stepped in, clearly about to attempt to kill your buzz.

“Anonymous, I don’t believe that we should be jumping in this fast. Perhaps we should start, I don’t know, a bit smaller?”

“N-no!” The two of jumped in shock as both you looked towards the butter yellow pegasus after her sudden outburst. You noted her eyes shining with brolike determination as she stared the two of you down. She almost immediately sank back into her shell as soon as your gaze fell upon her. “I… I mean… I think I’m ready. I need to face my fears head on.”

“You bet your ass you do, and we’re not getting anything done out here. A nigga desperately needs some booze, anyways.” You said, picking up the mare and turning to bring her into your house.

Fluttershy squeaked in surprise as you dragged her inside, while Rarity seemed to relent as she followed you into your house.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS UP, EVERYBODY!” You blurted out as your stepped through the front door. “THE DESTROYER OF CUNTS IS IN THE HOUSE!”

“NO SHIT, THIS IS YOUR HOUSE!” Hotels.com’s Captain Obvious pointed out.

“FUCK YOU!” You gave the cunt a thumbs up, before dropping Fluttershy at your side. “Come on bro, let’s go get a drink!”

“Oh… o-okay!” She responded with a mixture of excitement and fear.

You, however, were not convinced.

“Bro, I’m gonna need more feeling than that. Give me a ‘FUCK YEAH’!” You prompted the shy mare.

“F-Fuck yeah…?” She repeated your words with a questioning look.

“Nonono!” You waggled a finger in her face. “FUCK YEAH!”

“F-Fuck yeah!” She put a half effort into trying to copy you.

“FUCK YEAH!” You exclaimed, figuring it was good enough. You slung an arm around her shoulder. “Come on nigga, let’s go get that drink!”

Together, with Rarity following right behind you, the three of you navigated your way through your crowded living room, dancing to the beat of Men Without Hats ‘Safety Dance’, until you found yourself at the back of the line for the makeshift bar that your dragon sidekick was running.

Wait, why the fuck are you in line?

“COMING THROUGH! HOUSE OWNER COMING THROUGH!” You said, shoving your way through the line of now annoyed ponies who were waiting patiently to grab a drink, making sure to “accidentally” cop a feel of every mare you brushed up against. “BARB!”

“YOOOOOOOOOOO!” She hollered back at you excitedly.

“Hook me up with something that would knock out an elephant!” You ordered cooly, with a toothy grin and a pair of thumbs ups.

“Anything specific?” She eyed you with a raised bow.

“Whatever the readers imagine me drinking.” You said offhandedly.

“One break of the fourth wall, coming up!”

“Make that two, actually.” You stated without skipping a beat. “Butterfly ass here needs to get fucked up.”

“Anonymous, don’t you think that’s a bit strong for Fluttershy?” Rarity spoke up in a worried tone.

“Nope.”

The alabaster unicorn looked as if she were going to say something more, but held her tongue. She instead shifted her gaze to the young bartender. “May I get a White Russian, darling?”

“Coming right up!” Barb replied with a sing song voice.

As the young dragon went to work preparing your drinks, Rarity eyed her curiously. “Say, aren't you rather young to be behind the bar?”

Your loli sidekick paused, giving her a cocky smirk. “I'm old enough to know you're a thot.”

A toothy grin spread across her face as her words were met by an offended scoff, as well chorus of whoops and hollers from those surrounding the bar.

“You insult my honor!” Rarity cried as soon the crowd died down. “I will have you know, young miss, that I am a card carrying member of the Thot Patrol!”

“Bitch, all mares are thots!” Barb declared with a pointed finger, Japanese lettering forming behind her for some reason.

“Well, I never!” The alabaster unicorn snorted as she held up her nose to the dragon.

Your cocky sidekick giggled mischievously, before handing over her White Russian with a brolike grin. “Relax, I'm just busting your lady balls.”

Taking the drink off the bartender with her magic, she lightened up and flashed the dragon a dainty smile.

The bar side drama now over, you promptly turned your attention back to Fluttershy.

“Step one to getting fucked up, get the proper drink.” You began, peering at the still uncomfortable pegasus standing behind you. The bartender slides your drinks to you one at a time, and you hold yours up. “This shit right here? It’s fucking great.” You boasted, motioning to the cup that contained the mixture known as ‘whatever the readers imagine me drinking’.

You still don’t know why they needed to give it such a long name, or what’s in it, but dear lord is it great.

Fluttershy gave her own cup an unconvinced look, before taking a dainty sip of the mixture. Her features almost instantly. “This isn't so bad…”

“DRINK!” You prompted the pegasus, as you tilted the cup up at an extreme angle, forcing a waterfall of the strong fourth wall breaking drink down her throat.

The mare coughed and sputtered, backing away from you as she barely managed to swallow the swill down.

What a champ.

“Not too bad for a first time, bro. I’m sure we can fix this by the end of the night!” You exclaimed, roughly patting her on the back and causing her to choke some more.

“Uhm… Thanks.” She managed to say.

You slammed the table a few times, gaining Barb’s attention, “Two more, and leave the bottle!” The bartender obliged, quickly pouring two more drinks and sliding them along with the bottle over to you. You passed one over to your shy bro, who thanked you with a grateful grin, before you downed your drink in one go.

“So, uh… what do we do now…?” Fluttershy asked you curiously, taking a sip of her drink, this time with a bit more confidence.

“It's simple brah, we bro down. Lemme show you how it's done.” You looked about, searching for one of your bros hidden amongst the crowd. Finally, you spotted Big Mac hang out in a random corner of the room, chatting up a couple thotties.

Perfect.

You waltzed over to your McDonald’s product placement bro, your two followers in tow.

As soon as you came within spitting distance of the red farm pony, he spotted you approaching, and flashed you a toothy grin.

“Anon, ya sunava bitch!”

The two of you closed the distance between you. You reached out to your bro, an action he mirrored. As soon as his hoof was within reach, you grasped it and pulled in him in, squeezing it with all your strength. Your muscles flexed and hardened in the dim light as he returned your grip, somehow, completing the “epic arm wrestling handshake” ritual.

You still weren't really sure how hooves worked.

The mares surrounding you mired’ your bulging muscles as the stallions in your vicinity looked on in collective jealousy, knowing none of them could experience anything on the level of the bromance that you and Big Mac shared.

“Bro, I need to engage in some philosophical debate with you right now. You mind?” You inquired, still holding the hand shake.

Big Mac raised a brow at your question, before glanced over at the two female members of your party. A look of understanding crossed his face.

“Eenope!”

“FUCK YEAH BRODIE! THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT!” You pulled your bro into a quick brohug, which he was all too happy to reciprocate. “LET’S GO FIND A PLACE TO KICK IT!”

Once more going on the search, you spotted a surprisingly unoccupied couch with your name on it across the room from you. Not letting an opportunity go to waste, you made a beeline for it and plopped down on the seat, letting the cushy softness envelope your body. Big Mac, Fluttershy, and Rarity took their positions at your side.

“Alright nigga, look. For the sake of our company, we can agree that the booty is the greatest, most important thing in existence, right bro?” You asked the large red stallion, taking a casual sip of your drink.

He gave you a questioning look. “Iunno Anon... what about apples, n’ family?”

“Brodie, are you fucking memeing on me?” You gave him a condescending look.

He cracked a smile at your dismay. “Ah’m jokin’.” He eyed your drink thirstily. You noted his lack of booze, and, being the bro that you are, grabbed a can of cider from a conveniently placed cooler and tossed it to him. He gave you a thankful smile, before popping it open with his teeth and taking a swig from it.

You finished off your drink, before tossing the cup aside (which promptly exploded off screen). You eyed the two mares sitting beside you, who were watching you intently. You looked back towards your bro. “Cool, cool, then who has a better ass, Princess Celestia, or Luna?”

You noted a look of shock cross Fluttershy’s face out of the corner of your eye.

He took a moment to ponder your inquiry, scratching his scruffy chin with his hoof. “Ah’m gonna have to go with Luna.”

“THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!” You suddenly lurched forward, getting in your bro’s face as you stared daggers into his soul. “CELESTIA HAS A MUCH BETTER ASS THAN LUNA!”

Big Mac shook his head. “Luna’s got better proportions, less fat.”

“BETTER PROPORTIONS? LESS FAT?” You looked towards your audience as you waved dramatically at your bro as if you were an offended Italian. “CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY?!” You pointed in their direction. “Celestia, or Luna? Who’s got the better ass?”

“H-huh?!” Fluttershy blurted out in shock, her cheeks turning an even darker shade of crimson than they already were.

“It’s a pretty simple question, darling.” Rarity nudged her reassuringly, before eyeing you. “Personally, I would have to agree with Anonymous here. Celestia’s regal posterior is more shapely and pleasant to look at than her sister’s.”

“R-Rarity, y-you-!”

“My nigga!” You interrupted the stammering pegasus, before offering the alabaster unicorn a high five. She left you hanging for a second as she regarded you carefully, before giving you a pleasant smile and slapping her hoof down on your offered palm.

Big Mac shook his head in disgust. “Ah expected better from ya, Rarity.” He turned his attention to the butter yellow pegasus. “Ya think Luna has the better ass, right?”

“Well-”

You shot the stallion a smirk. “NIGGA, YOU WILIN’. BUTTERFLY HERE TAKES AFTER ME.” You stood up and posed dramatically at the stallion. “She knows that CELESTIA, not LUNA, has the best ass!”

“C-Can I-I-” Fluttershy began to speak up, growing more flustered.

“Brah, of course she thinks Celestia has the best ass. She’s tutored by a brodie of good taste.” A new, feminine voice slurred out.

!

You turned to face the new voice, spotting Lyra stumbling towards your couch, shakily holding a red solo cup with her telekinesis.

“AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!” You greeted your female bro, shooting her a pair of finger guns.

“AYYYYYYYY*HICCUP*YYYYYYY!” She responded, trying to replicate your finger guns, only to realize moments later that she had hooves. She shrugged, downed the rest of her drink, tossed the cup aside, and plopped into your lap, straddling you in a very l-lewd manner.

“This is lewd.” You pointed out the obvious.

Lyra flashed you a sultry smile as she made herself at home on your lap. “It's a party bro, nopony gives a fuck!”

“Gay.” You commented on the situation.

You heard a girlish giggle emanate from Rarity’s direction. “I must say, Anon, green suits you rather well.”

“Fuck yeah it does!” The mint green unicorn in your lap boasted proudly.

“Double gay.” You smirked as you eyed the aquamarine unicorn. "Though nigga, I gotta say, it is a good look."

"Y-you too~!" Lyra responded to your compliment.

“G-guys!” Fluttershy squeaked out what you assumed was her version of a shout.

Oh yeah, she exists.

“What's really good, bitch?” You inquired, giving her your full attention.

“Is Princess Cadance an acceptable answer?” She asked, her face turning a deep shade of dark crimson as she twiddled her hooves, embarrassed.

“Cadance? Bro, you think Cadance has a better ass than Celestia or Luna?” You asked, genuinely confused.

“Y-yes?” She responded with a question for some reason.

“You don’t seem very sure, dude.” Lyra pointed out the obvious.

“No, I’m sure.” Fluttershy responded, suprisingly resolutele, as she pulled a bright pink smartphone seemingly out of nowhere. “Here, I have pictures…”

?

Pictures?

You grabbed the phone from Fluttershy’s hooves and held it up to your face.

You were greeted by the sight of a creep shot of all three of the mentioned princesses from behind.

!

“HOLY SHIT!” You blurted out in shock.

“Dude, what the fuck?” Lyra rubbed her ears in annoyance, having just had her ear drum blown out by your outburst, before adjusting herself to try and get a better view of Fluttershy’s phone. Her eyes widened in shock. “DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?!”

Big Mac peaked over your shoulder to see what the commotion was. He blinked in response. “Eeyup. That makes sense.”

“Let me see!” Rarity blurted out, moving closer to you to try and get a view of whatever you were all freaking out about. You turned the phone screen towards her to help her out. Rarity gasped in shock, her jaw dropping as she looked back towards her diminutive friend. “Fluttershy, I’m shocked!”

“Hi shocked, nice to meet you.” You said with a stupid grin.

Rarity shot you an unamused grin, before giving Fluttershy her attention once more. “Where did you get these?”

“I took them.” The butter yellow pegasus responded as she sank into the couch.

“Why in Celestia’s name would you take indiscrete photos of the princesses?”

She shrugged. “Well, I was bored… and Anon asked me to.”

“AND SHE ACTUALLY DID IT, THE ABSOLUTE MADWOMAN!” You exclaimed, before you and Fluttershy exchanged a high five.

After exchanging said high five, the butter yellow pegasus turned her attention back to you. “Cadance is the Princess of Love, so, she naturally has the best flank, wouldn’t you say so?”

“FUCK NO! CELESTIA HAS THE BEST ASS OF THE THREE!” You responded, looking at her with disdain. “She has the perfect balance of fat and muscle. She’s thicc, bro!”

“Damn right!” A new voice chimed in. You looked towards the source of the voice, spotting Celestia pimp-striding over to you. “Celestia’s ass is where it’s at, BRO!”

“See?” Lyra motioned over to the white alicorn standing before you. “Chad knows what’s up.”

“Dude, that IS Celestia!” You gestured dramatically towards the poorly disguised princess. “How the FUCK do none of you see that?!”

“What are you talking about, Anon?” Fluttershy looked at you as if you were crazy.

“Anon, don’t be crazy.” Big Mac chimed in. “Why in Sam Hill would Celestia come to yer party?”

“Heh, you said ‘come’.” You giggled to yourself, before remembering the topic. “HEY, DON’T TRY AND CHANGE THE SUBJECT. I’m telling you guys, that’s Celestia!”

“Sure Anonymous, whatever you say, darling.” Rarity gave you a pleasant smile. “Maybe you should go get some water, I think you’ve had a tad too much to drink.”

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

“But yeah, anyways bros, Anon’s craziness aside, I’m totally not Princess Celestia.” She reassured your friends, giving you a subtle wink. “I do have her flanks though! Check it brodies!”

She twirled around in a surprisingly feminine manner, as she shook her flanks and showed off her goods to her audience. You and your party clapped politely, as if you were in a golfing championship. You threw some loose change in the poorly disguised princess’s direction, knowing the importance of tipping culture.

She turned back around, shot you a gracious smile, and bowed before you.

“Well… I guess maybe Celestia has the best ass.” Fluttershy admitted.

“Meh, Luna’s is still better.” Big Mac said, taking a casual drink of his cider as he watched the spectacle before him.

“I’m sure my sis- I MEAN, Princess Luna would appreciate that, bro.” She gave the red stallion a pleasant smile, before turning her attention to you. “Say bro, I haven’t got any bro down time in with the host. Wanna you hang out with me for a bit?”

“WOULD I!” You exclaimed, your eye still on her deliciously E X T R A T H I C C flanks. You pushed Lyra off you in a very gentlemanly fashion before turning back to your bros, assuming the Kamen Rider pose. “CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP, FAGGOTS!”

“W-wait!” Fluttershy squeaked out. “What about my lesson in broship?”

“You're fiiiiiiiine~” You reassured her in a sing song voice, flashing her the “You're pretty good” hand gesture. “I'll come back for your ass later, nigga.”

“But-!”

“BYE NIGGA!” With that, you did a 360 and moonwalked away with ‘Chad Thundercunt’.

“GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!” You, Celestia, and a bunch of random ponies chanted in unison as you all grouped around the flatscreen TV you brought over while nobody was looking.

On the TV was a shitty reality dating show, the type that only single at home MILF’s and sixteen year olds watch. The program was hosted in a random Starbucks (a chain that didn’t have to legally renamed to a horse pun due to the word ‘buck’), where some spergy looking nerd horse was talking to some chick way out of his league.

“CHOKE! YOU FAGGOT!” You screamed at the TV, throwing an empty can of beer at it, much to the disappointment of the television community.

You watched as a drop of sweat rolled the diminutive stallion’s cheek in crystal clear HD, as he opened his mouth to speak.

“S-so… u-uh, d-do you watch anime?” The cuck, who your gut told you was named Mike for some reason, stammered out his question, not even being able to look the mare before him in the eyes.

“Anime?” She blinked in confusion.

“HAHAHAHAHA YOU FUCKING VIRGIN!” You jeered at the television, before you started to chugging down another can of piss so you could have another empty can to throw.

“Well, yeah! I love anime!” The mare gave him a sweet smile.

You did a spit take, spitting a mouthful of beer all over the nearest pony, much to their displeasure. “NANI?!”

“What anime do you like?” The hottie asked.

“U-uh, I’ve been watching a lot K-on here lately.” He answered, his voice betrayed the newly found confident spark in his eyes.

“Like, ironically?” The mare raised an eyebrow at his answer.

“H-huh?”

The hottie snorted in amusement, as she hopped out of her chair. “Sorry cuckold, I only date Chad's who watch superior Taiwanese little girl cartoons like Evangelion, not beta virgins who watch moe shit.”

“GOT EM!” Celestia blurted out, as the small crowd surrounding the TV began to cheer and whoop.

“GET FUCKED!” You exclaimed, as you threw another empty tinnie at your flatscreen.

With that out of the way, you put on some House MD, kicked back, and relaxed.

“I wonder if it's actually going to be Lupis this time?” ‘Chad’ wondered aloud, as she took a drink from her beer.

“Nah, I think this is the episode where Samus comes in with a bad case of herpes.” You responded to her curiousity.

“Aw fuck, I love this fucking episode!” The princess exclaimed, her eyes lighting up as she leaned forward towards the TV in interest

The two of you sat there in silence, watching one of the greatest shows known to man with a small group of kino appreciating ponies in the middle of this absolutely wilin’ rager.

A good half an hour later, as the episode came to a close and the credits began to roll, you glanced about the room to find something interesting to do next.

As you searched, you spotted Applejack, who was standing about ten feet away from you, chatting away with that rainbow haired dyke and Panki Pi. Her glorious, perfectly proportioned ass was facing your way, a view you appreciated with a quiet “unf”.

GOD DAMN! What an ass!

The Fonz was truly a kind God, having gifted you and this world with such a perfect ass. Praise be His name!

As you admired AJ’s ass, an idea formed in your head. A cocky smirk spread across your face as you eyed the princess sitting at your side.

“Hey bro?”

“Sup broham?” Came the response of Celestia.

You fished a small handful of quarters out of your pants, and pointed in the general direction of Big Mac’s big booty toting sister. “How much you wanna bet I can make these bounce off Applejack’s ass, brah?”

The poorly disguised princess regarded you with an amused look. She took a swig of her beer, before pulling a decently sized bag of bits seemingly out of nowhere, dangling it in front of you. “I'll take that bet, on one condition.”

“What fucking condition?” You eyed the white alicorn suspiciously.

Her facial features suddenly darkened. “Anonymous, you must bet your soul.”

“Hmmph!” You huffed as you tipped your visored cap and manned the fuck up. "I bet... MY SOUL!"

Celestia cracked a smirk as she watched you pose before her. “Show me what you got, broseidon!”

You nodded, a confidence smile spreading across your cheek as you tossed one of the quarters up in the air. You reached out and caught it, before extending out your arm, taking aim at Applejack’s perfectly toned flanks.

Steady…

Steady…

STEADY!

Once you felt in your gut that you had your shot lined up perfectly, you gave the quarter a good flick and wanted it fly towards the stetson toting mare. The coin arched over the crowd between you and your desired target, before gravity kicked in. The quarter fell, and struck its target, bouncing a good three feet in the air before it crashed on the ground beside Applejack.

“Hwat in tarnation?!” You heard her react, as she looked down and spotted the quarter lying beside her. She looked around, searching the crowd for whoever was responsible for this grave injustice, before her eyes fell upon you.

You shot her a shit eating grin as you waved to her. She returned the wave, giving you a knowing look before returning back to what she was doing.

You took a moment to admire her ass from afar, before turning your attention back to the princess, striking a pose. “NIGGA, I TOLD YOU!”

“Bro, you said you were going to bounce all of them off her ass.” She gave you a smirk.

“Meh.” You shrugged. “The writer’s are too fucking lazy, let’s just pretend there was only one quarter.”

“Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... fuck it, here you go, brodie.” ‘Chad’ responded, mimicking your shrug as she tossed you her oversized bit sack.

“FUCK YEAH, MONEY!” You cheered, as you examined the sack with a Jewish gleam in your eye.

Wait, why does this bit sack smell like vaginal fluid and strawberries?

Eh, fuck it.

You threw your newly acquired money into the fifth dimension, before jumping up from the couch. “COME ON NIGGA, WE GOT SHIT TO DO.”

After some brief exposition, you found yourself moonwalking with ‘Chad Thundercunt’ through your house. Where you were going, nobody knew, not even you.

Not like you gave a fuck.

“You know Anonymous, nobody will ever believe you~” Celestia’s regal voice teased you as she moonwalked with you.

You paused to do a spin, let out a short “HEEEEEEEEEEEEE”, and pelvic thrust at a random mare in the crowd, before catching back out. “That's what Bill Murray said when he stole my fucking french fries, NOW LOOK AT HIM!” You declared, motioning to a random spot in the room.

The alicorn looked where you were pointing, spotting a well aged Bill Murray joking with a couple of giggling mares. “He looks like he's just having a good time.”

“He is, BUT NOW HIS DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRET HAS BEEN REVEALED!”

“That he stole your fries?” The poorly disguised princess gave you a confused look.

“...YES!”

An amused giggle escaped Celestia’s lips. “You're a bit of an oddball, Anonymous.”

“I get that a lot.” You shrugged off her comment with a shrug.

A mischievous grin spread across the princess’s lips as she stopped in her tracks. “Say, shall we go mess around with my pupil?” She suggested as she pointed out the Princess of Spanking’s out across the room, awkwardly chugging away at a forty. “Despite her new, rather entertaining party girl phase, she doesn't exactly fit in.”

“HAHAHAHAHA!” You laughed at the sad truth. “Yeah, let’s go bust her lady balls.”

“Ladies don’t have balls, Anonymous.” Celestia pointed out.

“Tell that to Tumblr.”

You began to pimp stride your way over to the purple alicorn, ‘Chad Thundercunt’ copying your moves as she trotted beside you.

As you closed the distance between the two of you, Sparklebutt noticed you coming your way. She quickly drank down the rest of her drink, only to choke on it as the foul liquid ran down her throat. She waved you over as she tried to hack up a lung.

The two of you politely waited for Princess of Spankings to regain her composure, as it would be rather unbro to not do so.

“HERE BRO, DRINK THIS!” You suddenly got impatient and jump into action, handing the mare a red solo cup filled with clear liquid. She flashed you a grateful smile and took it off you, taking a quick gulp to hopefully drown her coughing fit.

She immediately spat it out.

“Anon, what is this?!” She looked at you, her eyes widening with shock.

“Mango Barcardi mixed with Everclear.”

“Why would you- I thought this was water!” She gave you an annoyed glare.

You shot her a smirk. “Hey, it stopped you from hacking up a lung, didn't it?”

“I-” She paused, realizing that you were right. “I suppose you're right.”

“FUCK YEAH I AM!” You boasted, before extending your fist out to the mare. “Pound it, bro!”

Sparklebutt took a second to register what was going on, before eagerly bumping her hoof against your fist, completing the brofist ritual. She shot you a sultry look. “You know, I have something that you can pound, Anon~”

“Nyohoho~!” Celestia nyohoho’d in response to her protege’s lewdness. She wrapped a hoof around your shoulder and eyed the mare amusedly. “When did you get so lewd, bro?”

Twilight shrugged. “I learned from the best.” She answered, giving you a dirty look.

“Woot!” You cheered, holding your drink up in the air. “Here's to being a terrible influence!”

“Cheers, I'll drink to that, bro!” ‘Chad’ mirrored you, holding up what appeared to be a bottle of ranch towards the sky.

“Here here!” Sparklebutt joined in, clinking her empty plastic solo cup against yours in an effort to fit in. You were polite enough to magically refill her drink when nobody was looking.

Everyone tossed back their respective drinks. You relished in the burn as your harsh mixture made it’s way down your throat.

“I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE! WOOOOAAAAAAAH!” You declared as you crushed your cup in your hand and threw it off in a random direction (the cup surprisingly remained intact offscreen). After getting your rampant autism under control, you fished out your trusty emergency flask from your pocket, took a swig of the cheap vodka contained within, and turned your attention to the purple alicorn. “You enjoying yourself, Sparklebutt? You’re not planning on calling the Guard on us this time around, are you?” You teased the mare with a smirk as you busted her metaphorical balls.

She shook her head. “Don't be silly, Anonymous. I wouldn't be a very good ‘Princess of Friendship’ if I didn't let ponies have fun.”

...Huh.

You found yourself suddenly missing the days when the Princess of Spankings would get angry when you called her by her pet name and when you teased her about her serious business ways.

Sure, butting heads with Sparkebutt could get irritating, but it was fun as hell.

It was pretty cash that Twilight had seemingly accepted broship into her life, albeit in her own awkward way, but… it just wasn’t the same as when you first met the nerdy, friendship fetishist.

Feels bad man.

“Hey bro, you cool?”

“Huh?” You blinked, looking up at the two mares as the voice of ‘Chad Thundercunt’ shook you from your thoughts.

“You've been looking into your flask with a thousand yard stare for the past three minutes.” Twilight threw in, as she reached out to you, placing a comforting hoof on your shoulder. “Is something the matter?”

“Nah bro, I’m fine!” You waved off their concerns as you shot them a reassuring grin. “Just got lost in my thoughts, that’s all.”

The two alicorns traded looks, unconvinced. Twilight eyed you, the worry evident in her eyes. “Do you want to take a break and talk about it?”

You took a moment to think over her offer, then shook your head. “Nah. It's not important.” You took a long swig from your flask, and eyed the two ponies dangerously. “What's important is what I'm going to do.”

“Oh yeah?” Celestia raised a brow at you. “What's the next step of your master plan?”

“I'm going to crash my liver, with no survivors!” You boasted proudly as you struck a pose.

“That sounds… extremely unpleasant.” Twilight commented with a grimace.

“FOR YOU.” You responded cheekily as you flexed for the sake of fanservice. Utilizing your newfound OP magical abilities, you summoned a handle of chilled Smirnoff, ripped off the cap, and arched back as you took a long swig from it.

Swallowing down the cheap-ish vodka, you relished in the feeling of the cool burn as it made it’s way down your throat. There was simply nothing better than the sensation of freezer stored vodka travelling down to your esophagus.

Well, with the exception of the booty.

Nothing’s better than the booty.

Nothing.

You took a breath as you offered the handle over to your two companions. ‘Chad’ was eager to take you up on your offer, grabbing the bottle off of you with her magic, and more or less shoving it down her throat as she forced down the harsh liquid. After a moment, she swallowed and handed the bottle back to you, managing to keep composure.

“Beat that, brah.” The poorly disguised princess challenged you with a cocky smirk.

This bitch. Does she really think she can best you in the sport of drink?

Time to put this cunt in her place.

“IT’S ON LIKE SAIGON, MOTHER FUCKER!” You proclaimed as you manned the fuck up.

“Anon.”

…

“Anoooooooooooonnnnnnnnn.”

“No.” You responded weakly, not opening your eyes, praying whoever was disturbing your post-party slumber would take the hint and fuck off.

“Wake up, fuck face!” You heard the voice sound off, as you felt what appeared to be an empty beer can bounce off the side of your head.

“Ow!” You yelped, rubbing the side of your aching skulls. You shot up, clutching the side of your aching skull, locking eyes with Princess Celestia, who was staring you down with a mischievous look. You noted her wife beater now read “FEDERAL PUSSY INSPECTOR” in all caps. “Et tu, broseph?”

“There’s no time to sleep, cocknose,” ‘Chad’ paused, taking a moment to throw on a pair of kickass looking shades, “We have a city to burn.”

“Oh, real shit?”

“Nah brah, I’m yanking your dick. I’m way too hungover for that shit.” The poorly disguised princess responded with a grimace, before extending a hoof out to you. “Need a hoof up, brodie?”

“That’d be really bro-tier of you, nigga.” You grasped the shockingly soft hoof that was extended out to you. With seemingly no effort, the mare pulled you off the ground and onto your feet in one fluid movement. You took a moment to mire Chad’s gains, before turning your attention to less pressing matters. “So, bro, uh, what the fuck happened last night? I don’t remember shit.”

“Bro, you don’t remember?” Celestia regarded you with a curious brow.

“Did I fucking stutter, nigga?”

She rolled her eyes. “We got married, dude!” The mare exclaimed, a toothy smile plastered on her face.

“NANI!?”

“Lawl no, just smashing your nads, Broseidon.” She waved off your response with a shit eating grin. “For real, you don’t partaking in a bit of the devil’s lettuce?”

“No? Why in the fuck would I do- Oh wait, it’s all coming back to me.” You said, the world beginning to dissolve around you as Wayne and Murph passed by the screen, making a "di-dee-loo" sound with their mouths as they waved their hands about.

“Why are we still here?” You slurred out your question as you sloshed around your drink. “Just to suffer?”

“Hmm?” The poorly disguised Celestia, who was now a disheveled mess and using your shoulder as a pillow, looked up at you with confused, bloodshot eyes.

“What?” You asked of the mare, confused yourself, completely forgetting what you were going to say.

“Huh?” Lyra chimed in, who had apparently occupied your lap during your apparent blackout period.

“Weren't we supposed to have a drinking contest?” You asked ‘Chad’ with a raised brow.

She shrugged. “Fuck if I know, bro.”

You took a drink from the red solo cup that occupied your hand, relishing in the feeling of the harsh swill running down your throat. You glanced around, noting that the party seemed to be winding down a bit.

That would never do.

“CELESTIA!” You exclaimed, jumping up from the couch, inadvertently knocking Lyra off of you in the process.

The poorly disguised princess remained silent, taking a casual, yet obnoxiously loud sip of her drink as she eyed you with an annoyed look.

“CHAD!” You corrected yourself.

“SUP BRO?!” She exclaimed, jumping up from the couch.

“WE NEED TO PARTY, BRAH!” You declared.

“WE PARTYIN’ NOW?!” The alicorn echoed you with equal amounts of enthusiasm.

“FUCK YEAH, BRO! LET’S GET TURNT-” You exclaimed.

“THE-” Celestia continued your sentence.

“FUCK-” Lyra chimed in, as she rose off the ground.

“UP!” As soon as those final words escaped Celestia’s throat, you grabbed a conveniently placed folding chair, and, without hesitation, threw it out of a nearby window, standing there with a smug grin as you watched the glass shatter. The nearby crowd cheered at your retarded behavior, and immediately began stepping up their drinking game. You also noticed a few drunken brawls break out, the traditional response to someone throwing a chair in the middle of a crowd.

“Uh, Anon?” You heard Lyra pipe up.

“What’s really good, bitch?”

“You know that’s *our* window that you just broke, right?”

...oh yeah.

“SHIT.” You rubbed the back of your head, the realization of just how retarded you are hitting you as hard as that airborne chair smashed through that window. “Whatever,” you said with a shrug. “I’m a retardedly OP Gary Stu, I’ll just fix it in the morning.”

“Uh huh,” your faithful companion absentmindedly responded, watching one of the fights you caused with your actions. “Just don’t break any of my shit, aight fam?”

“For sure, bro.”

“YO!” Chad Thundercock butted her head between the two of you. “You two wanna get your smonk on?” She asked, waving what appeared to be a very sizeable joint in between the two of you.

“FUCK YES!” Lyra blurted out excitedly, her eyes widening in excitement as she eyed down the doobie hungrily.

“I’m good, bro.” You waved off her offer. “Dude weed lmao really isn’t my thing. I don’t wanna be a gay ass stoner or anything.”

The poorly disguised princess scoffed, giving you a look of disgust. “What are you, some kind of pussy?”

“WHO YOU CALLIN’ A PUSSY?!” You demanded, getting in the mare’s face as you puffed out your chest in a show of masculine aggression.

“YOU, BRO!” She mirrored your stance, flexing her wings in a show of dominance.

“I AIN’T NO PUSSY, NIGGA! I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I ALWAYS FALL FOR PEER PRESSURE! PASS ME THAT BOOF, BRO!”

“Slow your roll, bro~” You felt Lyra’s sing song flirtatious voice tickle your ear, as she moved close to you, and ran a gentle hoof down your chest. “You can’t just rush into this, you gotta relax and enjoy the ride.”

You looked into the lustful, mischievous eyes of the aquamarine unicorn, as she stared you down hungrily, causing your pants to violently shrink in response.

“Damn girl, it’s just ‘bro kush hehe’, calm your crotchtits.” Celestia commented on her behavior.

“Hush! I’m just excited to break his weed cherry is all!” Lyra shot a playful glare the poorly disguised princess’s way.

“Wouldn’t be the first cherry we broke together.” You remarked with a smirk.

“Heyo!” The white alicorn cheered, waving her drink around in the air. “Now, let’s go smonk!”

The wife beater wearing princess more or less skipped her way over to the now shattered sliding glass door, and hopped through the convenient hole.

Heh.

Hole.

You and your ever faithful companion followed her outside, finding Chad Thundercock eagerly waiting for the two of you by your pool.

“Wait, we have a pool?” You asked aloud.

“Yeah, you didn’t notice?”

“Nah, I was too busy being a fucking retard.” You responded truthfully, choosing this time to scratch at your itching junk for whatever reason.

You made your way over to where the stoner princess was waiting for you, and plopped down beside her, sticking your legs in the pool.

Blatantly ignoring the fact you still had your jeans, socks, and shoes still on.

Lyra plopped down in her usual spot, opting to get comfy in your lap than sitting on the ground.

“Ya’ll ready for this shit? It’s Agave Honey Hot Cheetos, it’s some good shit!”

“What the fuck does that even mean?” You inquired like a filthy newfag.

“Nobody fucking knows, but we gone smoke it.” Celestia answered as she stuck the end of the joint in her mouth. A zippo lighter wrapped in a golden aura, engraved with what you assumed to be some sort of frat logo, appeared before the princess, as she brought it up to the opposite end of the spliff, lighting it as she inhaled.

She held it in for a second, before exhaling, a thick smoke leaving her mouth and blowing in your faces.

“Ooo, that’s dank.” Lyra commented, while you blew the smoke away with your hand in annoyance.

“I only pay for the best, my dude. Or rather, the Equestrian taxpayers do.” The princess smirked.

“Oh nice, you like a Royal Guard or something?”

“Bro,” You deadpanned, as you raised your hands and gestured dramatically at the white alicorn, “That’s Princess Celestia. Come on! It’s so obvious!”

“Anon, contact high is a meme, you don’t need to say stupid shit like that to try and fit in with us.” Lyra snickered.

“BRO, I’VE BEEN SAYING THIS ALL NIGHT!”

“Celestia wouldn’t smoke weed at some random house party with a couple of random dudes she doesn’t know. That’s, like, illegal!”

“Actually I- I mean, Celestia made that legal years ago.”

Fuck it.

You decided to drop it, as Lyra took her turn with the boof. She passed it over to you as she exhaled.

As you took it off her, Lyra leaned in and pecked you on the cheek, pulling away from you with a light giggle.

You felt a tinge of emotion deep in your chest as you shot her a smile, before moving your focus to the slowly burning joint in your hands.

“So, how do we partake in this mari-jew-iguana?” You asked innocently.

“Are you retarded?” ‘Chad’ retorted with a stupid grin, her eyes beginning to redden.

“Yes, why?”

“Oh.”

“Come on Chad, lay off, it’s his first time.” Your faithful companion defended your honor, shooting you a reassuring smile.

“All good, bro, I’m just bullying my man’s dick.” She said, motioning you to continue.

Lyra turned her attention to you, shifting in your lap to face you. “It’s simple, hun. Just inhale, hold it for three seconds, and exhale.”

“Chill Lyra, I’m not actually that stupid, I know how to smoke.” You said, fumbling with the spliff as you inserted it into your lips, and you inhaled.

And inhaled.

And inhaled.

“Anon, holy fuck. I said hold for three seconds, not inhale for three minutes.”

You stopped, held it in as you were told, and exhaled. As you did so, you felt a tickle in your throat, and a harsh cough escaped your mouth.

You heard the poorly disguised princess giggling gleefully while watching you cough up a lung. “Hah, you pussy!”

“Yo Celestia-”

“Chad.” 'Chad Thundercock' corrected.

“Yo Chad, eat a fucking dick.”

“Huh, I guess that did happen.” You said, scratching your chin in thought.

“Yup!” Lyra chirped, before her face shifted. “Fuck, are they really going for this gimmick?”

“Chill Lyra, what did you expect? Originality? At least Celestia didn’t actually get married to me.” You responded.

“Not yet, at least.” Celestia mused. “Ara ara~”

“Bro, you really gotta stop calling Chad Celestia, it’s kinda weird.” Lyra said, giving you an off look.

“Bruh.” You deadpanned.

Lyra ignored the bruh moment. “Anyways, last night was fun! And you were so- I dunno, it was different. A nice kind of different.”

“What’d we do?”

“Huh?” The unicorn eyed you curiously.

“He apparently blacked out, like a bitch.” Celestia threw in an explanation.

“Fuck off my dick, brah.” You turned your attention back to Lyra. “So, what happened?”

“We like, danced, and did, I dunno, couplely things?” The mare said, not entirely sure of herself.

“Oh yes… I remember just like it was yesterday…” You monotoned, as you began to enter the flashback.

“It was yesterday, dickhead.” Lyra bullied you like a true bro.

“Shut the fuck up, Lyra, you’re out of your element.”

“Yo Celestia-”

“Chad.” Chad Thundercock corrected.

“Yo Chad, eat a fucking dick.”

“Ouch, you wound me so, dear bro.” She said, wiping away a fake tear.

“Don’t you think that was a bit much, Anon?” Lyra eyed you, with a hint of worry in her eyes.

“Fuck no, bro. I’m no bitch.”

“You smoked like half the doobie, man. On your first go.” Lyra hid a small smile that tugged at her lips with the tip of her hoof. “Boy, you’re going to be in for a journey.”

You felt the aquamarine unicorn gently push you as she eased you onto your back. She fell to your side, wrapping her hooves around you as she laid her head on your chest.

“You’re being awfully affectionate today, huh?” You remarked coyly.

She shushed you. “I’m just trying to give you a good experience.”

“I don’t mind, honestly.” You said, starting to feel a bit light headed. “You know I love having the ladies on me, bro.”

“Oh trust me, I can tell. Everyone can.”

“Well, I do have a pretty nice dick.”

“Yeah, your dick is pretty solid, bro. Now, relax. Just relax, and focus on your surroundings.”

Your focus immediately went to Lyra’s ass.

“This is pretty hetero, bro. I need some alcohol.” You said, as you finished off the rest of your drink.

You jumped up from the ground, much to the disappointment of the mare occupying your chest. You stumbled a bit, feeling pretty light headed at this point. You did your best to shake it off, making your way inside to grab a drink.

As you did so, you stopped in your tracks, as you took a moment to take in the party surrounding you. You bobbed your head to the beat of the trap music blasting out of your new house, finding yourself entranced by the light show inside.

As you slowly made your way through your crowded living room, you quickly realized you recognized the party’s DJ.

“Wait, Vinyl, ain’t we beefing?” You blurted out as quickly as you recognized the blue maned unicorn.

“What?” Vinyl shot her head about in confusion before spotting you. An innocent grin spread across her maw as she spoke. “Naw dude! Why would we be?”

“My girl smacked your face so hard it made your mother’s back fat clap.” You deadpanned.

“Oh, that? That’s nothing, Anon. I honestly thought it was pretty hot how your bitch smacked me around.” Vinyl said, licking her lips, staring you down as if she were a lion checking out your fine gazelle ass. “Though, I’d rather it be you smacking me around.”

…

Nice…

“Nice…” You commented to yourself, before turning your attention back to the DJ. “I’m sure we can arrange something like that later, bro. I got shit to do.” You said, your rapidly drying mouth reminding you that you were on a mission.

That ass might be cash, but holy shit, your mouth was like Margaret Thatcher’s pussy.

“Alright, I’ll be seeing you, Anon~” She responded, finishing off her sentence by blowing you a kiss.

You wandered off as she went back to playing her set, continuing to make your way over to the bar.

“HEY ANON!” Lyra basically screamed in your face, knocking you out of your flashback sequence.

“Ow!” You howled, rubbing at your aching ears, as you gave your partner in crime a pained look.

“Heh, sorry…” She flashed you an apologetic look. "I don't want to be a cunt, but can you fast forward a bit, fam? Like to something a bit more exciting?"

"Wow, rude." You commented, feigning a hurt expression.

"Sorry broham," She responded with an apologetic smile. "Just the writers are lazy, and the readers have been waiting like two years for an update, so-"

"I get it, nigga. Where do you want me to pick up from, bro?"

"Just pick back up from after you got too high and passed out down in the basement, like a bitch." The poorly disguised princess suggested, a smirk crossing her lips as she eyed you down.

#rude

"Aight bro, I guess that works." You replied, shrugging off your bro's rudeness.

The war went on for a century, many lives were lost, but eventually-

“Wait a fucking second, this isn’t two thousand five…”

You looked around, realizing that you were now no longer in the living room. In fact, it appeared you were now in the basement of your new home.

How the fuck did you make your way down here? You didn’t actually get blackout drunk, did you?

Wait, could you having a blackout period thanks to your near constant drinking be a canonical explanation for time skips in this story?

Really makes you think.

Really gets the ole’ noggin jog-

“Uh, bro?”

Oh right, you weren’t alone.

“Wait, I don’t get to bring friends…” You talked to yourself like a crazy person.

You heard ‘Chad’ snort in amusement. “I think Anon here’s had a bit too much of the dude weed lmao."

You shot the white alicorn an offended glare. “Don’t insult my honor, weed ain't shit.”

“WHATEVER, BRO!” Celestia waved off your offense with a snarky, toothy grin.

“YOU WANNA GO, BRO?!” You waved your fist angrily at the poorly disguised princess.

“YOU BET YOUR ASS I WANNA GO, BROSIDEN!” She said, posing dramatically.

“WELL LET'S GO, BRONADO! SQUARE UP!” You posed as stylishly as possible from your seated position.

“YOU FIRST, FAGGOT!”

“NO, YOU FIRST, DICK NOSE!”

“I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION!” Celestia spoke in a French accent for some reason.

“Would don’t you two just fuck already?” The Princess of Spanking’s interrupted your autism, as she reached out for the handle of vodka that sat in between the three of you. She watched the two with you with a twinkle in her eyes as she took a swig of the clear liquid, surprisingly not choking on it like the total lightweight she is.

“Because Anon here probably has a mad case of whiskey dick right now.” The other princess said, calming down, but at the same time continuing her relentless trolling campaign.

“Hah! Let’s be real, bro.” In the blink of an eye, you were on your feet with your pants at your ankles, your full erect soldier standing at attention, throbbing in the general direction of the two mares. “Whiskey dick is just a meme.”

As you stood before your audience with your most prized possession out on display, you heard the door to the basement open and close, followed by the sound of somebody trotting down the stairs.

Seeing an opportunity for entertainment, you turned in a way so that whoever just entered the room would get an eye full of your feature length dong.

“Woah, basement! Spookyyyyyy! WAHAHAHA!” You heard the unmistakable voice of Panku Pe.

“Pinkie, shush!” You heard Applejack shush her pink friend, her Southern twang giving further rise to your erection.

‘Chad’ and Twilight remained silent, picking up on what was about to go down.

What a couple of true bros.

The two new arrivals finished descending down the stairs and rounded the corner into the room the three of you were occupying.

You could feel your fully erect dong somehow grow even harder upon spotting the orange pony entering the room, and judging by the way her eyes lit up upon spotting you, she must've felt the same way.

Wait, what-

“Woah nelly!” Applejack’s voice shook you from your thoughts.

“OOOOOO WEW! NOTICES BULGE!” Pinkie said as she pointed at your rock hard cock. “Anon’s got wood! BOING-OING-OING-OING!”

“We… uh… we interruptin’ somethin’ Anon?” The orange mare asked, unable to take her eyes off your MAGNUM DONG.

“No bro, you’re fine.” You said, waving the two of them into the room, before you turned your attention over to Ponk. “By the way, Pank, it’s pronounced ‘oh woah’.”

“You’re so silly, Nonny! It’s OOOOOOOOOOOOO WEEEEEEEEEW!”

“NUH UH!”

“UH HUH!”

“NUH UH”

“UH HUH!”

…

…

“NUUUUUUUUUUUH UH!”

“UH HUH!”

“UH HUH!”

“NUH U-”

Pinkie Pie stopped mid sentence, realizing that you have bested her in this battle of wits. You smirked and posed triumphantly, before sitting back down in your original spot.

“Sit your asses down!” You motioned the two to join you. “We were just getting ready to summon the spirit of Michael Jackson to tell us where he hid it.”

Big Mac’s big booty toting sister eyed you with a raised brow. “'It'? What’s ‘it’?”

“AJ, don’t be silly! You know what ‘it’ is! It’s just that thing you use!” Pinkie Pie giggled at her country friend’s naivety, before plopping down between you and the princess disguised as a dudebro.

Applejack gave your group a weird lookover. “Ya’ll’r weirdos, ya know that?”

“Yeah, but we’re your weirdos, bro!” You said, shooting her a pair of thumbs up.

“Yeah, brotendo, now come join us in whatever the fuck we’re doing.” Celestia prompted the one standing pony, peering at her over the pair of kickass shades she was wearing for some reason.

The orange mare shrugged, and shot all of you a smile.

“I ain’t sure what it is y’all’r doing either, but Ah’m guessing it should be fun.” She said, before trotting over to you, and promptly plopping down in your bare lap, wiggling her rump around on your exposed shaft as she got herself comfy. She looked back at you, shooting you a coy little smile, making it obvious she knew exactly what she was doing.

Sweatingman.jpg

“So…” Her cheeky grin seemed to grow just as tad as she felt your length twitch between her blessed flanks. “What exactly ARE ya gonna do, anyway?”

“That’s the question of the night!” You said as you maintained your composure like a baller, arms outstretched with a large grin. Whether it was the alcohol, your engorged cock begging for some attention, or the feeling of AJ’s firm ass on your bare lap, even you couldn't think of what the fuck to do next. You looked over to Twilight, who has been sitting beside you silently this whole time for some reason. “YO SPARKLEBUTT!”

The drunken princess looked over to you, slightly taken off guard by your volume. “Huh? What?” She slurred out, seemingly having zoned out for a while before. You were starting to think she couldn’t handle herself as well as you originally thought.

“We’ve been sitting here for God knows how long, help us think of something to fucking do! And, I swear on my honor as a bro, I will come over there and beat your ass if you suggest we read books or some gay nerd shit like that.”

“Well, I wouldn’t necessarily mind that~” The Princess of Spankings commented on your threat with a wink.

U-unf!

Despite her advances, you tried to shift the topic back to the issue at hand. “Anything else?”

She looked down in contemplation for a moment. Just as she began to speak however, a familiar energetic voice rang out.

“WAIT, WAIT, I GOT AN IDEA!” Pinkie Pie blurted out, interrupting the purple alicorn as she shot her hoof up in the air, waving it about like she just didn’t care as she tried to get your attention.

“Yes, Ponk?”

“WE SHOULD PRACTICE KISSING!”

!

“ACTIVATE IT!” You voiced your approval.

“H-Hold on!” Twilight stammered out, a large blush rapidly spreading across her cheeks. “A-Anon’s the only guy here!”

“Twilight, you pussy! Of course you’d chicken out!” Celestia teased her former student with a drunken, amused grin. Twilight looked at her, slightly hurt by the statement.

“I-I’m not a-”

“You’re a turbo virgin, purple! You need the practice more than any of us!” Came the words from Twilight’s poorly disguised mentor.

The purple alicorn’s face held a combination of emotions, ranging from sadness to anger.

“C’mon Sparklebutt, it’s all just bantz, take it easy! So what if I’m the only man here? We’ve got all night!” You said as you leaned over towards her, locking her in a headlock and laughing loudly. The mare giggled somewhat awkwardly, blushing lightly until you let her go. “Now then…” You whispered to yourself, wondering how to go about this impromptu makeout practice session.

Absentmindedly, you grabbed the bottle of vodka and took a drink from it. To your dismay however, the precious liquid seemed to be dwindling. The burning sensation in your throat served to kickstart your brain, and you began to imbibe the vodka at a much faster rate. Once the bottle was drained, you held it out for the crowd to see.

It was such a juvenile idea, and completely unoriginal considering you had only just played spin the bottle a few chapters back, but only sober people would worry about that. “Y’all ever play spin the bottle?”

“Anon, bro, isn’t that for schoolcolts and fillies?” ‘Chad’ asked skeptically.

“Shut the fuck up, dick breath.” You shot the poorly disguised princess a glare.

“MY BREATH DOES NOT SMELL LIKE DICK, BRO!” She exclaimed defensively.

“I meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean, it kinda does!” Panki Pee said with a sweet smile.

“As long as we’re having fun though, so what does it matter? It’s right up your alley, isn’t it Ponk?” You reasoned.

“Well… You may have a point there. Fun is fun!” The mare agreed, bubbly laughs strewn throughout her sentence.

“Ah’ll admit, Ah think it’d be pretty darn fun to just let loose for a night.” Applejack admitted from your lap, your rock hard cock still twitching happily between her flanks.

“FUCK YEAH! We got three outta five, you in, Thundercunt?” You exclaimed, looking at the princess who hadn’t given a real answer yet.

“OF COURSE FAGGOT!” She responded politely, before eyeing you with a sly grin. “There’s nothing wrong with a bit of bump and grind, after all.”

“Fuckin’ A!” Applejack proclaimed, before the two exchanged a lesbian as fuck high five.

"That just leaves you, Sparklebutt." You said, rounding on the rapidly reddening mare. “You gonna fall for some good ole’ fashion peer pressure from your bros, or nah?”

“I, uh…” She stammered out, averting your hungry gaze.

This bitch.

“Come on, nigga, even Butterface was able to play this shit.” You chided her.

“Wait, ya mean Fluttershy?” Applejack interjected.

“Yeah bro. Fuck, she pulled a sharpie out of Rarity’s asshole with her fucking teeth. A fucking sharpie.”

“Niceeeeeeeeeeee.” ‘Chad Thundercock’ commented.

“Dude, I know, right?”

Wait, weren’t you doing something?

Oh yeah, right.

“So, you seriously gonna chicken out of something even Fluttershy is game for?” You asked, eyeing the mare expectantly.

“Well… if you put it that way, Anon, I guess I’m game.” Twilight finally responded, with an unsure expression on her face.

“BUENO.” You exclaimed like a retard.

And with that, everyone wordlessly agreed to begin the game. The members of the room steadily arranged themselves into a circle; You, ‘Chad’, and Twilight remained where you were, while Pinkie sat next to ‘Chad’. Applejack opted to remain in your lap, not willing to give up the best seat in the house. You briefly wondered how you’d be able to tell who’s turn it was if the bottle landed on the two of you, but only nerds like Sparklebutt overthink plotholes.

Speaking of, peer pressure must have done its job, considering the purple mare was still here and hadn’t bitched off somewhere or turned into a pile of spaghetti, despite her initial hesitation.

“Alright, who gets first spin?” You asked, placing the empty bottle in the middle of the circle.

Penk spoke up, giving her idea. “Why don’t we spin for it? Whoever the bottle lands on spins first!” She looked around for approval. When everyone had given a nod or voiced their agreement, the pink pony reached for the bottle and gave it a spin. The bottle twirled for a good ten seconds, eventually slowing down as it neared the end of the spin. Soon enough, the bottle stopped, pointing at who was going to be the first to… spin it again.

The pony who it landed on was none other than Sparkebutt herself.

Or, it would have been if a certain alicorn hadn’t used her magic to nudge the bottle over to herself.

“Hey! That landed on me and you know it!” Twilight protested, shooting a glare at her poorly disguised former mentor.

“I dunno why you’re looking at me, man. The bottle clearly stopped on me!” She said with a smirk.

“You used your magic!” The smaller of the two barked back.

Not wanting to waste the rest of the night on a petty argument, Applejack interjected. “How’s about we just start off with Chad here and get on with it?”

“FUCK YES!” Chad exclaimed excitedly, before batting at the empty Smirnoff bottle like an autistic child, sending it into a wild spin.

The glass container slowed down, eventually settling on a target.

“Two times in a row, not bad Twi!” The white alicorn grinned, looking towards the mare that the bottle chose with lust filled eyes.

“W-wait, you mean I-” Twilight stuttered, a deep scarlet blush beginning to creep onto her face.

“GET OVER HERE!” Chad channeled her inner Scorpion, as she pulled Twilight over with her magic before the purple alicorn could even react.

The smaller alicorn could only let out a flustered yelp of surprise before the two of them locked lips. ‘Chad’ took control as she pushed her former pupil on her back, forcing her tongue into the smaller princess’s mouth as she let her hooves explore Twilight’s body. You found yourself cheering and whistling as Sparklebutt started reciprocate, seeming to be enjoying herself despite her earlier hesitation.

Actually, she seemed to be /really/ getting into it.

“MY DICK APPROVES OF THIS!” You announced to everybody in your room.

“Ah can tell.” Applejack commented with a sly grin, not moving her eyes from the two making out mares as you felt something wet dribble down the length of your shaft. An unsteady breath escaped the orange mare’s lips as she gyrated against your Excalibur, evidently being as into this as the mares making out before you themselves.

“N-NANI?!” You blurted out in shock.

Sparklebutt shot you a sidelong glance, and noticed your attention was being stolen away by her friend. She began pushing further into the mouth of the opposing alicorn in a bid to regain your attention. Though the grinding of the orange ass on your shaft was distracting, the other show in front of you was entertaining enough to tear your mind away from it for a moment.

Not one to be outdone though, Applejack redoubled her efforts, pushing her rump further into your dick, rubbing it up and down against her wet crevice.

As she did this, Celestia pushed away her unaware former pupil and breathed for air. “Holy fucking shit!” She gasped. “For a gigantic neeeeeeeeeeerd, you didn’t do too bad!”

“R-really?” Twilight asked, breathing heavily.

“No, you were absolutely fucking terrible.” She grimaced at the mare as she pushed her aside, before pushing the empty vodka bottle towards Panku Pee. “Here bro, go nuts!”

“WOOOOO!” She cheered, placing a hoof on the bottle. Her hoof twisted around completely at least three times before snapping back to its original form, sending the bottle into a lightning fast spin in the process.

“GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO-!” The pink mare cheered at the spinning bottle.

To almost no one’s surprise, the object kept spinning for a good minute and a half. Finally though, after what seemed to be an eternity of spinning and annoyed glances shot towards the over exuberant pony, the bottle stopped. Everyone’s gaze traveled up the neck of the bottle, their eyes resting on the next target.

“Heh. Well, what do ya know?” Was the reaction of Applejack as she realized the bottle was aimed at her. She refused to budge from the best seat in the house, however, and opted to wave Pinkie over to her instead.

The hyperactive pony had no issue with this, leaping over to you and AJ’s location in a single bound. You could feel your tip poke into Ponk’s stomach as she positioned herself in front of the farm pony currently occupying your bare lap.

“Hey Nonny?” The pink party pony raised a brow at you, as she looked down, having picked up on this as well. “Your thing is poking my stomach!”

“Don’t mind it, bro, it has a mind of it’s own.” You stated offhandedly.

“Okay Nonny!” She beamed innocently at you, before eyeing Applejack. “A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-ARE YOU READY TO R-R-R-R-R-R-RUMBLE?!”

“Ah’m always ready!” A cocky look crossed the orange mare’s face. “But if ya think Ah’m ready, ya should feel Anon right bout’ now.”

“I already can! WAHAHA!” Ponk wahaha’d giddily, before throwing herself at both you and her intended target, the weight of the sugar addicted pone knocking you on your back.

Before you knew it, you had two mares stacked on top of you, their lips in an unwavering war for dominance as they went at it.

You weren’t sure what led you to this moment, but you sure as hell were thankful that you had made the right choices in life to end up here.

The only downside to this was that it was slightly more difficult to get a full view of the action, but your close proximity more than made up for that. Ponku and Appul wiggled around on top of you as they got more and more into it. Occasionally, a part of one of their bodies would rub against your immortal boner, sending tingles of pleasure up your spine.

You are Jack’s unrelenting, diamond hard erection.

Applejack seemed to pick up on your reaction, urging her to ramp up her assault on Pank’s tongue, grinding her perfectly toned ass against your chest as she did so. Desperately, Ponko tried to keep up with the orange mare’s kisses, but appeared unable to keep up your bro’s stetson toting sister.

Eventually, much to the disappointment of yourself and your magnum dong, the two mare’s separated, the only thing connecting the two being a long, loose strand of saliva hanging between them.

A surprisingly quiet, flustered giggle escaped the hyper pink pony’s lips, before she hopped off of you and returned to her spot. She took a second to wipe away at the moisture covering her glistening lips, before looking back over to you and Applejack.

“Alright Applejack, it’s your turn!” Ponk exclaimed, returning to her usual self within a matter of seconds.

“Ah suppose it is,” she surmised, her maw still dripping with a mixture of her and Pankee’s saliva, before glancing back at you with a mischievous glint in her eyes, “This one is fer ya, Anon~”

The orange mare leaned forward, striking out at the empty bottle and sending it into a wild spin. It spun and spun, before gradually slowing, and coming to a halt.

“Aw shit,” you blurted out, upon seeing that the bottle’s neck was pointed in your direction. Lil’ Anon twitched in anticipation, the soldier chilling between your thighs eagerly awaiting the attention.

Applejack shifted her haunches, flipping around to face you. She stared you down with half-lidded eyes, a familiar seductive smirk crossing her lips. “

OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY-

Suddenly, you heard the door that lead down into the basement fling open, and Lyra’s voice call down to you. “YO, ANON, MIND COMING UP HERE? BARB NEEDS YOUR HELP AT THE BAR.”

God dammit.

“God dammit.” You repeated your internal monologue, before turning your attention to the thicc flanked mare that was staring you down as if you were a freshly cooked filet, “Sorry bro, duty calls.”

You spotted a twinge of disappointment in Applejack’s eyes, but she gave you a knowing smile. “Don’t work yerself up, sugarcube. Ah’m sure we’ll have another opportunity to roll around in the hay,” she remarked with a playful wink.

With that, she scooted off of your lap, much to the disappointment of both yourself and your diamond hard erection. You jumped up from your seated position, and made your way to the basement stairs. You spared the group a final glance, catching a glimpse of Applejack’s second spin landing on Twilight. You were hit with a fresh wave of disappointment and blue balls as you watched the purple mare’s face turn a bright shade of pink as the orange mare stared her down as if the small alicorn were a well marinated piece of meat.

Running parties is suffering, sometimes.

“Anon?”

“Huh?”

“You alright, brah?” Barb asked. “You said something about running parties sucking mad dick sometimes, then just sat there staring into space for like ten minutes."

You blinked, staring at your small dragon sidekick inquisitively.

“Bro, when’d you even get here?” You asked, confused.

“I rolled up like twenty minutes ago, when you were talking about Applejack sitting on your cock.”

“Oh. Huh.” You scratched your head in thought as you eyed the dragon tiredly. “Sorry broseph, I didn’t get enough sleep last night, I guess.”

“It’s four in the afternoon.” The young dragon deadpanned.

“Exactly. I’m going the fuck back to sleep.” You said, rising from your seat. “It’s too early for this shit.”

“Damn, you’re bailing on us mid-story? That’s pretty whack, fam.” The poorly disguised princess responded to your sudden mood shift.

“Sorry bro, I need my beauty sleep.” You answered with a shrug.

“No amount of sleep is going to help your ugly monkey ass, brodie.” Celestia roasted your ass.

“Your mother has a job and is a respected member of the community.” You responded to her bants by going straight at her metaphorical balls, in a metaphorical way.

“Touche.” The wife beater wearing alicorn turned her attention to your dragon loli sidekick. “Yo lil’ nigga, you wanna get some waffles and sling some crack to the zebra community to prevent them from escaping poverty and ensuring they remain dependent on welfare, therefore creating a subservient class that will always vote in favor of me- I mean, Celestia?”

“DO I!” Barb exclaimed excitedly.

With that, the two of them rose from their seats, and promptly fucked off, leaving you and Lyra alone.

Wait, what was that Celestia said about selling crack to zebras?

That’s some fucking glow in the dark shit.

As you lost yourself in your inner monologue, you felt a soft hoof wrap around your waist. You looked down, spotting Lyra looking up at you with a longing expression.

“Looks like it’s just us, hot stuff.” She shot you a coy smile. “I could go for a nap, mind if I join you, brah?”

You felt a warmth grow in your chest as you took in the mare before you. “Sure fam, sounds like a solid plan.”

Hand in hoof, the two of you made your way to your upstairs bedroom, which was still completely trashed from last night’s rager.

You didn’t necessarily mind, considering you generally do a horrible job of keeping your room clean anyways.

You removed a few empties from atop your bed, before jumping in, sliding underneath the covers. Your bromantic partner slid in right next to you, wasting no time in making a pillow out of your chest and wrapping her hooves around you, gently embracing you as she nuzzled at your pecs.

You felt the warm feeling in your chest grow stronger as you smiled at the mare’s show of affection.

Things were still a bit complicated between the two of you, but you felt strangely much more comfortable with the idea of dating your bro than you used to be. It was almost seemingly an overnight change, now that you thought about it.

“I had a good time last night, by the way.” Lyra suddenly spoke up, stroking your chest as she spoke. “I haven’t felt like this since, well, I suppose I haven’t felt like this since we first kinda got together.”

“That’s pretty gay, bro.”

“Hush.” Lyra playfully gave your cheek a light smack. “I’m trying to have a moment here.”

“What a hetero.” You commented with a smirk.

She smiled, continuing to speak. “Thanks for leaving the party with me to get some time alone with me, by the way. I really needed that.”

You blinked in confusion. “I left the party?” You asked, legitimately not remembering leaving at any point.

“You don’t remember?” The aquamarine gave you a questioning look as she looked up at you. “We left and fucked around outside a bit. I kinda mentioned that shit last chapter.”

“Sorry, I’m a little hazy on the details of what happened last night, remember?” You said, as you scratched your face in thought. “Actually… now that I’m thinking about it… I think I remember something along those lines.”

With your combined powers, you and Barb made quick work of the line that had built up while you were busy trying to get your fuck on. Your disappointment and blue balls quickly faded away, as you got back into the rager spirit, and immersed yourself in the energy of the party.

You took it all in. Ponies drinking, illicit substances being passed around. The rhythmic beat of the house music that emanated throughout the house as partygoers danced and vibed to it. Lights flashed and shined as mares passionately made out with each other, and stallions cheered along to the action.

You cheered along with them, before making yourself a quick drink, slapping your dragon sidekick turned bartender some skin, and made your way out from behind the bar.

“YO ANON!”

You spun towards the source of the voice and posed dramatically. “DIO, MY ARCH NEMESIS!” You exclaimed with a pointed finger.

“W-what?” The voice stammered out in shock. “No dude, it’s *HICCUP* me! Lyra!”

You examined the minty green horse with a skeptical eye, before scoffing. “YOU CAN’T FOOL ME DIO! I KNOW BEHIND THAT IMPRESSIVE DISGUISE LIES THE GREATEST THREAT KNOWN TO HUMANITY!”

The unicorn you were verbally assaulting blinked in response to your accusation, before a grim smirk spread across her maw.

“So… you’ve finally caught onto me, DIO!” ‘Lyra’ exclaimed with a sinister cackle.

!

“NANI?!” You exclaimed in shock, as the mare began to trot in an exceedingly menacing manner towards you.

“You are smarter than you appear, Anonymous! Now, TASTE OBLIVION!” She exclaimed, as she charged towards you.

SHIT!

You were caught totally off guard, and you have no way to defend yourself.

How could you, Anonymous, Destroyer of Cunts, be so reckless? How could you lose in this battle of wits?

You grimaced, and prepared yourself for your inevitable demise, knowing there was nothing that could be done to defend yourself having been thoroughly caught with your pants around your ankles.

Literally, the breeze between your knees reminded you.

You closed your eyes, and waited for the inevitable.

?

You felt a pair of hooves wrap around your waist, as you were pulled into a gentle embrace.

!

You opened your eyes, and looked down, spotting Lyra hugging you, as she looked up at you with a cheeky grin.

“I got you good, didn’t I, bro?” She said with a mischievous wink.

You breathed a sigh of relief, before returning the mare’s embrace in an epic show of pure, unadulterated bromance, eliciting a happy, drunken squeal from the pony in your arms.

“You fucking cunt!” You chastised her playfully with a smirk.

“You know you love me, brah!” She slurred out as she nuzzled at your abdomen affectionately. The mare looked up at you, her eyes twinkling in the dim light of the room as she gave you a pleasant smile. “Hey, you wanna come for a walk with me?”

“A walk? Bro, you trying to kill my gains?” You asked her incredulously.

“Come ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon!” She pleaded, giving you a pair of puppy eyes that would make Appleburger or whatever her name is proud. “I just wanna go for a walksies! Get some fresh air! And, you know, talk!”

Heh.

Come.

“Talking is pretty gay, brah.” You teased the mare, playfully flicking the tip of her horn.

Lyra yelped quietly, stumbling backwards slightly. “Hey, hey, hey! Don’t be messin’ with my thing!”

“Hups.” You smirked as you took a sip from your drink. As you did so, you took a moment to think over Lyra’s offer. Talking was still gay, especially compared to a good party, but the party was more or less self sustaining at this point, and you’ve certainly fulfilled your mandatory daily partying quota as a follower of the Fonz.

Surely, taking a break and fucking off with your bro for a bit couldn’t hurt, right?

You shrugged, cracking a smile at the aquamarine unicorn before you.

“Sure, fuck it, I can dip with you for a bit. Let me go refresh my drink real quick, aight bro?”

Lyra’s grin seemed to grow three times the size it was prior, as you ran back to the bar, got your drink refilled, and grabbed a handily placed six pack for the road.

Together, your party of two navigated through the partying ponies between you and the front door, before making your way outside.

The brisk winter air sent a shiver down your spine as you polished off your drink, tossing the red solo cup away (which proceeded to explode offscreen), and cracking open one of the beers you were carrying. You took a sip from it as you and Lyra walked away from your new home, your destination unknown.

“FUCK IT’S COLD!” You blurted out like a retard, as you remembered that you were in the middle of winter.

Lyra giggled. “Yeah, you’re telling me, it’s pretty chilly out.” The unicorn at your side said, visibly beginning to shiver as the two of you walked down the street. “Maybe I should’ve brought a jacket or something…”

You took a moment to consider Lyra’s words, before shrugging off your thriller jacket, and draping it over the mare trotting by your side. “Here nigga, take this. I don’t want my bro catching a cold or anything, ya dig?”

The aquamarine unicorn gave you an inquisitive look, before shooting you an adoring smile. “You’re such a sweetheart, Anon.” Her smile morphed into a cheeky smirk. “Though, I don’t know why you wouldn’t just use your OP Gary Stu magicks to just teleport one of my hoodies on me or something.”

“It’s a matter of principle, baby.” You responded, ruffling her mane. She leaned into your hand, sighing contently as she let your fingers work their magic, scratching her behind her ears and around the base of her horn.

Suddenly, she pulled away from you. “Hey, I have an idea!” She exclaimed, before running off in a random direction.

!

As soon as she ran off, you felt a tingling feeling encompass your right hand. You looked down, spotting a hand shaped golden magical aura surrounding your hand, as you were violently yanked in the direction that Lyra had ran off in.

Narrowly avoiding losing your balance and being knocked on your face, you followed Lyra to the best of your abilities, running along in the direction that the magical hand had been pulling you in.

You really had no clue where she was heading, but frankly, you were too drunk to care at this point.

All that was really biting at you was all the gains all this running was going to kill.

After a short while, you and Lyra reached your final destination.

You rubbed at your aching wrist as the mare’s magic faded, and you took in the sight before you.

You found yourself standing before a small frozen lake, lined with snow covered trees, and a couple picnic areas on the outskirts. There wasn’t a soul in sight, just you, Lyra, and some snow flurries slowly making their way down to the ground from the sky above.

“I spotted this lake when I drunkenly stumbled through this neighborhood last night, and thought it looked really pretty being all frozen and shit.” The aquamarine unicorn explained to you as the two of you took in the sight before you. “Winter Wrap Up is in a couple days, so, it’s kind of our last chance to see it until next winter.”

“Cool find, bro.” You complimented the mare, patting her head with your non-aching hand. “Though, next time, maybe give me a bit of a heads up before dragging me in some random direction.”

“Heh… sorry, brah.” She shot you an embarrassed smile.

“It ain’t nuthin but a G’ thang, baby.” You waved it off. “So, what’s the game plan? We just chillin’?”

“Yeah man, something like that, I guess.” Lyra responded with a shrug.

“Killer.” With that, you used your OP Gary Stu magicks to summon a couple of folding lawn chairs. You took a few seconds to set up yours, before plopping down in it and relaxing, placing your now one beer down six pack in the snow between your chair and Lyra’s.

The mare eyed the second chair for a second, but as usual, opted to chill in your lap, arguably the best seat in the house.

It’s like she’s a cat or something.

You weren’t complaining, anyways. At least your bro’s admittedly pretty respectable ass could keep your dick warm.

The two of you sat there together, sipping on your beers and silently enjoying each other’s company, only being interrupted by the occasional contented sigh emanating from Lyra.

“This is nice…” Lyra broke the silence after what seemed like an eternity.

“Yeah fam, I suppose it is.” You said.

…

…

“You wanna go back to doing some hoodrat shit?” You asked, with a raised brow.

“Dear Celestia, I thought you’d never ask.” Lyra looked back at you with a smirk, before her face shifted. “Actually, uh, do you think we could stick around here for a bit longer? I’m having a bit of a moment.”

You shrugged, taking a moment to finish off your beer and toss the empty aside, before grabbing yourself a fresh one. “Sure man, I don’t mind, it’s not like hoodrat shit is going anywhere or anything, bro.”

“Cool.” She replied with a small grin. She grabbed the two of you a fresh pair of beers with her telekinesis, opening them both in unison, before handing one of them over to you. She took a long drink from her beer, before looking up at you, her golden iris’s filled with emotion . “Sorry, it’s just… we never really get to have these moments. I know things are complicated between the two of us, and you’re not really one for touchy feely shit, but…” She shied away from you, looking off towards the lake as she continued to speak. “...I still love you, man. Like I’ve never loved anybody else ever in my entire life.”

A deafening silence overtook the two of you as you took in the mare’s words, mulling them over in your head, that warm feeling in your chest only growing stronger the more you thought about it.

“Sorry…” Lyra eventually spoke up, her eyes firmly locked on the ground below the two of you. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Nah nigga,” You said, shooting her a reassuring smile, as you wrapped your arms around the mare that sat in your lap, pulling her into a tight, loving embrace. “I feel the same way. You know that. It’s just… like you said, I’m not one for touchy feely gay shit, ya dig homie?”

“Yeah… I dig it.” She smiled, shifting her body slightly so that she could return your embrace.

You run your fingers down the small of Lyra’s back, eliciting a drawn out sigh of happiness from her as you did so. “You’ve been a bro to me for about as long as I’ve been here, brah. I totally like-like you, fam.”

Lyra snorted. “Bro, did you just say you ‘like-like’ me? What are you, a school filly?” She asked, eyeing you as if she were a balding, baseball bat weilding comedian.

“Oops, sorry, I meant I’m in lesbians with you, baby.” You reiterated, with a toothy grin and a pair of thumbs up.

She rolled her eyes playfully. “You’re lucky you have such a nice dick, brah.”

“You know it, bitch.” You said, your thumbs up turning into a pair of finger guns as you smirked at her confidently.

The mare buried her muzzle into your chest, as you felt her plant a line of small kisses up and down your chest. You felt a stupid grin tug at the corners of your mouth as you enjoyed her show of intimacy, squeezing the unicorn held in your arms tighter in a display of bromance.

Saying ‘I love you’ may not be gangster, but you would be a massive liar if you said holding Lyra didn’t get those butterflies in your tummy going like they just did a massive line of coke and chased it with some jagerbombs.

After what seemed like an eternity of the two of you sitting there in silence, wrapped up in each other’s frontal appendages as you enjoyed each other’s company, Lyra sat up, shooting you a smile as she checked her watch that you’ve never actually noticed her wearing before. “I think we’ve been out here enough, brah. How about we head back, and enjoy the rest of the party?”

“Fuck yeah, bro. You know I’m always down for more partying.” You replied, giving the mare an approving thumbs up.

With that, the two of you got up, and made your way home. Together, you, Lyra, and your various friends partied the night away, well into the early morning hours, until you finally passed out shortly after your third round of body shots with those two twin spa ponies.

Life was good.

*MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH*

You idly munched on a slightly burnt smores Poptart, watching some Jojo reruns as you did so. As was your wake up routine, should you actually manage to wake up on your own, not because some asshole wants to knock on your front door and advance the plot.

Ordinarily, you’d be joined by Lyra, Barb, and sometimes the special guest celebrity of the week, but for some reason, you woke up to find the house all to yourself.

Not that you were complaining, a nigga needs his alone time every so often.

As you were in the midst of swallowing down a mouthful of tarts that pop, and chasing it down with a double shot of vodka, you heard a knock at your front door.

You shot a quick glance at the door, before taking a moment to give your watch a look.

It was three in the afternoon.

Who the fuck knocks on someone’s door this early? Do these horses even know what manners are?

Whatever, at least they waited until after you got up, for once.

You finished off your poptart and grabbed the handle of vodka you were working on, before rising from your chair. You stretch your back and popped a kink in your neck, before making your way over to your front door, a fresh beer magically appearing in your hand.

Not even bothering to look through the peephole to see who it was, you ripped open the door, and peered outside, shielding your eyes from the Sun’s blinding rays.

After a few long, agonizing seconds, your eyes adjusted to the light, and you recognized the horse that stood before you.

“Yooooooooooooo, what it do, Sparklebutt?” You greeted the alicornlet, who you noted was wearing a dorky looking blue, green, and tan vest. You shot her a goofy ass smile. “Want a drink?” You asked, holding the handle of vodka held in your hand out to her.

She eyed the bottle hesitantly, before it lit up with a purple magical aura, and was pulled out of your grasp. After taking a second to unscrew the cap, she brought the handle up to her lips, and chugged down a mouthful of the harsh swill. She grimaced as she swallowed, letting out a harsh breath as soon as the vodka went down.

“Thanks Anon, that was lovely,” she forced out, shooting you a pained smile.

“Anytime Brossolini," you replied, striking a pose and shooting your lightweight friend an approving thumbs up. “So, what brings you out here, bro?”

“Well-”

“It better not be any gay ass friendship lesson shit,” you interrupted before she could finish her sentence.

She shook her head. “No Anon, you know I know that doesn’t work for you, so there’s no real point in trying to use that lesson format with you.” She passed the handle of cheap vodka back to you as she continued to speak. “The reason why I stopped by was to see if you wanted to help with Winter Wrap Up.”

“Winter Wrap Up?” You blinked, giving the mare a questioning look. “Sounds l-lewd... and a bit kinky. I'm not sure where we're going with this shit, bro, but I’m in.”

Twilight giggled to herself at your stupidity. “No Anon, it’s nothing sexual.”

“Fuck.”

Sparklebutt ignored you as she continued to deliver her exposition. “Winter Wrap Up is the annual clean-up that Equestria undertakes to make way for spring. The rest of Equestria generally just uses magic to change the seasons, but-”

“WAIT, WAIT, WAIT-” You interjected, interrupting the princess’s spiel. “Let me get this straight. You colorful, talking ponies actually change the seasons, and then clean up everything afterwards? Instead of letting nature and some of underpaid workers take care of it?"

“Yes? What’s wrong with that?" Twilight asked, before adding, "We do control the weather and seasons, after all.”

“YOU CONTROL THE WEATHER?” You blurted out in exasperation. “What next, you’re going to tell me you guys control the Sun and the Moon as well?”

“Why, yes! We do!” The mare shot you a condescending look, as if she were a balding baseball bat wielding comedian. “This was all covered during your Equestrian naturalization process, shouldn’t you know all this?”

“I was too distracted by the teacher’s booty to pay attention to what she was talking about,” you boasted as you genuflected proudly, thinking back to that shapely, well rounded chunk of meat. That ass was cash, a solid eight of a ten.

“Of course you were.” An exasperated sigh escaped the mare’s maw as she shook her head in disbelief. She then took a deep breath, and shot you a toothy grin. “Look, how about you tag along with me? I’m the All-Team Organizer, so I’m involved in every part of the process of Ponyville’s Winter Wrap up. Who knows? You might even learn something.”

“Hmm…” You hmm’d hmmingly, scratching your chin in thought. “You know, that’s a tempting offer, Sparklebutt, but I’m gonna have to say… nah. Peace homie!” You exclaimed, before abruptly closing the door on her.

Working and learning? Fuck that, brah!

That’s just not your style, baby.